Not coping with dp's parenting of his dc

[CheapPlonkAndATakeaway]

Have name changed for this

My dc are adults and dp has 2 young dc who spend EOW with us. I get on well with them and they are not the issue here.

Dp, in my eyes, is a really lazy parent. The kids have set bedtimes but he never enforces them - because they've realised they can take the piss they do. So for example, he will say you can watch one more episode of what you're watching but he won't check back and they will watch 3. Dp does not wake up at night for anything so on the weekend, let's them stay up as late as they want. Last night his 9 yr old was up till half past midnight. Problem is I am a really light sleeper so I can't get to sleep while they are still wandering around whereas it doesn't impact dp one bit as he just gets into bed and that's that. He's asleep now while I'm awake and so are both of his dc. I have a dog that will be up at 630am no matter what so it's not like I will even get a lie in to compensate.

I can live with this for EOW but exw sent a message to both me and dp to say her shifts are changing in the new year and she wants us to have them 4 days a week (Thursday to Sunday) every week. Dp, without even discussing it with me, wrote back to say yes. I said to him don't you think we should discuss this and he said why, I'm never going to say no to seeing my kids.

He's right, absolutely they must be his priority but I don't think I can manage his dc with his lax parenting for that long a period. The above are just examples, there are loads of other things.

Separately his exw has messaged me directly to say she wants confirmation from me that I'm ok with it (I think the reason for this is because dp lives in my house). I am yet to reply to her.

I've been trying to speak to dp but we've had his kids all week this week so it's quite hard to get a chance. I don't think I can do this - am I being unfair? I don't think I am but I'm starting to lose perspective!

You’re not being unfair at all. If he is to have the Dc 4 days a week it is crucial this is addressed now. Before you agree to it, which he must understand- your agreement is necessary for it to happen. Honestly, do you think he has the ability or inclination to fix his lack of parenting? You need to be honest with yourself about this. If he doesn’t- there really is only one option for you and that is for him to move out and find his own place.

What future do you want with him? He lives in your house, doesnt parent his children, knowingly leaving you exhausted.

Even if he was dad of the year i wouldnt be agreeing to every single weekend.

The time from leaving his ex wife to moving in with you, where did he live? Was it adequate for him and his children, and did he parent then?

You're certainly not being unreasonable. I split up with my ex-husband because I couldn't deal with the lack of parenting he gave to his child (who had fairly severe additional needs and needed massive amounts of attention). Ex-H was oblivious, lived in cloud cuckoo land and everything fell to me (I had my own DD to worry about too). His child was with us 50:50 and I spent every other week dreading being at home.

Unfortunately there's no easy solution. Either somehow your partner chooses to actively and properly parent his children, or, unless you're willing to put up and shut up, then you have little option but to leave the relationship.

I used to pin all my hopes on my ex's child spending more time with his mother, and thinking of ways where I wouldn't have to be around. Realistically, nothing like that was an option. My ex wanted to spend time with his son - which was clearly the right thing to do - so I had little choice but to end the relationship, which I did. I have no regrets, other than becoming involved in that relationship in the first place.

I guess it depends on whether there's any end in sight - but it doesn't seem likely if there's another ten years or so until the children leave home.

He needs to parent his DC.
But honestly, how can you respect someone who behaves like that?

Thanks, yes I agree with you. The weird thing is he is really strict on some things but not on others - his parenting is bizarrely inconsistent. He cooks all their meals and will take them to their friends and do all the admin type stuff but just inside the house, he lets them do everything and anything they want.

I'm more concerned that he tells me he will do things differently but when push comes to shove he doesn't and then untangling everything becomes a lot harder for everyone.

He's using you for accomodation.
If he had an ounce of respect for you he would have asked your permission, it's your house after all.

@HollyGenneroMcClane he was in a shared flat and never had them overnight at his place until he moved in with me. If he had them overnight, he stayed in his and exw's old house while his exw and her dp went away for the weekend

They split up in 2015.

@OppsUpsSide I am losing respect for him. Of course you can't really see these things till quite far down the line as i didn't have them staying here till after he moved in with me which was around 18 months into the relationship and even then, they didn't stay till a fair few months after that

Ask him to move out. He can parent how he wants in his own house without disrupting your life.

You can carry on dating him if you like.

He sounds like a shit father. His ex wife must be thrilled having exhausted children back after contact with their father.

@DappledOliveGroves sorry to hear about your story - sounds really difficult and upsetting!

