Adult step children and Xmas

[Sundaypolodog]

Does Xmas make it harder for you as a step parent with adult step children??

I've been with my DH for about 17 years. He was widowed 24 years ago. He has 3 adult children who all have their own family's. We married about 15 years ago, doing our best to include and involve them and the grandchildren. I am their step mother although they don't live with us and wouldn't call me this. More like dads partner or my name.

Most of the time they are friendly and polite. There were issues in the early days when they were hostile and ignoring me and I knew I was talked about and unfavourably compared to their mother, because I've been told about it. Much of this has improved as they've got to know me and realise I'm not trying to take on the role of their mother - in fact as I've often said to them that if we'd known each we would probably have been friends I see my role with my step children as one of being not a mother substitute more an older friend and support to them, I genuinely do like them.

Xmas brings the inevitable increase in contact and especially since Covid19. I always join in with our zoom chats etc in fact my DH always includes me as he says I'm part of the family and his wife. But a big but is that I can sense their subtle hostility - I feel like I'm not seen as "being me" but as "not their mum" I know it's not about me and it's good for them to catch up and chat to each other as they all live in different countries and don't see each other very often. I come away feeling put down, ignored and "not me"

Today is their mums birthday and they want to do a zoom chat and I know it will be all about her and I'll feel even more like "mrs nobody"

I'm getting myself a bit stressed by this upcoming zoom chat and I'm thinking I'll pretend I've got a phone call to take from my sister or something like that. What do you think?

Does anyone else feel like this and what do you do to cope with these situations?

I wouldn't join in on a chat when it's their mum's birthday. Give them some space there.

Apart from that, are they feeling free to include their own partners, but don't think their dad has the right to include his?

’in fact my DH always includes me’
’it's good for them to catch up and chat to each other as they all live in different countries and don't see each other very often’

I think you might have a DH problem. For some of those calls it might be nice for them to have some time with just their dad. Yes, you’re his wife, but that shouldn’t mean they can only see you as a unit. It sounds like he’s gotten stuck in defensive mode from those ‘early days.’

The zoom chat has been arranged because it’s their mother’s birthday. You don’t want to be there hearing about their mother. They would probably rather have their father to themselves for that call to talk about their memories. Your DH is the one who needs to realise that you have your place in the family now and forcing you into every situation will only breed resentment when there’s no need for it.

I know it's not the same as we didn't get to have children together, but I spent an hour chatting to my first husband's mum today. DH said hi and left us to it. He was part of us, we talked about him, cried a little and DH gave me a hug after.

Give your husband and his children the chance to do the same. It doesn't change how much your DH loves you, even if it feels difficult.

Today is their mums birthday and they want to do a zoom chat and I know it will be all about her

Read this back to yourself... of course it is all about her!

You don't have to be a part of everything especially when it is absolutely something that doesn't concern you.

I agree about letting them chat without me and that it's not about me. But they text me not their dad with the times for zoom meetings etc

Their partners dip in and out of the chats - I think I will try to dip in and out more myself

Its their mums birthday. Obviously you dont sit front and centre in that one, and obviously it would be all about her.

It doesnt sound like they dont want to include you, or think of you as 'not their mum' but it does sound like they probably want some time to chat with their dad alone. Id more dip in an out of zooms. Your cooking or something and that enables you to be part of the call but also dip out and give them some space when the potatos need doing or whatever.

This sounds more about your feelings than their actions, zoom calls are not a natural way of socialising. You cant pick up the cues you normally would and its easy to get forgotten about.

The joys of wife work!

Families are always tricky. I spent years trying to ensure that my MIL got one-on-one time with my ex (which she preferred) without offending her because once we were married she believed all visits should be made As A Couple. I spent so many afternoons sitting on an arse prodding sofa with a tiny cup of tea watching the clock during visits no one actually enjoyed!

So they text you as your DH's wife to organise him, but they actually want to talk to him. He needs to step up and make sure he answers their texts! Could you set up a group whatsapp for organising the times and links to these chats?

My dad's partner pops her head round on our family chats. My DH pops in and out. I wouldn't expect DH or her to organise a chat for me and my dad. Why does your DH expect you to tell him when to call his children?

@Santaisreel thank you for your kind and considered response.

