Adult step children and Xmas

[Sundaypolodog]

Does Xmas make it harder for you as a step parent with adult step children??

I've been with my DH for about 17 years. He was widowed 24 years ago. He has 3 adult children who all have their own family's. We married about 15 years ago, doing our best to include and involve them and the grandchildren. I am their step mother although they don't live with us and wouldn't call me this. More like dads partner or my name.

Most of the time they are friendly and polite. There were issues in the early days when they were hostile and ignoring me and I knew I was talked about and unfavourably compared to their mother, because I've been told about it. Much of this has improved as they've got to know me and realise I'm not trying to take on the role of their mother - in fact as I've often said to them that if we'd known each we would probably have been friends I see my role with my step children as one of being not a mother substitute more an older friend and support to them, I genuinely do like them.

Xmas brings the inevitable increase in contact and especially since Covid19. I always join in with our zoom chats etc in fact my DH always includes me as he says I'm part of the family and his wife. But a big but is that I can sense their subtle hostility - I feel like I'm not seen as "being me" but as "not their mum" I know it's not about me and it's good for them to catch up and chat to each other as they all live in different countries and don't see each other very often. I come away feeling put down, ignored and "not me"

Today is their mums birthday and they want to do a zoom chat and I know it will be all about her and I'll feel even more like "mrs nobody"

I'm getting myself a bit stressed by this upcoming zoom chat and I'm thinking I'll pretend I've got a phone call to take from my sister or something like that. What do you think?

Does anyone else feel like this and what do you do to cope with these situations?

Yes I can see I need to stop organising the zoom calls - I'm the one who lets my brother know of upcoming family birthdays!! 😀

Foxtrot the ignoring and hostility is better now than it was initially- probably because they know me better and also I did complain to DH in the early days and he must have talked to them. It's insidious though. It's very subtle. I get on with a friend of SD better than I do with her because she accepts me as me. I also spoke to one of their partners in general terms about being a step parent and things improvised

At our wedding we had tried to be sensitive to the step children and one of them ended up having a mini tantrum that fortunately no-one noticed.

I understand about loss as I've lost several family members in recent years and know how all the family traditions etc are threatened by losing people and feeling that you need to hang onto them. I also think that you can adapt to as new shape or kind of family as we see in step or blended families

@Sundaypolodog:
It sounds as though they have adapted to your new family structure, but the need to give their children a sense of the family structure , history and traditions to which they were not privy, can be particularly strong during holiday seasons.

My father's mother died when he was 17, and his father remarried a very warm and kind woman, and yet every holiday season my dad would tell us of the holiday activities and traditions that he and his dad shared with our deceased grandmother. He would mourn the fact that she was not there to see his children and to share those traditions with us. He wanted us to have a strong sense of the parts of our heritage that we missed. My dad was
very fond of his father's wife but that did not diminish his need to keep his mother's memory alive for his children.
My siblings and I now share those stories and memories with my children .

Your experiences with the grandchildren allow you to create memories with and for them. His children need moments alone with their dad to create and celebrate those memories of their nuclear family for themselves and their children. This is not a way to disrespect you; instead it is a way to keep the memory of their mom alive and meaningful for the grandchildren.

Not every action is meant to be hurtful or dismissive. There are just somethings and times in which you had no role or involvement. Surely, you have memories that do not involve them.

Eh - has everyone missed the fact that the dh was widowed 24 years ago, has been married to op for 17 years and ALL the 'kids' are ADULTS with their own families?
This is hardly recent history. Given the passage of time & age of the 'kids' they should all be well beyond subtle hostility while using op to set up zoom calls with their dad!
It's their mum's birthday & of course they want to remember her & they should organise this zoom with the dad who should also place no expectation on op to join in.
Aside from anniversaries such as this they should honestly be mature enough to zoom their dad & his wife of 17 years without people on here telling op to give them space - they're not kids & if any of them need to talk to their dad privately for whatever reason they can pick up the phone.

