I've had enough

[edie25]

Just come on to vent really. DSD has been living with us for newrly 2 years and will be 18 soon. Relationship with her mother is difficult to say the least. Despite being in a relationship, she is borderline obsessed with our home life and the slightest sniff that seeing her daughter will benefit or be convenient to us and she deliberately scuppers it, cancels plans at the last minute or picks a fight.

The upshot is that DSD is here ALL THE TIME. We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall. DSD adores her father and can be competitive for his attention. It's absolutely exhausting. I'm starting to really resent her being here and with her getting older comes a boat load of eye rolling, definance and general attitude.

The situation for DSD isnt great obviously. Pandem ic, only able to see friends sporadically and her mother is being an idiot. I have been sympathetic and supportive but I need a break from this child who isn't mine. I'm worried if we don't have a break, that the damage will be permanent. Help!

How many step dads take on children full-time due to absent biological dads?

Being in a relationship with the resident parent (so mostly the mum) brings with it a different dynamic because it’s to be expected that the child will be there more. So really, it’s not the same.

Sometimes I find it helps if you try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would the OP have felt if at 18 she was a SD and was living in the same circumstances? I was a step-child and hated every moment of living with a step parent (I was 14 when my Mum re-married) no chance of going to stay with my Dad as he had beggared off, and believe me, I would have given my eye teeth to get out of that house . It's not easy for either the OP or the SD. She's 18, a young adult, hopefully in a couple of years she will have moved out, just hang on in there.

@sympatico1 I certainly would have hated living in a house where the step parent resented me being there.

And @funinthesun19 isn’t there always the possibility that a step kid will change their mind which parent they want to live with, which has happened here. I can understand the OP struggling with the change but surely it was a risk that it might happen.

This year has been a weird one and I'm sure lots of parents want a break.

Unfortunately if you choose a partner with children there is always a chance you'll end up with them full time. Your DH's daughter has every bit as much right to be in her home every day as you do... sorry.

And no matter how many times you say "but I don't have children" the facts remain the same. Your husband does have a child and is responsible for her.

It sounds like he is taking his responsibility seriously which is a good thing. However, if part of the issue is you been left with extra chores etc. definitely bring this up with your husband.

If the issue is just that you don't want your stepdaughter around you full time, you have every right to leave.

You have a relationship with her dad, so you took on the responsibility of his daughter too. Eye rolls and all.

Being in a relationship with the resident parent (so mostly the mum) brings with it a different dynamic because it’s to be expected that the child will be there more. So really, it’s not the same.

She has been living with them for 2 years. Of course it's the same.

You have a relationship with her dad, so you took on the responsibility of his daughter too.
Eh no! She didn't!
His daughter has parents who have responsibility of THEIR daughter - op can be in her dp's life without assuming responsibility for his dc.
Seriously? That's a totally bonkers & ridiculous statement.
I have 3 dc - they are my responsibility & that of my exh & no one else. Their sm is a good addition to their lives but in no way is she responsible for them.
Speaking of eyerolls - I don't have enough for this type of outdated comment.

@LiJo2015

You have a relationship with her dad, so you took on the responsibility of his daughter too. Eye rolls and all.

No she didn’t. OP is NOT the parent.

Jesus OP please ignore 90% of the replies on this thread from people not in your situation.

YANBU this is NOT what you signed up for.

Talk to her father, get him engaged in coming up with solutions that suit everyone, not everyone except you. At 18 you don't need to arrange with her mother for her to go there she can just go and quite frankly it sounds like that is what is needed for the health of your relationship and your well being, both of which are just as important as SD.

To the posters supporting op just a reminder of the is this board supportive thread, let's quote the posts and flag them as ignore and let's report the posters and encourage mn to be accountable so this can be a supportive place

Where should she be? School/college/work? Things will be easier in hopefully a few weeks/months.

In the meantime, this is her home, and also yours. Can you ask DH to instigate a family meeting, and share out chores? I get very resentful of my DC and DH when I feel like I’m doing everything.

@yankeedoodledandee

The upshot is that DSD is here ALL THE TIME.

Good. Her father is providing the stability she needs.

We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall.

Meh, he is her Dad. I am with DH; we have children, we also have no break. It's normal when you have kids.

Do you really not understand the difference between having your own children there and having your stepchildren?

@ineedaholidaynow

All your posts make sense.

I must agree with the poster who said the fridge is raided. My DC are back from University and I'm spending a lot more on food.

@Leobynature

My comment is coming from the fact you said ‘We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall’.
I and others have pointed out that although the situation is fraught (3 adults being around each other 24/7 and the teenage hormones and attitude) you don’t need to parent or babysitter her. You don’t need to cook, clean up or supervisor her. She is 18! You are free to do what you like therefore you can take a break at anytime .

I agree with you.

A child who you had to do stuff for would be very different.

The situation sounds more like a houseguest that you've had enough of and need them to go home...this is her home.

