Not a bloody taxi service!!

[Songbird232018]

Ok I need opinions on what to do here...
Me and DH 4 kids 1 bio 3years and 3 SKs (14-17) now they are coming to ours a lot more regular with e learning and with this brings the dreading 'forgetting stuff' just to be clear there's no real animosity towards the kids here, yes they should remember better etc but going between houses stuffs bound to be missed.
My problem is their mum and step dad never ever bring then to pick stuff from ours they've forgetting or drop stuff to them at ours etc.

Eldest forget his acne meds- I took him back to pick up as dad had had a drink (bday celebration) his mum says he'd just have to not use it over the weekend.

Youngest forget his work at mums he needed for e learning, his dad took him back.

Daughter forget her coat! Her bloody coat (that I bought 2 weeks previously) mum says well if your dad or step mum are driving past pick it up... we have no bloody reason to drive past! So I go again.

Eldest leaves his laptop charger here at the weekend and says he can't work without it... no one can drive him over so I have to go at 8am (dads on nights)

There's plenty more... well tonight they went home at 6pm and low and behold the youngest has left his laptop charger here and needs it for work tomorrow, he's got 13%battery

When they leave yours they need to do a room sweep to make sure they have everything they need. By sweep, I mean, walk into their bedroom and other rooms to make sure they haven’t left anything behind.
I also agree about them walking and or doing without. They’re not little kids.

Agree the kids need to take some responsibility here for their own stuff, but I’d find it really stressful having to remember everything important moving to another home once or twice a week.

Having to pack for a weekend away is a big stressor for me, and I only do it a couple of times a year. How often do you go on holiday and go through the mental checklist of what you might have forgotten? Have a little panic when you can’t find your passport and then get there and realise you’ve forgotten your charger or something? These kids are having to do that every week.

I was always quite forgiving of that stuff when mine were visiting their dad. Less so when they forgot their lunchbox for school or guitar on music lesson days etc but in that case they could get school lunches or borrow a guitar at school so it wasn’t such an inconvenience to them. If it was missing a vital part of school uniform or a PE kit etc either XH or myself would make the journey (only 10 mins or so) to make sure they had it. It’s the least you can do for them when they’re having to uproot their lives all the time. However, we would also both do the checks at the door - “have you got xyz?” before leaving to try and prevent it happening too often. You need to get them into that habit.

I just don't see why We are bothered about them not having access to work /no coat in dead of winter / no meds when the other household doesn't give a monkeys
Maybe the other house are wondering why you are running around after then rather than letting them learn their lesson?
Hold the line. My DSD used to be terrible for throngs like this and pre-Covid DH worked across the road from ex so it was easy enough to meet her and sort it out next day if things were forgotten.
Now it’s not so easy but funnily enough she’s never forgotten anything again after spending 3-4 days without her phone as it wasn’t convenient for me to drive it over so her mother 😱 eventually came to collect, presumably when the whinging got too much!

My daughter walks that far to and from school each day, she’s 14/year 9 so comparable... it’s nothing and it’s good for them, they’ll soon start remembering if they’re made to walk and go get it themselves!

40 minutes is too far to walk?! Good Lord! I hate to get all "in my day" but there were people at my school who did that every day.

Too far to walk really would be around 35/40 mins I think plus they would never know the way

My dc walk 40 mins each way to school every day, have done since starting secondary. Your SKs would have no issue navigating the route using their phones plus their brains - assuming they are familiar with the local area?

Time for The Chat I think. Make a note over the next month or so of how many times they forget stuff. Then point out to them how much their laziness (which not bothering to check they have everything boils down to) is costing you in time. Take it back to basics - a checklist as they go back with a 'we won't be driving this over if you forget it again' warning.

The alternative is to make sure you have spare kit at yours - chargers, coats (doesn't have to be the newest/trendiest, they'll soon learn), uniform etc.

Maybe a 24 hour turnover - you will drive to get/drop stuff but they'll have to wait until the next day?

Unpopular stance would also be to highlight how much running around you guys do for them, and pointing out that mum and her dp also have as much responsibility for them. They're old enough for this to be made clear - but make sure it's not done in an accusatory way, as teens they will need guiding to take responsibility for their stuff.

That said, going between two homes is a proper ball-ache for kids with stuff so they do need some slack. Maybe a get-out-of-jail-free type pass where you promise to take/collect stuff if they need it, but only once a month, the rest of the time they walk, bus, other parent etc.

Checklist first though. Then you can legitimately say 'well we did ask you to check, and we did say that we wouldn't be able to drop it off straight away...'

They need to be asked when they get in the car if they've got everything- how was it not noticed the sd didn't have a coat till you got home?

It's hard when the other side don't give a shit m, or are they trying to teach the kids the consequences of forgetting something?

Is the 17yo learning to drive?

Just don't do it - they'll soon stop forgetting. We have the same issue here but my stepkids forget anything their dad goes back for it. There's never been any expectation on me to do it. But I tell him constantly to let them learn the hard way.

My daughter (now early teen) used to regularly forget stuff at her Dad's and I wouldn't drive her to collect it, because she had to learn to take responsibility for her stuff! She very rarely forgets things now and is pretty organised. It only takes having to be without something key for a while for them to shift gears.. they won't learn otherwise and you'll be doing them a disservice in the long run.

