I've had enough

[edie25]

Just come on to vent really. DSD has been living with us for newrly 2 years and will be 18 soon. Relationship with her mother is difficult to say the least. Despite being in a relationship, she is borderline obsessed with our home life and the slightest sniff that seeing her daughter will benefit or be convenient to us and she deliberately scuppers it, cancels plans at the last minute or picks a fight.

The upshot is that DSD is here ALL THE TIME. We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall. DSD adores her father and can be competitive for his attention. It's absolutely exhausting. I'm starting to really resent her being here and with her getting older comes a boat load of eye rolling, definance and general attitude.

The situation for DSD isnt great obviously. Pandem ic, only able to see friends sporadically and her mother is being an idiot. I have been sympathetic and supportive but I need a break from this child who isn't mine. I'm worried if we don't have a break, that the damage will be permanent. Help!

You sound jealous of your step daughter, you need to stop

My comment is coming from the fact you said ‘We have no break and our relationship is going to the wall’.
I and others have pointed out that although the situation is fraught (3 adults being around each other 24/7 and the teenage hormones and attitude) you don’t need to parent or babysitter her. You don’t need to cook, clean up or supervisor her. She is 18! You are free to do what you like therefore you can take a break at anytime . The expectation that her mother takes her occasionally, although this is only right it is not justified in relation to you having a break as she is not a child. It’s bizarre. If you don’t like her attitude then speak to her about it and put some boundaries in place, you should not tolerate rudeness, especially in your own home.

She is just being a teenager.

When DH’s stepdad married DH’s mum he had to accept there were 2 teenagers living in the house, who might have the odd Sunday afternoon with their dad. If you marry someone with children you do have to accept that they are a permanent feature in your partner’s life.

Sometimes children from divorced parents decide to change which parent they want to live with, that is a risk you take surely.

Sweet Jesus - here we go again with the sanctimonious man with kids/precious sc/parental sacrifice shite again!
@edie25 - my 3 have been with me for all of Christmas. They are 15, 18 & 24. The 24 year old's gf has also been with us. They are my children & I love them dearly but by god did I like sending them off to their dad's this evening as I needed the break and felt like I was going mad with them all in the house!
They have done nothing but eat & sleep & while yes, they can cater for themselves but if I want my house - which is also my work space - the way I want it then the finessing of the housework falls to me & I have been cooking & cleaning for days on end.
You have my utmost sympathy as having teens/ya home all the time & unable to socialise is head-wrecking & if my lot hasn't gone to their dad's tonight I'd have blown a gasket!
Why won't she go to her dm's? Is there any chance of that changing?

But couples who have kids who may still be together are in same predicament, many men take on children where father is not involved so have them 24/7 , always a chance that could happen
The issue is she is 18 so should be doing more for herself and to help you around the house
If she doesn't want to go to her dm thats her choice as well
But its obviously all worse at the moment as no one can go anywhere
If you were able to go out witg your dh for a meal or have a weekend away it would be easier and hopefully you will be able to do that soon and your sd will start going out again soon too ( then you will be lying awake wondering where she is )

She’s nearly 18, hopefully about to fly the nest and adult, if she’s not ready yet she needs to start practicing. Honestly I’d just be leaving her to it. If she’s sleeping until 2pm and looking for something to eat - not your problem.

Why can’t you and your DP:
*. Go out for dinner without her every week or two? She can make her own dinner, even if it’s just a sandwich.

*. Go away for a night or two without her once a month or so?
*. Go to the movies, theatre, shows etc without her once a month or so?
*. Spend a day on the weekends without her, going on walks, to parks or beaches or whatever it is you like doing wherever you live.

Obviously depending where you live in the world some of this may not be possible with Covid but my DP and I have between us (blended family) five kids aged 15 to 20 and we do all that. We also do some stuff with some of the kids too, particularly the youngest, but all five also have school/study, jobs and social lives and as part of being independent young adults they also do their own thing. Even my 15 year old (who lives with me 90% of the time) just arranges directly with his dad if he’s doing something with his dad that day or staying the night, his dad and I do have an amicable relationship but I probably only touch base with his dad every other month as I don’t need to be in contact.

