Isolation with miserable, moping DP

[Festivalgirl83]

DP tested positive for covid a few days ago, he has it mildly so far but now I also have it. As you can imagine I feel very poorly myself but also have my own two DC to care for, cook for, homeschool and worry they will get it etc when all i want to do is be in bed.
He has stayed in bed last few days and is so miserable as he wont be able to see his DD (8)until next week when his isolation is up. I get it its horrible but I said to him today be grateful she isnt here and not at risk catching it! He facetimes her every day and is so happy and jolly when speaking to her but as soon as he finishes the call he is looking devastated again.

I think things annoy me anyway we can't go away for a weekend without a factime or call and if I had no kids of my own I'd see people would think I'm not understanding but I do not feel the need to call or message my kids when im away for a wknd or short holiday.

Ahhh I think my illness is making it all worse and his moping!

She doesnt stay overnight with us (mummy issues as she sleeps with her and wont leave her)

I can relate. It honestly feels like I’m not enough to make him happy sometimes. It’s as if all of the love and giggles are given to SC and I get what’s left - naff all!

Hope you feel better soon OP

This is how I often feel @Hillary111 like he cant be happy otherwise

Ugh. Hideous. My ex used to be like this (hence the ex). Used to be like living with someone who had a dark cloud with them all the time. It became really depressing actually so you have my intense sympathy.

Now I’ve removed myself and we still see each other (pre lockdown) once in a while, now I get the happy, excited, super attentive man his kids used to get. It’s much nicer.

As an aside, has he made any effort to help you / pull his weight to help you with your kids? Or is he just a moping useless man?

He has cooked tea and washed up tonight I think he has realised I have felt so rotten today.

Its like he wears his guilt of leaving his DD's mum (when DD was 12 months) on a chain around his neck. I'm not sure whether he does all the calls, facetiming etc to prove to his ex he's a good dad or to make himself feel better.

Why is it not possible that he has a different perspective than you on how he wants to navigate his relationship with his daughter? If you felt the loss of a significant part of yourself, what that mean that you did not value the parts of yourself that remained. You can be meaningful in a lot of ways, but you cannot fill the void of a child. The child is loved and valued in significant ways but the child cannot be a partner.

Why have this why am I not enough view in comparison to a child? Why isn't it sufficient that he loves you both. Maybe he mopes when you are not there. The difference may be that you are always there so he does not have much time to miss you.

COVID has forced too much togetherness on some and caused too much separation from others. When things normalize we will all feel better.

If I was in isolation during a lockdown without my kids or could never have them overnight I'd be miserable too.
You have yours with you and you come across as a bit jealous tbh. No judgement I'd probably be jealous too but it's a damaging emotion. If you want to feel closer to him what can you do to help him feel more connected to his child? He probably won't be happy till this is sorted, who would really?

The feeling i have is not one of jealousy I dont think, i think it's more confusion and frustration. We have tried so many things to get her to stay here but her mum has not helped until last week we tried again but SD insisted on going home so DP took her back and got an ear bashing from his ex on why he hadn't tried harder. Funnily enough she had her boyfriend to stay that night! In 8 years she has only stayed with him once a week for a few months.
As I do have my own DC I can see how I'd miss them but I wouldnt FT and call daily, the poor girl has nothing to say sometimes! New years day the first thing he did when we woke up was grab his phone to text his ex wishing his DD happy new year after having her all the previous night. This sort of thing I dont feel a need to do.

OP, you don’t come across as remotely jealous. That’s a horrible post. Those of us who have lived it, understand it. Yes a parent can miss their child. yes a parent can be sad. But when they all they can outside of seeing/ talking to their child is ‘exist’, it’s very draining to live with.

I don't think you're necessarily jealous (and if you are actually I would say you are entitled to those feelings as they are only feelingd) but regardless, you also don't sound very sympathetic to him.

You are describing his phone calls as only having two motivations: to please his ex or to appease his own guilt. You say he wears his guilt at leaving DDs mum around his neck. Have you never thought that he just loves his daughter and wants to have a close bond to her? Have you ever thought that his guilt is centred around leaving his daughter at 12 months and not being able to give her the nuclear family unit?

You say you understand because you have kids but you don't; you're their resident parent and he is a non resident parent. I can't stand the thought of my DC living with someone else most of the time, and just because he is a man doesn't mean he feels that less keenly.

It sounds like you've got a good man who is a good dad. I would try and be more sympathetic to him and communicative with him. That is a separate issue to him being miserable, but your post is centred more on the reasons why he is miserable not seeming valid to you. I think it's just a case of more honest and open communication. Because I doubt he hasn't noticed that you don't appreciate him feeling down, and putting myself in his shoes, if my partner was impatient with me for missing my DC I don't think that would make me feel any happier.

New years day the first thing he did when we woke up was grab his phone to text his ex wishing his DD happy new year after having her all the previous night. This sort of thing I dont feel a need to do

I think you need to evaluate why this is an issue for you. Because from an outside perspective this comes across as petty.

The first thing I would be doing on New Years morning would be to wish my kids a happy new year, too.

