Bitchy rant about my oh..

[Kel9]

So my fiancé and I live together and have done for almost 4 years. I have an 8 year old who lives with us and I share custody with his dad, 50%. We co-parent well.

My fiancé has a son too, who’s 9 and gets on really well with my son however he gets his son every Saturday for a day. His son has refused to stay with us since my fiancé moved in about 3 years ago. My ss still sleeps with his mum and we think this is why he doesn’t stay over.

Any how tonight my son is at his dads so my fiancé and I have had wine and watched a box set. If I’m honest my fiancé has been sat on his ass for days and I’ve been non stop with the house work and entertaining my son.

I realise how petty/childish this sounds but I need to share my frustration. Tonight I asked my oh if he would make us a cup of tea whilst I nipped to the toilet.. he was like you do it I’ve not stopped! (Yeh right) he was being cheeky and I thought we were having a laugh. I retaliated and said I’ve cooked tea, cleaned the house and you and ss sat in the house all day yesterday watching tv, i genuinely said it whilst trying to be funny/joking!

Well that was it! He started accusing me of not allowing him to spend quality time with his son.. I mean wtf... where the hell has this come from!

All because I said they had done nothing but sat on there arses ? He accused me of having too much wine and stormed off to bed raging!

He’s made me out to be the bad person and tried to discredit me and I feel really pissed off! for a change I am not going to chat to him and resolve things straight away. I need my head space.?

I feel like he’s feeling pissed off with the arrangements with his son and I’m getting the brunt off this. This conversation we had prior to him storming off was adult and not in my opinion worthy of an argument/fallen out!

Anybody else had any experience in this?

Maybe he was the one who had too much wine. Try to calm down and not think about it. Wait until he calms down and then try to talk to him nicely (I know sometimes I want to yell at DP, but faking niceness works better) and ask what happened. People are always sensitive when it comes to their kids. Probably, it's not a big deal.

Yes I’ve found this and I tend to let him cool off and talk later.

He’s away to work and not said a thing lol so I’ll let him get on with it today.

See there's another thread on here currently where someone said that it's normal for parents to jump to being defensive to any perceived slight towards their kids and you should expect that and put up with it. I disagree. The examples given in that thread and here are NOT reasonable instances to become aggressively defensive. You had clearly not done what he accused and he needs to sort his head out rather than make a habit of taking this out on you.

I'm sure it is just a standard fight and you will both cool off, but I disagree with the sentiment that it should be considered normal and acceptable for parents to fly off the handle at any mention of an issue that could be even tangentially linked to their child, especially if that translates to the step parent being unable to discuss things that have an affect on their lives, as in your case. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around them, not have important practical discussions, and accept them reacting like this if you transgress. That behaviour is toxic and it shouldn't be excused just because "people are sensitive about their kids".

I agree @aSofaNearYou. It’s just not ok to be aggressively sensitive about any possible perceived slight to your darling angels.

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere too. I was talking to my DH about the buggy I’d just converted from pram to pushchair mode. I said something like ‘it can stay like this until he’s too big for a buggy’ (in relation to what a bloody faff it was converting it). All completely un controversial you’d think. But no. DH said something about how we could switch to using the massive, hard to steer, too big to fit in the boot buggy he had for DSS at some point. I merely said I didn’t see why we’d ever want to do that and I got a rant about me not wanting to use something the DSS had been in and hating the DSC and nonsense like that.

No. I just don’t see why we’d ever switch from a small, easy to manoeuvre buggy to one that’s impossible to steer around a shop without catching the wheels on everything. Somehow he finds a way to make a conversation that had literally nothing to do with the DSC into some weird over sensitive thing to have a go at me about. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Divorced dad guilt comes out of nowhere and makes no sense at all.

@Kel9 I think the issue here is that your DH felt guilty about having done very little with his son. So he decided that he’d project it on to you and make you the bad guy. SMs make convenient scapegoats for this crap.

@aSofaNearYou

See there's another thread on here currently where someone said that it's normal for parents to jump to being defensive to any perceived slight towards their kids and you should expect that and put up with it. I disagree. The examples given in that thread and here are NOT reasonable instances to become aggressively defensive. You had clearly not done what he accused and he needs to sort his head out rather than make a habit of taking this out on you.