You have every right to, and absolutely should, pull her up on every time she speaks to you rudely. She may not be your child but you are her mother figure and you wouldn't accept that behaviour from biological children. "Don't speak to me like that", every single time.
She's more or less an adult so she needs to be contributing to the household in some way, cooking, cleaning etc. If she was a productive member of the household it would probably alleviate the tension somewhat.
The problem isn't that she, or you, need to go away. The dynamic needs to shift so that you can live in a functioning household.

She is nearly 18!!!!!

Honestly, if any person - be they my child or not - thought that they could spend their time 'sneering' at me and simultaneously expecting free lodging, food and all the rest they would get it both barrels.

We're not talking about unsure primary aged kids handling divorce and step-parents appearing. We're talking about someone who's basically an adult unable to show basic manners to the people she lives with.

You need to sit down with your DH and tell him quite plainly you aren't prepared to live like this. The options? DSD fucking grows up and gets some manners, or you start divorce proceedings.

Option 1 would seem easier I'd say.

Children in nuclear families are there all the time. Their parents dont get a break. Lone parents with absent fathers dont get a break...

She is nearly 18. I fail to see the issue at all.

Children in nuclear families are there all the time. Their parents don't get a break.

Parents are free to parent their children in whatever way they see fit (within legal parameters of course). Having a young person in the house who you don't have that authority over takes a mental toll on you in
a completely different way, without the bonus of the love that comes from sharing DNA.

How many step dads take on children full-time due to absent biological dads?

How many more times does it need to be spelled out that there are huge differences between the expectations of step dads vs step mums? The vast majority of biological dads don't do the majority of cooking, cleaning, laundry, school runs etc let alone step dads. But look how many step mums get lumbered with some or all of these chores (or judged extremely harshly if they don't).

I’m going to disagree with some of the comments.

You don’t choose a man with kids... doesn’t work like that. You are aware of it and you work at it. Doesn’t make it any easier to digest. For me life would be so much easier if my fiancé didn’t have a child however it is what it is. I have a son too and I do accept the fact that his son might want to stay with us one day. But I didn’t sign up for that at the beginning.

@YoniAndGuy

She is nearly 18!!!!!

Honestly, if any person - be they my child or not - thought that they could spend their time 'sneering' at me and simultaneously expecting free lodging, food and all the rest they would get it both barrels.

We're not talking about unsure primary aged kids handling divorce and step-parents appearing. We're talking about someone who's basically an adult unable to show basic manners to the people she lives with.

You need to sit down with your DH and tell him quite plainly you aren't prepared to live like this. The options? DSD fucking grows up and gets some manners, or you start divorce proceedings.

Option 1 would seem easier I'd say.

Totally agree!!!

It's so hard at the moment, I think many step/blended families are like tinder boxes by the end of the holidays. I'm finding I just don't have the same patience, having to do a lot of deep breathing these days! In saying all that, at some point in the future it's likely your SD will have to live with others so you and your DH will be doing her a favour in the long run by insisting on manners and cooperation. My advice is choose your battles though, ask she takes responsibility for a few household tasks and perhaps she could cook one dinner a week. Priortise some alone time with your DH, even if it's just getting out for a drive somewhere. It's easy how quickly little bits of resentment can creep into a relationship and it's toxic. I am finding myself increasingly angry at my SC's bio mum, merrily living her life commitment free while we tried our best to muddle through another Christmas. Like others have said, hang in there, spring is coming :)

So it because you want to be intimate? I only suggest this because I have ds who's older and its coming alot harder to find alone time together when the youngest 2 are in bed. Often or not we wait until he's at his dads. I think covid restrictions haven't helped and where as she would come and go this isn't the case

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Children in nuclear families are there all the time. Their parents don't get a break.

Parents are free to parent their children in whatever way they see fit (within legal parameters of course). Having a young person in the house who you don't have that authority over takes a mental toll on you in
a completely different way, without the bonus of the love that comes from sharing DNA.

How many step dads take on children full-time due to absent biological dads?

How many more times does it need to be spelled out that there are huge differences between the expectations of step dads vs step mums? The vast majority of biological dads don't do the majority of cooking, cleaning, laundry, school runs etc let alone step dads. But look how many step mums get lumbered with some or all of these chores (or judged extremely harshly if they don't).

So the extension of this argument is that a Step Mom deserves special treatment that a Step Dad doesnt?

@Wibble01 - no, the extension if this argument is that:

1. people/society need to stop expecting things of stepmothers thar they don't expect of stepfathers &
2. people/society need to stop expecting domestic things of mothers that they don't expect of fathers &
3. people/society need to stop expecting financial things from fathers that they don't expect of mothers.

@Wibble01 how on earth did you get that from my post? Far from suggesting special treatment I was pointing out that step mums aren't held in equal regard to step dads, let alone specially. And neither are the expectations placed upon them. How many times do you see a woman praised for "taking on another woman's children" even if they do a shit load of work for their DSC? Zero.

It's not unique to step parenting situations either. Ever seen a woman praised as being an amazing mum just for taking her DC to the park and doing the odd school run but leaving the rest of the shitwork and mental load to her partner?

All I am pointing out is that it's not fair to compare women's roles with men's and I will call it out every time I see it because it perpetuates the double standards bullshit prejudice that's unique to being a step mother.