Thanks all, you've confirmed what I thought. I will speak to him after his kids have gone back this weekend because it can't continue like this.

At least the EXW seems reasonable. Although I just couldn't continue to fancy a man who parents like your DP does.

YANBU. He sounds very selfish, especially as it's your house.

Does he pay his way? Hope he's not a cocklodger.

Not the best solution, but I would be putting them to bed.

How old are they?

His ex sounds like she has seen this all before - very cool that she messaged you separately. There is no way he should have just agreed to such a massive change in contact without talking it through. Especially as it’s your house. Does he contribute financially?

Do you think the children go to bed at the right times at her house?

Your expectations are completely reasonable and his behaviour is really odd. Leaving a 9yo up at midnight while you are sound asleep? Really poor.

Good luck with the chat. Stand your ground.

Op. I’m with the others here. He’s being totally disrespectful and highly entitled. It’s your house, of course he has to ask and get your full buy in! It’s your house!

I have a wider question. If you raised this with him and said you needed him to address xyz, would that make it different? Or is the thought of having his children 4 nights a week just a huge no even if he addresses it?

Also, does he pay for his children? Do the good shopping and adequately pay for the fact that he and his children are in your home?

Personally I wouldn’t take this on. The move from EOW to 60% contact is huge. Kudos to the ex wife for texting you, she clearly knows who this man is.

exw sent a message to both me and dp to say her shifts are changing in the new year and she wants us to have them 4 days a week (Thursday to Sunday) every week. Dp, without even discussing it with me, wrote back to say yes. I said to him don't you think we should discuss this and he said why, I'm never going to say no to seeing my kids. He's right, absolutely they must be his priority

No, he's not right! The actual parenting is a red herring, it is entirely inappropriate for him to agree to a substantial change to th4 contact arrangement without consulting you if you live together. It's mind bogglingly entitled given it's your house!

It can’t go on can it? He is not suddenly going to change, even if you have a discussion about it. You can’t have the no bedtime thing if they are there 4 days a week, presumably on school nights too.

I don’t think you want to live like this so you will have to end it.

You’ve had good advice here.

I wonder if you think he’d have agreed to the new arrangement if he wasn’t with you or living with you?

I also wonder what his ex thinks of his parenting style, does she not have bedtimes when they’re with her?

He’s never done normal parenting since they split and seems so devoted to a ridiculous fun time dad approach that neither he nor the DC would cope if he became the primary carer.

Kids aside, the fact that he’s tried to make such a massive change to all your lives without having the decency to discuss it with you is genuinely staggering and I expect he thinks he’s somehow the boss in other areas of your lives if you take a step back and think about it.

Slightly off topic but is he paying his way in your house?

Tell him that if he's going to have them more than 50% then he is going to have to get his own place to see them in because it's too much for you.

How much rent is he paying you?

Goodness that sounds neglectful of him. Leaving a 9 year old awake at night while he goes to bed? I only just started leaving DS up at weekends and he's 14! Isn't he worried about if they hurt themselves or just stay up watching unsuitable stuff on the TV?

This has really struck a chord with me, only we're married. I think the world of my step children, but DH and I went through one heck of a rough patch because he couldn't get his head around why he needed to have discussions with me (it was my house and even if it wasn't we were meant to be a team) and that you can still love your kids but give them bedtime/vegetables/switch off the PlayStation and take them swimming, rather than having it on all day.

It was because I care about them that I wanted him to parent, I didn't resent them but for a good while I resented him.

The flash point came one night when we were at a family wedding that his children were unable to attend. I was almost 9 months pregnant, and going through the washing everything stage, so all beds were stripped as we were staying in the hotel. Unbeknownst to me DH had heard from his ex that the children would like to come after all so when we got to said wedding they'd been dropped off - we had a lovely day and they were great kids, but I only found out from MIL that I wasn't staying in the hotel as planned as we were having the children overnight not running them home as I'd thought. I was more than happy to have them, but making beds in the early hours wasn't my idea of fun so once they'd gone DH got both barrels. He probably got both barrels several times over the next few days to be honest, because I needed to make him understand that it wasn't them that was the problem it was him!

Eventually he grasped it, but had we not been married with a baby on the way I don't know if I'd have just thought sod it and walked away. I love him dearly and I'm glad I stuck with it, but it was very very hard.

This is appalling he's taking the piss, I feel sorry for his children as well as for you 🙁