I'm sure it is just a standard fight and you will both cool off, but I disagree with the sentiment that it should be considered normal and acceptable for parents to fly off the handle at any mention of an issue that could be even tangentially linked to their child, especially if that translates to the step parent being unable to discuss things that have an affect on their lives, as in your case. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around them, not have important practical discussions, and accept them reacting like this if you transgress. That behaviour is toxic and it shouldn't be excused just because "people are sensitive about their kids".

I agree! I think he is supper sensitive about the issues with his son because he feels bad about a whole lot of things.

One being that since oh moved in ss will not stay overnight. Ss sleeps with his mum and prior to oh and I moving in together slept in his dads bed. However now he has bunk beds with my son who he gets on well with but still refuses to stay.

I think my oh feels bad about this. He’s basically a Disney dad and I know that sounds awful but that’s the truth.

I don’t jump down his throat when he mentions my son! I accept that we are both in this together and there is going to be things that piss each other off but he can’t act like a spoilt brat when he hears something he’s not happy about.

@KumquatSalad you are right!!!
This tends to be there routine when my sons not about. I know he was feeling guilty.

I think that’s the one thing I feel has been difficult having a blended family, in the past our arguments are generally how my oh has perceived a conversation about my ss and his situation. I actually think that I have a little resentment about my oh and ss due to how my oh deals with this all the time!

@Kel9 issues to do with the DSC are all we ever fight about too. Tbh, it’s not the DSC per se. They are extremely hard work but it’s actually their father’s attitude and expectations that cause the problems. We fight because he expects me to do things for them or put up with behaviour he can’t be bothered to address (usually while expecting me to do things for them at the same time).

Or we fight because he’s feeling guilty/frustrated and wants to take it out on me. He’d rather argue with me and claim I’m not caring enough or something than tell his daughter off for a behaviour HE hates. It’s even more frustrating when he’s annoyed with his ex and is all polite to her but horrible to me. It’s not my fault that his ex is an arsehole.

Funnily enough, we don’t fight about my kids or issues arising from them. Perhaps that’s because I expect almost nothing from DH in relation to them?

To a certain degree I am sympathetic to his struggles with divorced dad guilt. But projecting it on to me is not ok.

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere too. I was talking to my DH about the buggy I’d just converted from pram to pushchair mode. I said something like ‘it can stay like this until he’s too big for a buggy’ (in relation to what a bloody faff it was converting it). All completely un controversial you’d think. But no. DH said something about how we could switch to using the massive, hard to steer, too big to fit in the boot buggy he had for DSS at some point. I merely said I didn’t see why we’d ever want to do that and I got a rant about me not wanting to use something the DSS had been in and hating the DSC and nonsense like that.

Wtf? Even if that WAS what you meant and you didn't want to use hand me downs from his first time around, that wouldn't have been unreasonable and he should have understood and respected that. I absolutely despair at some of the partners I read about on here.

I used to have exactly the same with my exdp @Kel9. I've also studied psychotherapy and the definition of someone 'needing' psychotherapy is when their response to an incident is way too intense for the actual incident.
The only time exdp & I ever fought was around stuff like this. Eventually I told him that I was sick of getting his grief & anger when the cause of his grief & anger (his exw & dc) got all the smiles & the Mr. Happy persona & that I was no longer going to be his emotional punching bag; that he either sought counselling or to leave. An ultimatum? Yes, but a reasonable one imo.
Living with someone who will constantly make you feel like you've done something wrong when in fact NONE of what's going on is your fault is absolutely demoralising & really bad for your self esteem.
@Kel9 - did YOU make the decision that dss should sleep with his parents & not be weaned off this? NO.
@KumquatSalad - did YOU make the decision to buy a big lumbering buggy for dsc? NO.
So why should either of you have to bear the brunt of decisions made before you'd even met oh?
Anyhow - upshot was exdp got counselling & it did him the world of good in that he took responsibility for HIS emotions around exw & dc & stopped projecting onto me. Our relationship drastically improved but by that time the dc were older teens & very obnoxious & set in their ways (to the point of it impacting on my dc) so I ended things.
My advice would honestly be to stamp this out now or you forever be made feel that the fallout of the previous relationship is somehow your fault/business when it's really not.

@aSofaNearYou You’d think that ‘actually I don’t want the buggy your ex chose’ (it was definitely her choice) would be completely reasonable. But here, through the stepfamily looking glass, that apparently means you’ve got an issue with a child and a vendetta against them.

@Magda72 I think you’re right that psychotherapy would be useful. Projection is not something anyone should have to live with.

