Not a bloody taxi service!!

[Songbird232018]

Ok I need opinions on what to do here...
Me and DH 4 kids 1 bio 3years and 3 SKs (14-17) now they are coming to ours a lot more regular with e learning and with this brings the dreading 'forgetting stuff' just to be clear there's no real animosity towards the kids here, yes they should remember better etc but going between houses stuffs bound to be missed.
My problem is their mum and step dad never ever bring then to pick stuff from ours they've forgetting or drop stuff to them at ours etc.

Eldest forget his acne meds- I took him back to pick up as dad had had a drink (bday celebration) his mum says he'd just have to not use it over the weekend.

Youngest forget his work at mums he needed for e learning, his dad took him back.

Daughter forget her coat! Her bloody coat (that I bought 2 weeks previously) mum says well if your dad or step mum are driving past pick it up... we have no bloody reason to drive past! So I go again.

Eldest leaves his laptop charger here at the weekend and says he can't work without it... no one can drive him over so I have to go at 8am (dads on nights)

There's plenty more... well tonight they went home at 6pm and low and behold the youngest has left his laptop charger here and needs it for work tomorrow, he's got 13%battery

Sorry! 13% battery left ok his laptop now we aren't seeing them again till weds and I've categorically says it's here and can be picked up whenever you can make it over, his dad agrees.

I like I says it's not constant but between 3 it's pretty regular and I'm so fed up when the other set of parents never bother. We live a good 10 minute drive and all 4 adults drive.

I’d stop facilitating it. Let your DH do it or their mum. It’s not ‘essential travel’.

Why can’t they walk?

Warn them that from now on they'll have to go back themselves to fetch anything forgotten. I would secretly make essential medication my one exception to this (e.g. asthma inhaler)

He does to be fair when he's here but his shifts mean that he's either just gone to work or not yet back home a lot of the times when I get the message.

Too far to walk really would be around 35/40 mins I think plus they would never know the way!

I'm going to be a routine in that half hour before they go they properly pack up. But this charger is not getting dropped off I'm adamant

@Butterymuffin oh I'd never not pick up or drop off meds :) I really just think they can take a turn of this now it works both ways and is just part of parenting from two houses

You only have yourself to blame. They are just kids and I'm guessing you would do it for your own? You could say no (kindly).

And why doesnt their bio dad give them lifts here and there if its too much for you?

Me and DH 4 kids 1 bio 3years and 3 SKs (14-17)

This is not factually correct. You have 1 bio and 3 step children. Your DH has 4 biological children.

In any case I think this is less of a 'who should do it' issue and more of a 'let them learn the hard way' situation. It's all about things the teenagers have forgotten. That's the issue.

@Songbird232018

He does to be fair when he's here but his shifts mean that he's either just gone to work or not yet back home a lot of the times when I get the message.

Too far to walk really would be around 35/40 mins I think plus they would never know the way!

I'm going to be a routine in that half hour before they go they properly pack up. But this charger is not getting dropped off I'm adamant

Sorry crossposted there.

Im that case limit yourself to lifesaving essentials only such as meds.

The rest will have to wait and they might learn not to forget if they realise your serious about not being the chauffer!

I would double up on chargers and on medication and anything else would be up to their dad or mum.

How seriouse is it? If they can go with out let them go with out? If seriouse then yes get it but otherwise it,s up to the kids if they have forgotton.

Yes maybe We do need to be stricter with them to be fair and they would probably forget less.
I just don't see why We are bothered about them not having access to work /no coat in dead of winter / no meds when the other household doesn't give a monkeys.

I'll take advice and just step back also and see what happens!

We have to literally ask about 10 times as they are leaving/being picked up 'do you have everything, all chargers, coats you want to bring etc...'

If they are being asked but still forgetting YANBU for saying they are welcome to come and collect. Even if they had to walk 30 minutes, it might make them more inclined to remember next time.

I just don't see why We are bothered about them not having access to work /no coat in dead of winter / no meds when the other household doesn't give a monkeys.

I don't think it matters. You do the best you can in your household for them; that includes not jumping to the click of their fingers every time they forget something.

You’re trying to be nice but you’re enabling them in being way too laid back about their belongings. Your issue isn’t with the adults in the other household, the DC are well old enough to take better care of having what they need with them or doing without.

It seems like mum had the attitude that if they've forgotten it then it's their problem not hers. You appear to be far more accommodating of their forgetfulness. They need to write themselves a check list of what the need and make sure they use it. They are too old for anyone to be running around after them however well intentioned it is.

40 minute walk is perhaps a 20 min cycle ride.

I’d refuse to fetch anything. If they wanted it enough they could walk or cycle.

Doesn't matter who's kids they are, teenagers will only learn if you stop running around after them.

They're teenagers, tell them to walk or cycle. 40 mins walk each way isn't going to kill any of them and it would teach them to check they have everything next time.

Harden your heart and say no!

Thanks all it seems I'm probably looking at it wrong and being too soft! I'll try toughening up!

It seems pretty reasonable that the parent of the day is responsible for driving if items are forgotten. So you shouldn’t need to drop things at their mothers, she should come retrieve them, but if it’s dads parenting day he is responsible for making sure a kid has medication or a charger for a device needed to do homework or a weather appropriate coat, whether that means pickup up from the other house or buying duplicates to keep at his.

Dps children only live a 10 minute walk away and we still have duplicates of important things. It just makes things easier and it means the children don't have to carry everything between houses.

Teenagers have Google maps on their phones and many have a bike to shorten the journey. They are forgetful because you (kindly) drop things off. A disincentive like a cold walk will force them to check more thoroughly in future.

Some important things like meds and chargers I would double up if possible (as adults who live btwn bases do.)

As for the rest of it, can’t tell if bio mum is not doing her job - or just has a reasonable belief in learning the hard way.

Either way you have to set your boundaries - tell everyone concerned you are doing too much running around and it stops now. Double up where you can. Suggest to bio mum she remind if appropriate. And then stand firm.

Might be irrelevant but 40 min walk is nothing!! I used to walk that to me weekend job twice a day on sat/sun aged 16-18. Might be unsafe roads but if not then get them to walk. If they don't like walking it might make them more careful!!!