Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Isolation with miserable, moping DP

44 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 05/01/2021 18:07

DP tested positive for covid a few days ago, he has it mildly so far but now I also have it. As you can imagine I feel very poorly myself but also have my own two DC to care for, cook for, homeschool and worry they will get it etc when all i want to do is be in bed.
He has stayed in bed last few days and is so miserable as he wont be able to see his DD (8)until next week when his isolation is up. I get it its horrible but I said to him today be grateful she isnt here and not at risk catching it! He facetimes her every day and is so happy and jolly when speaking to her but as soon as he finishes the call he is looking devastated again.

I think things annoy me anyway we can't go away for a weekend without a factime or call and if I had no kids of my own I'd see people would think I'm not understanding but I do not feel the need to call or message my kids when im away for a wknd or short holiday.

Ahhh I think my illness is making it all worse and his moping!

She doesnt stay overnight with us (mummy issues as she sleeps with her and wont leave her)

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 06/01/2021 12:08

Indeed, it's really not fair to the other person in the relationship to allow something outside the relationship to have such a draining impact on your mood.

It's fair enough to occasionally admit how much you miss your children. While they are with the other parent , it's really not fair to not be present in the relationship.

He doesn't sound really for another relationship.

Sup1979 · 06/01/2021 12:47

* to allow something outside the relationship to have such a draining impact on your mood. *

The “something” being his 8 year old daughter

Sup1979 · 06/01/2021 12:48

I would suggest that his mood is because he has covid and is self isolating and not able to see his daughter at all.

The OP doesn’t say he’s a miserable git as normal

Just that he’s miserable now

sassbott · 06/01/2021 13:37

He’s my ex, yes. At times I do prioritise him still as I take time to see his children and him mine. We’re not disappearing from children’s lives just because we’re no longer a couple.

Pre Covid plenty got prioritised over my children. My career. My relationship. My friends. All things move up and down in priority order dependent on what is happening at that point. Are my children consistently my number one priority? No. Especially now they are older and more self sufficient. They understand if I have to travel and be away with work. They understand if I alone can afford a long haul trip for myself (extortionate if having to fly us all). They understand if they get left with a nanny or the exh because I have a work dinner.

My world does not revolve around my children.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2021 13:43

Do your kids live with you though? Is there not a difference?

It reads to me like you resent how much he wishes to talk to his daughter. When realistically it appears you talk to yout own kids much more, becayse you’re with them much more. So on a daily basis he spends much less time with his kid than you do yours.

The fact he’s miserable is a different story. But if he is living with someone who resents him talking to his own child daily. Whilst happily living with their own kids, I could see how that wouldn’t be something you’d be delighted about.

DishedUp · 06/01/2021 13:50

Its perfectly normal to text your child first thing on new years day. Heck I still get a text from my mum at 12.01! Its also perfectly normal to speak to your 8yr old daughter daily. Your children live with you, so presumably you speak to them everyday. You don't miss your DC because you see them everyday.

DishedUp · 06/01/2021 13:51

@sassbott are you having a laugh? You go on lingual holidays without your dc?! You put your friends above your dc?!

DishedUp · 06/01/2021 13:52

Long haul*

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2021 14:02

@DishedUp

Its perfectly normal to text your child first thing on new years day. Heck I still get a text from my mum at 12.01! Its also perfectly normal to speak to your 8yr old daughter daily. Your children live with you, so presumably you speak to them everyday. You don't miss your DC because you see them everyday.
My daughters 23 I text her first thing and last thing.

I think thr key point here is the op doesn’t feel the full need as her kids live with her. It seems his child doesn’t. It seems a bit much to be complaining he contacts her too often and to resent it. She might feel the same if her kids didn’t live with her.

The fact he’s miserable though could be because he is ill with Covid, but he puts a smiley face on for his child.

If he’s miserable all the time though that could be a symptom of a relationship at the end, let’s face it thr op isn’t exactly posting nice empathetic loving stuff about him.

movingonup20 · 06/01/2021 14:04

He sounds like a man who really loves his dd and is racked with guilt. Her mum sounds like a woman who would love a break from her dd and between you all you can help get the situation better for all. Oh and we all know men take illness rather badly Grin

I personally would try to sit down (virtually) with DD's mum plus you two and come up with a parenting plan that will get your dsd to stay over night working up to more hours, sounds like her mum will jump at it, she wants a personal life too but it's hard without a night off

Hillary111 · 06/01/2021 14:13

I'm with you sassbott. What is with this enduring line that children must always 'come first' in every situation, at all times, no matter what the extenuating circumstances are. It's not realistic and certainly not conducive to building other stable, balanced and happy relationships.

sassbott · 06/01/2021 14:19

Of course I do, for both work and about once a year/ once every two years to see friends and sit on a beach child free. Kids are with their dad, why wouldn’t I? Confused

Coronawireless · 06/01/2021 14:26

Kirstie Allsop in media recently saying stepmothers get a bad press in Cinderella stories etc and they’re all lovely really.
Well, here’s yet another example of a stepmother who resents the bond between her partner and his child.

