Not coping with dp's parenting of his dc

[CheapPlonkAndATakeaway]

Have name changed for this

My dc are adults and dp has 2 young dc who spend EOW with us. I get on well with them and they are not the issue here.

Dp, in my eyes, is a really lazy parent. The kids have set bedtimes but he never enforces them - because they've realised they can take the piss they do. So for example, he will say you can watch one more episode of what you're watching but he won't check back and they will watch 3. Dp does not wake up at night for anything so on the weekend, let's them stay up as late as they want. Last night his 9 yr old was up till half past midnight. Problem is I am a really light sleeper so I can't get to sleep while they are still wandering around whereas it doesn't impact dp one bit as he just gets into bed and that's that. He's asleep now while I'm awake and so are both of his dc. I have a dog that will be up at 630am no matter what so it's not like I will even get a lie in to compensate.

I can live with this for EOW but exw sent a message to both me and dp to say her shifts are changing in the new year and she wants us to have them 4 days a week (Thursday to Sunday) every week. Dp, without even discussing it with me, wrote back to say yes. I said to him don't you think we should discuss this and he said why, I'm never going to say no to seeing my kids.

He's right, absolutely they must be his priority but I don't think I can manage his dc with his lax parenting for that long a period. The above are just examples, there are loads of other things.

Separately his exw has messaged me directly to say she wants confirmation from me that I'm ok with it (I think the reason for this is because dp lives in my house). I am yet to reply to her.

I've been trying to speak to dp but we've had his kids all week this week so it's quite hard to get a chance. I don't think I can do this - am I being unfair? I don't think I am but I'm starting to lose perspective!

My DH had his DC Thu-Sun every single week and it is fucking exhausting because you never get a break. Mon-Wed you're at work and catching up on everything from the last weekend then prepping for the weekend ahead.

You will get people saying "you wouldn't get a break if they were your own kids" but it completely misses the point that if they were your own kids you'd be able to parent them exactly as you saw fit. It is mentally draining being a bystander in your own home.

All I can say is, don't do it - if your DP is a Disney Dad it won't end well. Unfortunately you've been placed in a no win situation now so personally I'd cut out going through all the misery and stress and have a think about other possibilities such as living separately.

He's maneuvered you into a position where you've become the default carer for his children and he has complete control over your household

Honestly his agreeing to your home becoming the primary home of two children that aren't yours, without even ASKING you, is so far beyond ok that I'd simply now tell him he has to move out.

Bet you he won't be so keen to take on his kids 60% of the time then...

It's so breathtakingly entitled, selfish and so dismissive of you - he now lives in your house, ergo, he says what goes - I beg your fucking pardon? You actually pointed out that perhaps him MOVING HIS KIDS IN TO YOUR HOUSE THAT YOU PAID FOR should be discussed and he said why?!

The conversation, if it had happened with the kind of person worth being in a relationship with, would have gone like this:

'Ex's shifts are changing and she wants me to take the kids 60% of the time. I want to, but obviously it's up to you whether you are ok with living with that big an adjustment and them coming to live the majority of the time in your home - what do you think? The alternative of course is that I move out and have a primary home for me and them somewhere else'

THAT'S how a good dad who 'will never say no to more time with his kids' would discuss this.

A shitty lazy user who can't parent, however, will only be keen to say yes when he's already got a soft spot to cocklodge, knowing he's now coddled from reality and can say a blithe yes in the knowledge it's now an easy promise.

He isn't worth being with. His ex knows this. She got rid. I'd say you'll also be happier if you follow her example.

Pack his bags. This really was an acid test, and that absolutely unthinking assumption that your home is now his is unforgivable. It tells you everything you need to know.

No you are not unfair. Time to make it clear lazy parenting us not attractive.

The way that he dismissed you when you raise the issue for discussion is very telling
In his mind he is the highest ranking person in the household and you'll have to follow his lead...

YANBU

I can see why he would want to see his children as much as possible but you live together in YOUR house so he can to expect to make a decision that affects both of you without discussing it with you.

He also needs to take you into account on how his children behave and how he parents them. You need to have a frank discussion with him about this.

4 nights will mean they also will be going to school 2 days. They need a good routine in place.
You are facilitating these visits by giving them somewhere to stay, they need to work for you too.

if you think the relationship is worth saving then I would try and level with him and have a Frank discussion about what's fair and what's right
As things stand he thinks your soft touch and he can do whatever he likes

he was in a shared flat and never had them overnight at his place until he moved in with me. If he had them overnight, he stayed in his and exw's old house while his exw and her dp went away for the weekend. They split up in 2015.

So, in all the time he was supposed to be responsible for them, he wasnt. Without moving in with you, i bet he still wouldnt be in a position to adequately parent his children.

Im curious about your frame of kind when you met, dated and inviting him to live with you. Im also very curious what he brings to the table, because from the little you've written, he just seems to be adding pressure and responsibility on you.

It was because I care about them that I wanted him to parent, I didn't resent them but for a good while I resented him.

This sums up so much! How many times are suggestions or advice taken as attacks on the DSCs?!

I am happy OP that the ‘you knew he had children when you met him’ bridagde hasn’t piled in (yet). I echo the support on here for you. This is not okay.

The fact his ex text you separately speaks volumes.

I'd feel exactly the same way you do tbh. He should have discussed it with you first as it's your house.

His response when you asked him would really push me to end things.

