Bitchy rant about my oh..

[Kel9]

So my fiancé and I live together and have done for almost 4 years. I have an 8 year old who lives with us and I share custody with his dad, 50%. We co-parent well.

My fiancé has a son too, who’s 9 and gets on really well with my son however he gets his son every Saturday for a day. His son has refused to stay with us since my fiancé moved in about 3 years ago. My ss still sleeps with his mum and we think this is why he doesn’t stay over.

Any how tonight my son is at his dads so my fiancé and I have had wine and watched a box set. If I’m honest my fiancé has been sat on his ass for days and I’ve been non stop with the house work and entertaining my son.

I realise how petty/childish this sounds but I need to share my frustration. Tonight I asked my oh if he would make us a cup of tea whilst I nipped to the toilet.. he was like you do it I’ve not stopped! (Yeh right) he was being cheeky and I thought we were having a laugh. I retaliated and said I’ve cooked tea, cleaned the house and you and ss sat in the house all day yesterday watching tv, i genuinely said it whilst trying to be funny/joking!

Well that was it! He started accusing me of not allowing him to spend quality time with his son.. I mean wtf... where the hell has this come from!

All because I said they had done nothing but sat on there arses ? He accused me of having too much wine and stormed off to bed raging!

He’s made me out to be the bad person and tried to discredit me and I feel really pissed off! for a change I am not going to chat to him and resolve things straight away. I need my head space.?

I feel like he’s feeling pissed off with the arrangements with his son and I’m getting the brunt off this. This conversation we had prior to him storming off was adult and not in my opinion worthy of an argument/fallen out!

Anybody else had any experience in this?

It also seems difficult for some women to accept the fact that some men genuinely believe in the roles and behaviors that the demonstrate. Many women will claim that the man is a Disney Dad or parenting out of guilt without being able to understand that the man is simply treating his children in the manner that he desires to treat and to relate to them. What you call Disney, he calls Dad He is parenting in a way that he chooses and rarely is he taking a poll or seeking opinions.

I’m not sure this is necessarily true. I know for a fact that my DH’s Disney tendencies are driven by laziness and guilt. He’s admitted that he hates their behaviour and attitudes, but if he were single he’d just buy them stuff all the time and never bother telling them off. He’d ignore the crap behaviour (which gets worse the more Disney the parenting - they just want more and can’t cope with the lack of boundaries) and hand them back to their mum.

He has literally no desire for our baby to be parented like that. By me or him. He will say to me that he absolutely does not want X, Y or Z for him - and then he’ll allow exactly the same behaviour in his older kids (and then complain that they’re such hard work and not fun to be around). He’ll also tell me he’s worried that they’re a bad influence.

I don’t think most of these men do believe in the roles they demonstrate. They just expect the women around them to do the parenting for them. And if there isn’t anyone to do it, they just can’t be bothered.

@Anuta77 I’m certain he doesn’t realise it.

He is not trying to be an arsehole. But he’s so busy working through all sorts of conflicting feelings that he isn’t seeing anything else.

The thing is, lots of the conflicting emotions could be helped if he were less lazy. If he parented more effectively, they’d behave better and he wouldn’t find himself in some weird conundrum where he loves and misses them but is still pleased not to see them because they’re always such hard work - and that just adds to the layers of guilt he’s accumulating.

Tbh, I don’t just accept any of this crap. I tell him it’s not acceptable and go to do my own thing. Plus I refuse to do his parenting for him.

Thinking about it, Disney dad parenting in separated families is not just a difference in values for most people. If it were, they’d have Disney parented their way through pre-separation life. But that’s rarely the case. There are plenty of posts on MN where mothers lament their ex’s Disney parenting and its dire effects in their children.

Similarly, if it were just a difference in values, they’d want to relate to all the children in the house the same way. Again, very often it’s only the man’s children from a previous relationship who have the red carpet rolled out for their arrival. His younger children get standard fathering. Or even some sort of diminished relationship with their father because he’s so focused on being Disney dad when their half siblings are there and acting like he’s bereaved the second they leave.

It’s so much harder with lock down. I’m still working as I’m a key worker leaving my oh and son at home. It’s a mad house lol!

I appreciate how good my oh is with my son as he helps a lot. I think there is an elephant in the room and it’s his son. We don’t talk about his son much and I’m at the point I’m happy with that. I think that’s because we only have him for a day and then he’s gone... it’s like a flying visit. When my son is here almost full time and my oh is getting to see what it’s like to actually parent... and it’s not easy. I use to get annoyed (internally) when my son was being a nuisance and see oh getting annoyed! I had to remind oh that my son is a normal 8 year old acting out at times and he sees it all because he is present, whilst his sons like the quiet child who’s on his best behaviour when he visits! .... that was not welcomed at all!

I totally agree with this!!

I think even if my oh and I were to have kids of our own.. which we are not... things wouldn’t change! My oh is happy sitting on his ass with his son all day not doing anything and his sons on the iPad all day! I’ve tried doing things to include his son but it’s waisted.. they are both lazy so I do my own thing. I have to say time alone is bliss!

This has nothing to do with his son. He thought you were having a go and he has no defence so he's using attack. He's feeling guilty as he knows he's sat on his arse while you've done everything so he's finding something to throw back at you to make you the bad guy. Don't apologise, let him sulk till he comes to you with an apology.