Obviously I didn’t buy a huge, lumbering buggy. I bought a very nice one that folds up small enough to take on a plane as hand luggage (and therefore doesn’t take up all the space in the hall 😂). Hilariously, he got what she insisted was the ‘travel buggy’ and she sold the even more massive travel system. It has as much in common with most peoples idea of a travel buggy as a go on a pedalo does to a trip on a luxury yacht. 😂 and it’s about as manoeuvrable as a giant yacht.

@Magda72 yep I agree! He talks about his ss but mainly on his own terms. It’s got to the point I don’t speak about his son!

[quote KumquatSalad]@aSofaNearYou You’d think that ‘actually I don’t want the buggy your ex chose’ (it was definitely her choice) would be completely reasonable. But here, through the stepfamily looking glass, that apparently means you’ve got an issue with a child and a vendetta against them.

@Magda72 I think you’re right that psychotherapy would be useful. Projection is not something anyone should have to live with.

Obviously I didn’t buy a huge, lumbering buggy. I bought a very nice one that folds up small enough to take on a plane as hand luggage (and therefore doesn’t take up all the space in the hall 😂). Hilariously, he got what she insisted was the ‘travel buggy’ and she sold the even more massive travel system. It has as much in common with most peoples idea of a travel buggy as a go on a pedalo does to a trip on a luxury yacht. 😂 and it’s about as manoeuvrable as a giant yacht.[/quote]
🤣😂 yep it’s like you are attacking his child by not liking something not directly linked to them. I mean my oh needs to understand I have bigger fish to fry 😂

It’s even more frustrating when he’s annoyed with his ex and is all polite to her but horrible to me. It’s not my fault that his ex is an arsehole.
I get this too and it drives me mad. DP can’t stand his ex but is often all nicey nicey and accommodating with her - going beyond neutral which is probably the most that is required given her past unpleasantness - because he doesn’t want a fight with her. But happy to have a go at me about stuff connected to his DC that really is not my fault.
Recently I somehow got the blame for the fact that his DC want to be on screens all the time (nothing to do of course with the fact that they have what appears to be almost limitless screen time at his exes) - I think cos I’m not organising enough exciting activities to make them want to get off & even though Its me who actively tries to set boundaries around screen time on the occasions when my DC overlap with his.

Recently I somehow got the blame for the fact that his DC want to be on screens all the time (nothing to do of course with the fact that they have what appears to be almost limitless screen time at his exes) - I think cos I’m not organising enough exciting activities to make them want to get off hmm

Yes. Obviously it’s you that’s not pulling their weight in entertaining his children. Couldn’t possibly be anything else! 🙄

It is absolutely infuriating to have someone pick a fight with you as a proxy for the person they are actually annoyed with.

My DH hasn’t seen his older DC since before Christmas. This is because their mother broke the rules, took them to visit someone with covid and they’ve had back to back self isolation as someone developed symptoms. Absolutely none of that is in any way my fault. No matter how hard you try to squint at it.

DH has been pretty polite to his ex throughout this crap. But he’s tried several ways of starting a fight with me instead. My particular favourites were when he got annoyed with her and apparently it was my fault for making a brief comment to him ‘getting him all riled up’ (that one has a complete failure to take responsibility for himself and transferring his anger on to me). Also the bit where I got fed up with his ‘poor me; there’s no point on having any time off work now’ routine (because, you know, the rest of us don’t matter) and just went to bed to feed the baby, and he accused me of having no empathy about his plight and being horrible. At length.

Thing is, I know he’s just feeling guilty because actually the whole Christmas and new year period has been more enjoyable to him than if the DSC were here. They are such hard work and it’s rarely any fun while they’re here. So he tries to transfer that guilt on to me because I’m not upset at not having seen them.

I was all set (twice, in anticipation of having them at Christmas, and at the end of the first 10 days of isolation) to have them here and to include them in festive meals etc (including buying food specially for them). And I wrapped up all their presents so that DH could show them that they were here. I was being hugely supportive to facilitate him having time with his older children over Christmas, and to make it nice for them. I don’t feel bad at all that my reaction to the news that they weren’t coming (twice) was just to feel sad for DH that his ex had managed to screw him over yet again. I’m certainly not taking the blame that he’s enjoyed it being more relaxing with them at their mums. Maybe he could consider what he could do so that he might enjoy his time with his DC more, instead of blaming me for giving him plenty of time and space to enjoy their behaviour himself. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@KumquatSalad yes, this!!

I think my oh feels guilty as he’s gotten use to taken his son home at the end of a visit and then being able to not have that additional burden, he admitted to me once that he’s now just use to him not staying over and it’s easier for him.