It did used to grind when she was tiny that her Dad often forgot her school bag, school shoes, even her coat - at 5 it was hard to expect her to remember everything on her own. Since he wouldn't make sure he had her stuff or drive forgotten stuff or post it (lives 2 hrs drive from us) I got multiple duplicates of literally everything she took to his house and had her leave her school bag at school. I swear there's still a pile of old uniform there lol

35-40 min walk is really not too long for a teenager. And they can use google maps if they don't know their way (which they should, as I assume they've been going between houses for a few years now). I also wouldn't expect them to walk that distance through a field in the middle of nowhere at night, but in general they need to start remembering their stuff.

I would, however, keep duplicates of phone and laptop chargers at your house too. If you can afford to buy them, they really are essentials that the kids will use a lot, in both houses. I assume they don't carry shampoo between houses for example. Don't buy a second coat though

I agree with PP.
Duplicates of essentials meds/chargers
Get each child to make a checklist on their phone that they run through when packing.
Anything else they walk back to collect.

Well my experience of having duplicates of things like chargers is that the chargers from my home still ended up over at my dc's dads and the chargers from his ended up here lol - one house would be drowning in chargers while the other would have none!
So personally I'd say no to duplicates. What worked for me was a checklist on their phones which I drilled into them to use & a refusal to go get something/drop something off unless it was something for school & even then I'd judge how necessary the item was.
Moving between house IS very hard on kids & I used to feel very sorry for them but teaching them to be in charge of their own possessions does them a favour in the long run.

A couple of 40 minute walks in January would soon make them remember to collect everything they need before they leave your house.

If it's 40 minute walk away, they can easily and quickly cycle over (10-15 minutes?) They're teens, not babies.

Yes you need to just stop doing it OP. I tell my 7 year old SS to pack everything he wants to take back in his bag, and if he forgets anything he has to wait until next time. I would double check imperative things have been packed. There's absolutely no way I would drop off for a late teen, they need to learn and you are allowing them not to.

How is that too far to walk?

I walked 40 minutes to high school and back every day.

When I was working in the office pre-covid I had a 25 min bus then 35 min walk commute.

It's madness to ferry them about like this, I would make them walk.

Thanks all- yes duplicate Chargers always disappear from our house as do coats and other bits we get in so we've gave up with that now.

Their mum wouldn't let them walk to ours after 6pm at night ( they aren't even allowed to get in taxis alone or ok buses alone) so unfortunately all 3 are very much chauffeured around everywhere.

I'm going to say the last half hour before they go is a full sweep as you've suggested

It’s really difficult, I had a lot of this when we did 50/50 with my DSC. Constantly driving them to their mothers to pick up forgotten stuff. Depending on what it was we would just say tough you do without after a while, however some things are just essential. We had the same issue as well that if we bought duplicates they ended up back at their mothers and we didn’t see them again. Even some of our towels and cutlery ended up there and she wasn’t forthcoming in handing those back!!
We used to do a room sweep before they left, and either ensured they have left duplicate items at ours or took all essential items with them. We went down the duplicate route after a while but ensured they were left behind. I think it’s really hard for kids moving between houses constantly packing and unpacking, however they should still at their ages be taking responsibility for their things.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Agree the kids need to take some responsibility here for their own stuff, but I’d find it really stressful having to remember everything important moving to another home once or twice a week.

You make a very good point in your entire post.

When I go away for a weekend a couple of times in the year...like you I always think I'll forget something. Doing it as often as kids with separated parents do is a constant and something orvother is bound to be forgotten from time to time.

A 40 minute walk isn't a breeze either and it would be there and back...so 80 minutes. Plus it's pretty cold weather at the moment in the UK. It feels more like a punishment for forgetting stuff.

In winter it's dark by 5pm and I wouldn't want my DC walking the streets alone, especially as this clearly isn't a public transport route and is unlikely to have a lot of people, which is a safety risk.

I know some people are a bit blaze and carefree about things like this and talk about how they walked miles on end at that age....not everyone is going to be comfortable with teens walking in the dark.

All this doesn't mean it should fall on your shoulders all the time...I'd have thought their mum would drop forgotten items to them. I personally would feel bad/embarrassed to let you as the SM be ferrying my kids about when I'm fit and able to do it myself for my own children ...I'd see it as my responsibility, not yours.

I wouldn't want my child's SM to be inconvenienced like this, because it can cause irritation and annoyance, which is not great for my DC.

@SandyY2K thank you.. that has crossed my mind too. Like are her and her husband not slightly embarrassed that I seem to be doing a lot of this grunt work back and forward unfortunately I don't think they think this way which I 100% would if my son had a SM!

My partner has made a point that the kids will remember who's been good to them and nice enough to help out with things like this which is another way of looking at it. I think I grew up very relaxed and go with the flow parents so I'm like that where's their mums house seems very strict in comparison

No-one else in the situation is prepared to be a taxi service, only you, stop being a doormat.

I had this exact same problem except ours live 40 minute drive away!
It sounds so petty but in the end when they arrived we checked through what they'd bought and wrote a list and then they had to check it off before they left.
Elder ones didn't like being treated like children so was told that they don't need to do it but if anything is forgotten they can't get it until they come back.
Also found it helps to have all computers, TVs, phones off at least an hour before it's time to leave so they actually have time to prepare and not just quickly grab their stuff while you're shouting at them to hurry up, ours were awful for waiting last minute then when we say it's time to go can't find x and y and just need to go toilet and get a drink.

My partner has made a point that the kids will remember who's been good to them and nice enough to help out with things like this which is another way of looking at it.

I do agree with this as well. Kids remember those who have been good to them.

I think the idea of a checklist isn't bad either. Although it's easy to forget to put things on the checklist too.