Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Dreading the weekends the step kids are here

53 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext · 22/12/2020 21:52

I'm 24. I have been with my OH for over a year and he's got 2 children under 10. We have them 60% of holidays and EOW.

I am a teaching assistant in a primary school and value my child-free time. I now don't look forward to the weekends we have them as I feel like I don't have a break.

Thinking about this for the rest of my life scares me.

Is this normal to feel like this? Is there anything I can do to help?

I live far away from my family and friends so I can't really take time out. We live in a tiny 2 bed and don't have any space to myself.

Finding it harder and harder 😣

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 22/12/2020 22:04

I don't feel like this but I think it's something you have to solve or you'll end up feeling resentful of the children. EOW is only 2 days out of 14.

Pre-covid I would sometimes arrange to be out doing things with friends when step kids were here which gives them time with their dad and gives me some adult time. I also wouldn't always accompany them on trips. Do you spend 24/7 with them when they are there? Does your partner deal with cleaning up after them etc or are you left doing the grunt work?

Littlepaws18 · 22/12/2020 22:05

If you aren't 100% committed to this family set up you need to leave. Being a step parent isn't an easy gig but it's a responsibility you have to get right! The time he spends with them should never change for you. They should be first priority.

I myself am in a blended family, and we have had some extremely hard times as well as really fab ones! But I give 100% to it. You need to be committed or walk away, there are too many lives that could be potentially ruined if you don't.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/12/2020 22:05

Don't be the default nanny & housekeeper. His kids, let him parent, clear up, cook etc. Go for a walk, a drive, sit in your car with a book & flask of coffee. Be pleasant when you are with them but they are his responsibility.
He will be having this contact for years if he is a responsible father. But the work involved should be his, not yours.
Before he next has them you need a discussion if he normally leaves the workload to you.

Embracelife · 22/12/2020 22:10

Not the rest of your life they will grow and leave..but yeh will always be part of his life

Or you can leave

YouBoughtMeAWall · 22/12/2020 22:15

I am a teaching assistant in a primary school and value my child-free time.

Seems a bit silly to choose a parent for a partner then.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 22/12/2020 22:15

Let alone move in to a house where children live!

Longdistance · 22/12/2020 22:21

Does it mean that you’re doing all the hard work it that the kids are around and you don’t have time for your dp.
You’re 24, far too young to be tied down like this.
At that age I was travelling the world, having fun with friends. Not getting involved in ‘family life’.

Wnikat · 22/12/2020 22:25

Go out with someone who doesn’t have children. You’re too young for this.

sassbott · 22/12/2020 23:03

Wow some really heartfelt and empathetic responses here.

OP, yes it is entirely normal. There are many threads where step parents find weekend contact quite overwhelming and difficult to manage.
EOW contact in particular I think is quite difficult to navigate as it is quite intense and very different to what balanced family life looks like - it does bring some odd dynamics into a household.

My advice. Figure out what it is that bothers you. What would make it better?

Autumnismyseason · 22/12/2020 23:15

TBH I wouldn’t take on a man with 2 kids when I was 24. No way.

Songbird232018 · 22/12/2020 23:37

Under 10s are hard work. We had the same contact schedule you did and I found it hard and often did my own thing on the kids weekends for some of it, you can be committed without feeling burdened :) it can work fine just don't expect too much of yourself and keep your position as the fun one that's sometimes around and let them have plenty sad time 1-1x

GDCH · 23/12/2020 00:06

Just new to this, met someone with a little boy (he is amazing) however very spoilt, dad constantly buys him things but I'm left to cook constantly clean etc whilst he goes to work then when he is here at the weekends( almost all) he stays up till half 1 two in the morning, I have addressed this with him but to no avail, I myself have health problems and I'm suffering, he thinks it's acceptable for me to go to bed to watch TV as his son rules the sitting room TV!! Please help Ps his son is primary school age.

changedmynameforChristmas · 23/12/2020 00:10

@GDCH

Just new to this, met someone with a little boy (he is amazing) however very spoilt, dad constantly buys him things but I'm left to cook constantly clean etc whilst he goes to work then when he is here at the weekends( almost all) he stays up till half 1 two in the morning, I have addressed this with him but to no avail, I myself have health problems and I'm suffering, he thinks it's acceptable for me to go to bed to watch TV as his son rules the sitting room TV!! Please help Ps his son is primary school age.
Well it's not going to get any better is it if it's like this from the start. Don't have children with this man or you will be on here in time saying you need to leave as life is unbearable
GDCH · 23/12/2020 00:20

Thank you. I think I knew myself just sad.