I use to find his situation with his son and ex frustrating and infuriating! His ex was a nightmare from day one even though they separated when his 9 year old son was 1! Now I don’t give it the time of day and I think now he notices. What’s the other option ...to bicker about it when in 10 years time or less the boys won’t be bothering about us!

It’s fucking hard work at times though and I have often fantasied about him not being a parent. I know that sounds god awful!

@KumquatSalad your oh should be happy you are actively including his children. They always say it’s the ones closest to you that take the brunt of there anger!!

I think your partner is definitely transferring his guilt into annoyance at you for just getting on with your life.

My DH should be grateful. But instead he gets annoyed that I just do the background stuff (shopping, cooking, organising etc) and then leave him to actually be with his children. He seems to think I should be desperate to spend all my time with them (while he buggers off to play fifa/exercise/clear out the shed/whatever else he’d rather be doing than craft activities with DSD). I’m not thinking or acting like they’re ‘our children’.

Meh. They’re not our children. And I’m not willing to step in and interact with them in his stead. If he wants to go for an hour cycling, he can stick them in front of the tv. I’m not playing with them because he can’t be bothered to.

I do loads of background and logistical stuff to make it easy for him to spend time with them. I don’t need to do more. Nor is it my fault that he finds them extremely hard work and all their interests boring.

I learned to play pokemon card games because my DSes were interested in them. I became a swimming official to support DS2, and to take an interest in his hobby. I’ve taken DS1 to comic conventions. I’ve spent hours playing Star Wars games (and know the names of the most obscure characters) and building Lego and baking with my sons. And I’ll do similar for my youngest son too.

But I’m not doing it for the DSC. He can do craft activities with DSD. He can take her to classes she’s interested in. If he wants her to be involved in baking here, he can bake with her (I did a couple of times but being told how I’m not as good at it as mammy throughout is not fun). He can try to teach DSS how to play with anything at all. They’re his children and that’s what parents do.

It’s just not my job. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess that means I am guilty of the charges. I don’t and won’t see them as my children. They’re not. And doing so would only let him get out of his responsibilities.

I could write this myself! Me and DP live together with my two DC. His Dad (7) has never easily stayed at her dads and hasn't stayed for the last year, same reasons as she sleeps with her Mum!
DP gets so down about this and is such a disney dad and literally rolls the red carpet out for DD when she comes but I darent say anything ever!

@Festivalgirl83 😂 this is what I go through every weekend!! His son choose anything for dinner which is going out for dinner, chooses what he does I mean that could be cinema, bowling etc obviously prior to lockdown.

It drives me nuts, meanwhile I’m the boring rule maker... mine is a total Disney dad and his son can do no wrong!

What I find shocking about this thread & so many other threads on here lately is how dominant the man's moods are & how we all are either facilitating or facilitated them!
Why as women are we so accepting of our lot? Why do we accept shitty, bullying (and let's call it exactly what it is) bad tempered behaviour from men who cannot get their emotions together & who dump all their frustrations on us?
What are we teaching our children & most especially our daughters by living with this crap? - that the woman must always be second best? - that men's ridiculous, childish & bullying behaviour should be let off the hook?
Honestly I'm so sick of this bullshit in both 'intact' families and separated or blended families.
I'm in no way a man basher but this Christmas & these many lockdowns have seemed to unleash a shocking level of unacceptable, misogynistic behaviour in men/dads.

@Magda72
I agree with you that women are far too tolerant of poor behavior. I think much of it comes from women wanting to prove desperately how much better they are than the man's previous partner. Women assume roles of nanny, cook, cleaner and chauffeur under the mistaken opinion that they are increasing their value and stock. Soon enough most tire of that role , but then blame the man for using or under appreciating them without ever admitting that they willingly assumed those roles. Who ever turns down free labor? Many will tolerate unsolicited help when it makes their life easier.

It also seems difficult for some women to accept the fact that some men genuinely believe in the roles and behaviors that the demonstrate. Many women will claim that the man is a Disney Dad or parenting out of guilt without being able to understand that the man is simply treating his children in the manner that he desires to treat and to relate to them. What you call Disney, he calls Dad He is parenting in a way that he chooses and rarely is he taking a poll or seeking opinions.

Women tend to stay in unhappy relationships and then to blame the partner for their unhappiness. The hardest lesson for me to learn was that my partner could love me and still have very different views and values. My job was not to expect him to change but to decide what I was willing to tolerate and what I could not tolerate .He too had the same options. Neither of us was being unkind or unreasonable by having a different pov and wanting to maintain those povs.