I think the most important thing to do as a step parent is to carve out a role you are comfortable in and try to avoid being shoehorned into what others thing you should be. Find a way to hand over messaging/organising to DH, stop adhering to his rule of all contact being 'as a couple' and find a level of dipping in and out you are happy with.

I think it's often the DH who causes this kind of issue by trying to force the dynamic to be how he thinks it should be instead of allowing it to develop naturally. You'll probably find the DSC will prefer things your way because it will be more respectful of boundaries all round than your DH's misguided attempts to force unrealistic closeness between you and his DC.

I've been in my DSC's lives for over 20 years and I genuinely love them but I've always had my own boundaries and respect for theirs and I think that shows in our relationship now. There's no resentment or feeling that I ever impeded their relationship with their Dad when they were growing up because I wouldn't allow DH to push me into anything either DC or I weren't comfortable with. I think they respect me for that now they're old enough to understand and they certainly treat me with love and respect so I must have done something right. It's not too late for you to change the dynamic here OP, step back and trust your instincts about your level of involvement, see if things improve.

@Magda72
The ever increasing involvement in genealogy, ancestry.com, etc indicate that for very many people the connection to family beyond recent history is vey important..People invest significant amounts of time and money to research these distant and little know connections and bits of history. They very much want to.know as much about their past as possible and to share this information with other family members. Twenty four years is just a blip on the radar screen of family memories.

They may ask their father's wife to set up the zoom meetings because they think that of the 2 she. Is the more technologically savvy. Zoom meetings have only become a significant household form of communication during this pandemic period. It is unlikely that they have communicated this way for any extensive period of time.

I love my husband and I do not find it at all troubling when his kids discuss their past traditions and memories with him. My kids do the same with me. In both instances , neither of the other parents are deceased. Together we are making memories that will also be a part of their past.

If we are secure in the moment, we have little to fear from the past.

Has your DH made a will? Sorry, but his intentions re: his money/assets will be a factor in how the SDCs view you. If your DH has no will or is leaving all to you then you are never going to be fully accepted by the SDCs.

Some good advice and wise words to ponder on

We did the zoom as the above poster suggested I am the most tech savvy between us so it often comes to me to set up the zoom

During the zoom I went off to make coffee and I'd already discussed with DH that it was their family time to share with his adult children the birthday of their mother and that I didn't want to intrude in that - I then joined into to play a game over zoom for the rest of the time.

@Redburnett yes we have wills and our finances are joint as I put in part of the sale of my house and was earning a fairly decent wage. We've made it clear who benefits and we ensure that family is benefiting now rather than later. I don't have children although I am very close to my niece. The only one who could possibly be awkward where money is concerned is a DIL and we've tied everything up so she can't try anything on.

I think the most important thing to do as a step parent is to carve out a role you are comfortable in and try to avoid being shoehorned into what others thing you should be.

⬆️ This is so important.

@Tiredoftattler I don't feel your point is relevant to my post. The age of the 'kids' & the passage of time should mean that the immediate emotion has been dealt with if all involved are emotionally developed adults.
And - if my parent was a bit technically inefficient I would take the time to sit down with them & teach them how to work zoom - it's not rocket science. I wouldn't just expect their partner to sort it for me.
This is just another example of female partners being expected to do all the 'female' jobs like write cards for their male partner's family, buy gifts for their male partner's family etc. etc. because men/dads are too busy/too inept.
Jesus wept - haven't enough eye rolls tbh.

@Magda72
So you are.suggesting that it is poor judgment or sexist to ask the person in the household who is the more skilled in a certain area to perform a task for which they can always decline.

My brother will often ask my husband's opinion about matters related to cars. He does this not because I am a woman, but because I am a woman with no interest and no knowledge about cars. However when it comes to questions about accounting , he comes to me with questions and for advice. My father is a better cook than my mother. If I want input about specialty food purchase or preparation , I ask my dad. It is not at all sexist or a matter of role assignment; it is just an acknowledgement of existing skill sets.