[quote Sundaypolodog]@Santaisreel thank you for your kind and considered response. [/quote]

Sometimes you need it plain.

The kids need one on one time with their dad. Anniversaries are so hard, everyone needs a safe space in which speak. You will feel ignored and put down here as their space is not yours to be in. It's inappropriate and you need to speak with your DH about what calls are and are not appropriate for you to organise.

For other calls, as an adult child of a widower, no matter the length of time it's hard! While I make efforts with my parent' partner, I also want to sometimes just speak to my parent. This isn't anything against their partner. At the end of the day I want my parent to be happy but in all honestly while I like their partner they also don't need to be heavily involved in my life. Again, you are your DH need to chat about what is/isn't appropriate.

This is kind of like my zoom call with my cousins in USA. Their DHs were there for a bit of the call - as was mine - but the call was mainly for us to catch up and it would have been a bit artificial if the DHs had been there for all of it.
I think you need to suggest to your DH that for these calls you'll be there at the start , but leave after 5 minutes or so to let them catch up properly.

Op if they text you with the times then I think you need to just tell DH they've text you and get him to organise the times. I can see why it's awkward to be expected to arrange it all and then feel resented for your presence as if you're some kind of PA for them.

Some good advice and it's good to hear other people views who may be in similar situations - I certainly need to have a good think about it. Like someone said zoom type calls are very different to face to face meet ups and I would normally dip in and out of these, leaving them to chat among themselves. Often I end up chatting to the partners instead.

I think dipping in and out is a good idea; you look involved and friendly, but you can leave them to have a bit of space as well.

Their partners dip in and out of the chats - I think I will try to dip in and out more myself

I think that is exactly the way to do it. Say hi at the start and then have something to do elsewhere for a while.

If you feel they are rude and don't include you when they should stop being their secretary.. Let dh organise his own dc and chats...

Reading your updates, it isn't however fair that you are expected to be your DHs social secretary for these calls. Why do they text you rather than their DF about the call ?

Anniversaries are hard OP so it’s understandable that today will mainly be focused on their mum - and that’s ok. It’s as it should be.

What isn’t ok is that at other times you feel that they are hostile towards you and you feel ignored and put down. Even as adults their father should have a grip on this. So often on this board we see stepmothers being made to feel / treated like second class citizens whilst the dads carry on regardless and that’s not ok.

I think next time they message you to arrange a call just politely reply that you are out and aren’t sure what their Dad’s plans are so suggest they message him to arrange. Then do it again, and again if need be.

Maybe on a future calls just stick your head round the corner and say a quick hello and then leave them to it. Take yourself away from the situation if it stresses you.

Oh and @Santaisreel if you can’t comment on a thread without reverting to swearing then I suggest it’s you that needs to give your head a wobble dear.
There are many of us on the step-parenting board who are sick of people commenting on here and being abusive.

One; your DH should organise the zoom calls, not you. Wtf!

Two; I wouldn't come on the Zoom call at all today. Just ask DH to say you send your love and are thinking of them today.

Three. I think it's nice your DH makes such an effort to include you generally, but do you really want to be on every Zoom call? I know I wouldn't. Create a bit of distance between you and them.

Oh and @Santaisreel if you can’t comment on a thread without reverting to swearing then I suggest it’s you that needs to give your head a wobble dear.
There are many of us on the step-parenting board who are sick of people commenting on here and being abusive.

'Oh for fucks sake' hardly constitutes abuse. Give your own head a wobble for that.

Perhaps what you experience is the holiday calls reminding them that their own mother mother is not there to celebrate these occasions with their children . No matter how much they may like you, they cannot discuss holiday experiences and traditions shared with their mom as long as you are on the call. These may be memories that they would like to share with their kids, siblings and dad together. The lack of time to do that may be a painful reminder of what they lost and what the grandchildren will never know.

This is not a negative response to you, but a normal part of family reminiscent behavior. They share their children and dad with you, but they also need some time to collectively share memories of the time when you were not a part of their lives. They need holiday time to share mom memories ; this is how their children will get to know about their deceased grandmother.

Holiday times can be bittersweet. It is the time that we celebrate our loved ones that are with us, but also the time when we miss particularly those that are not with us.