Does anyone discipline their step children?

[Yellowtowels]

I spent a lot of time with my step children this year. Both their parents are key workers and I am on furlough. My own dc are the same ages (all 9-5).
I’m not sure how to handle when they do/don’t keep with the house rules. For instance I would stop internet access or put my own dc in their rooms for time out or take something off them/out of their rooms for bad behavior.

So can I do the same with my sc? Their dad works long hours and I’m often at home with them 12 hours a day, we have them basically full time and eow off.

The problem is, I get off my sc “you’re not my mum and can’t tell me what to do”
Then off my children “you didn’t tell off x for doing that because you love them more”
I feel like screaming its my house, my rules and you’re all being twats, but obviously I can’t do that. I’m at home with my own children anyway so makes seems the most logical way for me to also have his, I also would never say it’s ok for x and x to stay home but x and x need to go to child care. My dp has said we should just pay for childcare but they don’t enjoy it and I feel that puts a divide between them, plus I’m expecting our first baby in March and so hoping to bring it all together instead of dividing.
We generally all get on fine, just been 2 times I think I may of been a bit hard on sc seeing as they are not my own and they got very upset (they are not used to being told off as both parents work long hours).

I'm an xw and not a stepmum but if you're in sole charge of my kids then I'd expect you to discipline them if needed (but no physical punishment - I won't compromise on that!)

When the kids do the "you're not my mum.." routine remind them that when they go to friends houses to play then they have to listen to their friend's parent. Also teachers can tell them "what to do" on school days. In an emergency would they really not follow instructions from a person in authority like the police because they aren't a parent?

Your dp is very unreasonable to say that childcare is the answer. He needs to tell his kids that when he's not at home, you are the boss and they need to respect that. If they have issues with any of your actions then they can tell him when he gets back from work but until then they need to understand that you deserve respect like their teacher or friends mums.

If expectations are different at mum's house then you need a family meeting where rules and consequences are explained. Chances are school and home already have different rules so it's not unreasonable for mum and dad's house to be different too.

Are you having them while the ex is working when it’s her contact time?

I do. They're 4 and 7, with us 50/50.

They'd be disciplined at school or in a childcare setting if they acted up at those ages. You're the childcare.

Though honestly if I had the whole "you're not my mum" comment when taking them off something or disciplining them I wouldn't be providing free childcare for them if my partner wouldn't back me up or they wouldn't be having iPads at all if they're going to act up, they could have them when their dad was home. Just like school or childcare.

The kids in our collective family are taught to respect the authority of the adult in charge. That can be a parent, A grandparent, a teacher , babysitter or an adult sibling.

I am not fazed by sighing or rolling of the eyes, etc. The child can do all of those things as long as they do what I tell them to do. I have no problem with them expressing their thoughts or feelings as long as they recognize that in that time and place, I am the adult in charge. No one is ever harmed or damaged by rolling eyes and sighs.

I have found that with kids when you assume the air and functions of authority, while they may not be happy they generally do as they are told. When you act as though someone has to grant authority to you, kids know that you have no real authority and like them you have to answer to their "real" parent.

I'm very rarely alone with dsds and they are well behaved so I haven't had to discipline them. However "you're not my mum" goes both ways. You're under no obligation to cook, clean etc for them. If they don't respect you then your dp needs to make arrangements so he can care for his own children.

Whilst you may not be a birth parent you are acting entirely as parent in this situation. If the SC are with you essentially full time and you are doing the lion share you have to be seen to treat them all the same and house rules apply. If their birth parents are happy for you to carry this much of the load then you have to be supported to discipline- it shouldn't even be a question.

If my DC ever tell me their SM has disciplined them my response is GOOD so she should if you were naughty whilst with her.

I did, but she lived with me and her dad full time, and me full time when we split up (court ordered both times). I do realise that my situation was unique so it doesn't help yours, sorry.