Laura659 · 23/12/2020 00:23

Totally normal OP. I’m 25 and a stepmum to 3 children, I live 300 miles from all my friends and family, we have the children every weekend (this was my choice tbf) Being a step mum is a hard gig (especially when two of my step children are autistic) I would do anything for them I really would... sometimes you’ve got to give yourself a break, I’m only a few years in and still trying to navigate the world of step parenting. I’m not perfect and sometimes I get it wrong but there’s no manual to these things. OP, feeling like that is normal, you just have to find what works for you and your set up. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and work on moving to somewhere bigger, you’ll find with a bit of space you may feel much better! I like having my own private breathing space Grin good luck!

IdblowJonSnow · 23/12/2020 00:35

I think 24 is very young to be taking on this responsibility.
Is it something you're able to speak to your partner about?
Do you have good relationships with the kids? Is it mainly the lack of space that's the issue?

jessstan1 · 23/12/2020 00:39

@Embracelife

Not the rest of your life they will grow and leave..but yeh will always be part of his life

Or you can leave

Exactly. You are only 24, why tie yourself down to a man with young children when there are plenty out there who have none!
Blacktothepink · 23/12/2020 00:42

Leave, would be my advice.

8obbingabout · 23/12/2020 00:44

Its really not bad to feel like this but this does tell me that this man is not the one for you.

I agree with @Wnikat I’d move on with sone one who doesn't have any children. You are too young for this. Your 24 and need to be out there enjoying yourself not being tied down with someone and their kids.

Forget this man and his kids

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 23/12/2020 01:53

I dont know how to say this without sounding harsh so please dont take it that way...but his children are part of him. If you are "dreading" having them over they will feel it and you may even ruin their relationships with their father. Either love all of him or leave and find someone without children. Not everyone is cut out to be a good step parent that brings something to the family unit (genuinely, its a hard job).

dontdisturbmenow · 23/12/2020 09:14

It takes many attributes to make a relationship successful. Love is obviously the strongest but far from enough.

If you dread his kids coming every time, have tried to deal with it to no avail, then however sad it is, you have to accept he is not the man for you. As said already, his kids are a part of him and that's that.

IwantToDatePicard · 23/12/2020 20:02

I suggest you plan other things on the weekends your DP has his kids. They are not your kids - Do you really need to be there?

marvelousmadmadammim · 23/12/2020 20:27

Don't get any more involved.

It will only get harder

Find someone without kids to make your own family with

SandyY2K · 23/12/2020 23:09

Why would you choose a man with kids then? It doesn't make sense.
My DD is a few years younger than you and I have told her not to take on a man with kids...too much headache.

Especially when you're young with so much choice, time and baggage free.

Tiredoftattler · 24/12/2020 13:07

Rethink your life choices. If his kids were the ones writing this letter, they might say " we only see our dad for 2 weekends out of every month. He lives in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and there is no real .
space for us. His girlfriend is always there; so what is meant to be his time with us has to be shared. Since the beginning of the pandemic, the girlfriend is limited in her ability to leave and go out , so she is always there. Our alone time and one on one time is very limited.
Is this the way it is always going to be?"

Life from any perspective can be complex when children are involved.
When you become a parent , you assume a 24/7 responsibility. You are not yet a parent. You are living with a man who has 24/7 responsibility. The court can allocate time but it cannot erase or modify the 24/7 obligation and responsibility that comes with parenthood.

You do not have to live this way. The right to not live this way is a right that comes with your childless state. You are making the choice to live this way. The man is not holding you captive . Everyday that you return to that environment is another day, that you have chosen to be in that situation.

Your boyfriend made his choice when he chose twice to reproduce . Your choice is before you now. You are unhappy, but you are choosing to remain in the situation that is making you unhappy.

Take control of your life . You do not have to live with this man and his children. They managed life prior to your arrival. You can live apart and continue your relationship or you can end the relationship and find a relationship for which you are better suited.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.