The desire to pass on information and reminence about past traditions and experiences are things that healthy people do, and it has little to do with not having moved beyond the immediate emotional impact of a loss or tragedy. When family members gather together during holidays, the phrase " do you remember when?" Is probably one of the most frequently used phrases. It is not a sign of stunted emotional development , but more a recognition of how important memories and shared traditions are to our collective history. Oral histories and shared memories are a form of documenting family history and tradition.

In many cultures, people believe that you honor the ancestors by sharing information and traditions.

My siblings and our children all know and revere the memory of our grandmother and great grand mother because of my father's sharing of memories and traditions with us.

The OP is in no way diminished by this. She is creating other memories with the children and grandchildren. These memories too will become a part of the family folklore and tradition.

Life is not stagnant, and keeping the past alive in no way stops the ongoing flow of memories and traditions. One can remember and acknowledged the past and celebrate the present at the same time.
The OP will be much happier by recognizing that her role and contribution may be different but she is also an important part of the tableau that is this family's life.

@Magda72 @Tiredoftattler there's elements I agree with and relate to in both your posts
The two older step children seem to struggle more than the younger SC with the loss of their mum. Having discussed this with a close friend (in confidence) of theirs who's known them for a v long time and shared a house with one of them, I think there's some kind of attachment issues that manifest themselves in a lack of emotional resilience. Both older SC were sent away to boarding school at a very young age 7/8, as their parents were overseas with the forces. No matter how much their parents told them they loved and missed them it must have felt like a massive abandonment to them. The younger SC doesn't seem to have these issues and lived at home with his parents til going to uni

In terms of tasks that fall into gender divisions- used to tear my hair out at my two brother never remembering family dates so that I'd have to remind them - I've done all the things to help them remember - sending them electronic calendars etc and they still don't get it. So I've decided It's what I do and Its not worth getting angry about. DH does all the cooking and washing in the house and I remember to clean the toilet because it would bother me otherwise. I'm much more tech savvy than DH - I sort out tech issues for my cool 😎 nephews phones and gadgets - I like doing it.

I'm hoping that by building up a shared history with my step family we develop a solid unit. I make a point of doing the remember when type sessions with them. Last Xmas one of the SC made a book up of family photos and gave it to his father and siblings as a gift. I was very upset to see that it went up to the point of of their mother's death - over 20 years ago!! It took all my energy not to say anything and stay calm . I realised it's about their need to nail down their history. I put it on the bookshelf a few days later and it's not come out since.

If they are adults and their mum died a long time ago why do they need to speak to their dad on the day? I understand they might want to speak to each other and reminenecse but their dad has moved on? As kids she will always be their mum but she is no longer your dh's wife. It just sounds morbid to me.

I appreciate everyone grieves differently though. I would pop your head around to say hello and then leave them to it. Also they should all be made aware at a more suitable time that your are not a secretary your dh should facilitate his own zoom chats with his kids.

If they are adults and their mum died a long time ago why do they need to speak to their dad on the day? I understand they
might want to speak to each other and reminenecse but their dad has moved on? As kids she will always be their mum but she is no longer your dh's wife.
@Sceptre86 - I sort of thought same but was too wary of being lambasted to say so!
Yes everyone grieves differently but it was their dm's birthday, not her anniversary.

If they are adults and their mum died a long time ago why do they need to speak to their dad on the day?

Because they were a family? "Moved on" is not the same as "forgotten".

@SoupDragon yes - but that can also be said of divorced families.
I believe there's a way of remembering what was (no matter what the circumstances of the family 'break up') that is healthy & respectful to those who may come along later. I'm not sure what's going on here after 24 years & 17 years of a new marriage is healthy.

In the United States we celebrate the Birthday's of both Lincoln and Washington. Both of those births occurred a couple of hundred years ago and the birthday of most Presidents are neither acknowledged nor celebrated. No one would suggest that the failure to recognize the birthdays of the other Presidents is in any way disrespectful to them.
Some events simply have a lasting impact on our lives.

Acknowledging and sharing the birthday among father and children makes no statement about the value or status about the father's current marriage or any feelings about the OP.

