I've had enough

edie25 · 2020-12-30T22:39:09+00:00

Just come on to vent really. DSD has been living with us for newrly 2 years and will be 18 soon. Relationship with her mother is difficult to say the least. Despite being in a relationship, she is borderline obsessed with our home life and the slightest sniff that seeing her daughter will benefit or be convenient to us and she deliberately scuppers it, cancels plans at the last minute or picks a fight. The upshot is that DSD is here ALL THE TIME. We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall. DSD adores her father and can be competitive for his attention. It's absolutely exhausting. I'm starting to really resent her being here and with her getting older comes a boat load of eye rolling, definance and general attitude. The situation for DSD isnt great obviously. Pandem ic, only able to see friends sporadically and her mother is being an idiot. I have been sympathetic and supportive but I need a break from this child who isn't mine. I'm worried if we don't have a break, that the damage will be permanent. Help!

Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 22:43

This is going to sound wildly unsympathetic, but when you choose a man with children, you don't get to have breaks from them. There is always the possibility that they'll be with you full time at some point.

Your home is HER HOME. She is completely entitled to be there. She should be polite, but she should never be asked to leave.

Could you and your partner (post-covid) schedule dates and trips away on a regular basis?

Also, at nearly 18, surely she'll be off to uni or living by herself in the next year or two anyway?

DrDetriment · 30/12/2020 22:53

I dont have any advice OP but can offer sympathy. I'm in exactly the same situation with my step son. I'm just waiting for him to go off to university. It isn't his fault so I just sit on my feelings and have a good therapist!

Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 22:55

When she lived with her mother we had her literally every weekend, it was never a problem. I haven't asked her to leave so not sure where you had that from. I don't thing it's unreasonable for her to spend a little time at her mother's (in fact, I'd love to see them have a better relationship but that isn't going to happen if they don't see each other)

I don't see why getting into a relationship with someonewho has children means my life isn't my own any more. I do a lot for her, believe me!

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Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 22:56

@DrDetriment

I dont have any advice OP but can offer sympathy. I'm in exactly the same situation with my step son. I'm just waiting for him to go off to university. It isn't his fault so I just sit on my feelings and have a good therapist!

Thank you! I'm trying but it's hard at the moment. Lockdown isn't helping any of us.

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Youseethethingis · 30/12/2020 23:02

when you choose a man with children, you don't get to have breaks from them
There’s clearly been a lot of upheaval for a 15/16 year old girl to move in with her father and hardly see her mother after that. OP didn’t sign up for this. Yes, it was always a possibility but a lived reality is very different to thinking “one day this might happen”.
You might as well say to the girls mother “when you choose to have a child you don’t get to just dump them out of your life”.
That said, the person I feel most sorry for is the DSD. For a teenage girls relationship with her mother to break down to this extent is just awful.

HerMammy · 30/12/2020 23:07

when you choose a man with children, you don't get to have breaks from them daft comment, even parents get a break
from their own kids if they stay with grans/aunties etc
MN need to rid themselves sod the demented ideas about stepparents, SC should be worshipped and pandered to and loved but step mum should know her place and never speak up or say no or dislike
them, so bloody contrary.
She’s not a child at 18 and your DH needs boundaries for her and her mother.

yankeedoodledandee · 30/12/2020 23:12

The upshot is that DSD is here ALL THE TIME.

Good. Her father is providing the stability she needs.

We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall.

Meh, he is her Dad. I am with DH; we have children, we also have no break. It's normal when you have kids.

Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:13

@Youseethethingis

when you choose a man with children, you don't get to have breaks from them There’s clearly been a lot of upheaval for a 15/16 year old girl to move in with her father and hardly see her mother after that. OP didn’t sign up for this. Yes, it was always a possibility but a lived reality is very different to thinking “one day this might happen”. You might as well say to the girls mother “when you choose to have a child you don’t get to just dump them out of your life”. That said, the person I feel most sorry for is the DSD. For a teenage girls relationship with her mother to break down to this extent is just awful.

It has been a LOT of change for her, although i would say mostly for the better. She is more focused, confident and generally happier. That said, for anyone to have a fraught relationship with a parent is not good and it has been hard on her.

Seriously, she is stubborn and a bit arrogant (basically a teenager), and the worry is that she and I end up falling out. It's a real pressure cooker at the moment!

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HerMammy · 30/12/2020 23:14

Does her dad not address her rudeness?
Sounds like he’s the problem.

Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:17

@yankeedoodledandee

The upshot is that DSD is here ALL THE TIME.

Good. Her father is providing the stability she needs.

We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall.

Meh, he is her Dad. I am with DH; we have children, we also have no break. It's normal when you have kids.

Sorry to point out the bleeding obvious, but I don't have kids.

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yankeedoodledandee · 30/12/2020 23:20

Sorry to point out the bleeding obvious, but I don't have kids.

Your partner does though. You can't expect him to be any less of a parent because you don't have children.

TedTookVows · 30/12/2020 23:21

The "choosing a man with children" line has been trotted out so much with so much piety on here it has become a meaningless, utterly reductive non contribution.

One of the recent stepchildren threads was excellent :

The upshot being that the experience of being a stepchild being good or bad is dependent not upon their existence but on the behaviour of all adults involved. The same is true for the stepparents, I think. All 3/4 adults involved have to get it right.

Shaniac · 30/12/2020 23:22

Sympathies op mn is utterly shit towards step parents. Im not sure what the solution is either as neither of you can exactly escape the house for a day or two. Is your husband supportive of you as well as his dd? Maybe worth asking if you can have some time alone maybe going for walks with him to get some time away from dsd.

Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:23

@yankeedoodledandee

Sorry to point out the bleeding obvious, but I don't have kids.

Your partner does though. You can't expect him to be any less of a parent because you don't have children.

Where did I say I wanted him to be less of a parent? How does me saying I could do with a break make him less of a father?

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Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:27

@TedTookVows

The "choosing a man with children" line has been trotted out so much with so much piety on here it has become a meaningless, utterly reductive non contribution.

One of the recent stepchildren threads was excellent :

The upshot being that the experience of being a stepchild being good or bad is dependent not upon their existence but on the behaviour of all adults involved. The same is true for the stepparents, I think. All 3/4 adults involved have to get it right.

I do find it a bit odd to be honest. The idea that someone you're in a relationship with has a child and therefore you forfeit all opinions, emotions, rights, self determition etc. It's a lazy argument.

Agree with your point, it takes a village etc etc

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SandyY2K · 30/12/2020 23:28

Most kids her age spend a lot of time on their own. Being honest I barely notice my DDs are at home. They're in their bedrooms and surface to get food or whatever else they need.

In fact sometimes I actually have to pop into their rooms to check they're okay because I don't hear a perp from them.

It's really not the age you should have to be stressed with and run around after....or is it just her presence that's the issue?

Because as a parent...the only breaks you get are by going away...which is much needed at times. Unfortunately with the covid restrictions that's not possible...but you need to plan on breaks where you (and your DP/DH) go away...not her.

Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:31

@Shaniac

Sympathies op mn is utterly shit towards step parents. Im not sure what the solution is either as neither of you can exactly escape the house for a day or two. Is your husband supportive of you as well as his dd? Maybe worth asking if you can have some time alone maybe going for walks with him to get some time away from dsd.

Thanks, he is to be fair. It's tricky for him obviously and I do go out for walks but coming home to DSD managing to rise from her pit at 2pm, then slob around in her pyjamas all day, constantly looking to be fed And taking every opportunity to sneer is getting wearing! Can we go on holidays yet?

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Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:36

@SandyY2K

Most kids her age spend a lot of time on their own. Being honest I barely notice my DDs are at home. They're in their bedrooms and surface to get food or whatever else they need.

In fact sometimes I actually have to pop into their rooms to check they're okay because I don't hear a perp from them.

It's really not the age you should have to be stressed with and run around after....or is it just her presence that's the issue?

Because as a parent...the only breaks you get are by going away...which is much needed at times. Unfortunately with the covid restrictions that's not possible...but you need to plan on breaks where you (and your DP/DH) go away...not her.

She does spend a lot of time in her room. I suppose it's the attitude when she does appear that is wearing. It didn't help that we're all working and living in the same space. Wiudk drive anyone crackers. And yes, bring on the holidays! Where shall we go??

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Tiredoftattler · 30/12/2020 23:42

Kids in nuclear families are home full time, and yet their parents have work, manage households, and still have social lives. An 18 year old should not require constant care, attention, or interactions.

Why are you permitting this girls presence in the household to limit or restrict your life? Apart from providing her with shelter and resources, there is probably not anything that you are doing for her that she cannot do for herself. You do not need to cook or clean up after an 18 year old. If you and your partner want an evening or weekend away, pandemic guidelines permitting, you should be free to go away. An 18 year old can be left alone in a house.

It is hard to imagine what she actually stops you from doing. Is your partner feeling that his life is being restricted in the same way?

May be you should step back and let this young woman be more responsible for her own day to day activities assuming you are doing things for her that she is perfectly capable of managing on her own.

Jinglealltheway22 · 30/12/2020 23:52

OP I understand that all three of you on top of each other is difficult.

It's difficult for those parents who are still together and have joint responsibility for the children.

2020 is nearly over and by Easter things should be on their way to normal.

Hang on in there, it will get better x

Original poster

edie25 · 30/12/2020 23:55

@Jinglealltheway22

OP I understand that all three of you on top of each other is difficult.

It's difficult for those parents who are still together and have joint responsibility for the children.

2020 is nearly over and by Easter things should be on their way to normal.

Hang on in there, it will get better x

Thank you this is exactly what I needed to hear (needy? Moi?) x

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livefornaps · 31/12/2020 00:28

Oh for god's sake she's a teenager so if she's not out of her "pit" before 2pm just chill the fuck out and enjoy the space and peace. "Constantly looking to get fed" : who made you the food police?! Leave her to it. Teenagers like their sleep and their snacks. Unclench.

Original poster

edie25 · 31/12/2020 00:38

@livefornaps

Oh for god's sake she's a teenager so if she's not out of her "pit" before 2pm just chill the fuck out and enjoy the space and peace. "Constantly looking to get fed" : who made you the food police?! Leave her to it. Teenagers like their sleep and their snacks. Unclench.

I don't think I'm the one with the clenched attitude honey. Feeling a bit triggered are we?

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Leobynature · 31/12/2020 00:38

You talk as if she needs babysitting. Go out with your DH and leave her at home. Once she is 18 I would also leave her overnight. She is not a child

Original poster

edie25 · 31/12/2020 00:43

@Leobynature

You talk as if she needs babysitting. Go out with your DH and leave her at home. Once she is 18 I would also leave her overnight. She is not a child

I haven't once said that we need to be in and supervising all the time. We have been in lockdown most of this year and I have said that is in part what is causing it. We do leave her at home and she is easily old enough for that. Not sure where your comment is coming from.

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