@unspeakably - again I would agree but I feel like it would be a bit of a piss take to have me left to creating "christmas" for our joint dc, and lave him completely with his own. I feel all aspects would get lost in that agreement. Although I get the concept and agree in principle. I just never wanted it to become an "us" ",them" dynamic.
@bogoffmda - I would usually agree. But again, I've seen the texts from the ex. For a while we were civil and I never would have considered her a part to play in this. Until she explicitly either a) told my husband to call her for them on nights she would then respond with saying she was working on with no prior warning or b) the nastiness that would come out in them.
I am by no means an "ex is wrong, dh is right" person. I have stuck up for her many a times when dh has seen wrong where it wasn't due. As a whole I think she is a brilliant mother and very in tune with her kids. No faults there. Her faults lie when she forgets dh has four rather than just two to consider, and she does (as expressed by herself in texts) enjoy the hell that can be created this end even when she wouldn't allow it on her end.
This isn't an ex bashing thread. Nor am I "bashing" the ex, but I do think for the childrens well being long term it could have been handled better despite how she may enjoy the silent f you to dh.
Cos regardless of how you feel about a person, basic manners shouldn't be something that should be ignored.
@milkshake7489 this is exactly what ended up causing issues between me and exwife. Cos I refused to bow.
We got along brilliantly, she admitted herself it is clear i love and care for sc. Which is true.
Until I called her out on the fact certain things like the TV, or refusing to engage with their younger siblings out of spite for their dad wasn't acceptable. After she had already admitted she wouldn't allow it on her end.
Nor did she like me being annoyed her boyfriend had threatened to come to our house and essentially cause a massive thing on our drive, cos things weren't going their way. Apparently it would be wrong (which of course it would be) if dh done that there, cos the kids. But perfectly fine to put mine in that position.
Dh has his wrongs. I can see why he would piss her off at times, he does me! There's no loyalty bonds in that area at all that make me clouded to how things could be seen from either side.
But believe me when I have seen every text. He asks for the most basic of things and gets nothing but abuse back. He stands up for himself and unless it revolves around the sc being priority- he is the world's worst human. Even when its a safety issue or equal to our dc.
All things in nicer times, we would talk about together and agree upon that all must be equal, to the best of any blended family can achieve.
There is no question in my mind in general she is an amazing mum. Same as, at least what she has told me there is no question in her mind I am a loving step mum.
The problems become when the blended aspect exists. The having to think of more beyond your own. Which I know is hard, I struggle at times. It is so hard to switch that natural "they are my babies they are the most important thing in the wolrd" off.
But unfortunately, if you have kids thar go on to be part of a blended family, or have children in a blended family - that switch does need to be turned off. So all children have the best they possibly can. Because encouraging that divide just hurts your own.
End of the day every single child never asked to be in this situation. So as adults we need to swallow pride and some part of natural protection for our own. So we actually do protect our own and the scs/half's.
It is incredibly hard to have a home, with children you had, nd children you love despite not having them. Trying to make it work while someone gains joys out of the difficulties. When if it was anyone beyond an exhusband facing it, it would be addressed. As that is what we do as parents, we see bad behaviour and we correct it.
My dcs have no leniency in that regard even if I'm not someone's biggest fan. If they get a gift, or something similar. I always bite my tongue - record a cute opening video and a reminder (eldest is only 2 and a half) to say thank you. Dc does. Sent. Over with.
Even if in my head all I can think of is "I don't like you". I do it. Cos I want my little ones to understand if someone gets you something, you show gratitude.
As an update - dh text eldest to wish her a happy new years. She explained she had just been so busy. He reminded her a text takes two seconds. I then got a text as well saying thank you.
At this point it feels too much of the same. Chase. Ignore. Chase. Ignore. Once she starts to realise a nice message comes through.
I appreciate it. Glad she done it. But it feels like it has little meaning at this stage. All the excuses were nothing excuses, as dh pointed out, it would have taken two minutes.
But then at this point I'm not sure if I'm just a bit miserable in general with the shitty year. I hold nothing against her. She is a child. If I held something against a child that annoyed me I'd have no family, or my own children left :,)