I do think and can see why the children would struggle here at times. With two under 3 the house is quite crazy at times. Especially with only one TV in the house and everyone trying to divide everything.
Going from multiple tvs and one of two, to suddenly being one of four and one tv so having to share their main thing - console time. Is hard for them. Even though dh does one on one time with them. (He works eow and late nights, so a window does need to be allowed for our two too)
Especially when they have such a fierce loyalty to their mum. Even their mum said they get nervous mentioning they had fun here/their younger siblings to her. As though its somehow letting her down.
For any child a split home is confusing. Let alone reaching puberty. While also knowing that mum and dad don't get on?
They are so incredibly bright as well, which is amazing in general but also makes them very bright in working the "separated parents angle" . Which makes it even more vital we work as a team on this stuff in my opinion.
As exw admitted that once she asked for xyz punishment to carry through our weekend, behaviour improved on her side. Cos they knew they couldn't play up, come here and it never happened for example.
Now the same is happening on the other side, its a non-issue. But its also that much harder to manage and control and more importantly, resolve. When it is as sporadic as it is.
I don't expect exw to parent for dh. Just to make sure he has that ability to parent while not physically present.
Cos as I've said to dh for years, even with our own two. Children need a dad. Not a friend.
I hate having to "tell off" my dd. She does the eyes. The tantrums. The cutesy thing to wiggle around it. Anything to avoid actually having to deal with whatever punishment was needed (nothing harsh I swear!) .
And some days, it would be easier for me to ignore if she was playing up. Like today, absolute hellspawn I'm sure was swapped over night.
But if its not dealt with in the now and then, it gets worse and behaviours exhibit that "i know how to get out of this one" .
As it stands for now, sdc know they can play up and nothing is enforced once back at mums. And if dh chases it, they can blank it. Then suddenly message and all id meant to be okay again. Or at least forgotten about.
I feel it sets a precedent for our future as a family and their roles in it.
I believe children should always be heard, thought of, considered and the adults decision should reflect all of that. But ultimately the parent should have the final say, not the child (as long as they truly believe it is in their childs best interests)
If my dd or my ds acted in any of these ways to me (or worse from history with sdc) they would get a lot more than a "thats not nice, but let's forget it" response.
Not cruel. I can't stress that enough. But consequences for behaviour is a massive thing. Act ungrateful? Lose what you weren't grateful for. Lie? Explain how serious those lies are and to what extent that damage could do to either us or themselves as not believed the next time etc.
Again these are all things in better times me and exwife especially agree on, and she does instal it in general. Its just when it gets to dh suddenly it seems like a point scoring contest and all thays left is two kids very confused over where boundaries lay.
I can also see why exw may have some underlining issues with dealing with dh. When we first met i had to tell him off a fair bit for being unreasonable, not nastily so - but always assuming the worst in a message or something she had said. That when looking at the bigger picture was understandable. Even if not worded in the most diplomatic way. But then im not diplomatic with him either when he's really pushed the limits 🤣