He needs to get his own place. But he won't, he will hang on for grim death to stay at yours where he does sweet fa and you provide the infrastructure

Just want to add...won't the kids be in school and so hopefully he will insist on a routine on those days?
As he has agreed to have the kids on his own, he can look after the kids on his own...keep your own plans or go to a friends and make out like those were your plans anyway, when he realises actually he has to do all the work then maybe he will take you into consideration more?

Maybe he's just a man that needs it spoken in plain English the obvious...I need you to give your children a routine because they're your children and I need some sleep. If you carry on wanting to make decisions without me...you need to be in your own space where those decisions don't affect me.

Bloody user.

Says something that you've actually been given more adult consideration/conversation by his ex wife than you have this so-called 'partner'.

Tell him it's not going to work for you so best if he arranges a flat, so that he can concentrate properly on raising his children now that he's going to have his dream of more time with them :)

Watch him backtrack faster than a speeding turd.

Thanks all for your.comments

It might sound odd but because my kids had left home, when I met him, his ability as a parent wasn't something on my mind and because I didn't meet his kids for a long time, I never experienced what he was like around them. I think it's only once someone is living with you and their kids come to you that you see this.

He does contribute - so he's not a cocklodger in that sense - but I do find this really unattractive as many of you have pointed out.

His kids go back today and I'm going to have a conversation with him tonight. Ultimately he needs to grow a backbone and actually parent them and if he can't do that, then I will reconsider the whole relationship because I do think less of him because of this. It's really not that hard and they are good kids but they are also clever and seeing an inch and taking a mile!

Well I can see why he is divorced.

Also they split in 2015 and he moved into a share house until he moved in with you?? Why didn’t the whole “my kids come first and I’d do anything for more time with my kids” apply then?

What a dickhead

I understand him not wanting to say no to seeing them more but he absolutely should have discussed it with you, especially given it's your house! That is very rude and completely dismissive of you.

We tend to have DSC 3-4 nights a week, very often over most weekends due to shifts. I could not cope if my DH didn't enforce rules and tbh I couldn't cope if I also didn't feel like I couldn't enforce rules too.

I don't get involved in too much but when it comes to them being in our home, I definitely don't have a problem asking DSC to go to bed now, please do X / Y etc... I think it's important that you too feel able to do that (although it shouldn't be because their father never does!).

Good luck with the conversation OP🤞
I hope he realises what side his bread is buttered on!

@Rainbowqueeen

Well I can see why he is divorced.

Also they split in 2015 and he moved into a share house until he moved in with you?? Why didn’t the whole “my kids come first and I’d do anything for more time with my kids” apply then?

What a dickhead

Sadly think that what he means by 'my kids come first' is 'I will find a woman who can be duped into doing the work of caring for my kids'☹️

Honestly, if the first part of your conversation isn't -

'Could you explain to me why you assumed you had the right to decide that your children could move into my home, without even consulting me?'

• then you are going to continue to be mooched off in all sorts of ways by this entitled, poor choice of a partner. Honestly I'm more agape than anything else at your 'Don't you think we should discuss this?' rather than an 'Um, can I remind you whose house this is?'

He's very very comfortably got what you absolutely know are lazy, entitled little feet under your table and honestly if you do want him to start changing, the first thing he needs is the shock of being told that unless he shapes up, he's out. Without that, it's just words.

And yes, where was the 'I'm never going to say no to more time with my children' when the choice was either him saving money in his shared house, or shelling out for a flat so that his newly-divorce-suffering children could stay overnight with him? Oh no. That didn't apply when it would have been him paying for the bedrooms they'd have to have.

There is no real nice way to say it OP, you've got yourself a bad egg, his wife sounds like exactly the kind of decent woman with standards and manners who got shot - you sound nice too, really REALLY do yourself a favour and kick this user into touch. Before you end up exhaustedly telling them they have to move out, with Mr Puppy Eyes giving it the wobbly lip and 'My kids have got nowhere else to go.'

I agree with Yoni and have witnessed it first hand. He might not be a cocklodger because he pays his way, but he's still most definitely a cocklodger. He should have found somewhere suitable to have his kids all by himself like a big man. You've bought your house, decorated your house and brought your kids up. It's not fair to be asked to do it all again in your own home. Date him if you must, but off he pops to find his own house where he parents in his own way and you date him in his child free time. He's talking absolute shite using the kids to get what is easy for him. He really is a cf

where was the 'I'm never going to say no to more time with my children' when the choice was either him saving money in his shared house, or shelling out for a flat so that his newly-divorce-suffering children could stay overnight with him? Oh no. That didn't apply when it would have been him paying for the bedrooms they'd have to have
THIS^!

Just tell him to move into a place of his own. You are not breaking up , but you want to live apart. He can parent as he sees fit and you can have the benefit of his companionship without being subjected to the involvement in his parenting activities.

This will allow each of you to have control of your particular environments. I think it is often a mistake to think that your romantic/love interests should have involvement in your parenting life. Just because you are my love interest says nothing about your willingness or ability to be effectively involved with my children. He has the right to parent as he sees fit. He does not have the right to involve you in any aspect of his parenting.

The house is yours and at best he is a cohabiting contributor. You have every right to ask him to find his own digs. That may or may not signal the end of your relationship, but if the relationship is contingent upon your accepting his terms then you are not losing very much.

You must insist that they are quiet when you go to bed, you are entitled to your sleep and have to get up early so it isn't fair for them to be moving around noisily. Your husband too must enter the bedroom very quietly and slide into bed next to you when he comes up, first ensuring that his son is in bed by then. He shouldn't be leaving the boy still up.

Buy some really good ear plugs.