Does anyone discipline their step children?

[Yellowtowels]

I spent a lot of time with my step children this year. Both their parents are key workers and I am on furlough. My own dc are the same ages (all 9-5).
I’m not sure how to handle when they do/don’t keep with the house rules. For instance I would stop internet access or put my own dc in their rooms for time out or take something off them/out of their rooms for bad behavior.

So can I do the same with my sc? Their dad works long hours and I’m often at home with them 12 hours a day, we have them basically full time and eow off.

The problem is, I get off my sc “you’re not my mum and can’t tell me what to do”
Then off my children “you didn’t tell off x for doing that because you love them more”
I feel like screaming its my house, my rules and you’re all being twats, but obviously I can’t do that. I’m at home with my own children anyway so makes seems the most logical way for me to also have his, I also would never say it’s ok for x and x to stay home but x and x need to go to child care. My dp has said we should just pay for childcare but they don’t enjoy it and I feel that puts a divide between them, plus I’m expecting our first baby in March and so hoping to bring it all together instead of dividing.
We generally all get on fine, just been 2 times I think I may of been a bit hard on sc seeing as they are not my own and they got very upset (they are not used to being told off as both parents work long hours).

No I don't discipline mine, and they live with me 50% of the week. If there's an issue, I let their dad deal with it. If he's not there, he'll deal with it when he gets home. It's not my position to discipline someone else's children - he doesn't discipline mine.

@tisonlymeagain I think that sounds the best way, just doesn't seem fair on my dc that say they have their iPad taken away for the evening for fighting with sc and sc don’t have a punishment until 9pm when my dp comes home.

How do I deal with that?

I tend to leave DP to it when it comes to discipling his son, but over lockdown we've had the weird situation of DSS being at home due to home learning, while DP was at work as usual as he's a key worker. So regarding home learning and stopping him just spending all day playing games or lying in - I've had to to step up and get involved, as his dad just can't do it if he's not here, and leaving it until he gets home from work is too late.

It's been hugely stressful, and I've heard the phrase 'you're not my mum' more times that I can even count.

With the 'your not my mum' statements, they get sanctions at school so it's the same thing, there are rules and they need following. Perhaps write up a set of rules as a family and the consequences next to them for everyone to see, don't make it a long list, think about the children's most undesirable behaviours and nip those in the bud first. Keeps it transparent and so that everyone is treated the same.
If they are fighting and refuse to hand over their devices turn off the WiFi and remove their chargers, batteries only last for so long. WiFi and chargers have to be earnt.

[quote Yellowtowels]@tisonlymeagain I think that sounds the best way, just doesn't seem fair on my dc that say they have their iPad taken away for the evening for fighting with sc and sc don’t have a punishment until 9pm when my dp comes home.

How do I deal with that?[/quote]
In that situation I'd either take iPads off all children, or all children can wait for DP to get home for you agree on a punishment.

@Yellowtowels Mine are a bit older so I think it's probably easier for me - they do see me tolerate more than they know they would get away with but they seem to grasp the situation, and I've explained it to them that they will be dealt with by their dad.

You are looking after them, your rules apply. That’s how my partner dealt with any situation, whoever was looking after the children did the discipline.

Why is he suggesting putting them in childcare? Does he back you up when you have to discipline them, how does he deal with the back chat and “you’re not my mum”? My DSC haven’t ever said that to me but if they did I expect I’d say “no I’m not but I am the adult here right now and I’ve asked you to do xyz so that’s what’s happening”. Though obviously easier to say in abstract. DH has always backed me up and when I’ve had them on my own he’s told them that I’m going to be in charge while he’s out and he expects to hear they’ve listened well and been nice to each other and me. I’ve mostly had one or other on my own so he can have time with them separately and they know if they kick off it won’t happen again so they’ll be the ones missing out of dad alone time. I’ve never had them for 12 hour days while he’s working and would only do so if I could trust them to behave. If I couldn’t I’d refuse and if you decide you have to it’ll be because of their behaviour not your inability to be kind or fair or whatever. They have two parents who are responsible for their care and DH is suggesting they go to paid childcare which is a valid decision from their resident parent so don’t feel bad about agreeing.

What’s the plan when you’re on maternity leave with a small baby taking up most of your energy? What if they end up having to be home doing homeschooling for a stretch of next spring?

You need a proper, calm, in depth discussion between the two of about all of this. Your priority should be your own children and your baby when they arrive. Simply, if he can’t ensure his kids will tow the line and not kick off while he’s at work then he needs to arrange childcare or wrap around care etc, as he’s suggested.

If you are doing childcare for either of the parents then you need them to back you up as if you were an external childcare provider.
So consistent rules for all dc in the home and application of your house your rules - if either of the parents aren’t happy with this or don’t want to back you up then they can use paid childcare ( and I presume go along with the rules at that provision)

Sounds like a sit down chat is needed with all of you together. Your DH needs to back you up if you do have to discipline them. He might not like it and if he doesn't then that is a discussion between adults without little ears around.