Also, covid has really changed the world. As a whole I imagine most people are more stressed, irritable, bored, angry, upset, afraid etc than they would have been in a pre covid world. We are, and where I am in Australia covid impacts are NOTHING like what’s happening in Europe/UK and we have all felt those emotions to varying degrees since February and still do. It’s really shit what’s happening in those countries and it makes everything that you may normally deal with easily, now impossibly hard.

I admit OP I read your post and had a little chuckle . I knew the MN militants would have you! Bad bad SM! How dare you want your own space. Selfish woman! You knew he had kids when you met him . Anyway, it would annoy me too, it’s not same as your own, it’s defo worse, you do need to chill. Oh and ignore the militants, they know nothing. They live in a Julia Roberts film.

You're getting a rough ride here for no good reason. Of course you want a break from a 'child' who is not yours. Is she not at college/uni? Does she work? And does she pull her weight with the housework etc?

These are all things your husband should be encouraging her to do. I would be pissed off at any teen slobbing round the house all day and not pulling their weight.

I don't know what the answer is apart from maybe encouraging her to try and improve her relationship with her mum so that she sees her more. I would also (post covid) be booking weekends away/holidays/nights out to get some alone time with your husband. But I suspect the current situation is just making everything worse if you're all stuck in the house 24/7. You have my sympathies.

How many step dads take on children full-time due to absent biological dads? Parents who are still together don't get to ship their children off somewhere EOW. Why should it be different for step mums?

FFs. The sanctimonious brigade are out in full force again on this board.
OP, the pandemic has us all on edge, pressure cooker circumstances. My children (not this old) have driven me nuts. The anti sm brigade posting that ‘she is 18 years old etc etc’ are just not recognising that most parents are finding their older children annoying.

Like magda, whilst I’ve enjoyed Christmas with my lot, The fridge is raided non stop. The kitchen (whilst cleaned up behind themselves) is not cleaned to my levels. Toilet rolls only get replenished by me. About to put the vacuum about again. As a parent I can make them do chores and help and they do. If they’re irritating me, I tell them so and ask they go somewhere else and let me watch tv in peace.

OP, my advice is ride this out as best as possible. Pandemic has everyone under pressure. Then review / address.

If I was stuck with children / a child that was not my own during this time? I’d have hated it. (And I’m not jealous of anyone else’s child).

I like a break from my own child...

OP, do ignore some of the comments here she's not 2. She's 18 for goodness sake. Let her learn to fend for herself - you aren't her maid! Don't let her control your life or what you do. She should be encouraged by your OH to pull her weight (again she's 18!). I also think @sassbott suggestion to invite her to go elsewhere if annoying is an excellent one, people need to learn to give each other space and she is more than old enough to learn that. She's also old enough to understand you and your partner might like some 'us' time.

This pandemic has been vile for everyone, forcing people to spend a whole pile more time together than they would have. It's been really hard.

Surely though this should be viewed as a parenting thing rather than a step mum thing. DH and I are very much together and have a teenager in the house. We have been very lucky that we have got on during lockdown and WFH, but we respect each other’s space. If we had struggled we would have had to find a solution, which wouldn’t have involved trying to find somewhere else for DC to live (under 18)

If a stepdad came on here and said I am fed up with the step kids and want them to go and live with their dad so I can have space with their mum he would probably get short thrift

@ineedaholidaynow actually no a step father posting this would get the exact same response. People need personal space. End of. Step child/ child/ niece/ nephew - not wanting someone there ALL the time is entirely natural.

The pandemic has exacerbated where a lot of households are. And so everyone needs to be more cognisant of everyone’s needs in a household. If my preteen/ early teen children can understand that concept, why can’t an 18 year old? Fgs.

The OP appeared to be fine when the DS was there only weekends, she seems to resent her living full-time and would rather she stayed with her mum more regularly.