As for calling or messaging daily when not with his child, what's the problem? He obviously loves them and wants to be connected to them.

Yes he probably does feel guilty not being part or a 'conventional' family unit with them (and fair enough).
Nothing you can do about that.

You mention your dc are they his too?
Could it be guilt that he lives with them and not his own dc? Was he always like this even at the start of your relationship?

You see your kids everyday so that's on you whether you don't wanna speak to them for a weekend away etc BUT don't ever say or comment that he shouldn't speak to his own child who he doesn't see everyday like when it's your weekend away. They have a close bond which you are jealous of!

@Festivalgirl83 I don't think you sound jealous either and I too have lived this.
Of course it's hard that he doesn't see his dd as much as he'd like & of course he'll miss her - but - this is his life now & it's the life HE chose & yet you are bearing the brunt of his guilt & misery which is really unfair. My exdp used to phone his dc every day also & he would often remark on how stilted conversation was & how they had nothing to say - of course they didn't as nothing bar school & Xbox had happened to them in the 24 hours since he'd last spoken to them!

A lot of men just don't seem to realise that separation/divorce by it's very nature means they won't see their dc as often as they like & then when the reality of the decisions they & their exes made set in they seem surprised they're not getting it all their own way. In truth this makes them crap partners & it also means that often their parenting is woeful as it's totally fuelled by the "I don't want to discipline my child whom I don't see every day" & the "your/our dc have to be disciplined & also have to revolve around MY dc" attitudes which create imbalance and entitlement. Basically a whole range of adults & dc have to suffer because two people separated & subsequently couldn't handle the fallout from that separation!
On a practical note I personally feel that an 8 year olds access to her father being hindered by cosleeping with her dm is ridiculous.
However, you say the ex has a bf, so how do they spend any time alone together if sdd insists on sleeping in with her dm? Does the ex now want this to change (you say she was cross when sds was dropped back) or has the cosleeping thing just been an excuse for sdd not to stay over - until now?
I keep saying that counselling/therapy is really the best thing for dads in this headspace as without it they don't seem to be able to break the cycle of guilt, unhappiness, Disney Dadding they get into which means they're not really available or present for any subsequent relationships or children which is extremely sad.

Speaking to his daughter everyday sounds nice... as does wishing her a happy new year.

I feel for your husband and hope his daughter's sleep issues can be improved upon so that more overnights are possible.

If I woke up with my partner on New Year’s Day. The first thing I would want is attention. A kiss, a hug, an offer for a cup of tea. Happiness at someone waking up with me in their bed (or mine In theirs).

I would not a want a partner whose first thought is to go to the person who is NOT there. All the time. Honestly, this isn’t about being more sympathetic. Relationships are pendulums. They need to swing both ways. And if one part of that relationships pendulum is constantly pointing elsewhere (their non resident child), then at some point the core adult relationship (and intimacy) will start to suffer.

You can be a good non resident parent and live and enjoy your life fully without your child. If you can’t then it’s exceptionally selfish to be in a relationship.

Op

Can you not acknowledge that people have different relationships??

How utterly odd that you can’t seem to grasp that how YOU parent and feel is different to how HE parents and feels

I sometimes wonder if posters who post on these threads have actually experienced any of what is being discussed.
Sympathy / empathy has a limit. At some point people need to work on accepting their lot in life. I don’t see my children 40 to 50% of their lives post divorce. And the separation (what instigated it) was not of my doing. But still I managed to make myself available to my ex, put him first. Not message my children all the time / call them daily. Why? Because I’ve worked really hard on accepting the fact that I see my children 50% less and worked hard on building a fulfilling life despite what has happened. It hasn’t been remotely easy (lots of counselling, tears, low moments). But what’s the alternative? Pissing away what’s in front of me because my children arent with me?

Not a chance. More fathers need to go away and do that work on themselves (as @Magda72 says). And if they can’t, then don’t drag other women into their never ending circle of misery around their children.

I would make a bedroom available just for dh. And shut the door. Life is shit enough without looking at a misery...
Post him Ryvita under the door...

* I would not a want a partner whose first thought is to go to the person who is NOT there*

The person in question is his young daughter!

I don’t care if it’s the Dalai Lama. Children DO NOT universally trump every other other human being. That’s not healthy for anyone.

And if you are a person who expects your children to trump everyone else (I don’t have and never will unless there is a clear reason said child needs to come first), then don’t be surprised if other relationships start to suffer.

The OP doesn’t say he’s always miserable

He has covid and he’s isolating and he’s not able to see his child - surely grounds for being miserable!

* But still I managed to make myself available to my ex, put him first. Not message my children all the time / call them daily*

He’s your ex. So you prioritised him but now you presumably have nothing more to do with him.
Your children, the ones you didn’t prioritise, are presumably still your children?!

Ans that’s the difference. And that is I why someone who wants to prioritise their child over a partner - is not something to acorn

Scorn

I think the stepdaughter is not the main issue. I couldn’t live with someone who moped relentlessly with no attempt to help themselves. It’s very draining and it spreads to others too.