@aSofaNearYou

See there's another thread on here currently where someone said that it's normal for parents to jump to being defensive to any perceived slight towards their kids and you should expect that and put up with it. I disagree. The examples given in that thread and here are NOT reasonable instances to become aggressively defensive. You had clearly not done what he accused and he needs to sort his head out rather than make a habit of taking this out on you.

I'm sure it is just a standard fight and you will both cool off, but I disagree with the sentiment that it should be considered normal and acceptable for parents to fly off the handle at any mention of an issue that could be even tangentially linked to their child, especially if that translates to the step parent being unable to discuss things that have an affect on their lives, as in your case. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around them, not have important practical discussions, and accept them reacting like this if you transgress. That behaviour is toxic and it shouldn't be excused just because "people are sensitive about their kids".

Ohh, I didn't say that it's ok for the parents to being defensive about their kids for nothing, I've been victime of this not so long ago after being accused of hating SD for some stupidity. But the advice to wait until both calm down and talk about it is still valid. I explained to my DP that his accusations only make me feel bad about SD and are not making things better. It seems that he understood (for now), but I'm also more careful about what I say or do when it comes to her.

Obviously, there are probably other issues when people fly off the handle like this and either a serious talk or a therapy is required. But not everybody goes through this, especially not now. What else can you do other than understanding and accepting the situation until you can do something more efficient (like therapy or breakup)?

@Magda72

What I find shocking about this thread & so many other threads on here lately is how dominant the man's moods are & how we all are either facilitating or facilitated them! Why as women are we so accepting of our lot? Why do we accept shitty, bullying (and let's call it exactly what it is) bad tempered behaviour from men who cannot get their emotions together & who dump all their frustrations on us? What are we teaching our children & most especially our daughters by living with this crap? - that the woman must always be second best? - that men's ridiculous, childish & bullying behaviour should be let off the hook? Honestly I'm so sick of this bullshit in both 'intact' families and separated or blended families. I'm in no way a man basher but this Christmas & these many lockdowns have seemed to unleash a shocking level of unacceptable, misogynistic behaviour in men/dads.

I would say that it's probably because it's mostly women who post here, but there are plenty of women who behave poorly towards men. All these horribles exes were certainly terrible partners too. This pandemic is showing the cracks in the relationships more than anything else I guess.

I have 4 dsc with my oh and 3 together
2 of them have lived with me and flown the nest, other 2 jsut come and go when they pleased (mostly when they want something )
I am quite lucky at the fact we're on the same page, we discuss everything and agree 90% of the time.

Example - oldest were fixing things in the garage other day and I said dinner was ready and the noise they was making wasn't fair on neighbours and to do It on the weekend and one had a bad Attitude to me and basically said he isn't bothering anyone blah blah. Oh totally agreed with me and DSS he couldn't be more sorry he just didn't think at the time" - we've all done it but oh supported me and was on the same page. This is so important

All the DSc message me and not him I love that haha and I also speak to their mums so that helps loads. But when they come they don't sit on phones we all do things like play games, crafts, baking! And the older ones help tidy or clean up after we do things or if they house sit they wil clean up for me

I am very lucky to have dsc and have a good blended family I suppose but I Really feel for you op I'd be so frustrated if this was me and I didn't get the help and support I do.
You need to sit down and speak properly an say it isn't right something needs be sorted for everyone's sake because having an atmosphere isn't good for your ds who I don't think your oh is thinking about when he's behaving like this and it isn't setting a good example xx

My SD also slept with her mother until 12 (when the mother made a "bedroom" for her in the living room of their appartment, instead of moving to a bigger one and it's not because of lack of money). She also slept with my DP until we moved in together, she was 9. Somehow, transferring her to a separated bedroom wasn't too complicated. I (not him) bought her a sleeping toy, I (not him) read a story before bed and everything went surprisingly smoothly.

I think that my DP could have transferred her to her own bed much faster instead of thinking that she's unable to sleep alone at that age. I'm wondering if these men use the "my kids sleeps with the mom and that's why he/she can't stay over" excuse to justify their laziness and lack of parenting skills and then transfer their guilt to their partner.

@KumquatSalad I feel for you, your partner sounds extremely immature. I think it's important, like Magda so well said, to explain to them that you don't want to be his emotional punching bag. Maybe they don't even realize it?