Where do I send my teenager when I want some me/couple time, he lives with us. Do I have to find a willing relative to have him EOW? We find a way round it in the household, that is what the OP should be doing. Therefore, it is a household thing. if her and her DH had had a child together and she was resenting them being around all the time should be asking the DH's ex to have them too?

She does spend a lot of time in her room. I suppose it's the attitude when she does appear that is wearing. It didn't help that we're all working and living in the same space. Wiudk drive anyone crackers. And yes, bring on the holidays! Where shall we go??

My DD18 has just surfaced 5 minutes ago.

I think the whole covid is stressful for everyone tbh. My DDs can't see their friends...and I can imagine your SD is feeling the same.

Some kids show their frustrations/boredom a lot more.

Perhaps she actually thinks it's okay for you as you have her dad...your DP.

The restrictions are just crap.

The restrictions are just crap.
To clarify...I know they're necessary...but it's so limiting and impacts on mental health and wellbeing.

You have my sympathy!! Lockdown makes this very vexing!

Is the eyerolling defiance and attitude addressed just to you, or to you and your partner. Do you put up with bad behaviour but cant say anything as she is not your child.

Maybe think of a nuetral phrase and have it ready to use with a very soft voice, ,such as
"That glass is going to get kicked over if you leave it on the floor."

Think about how you would manage a person at work - someone you cannot fire!!

Try and work out exactly what she does that is so irritating? and how you would react to a normal person doing this.

Having a plan may help diffuse some of your feelings.

@ineedaholidaynow, and why shouldn’t the Op feel that way? Is it some mortal sin?
If you have nowhere to send your teenager, that’s your problem. Suck it up. Stop projecting the fact that you have to put up with yours onto other people.

Are you one of the posters who keeps baiting on the step mum board? I need to start keeping track of who keeps being deeply unhelpful on these boards and repeatedly report the repeat offenders

*step parenting board. Apologies

I am loving having my 18 year old at home, and miss my 16 year old who is staying at his dads for a couple of weeks now. My partner who lives with me has no problem with them being here.
But that’s because they don’t sneer, or require me to feed them at all, or cause me any issues. And if they did act in such a way that I disliked being around them rather than relished it, I, as their mother, would step in and help them to sort whatever underlying issues were causing them to be a jerk. I imagine much of your frustration is because you don’t have the right to do this- you just have to put up with her behaviour as you aren’t her parent and so don’t feel you can tell her off.

At 18 she is almost an adult and it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to behave civilly and respectfully to you in your home. You need to have words with your dh and make him call her out on behaviour (in a “what’s wrong for you to be so angry” way rather than an accusatory manner)

On a practical point - teenagers eat a lot. That shouldn’t need to involve you. Sit down with her when you are meal planning and involve her in the process, getting plenty of stuff she can make herself if she wants to eat outside of the meals you or he are preparing, and crucially making it clear she has to clear up after herself. I write the evening meals I am making on the kitchen blackboard (dp hates cooking so does the washing up) and outside of that everyone fends for themselves

@sassbott who makes you the board police? I think this is the first time I have posted on this board, but why is it ok for a someone to say they don't want their step child in their house. It wouldn't be ok for me to say I don't want my child in my house and they needed to go and live somewhere else, for normal teenage behaviour. That would be my problem and I would need to sort my feelings out not send the child away.

I can understand it is hard living on top of each, we all have that at the moment, but the solution is not to resent a child living with their parent.

Why is not ok for someone to say it? Who are you? The parent police?

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@sassbott who makes you the board police? I think this is the first time I have posted on this board, but why is it ok for a someone to say they don't want their step child in their house. It wouldn't be ok for me to say I don't want my child in my house and they needed to go and live somewhere else, for normal teenage behaviour. That would be my problem and I would need to sort my feelings out not send the child away.

I can understand it is hard living on top of each, we all have that at the moment, but the solution is not to resent a child living with their parent.[/quote]
You clearly don't have stepkids. Different ball game entirely to having your own kids in the house.