My partner tells my children off and vice versa. It isn't always nice to hear and we have had a couple of times when I've felt he was unfair, but we talked it all through

I think you need house rules that everyone has to follow regardless of who their parents are. If you don’t feel able to discipline children in your care then you shouldn’t be looking after them. Maybe you should use childcare.

Your DP should be supporting you. Mine always said to my SCs right I’m going out/to work whatever Florence is in charge so you do as she says.

I don't have children but when I mind other people's kids they follow my rules... sometimes that might mean they have to do/not do something their parents would allow but that is life.
From about 2 they seem to grasp the concept of different adult different rules and if you are minding them the most then your rules go.

I would say "yes, I know I'm not your mum. However I am the adult looking after you all right now. You know the rules and what happens if you break them."

And I would speak to my DP to make sure he'd bavk me up.

If you have 2 sets of boundaries for different pairs of kids, you'll end up being resented by your kids, and walked over by his. That's no good for anyone!

When you have other t peoples kids they follow your rules. "we don't do xyz" here is the line to use.

@Herbie0987

You are looking after them, your rules apply. That’s how my partner dealt with any situation, whoever was looking after the children did the discipline.

This. You're right, it's not fair on your kids for the others to be treated differently. Whoever is in charge, is in charge.

Well imo if you can't discipline them you shouldn't be home alone with them. Surely if you are cooking and fulfilling a parental role that includes the grim bits of telling them off? Or surely you have become their maid?

You’re looking after them 12 hours a day every day? Of course you need some autonomy.

Could you share a handful of examples and your suggested approaches with DH as a way forward to agreeing boundaries and then you could both sit down with all the children and explain or reiterate expectations and consequences.

Your DSC wouldn’t tell their teacher they couldn’t be disciplined because s/he is not their mum.

Your DH should be with gratitude every DH for the support you’re providing.

I disciple my DSD when she's with me although it's very rarely needed. I just have to give a look and she stops. She's with us 50% and due to DP hours we alter school drop off and pick up so I tend to do all the club running around with her. She lost a week off her club the other day for rude behaviour to me as repeated something offensive her mum had said about me but she kept on repeating as if it was funny (clearly heard others at the time laughing) but once told off she was very apologetic and accepted the consequence. Otherwise it will be a slightly earlier bedtime or lost treat planned. Her dad respects me to do as we both value manners and respect. MN will tell you that you should not as not your kids but I feel rules and consequences apply at school, clubs, parents, grandparents or childminders so no different when in my care.

I discipline my DSD; I leave it to her dad when he’s here but if I’m just with her then I have a word. She did once say I wasn’t her mum and I just said I’m not trying to be but I am the adult looking after you and DH had a word when he came home about her being rude. She does the same to her grandparents and they say similar.

I have always done,respect is earnt not gained and without rules this is impossible.

I did when he was younger (6/7) have the “your not my mum” phase but he got over it when he realised it was fair and consistent.
This approach worked through his teenage years and he turned into a respectful teen and now a respectful adult.

I have two boys and so does my OH, similar ages and expecting a girl in Feb. We have had different issues with all of them at one time or another.
But I'm very much our house our rules, don't like it doors over there. Because they do try the 'well at mums/dads we do this'. The only place they seem to have routine and boundaries is here. And we're not massively strict, just try to limit screen time, eat properly with veg, bed at a decent time, that kind of thing.
We both support each others parenting and have both stepped in when our own kids aren't listening to us. We try to show a united front to the kids even of we disagree later. I have had all 4 and just the step kids on my own on occasion. I treat them all the same. I'm still waiting for the 'not my mum comment'. And have planned to follow it with the 'I'm the adult looking after you at the moment' response.

If you're there on your own, you HAVE to be supported to discipline them, otherwise it won't work, given your own DC are there too. If your DH doesn't want that, take him up on his offer of paid for childcare.

If DSS11 trotted out the line about me not being his mum, I'd explain it as being similar to his school teacher, with me as the responsible adult.

I now refuse to look after DSS without DH present, as he always reports something to his DM, which DH then comes to query me about (last time it was me asking him to take his plate to the kitchen and wash it).

I think you have to have a little discipline if you are alone with them for 12 hours at a time.

Thank everyone. You’ve all made me feel much better about my approach. My DP is very supportive of whatever I implement. My sc mother however doesn’t communicate with me so don’t really know her thoughts on it. She mentioned to my dp about maybe I shouldn’t raise my voice so much but he ignored it.
I think writing down a list of house rules is a very good idea and will be something that I will look at doing for the new year.

With the new baby I’m not sure how they will all actually react when it’s here. It’s a new dynamic but currently all excited.

So even with house rules, it will be hard, so with house work, mine have always done their bit but my sc seem very reluctant to help with anything, getting them to put their plates in the dishwasher is met with sarcasm and rolled eyes. I’m sure we will find a way. Maybe when the baby is here I’ll be too tired to help them switch the Xbox on unless they help more 😂

Your house rules can be about cleaning up after yourself too! It’s about respect for you, DP and your home as well as expectations for behaviour! It’s a good idea to get all the kids involved in writing the rules, they may have valid points to share and taking their input onboard shows you respect them too