Coronawireless · 06/01/2021 14:27

It’s not just a fable Kirsty!

Sup1979 · 06/01/2021 14:30

@sassbott

He’s my ex, yes. At times I do prioritise him still as I take time to see his children and him mine. We’re not disappearing from children’s lives just because we’re no longer a couple.

Pre Covid plenty got prioritised over my children. My career. My relationship. My friends. All things move up and down in priority order dependent on what is happening at that point. Are my children consistently my number one priority? No. Especially now they are older and more self sufficient. They understand if I have to travel and be away with work. They understand if I alone can afford a long haul trip for myself (extortionate if having to fly us all). They understand if they get left with a nanny or the exh because I have a work dinner.

My world does not revolve around my children.

Fair enough

We’re very different parents

No judgement here. I sense you may be scathing of those with a different approach though.

They understand if you alone can afford a long haul trip for yourself but not them? What does that mean in practise? You get a hol and they don’t? That one comment that I am somewhat intrigued about

Sup1979 · 06/01/2021 14:34

@sassbott

Of course I do, for both work and about once a year/ once every two years to see friends and sit on a beach child free. Kids are with their dad, why wouldn’t I? Confused
Ah I see

That’s not prioritising is it? Surely that is - you on your own so doing something with the time?

maudspellbody · 06/01/2021 15:04

I have some sympathy. I had an ex who's DS was some sort of sacred cow who came first in everything. He was 10 when my ex bought a house for us all to live in eventually - and he wouldn't put the offer in until DS had seen it. In fact, DS got to see it before I did.

I never moved in, because my DC were second class citizens when we were all together. Whatever his DS wanted came first. So he would choose what we ate, what we watched and got to choose his own bedroom (the cool attic room, which my DS would have loved, but he was never considered.)

It killed the relationship in the end. I was walking on eggshells because his DS could never be upset or not put first in every situation - with no understanding that my DC (who i also share with their DF, so I know how it is to not always be with your own DC) were my priority too.

And yes, the sulking and grief when he didn't have his DS every other Christmas Eve was annoying. Ex couldn't make the best of it and enjoy his time with me, as his partner. He just sulked all day and made my Christmas miserable too.

Also yes to the twice daily FaceTime. He did it first thing and last thing every day, even if we were out on a date. He would take his phone outside the restaurant or bar we were in and talk to DS, who had nothing to say, as he had been on his PS4 all day.

I never felt important at all.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 06/01/2021 16:17

Thank you for the comments. I agree he will also be feeling miserable in part as he is poorly, we both have covid and are both feeling awful! He is generally an upbeat, cheery person but we have had alot of isolation recently as exposed to covid as well in November.

My to DC live without me part of the time as they have 40% with their own Dad so i do know what it's like to spend time apart from them. Although his DD doesnt do overnights she is here three times a week for tea, days at weekends etc. On those days we plan meals around her as she is extremely limited/fussy, plans revolve around her.
My DC have up to four or five days apart from their own dad but he does not call, face time etc in that period I think you also have to respect that other parents time with your child.

I am not jealous or trying to come between them and those that say I dont like their bond I wouldnt say it's any different to any other parent or child.

Hi DD's mum is not helping with the staying over she just says she will stay when she is ready- hardly seems desperate for a break and he sees her on days convenient to her mum, eg if her mum is taking them to stay with her boyfriend or not.

With regards to the holiday thing when going away for four days I enjoy my time there whether with friends or partner I find it hard he isnt present in these times. Weekends away in the past have included facetimes from the DD/her mum who is always in the background talking as well.

OP posts:
Sup1979 · 06/01/2021 16:59

With regards to the holiday thing when going away for four days I enjoy my time there whether with friends or partner I find it hard he isnt present in these times. Weekends away in the past have included facetimes from the DD/her mum who is always in the background talking as well.

Op it’s fine you can completely to switch off
But for many parents, parenting isn’t a “role”, it really is part and parcel of who they are.

I went away with two girlfriends for 3 nights. We each face timed our children twice and bought them gifts!

Different if adult children but this is an 8 year old we are talking about

New posts on this thread. Refresh page