If the father suffered the loss of a child, no one would suggest that there should be a statue of limitation on his grief or memories. If a parent has another child after the loss of a child, no one would suggest that his pain at the loss of the one child is in anyway diminished because he had the next child.

The dad remarried after what was likely a painful loss. He did not get a replacement wife. His love and memory of of the first in no way diminishes or marginalizes his feelings for the OP.

He loved one and now he loves the other. He remembers one and is continually making new memories with the other.

It is a sad state of affairs when someone attempts to place a statue of limitation or use by date on normal feelings that do no harm to anyone.

Whose life is really damaged or harmed by the celebration of a loss life or the sharing of happy memories???

@Tiredoftattler you cannot compare the two - really you can't.
There's a very significant psychological process called Closure. Closure does not mean forgetting - it means the dealing with the end of a chapter in one's life, & humans do not move on psychologically unless they have healthy Closure. And, when humans cannot move on it makes life very difficult & yes, hurtful, for those who are trying to move on successfully.

@Magda72
Closure does not mean forgetting nor does it mean forgoing or celebrating memories. These people have made the normal and progressive steps of getting on with their lives. They set aside a limited period of time to share and recall. To suggest that they are emotionally stunted because once or twice a year they choose to recall and celebrate the life of someone that they loved is a certain type of cruelty and selfishness.

No one has to conform or modify the memorial or sharing process to meet the needs or expectations of others. The husband has found love again and is sharing his life with another. His children have moved on and established lives of their own, To take 2 days out a year to remember and celebrate the life of someone that you loved is hardly failing to have closure. How often do you think about those that you have loved and lost? I would imagine that at least once or twice a year you give some thought and maybe even have a conversation about them, and who is hurt by those actions?

I was in this exact situation except I was adult child. I never ever got time with just my dad. My dad’s wife was like the gate keeper. I’m sure you are not like this but I don’t think you should be on a zoom call for their mother’s birthday.

@Sceptre86

If they are adults and their mum died a long time ago why do they need to speak to their dad on the day? I understand they might want to speak to each other and reminenecse but their dad has moved on? As kids she will always be their mum but she is no longer your dh's wife. It just sounds morbid to me.

I appreciate everyone grieves differently though. I would pop your head around to say hello and then leave them to it. Also they should all be made aware at a more suitable time that your are not a secretary your dh should facilitate his own zoom chats with his kids.

My mother died many years ago. I still want to talk to my dad about her. It is part of my history. I’m sure if both of your parents are still alive you still talk about the past, when you were growing up etc. When you meet up. I find it very very sad that people really think I shouldn’t mention my mother ever again.

@Coffeeandcocopops - I still talk about my exh with my kids - he's their dad & we were a family once with shared memories - but when I was with my exdp it was not done in such a way as to make him feel excluded or uncomfortable.
Of course we should all remember & acknowledge those we've loved and lost in whatever capacity - but there's a way of doing this while being sensitive to those in our lives who may find it awkward.

Reading through your posts I actually think you have been treated unfairly by the step children.
My Dad died and I wouldn't treat my mum's new husband the way they have treated you.
That book in particular is thoughtless especially as you have been together such a long time it was mean to leave you out.
I wouldn't treat my mum's husband like that.
They sound very uncaring.
Absolutely they can and should talk of their mother as I do of my Dad when my Mum's DH is there but the difference is I am kind and respectful to him he knows I like him and I think he's great for my Mum and he is kind and respectful back.
I also wouldn't care if he was on a zoom call, when I was talking about my Dad, they are two separate people and talking about my Dad doesn't mean that my Mum's husband shouldn't exist.

@Flowerpot345 - great post & spot on.

How old are these children?
I guess the problem you have is their mother will always be prefect as she's not here to make mistakes.

Sorry I only just noticed that there's more replies

@Flowerpot345 thank you - I often feel this. I try to rise above it and maintain some dignity because ultimately I know it's not about me.

@ArnoldBee they're in their late 40s early 50s. Yes she is the perfect mother in their eyes. I thought so too once and was quite daunted by it - but now I tell myself that I'm here and she's not.