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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dreading the weekends the step kids are here

53 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext · 22/12/2020 21:52

I'm 24. I have been with my OH for over a year and he's got 2 children under 10. We have them 60% of holidays and EOW.

I am a teaching assistant in a primary school and value my child-free time. I now don't look forward to the weekends we have them as I feel like I don't have a break.

Thinking about this for the rest of my life scares me.

Is this normal to feel like this? Is there anything I can do to help?

I live far away from my family and friends so I can't really take time out. We live in a tiny 2 bed and don't have any space to myself.

Finding it harder and harder 😣

OP posts:
Frankola · 24/12/2020 21:38

Posters saying "why would you choose a man with kids" annoy me. Alot of women start dating a man with kids and think they're up for taking it all on. However this isn't always the case and it isn't your fault op.

You sound like you're in different life stages to be honest. Tieing yourself to family life at 24 is a lot. If you can't deal with his kids 2 days out of 14 you'll struggle as they grow and potentially want more contact.

If your partner has you doing all the heavy lifting he needs to stop that. They are his kids, nor yours. You might find it more enjoyable having a relationship with them which doesn't make you cook, cleaner and bottle washer.

Youre also entitled to do your own thing when his kids are there once you're able. You don't need to spend 24/7 with them when they're there.

Maybe make some changes to how things work when they're there. If that doesn't work then reasses the situation of your relationship

Palavah · 25/12/2020 19:54

It's not 'why would you date a man with kids', it's 'why would you date a man with kids at 24 when you don't want to spend your weekends with his children'.

It's no different from saying 'don't date a man with a puppy if you don't want a dog in your life'.

ploopypleepy · 25/12/2020 19:58

I can understand this, I'm a stepmum to 3 kids and I'm 27. It's the hardest thing I've ever done ... there's good times and awful times and I prefer my weekends when they aren't here. I don't think thats unreasonable, they arnt yours at the end of the day. It does get easier though... and I guess it depends how much you love him. Don't feel bad though.

ukgift2016 · 25/12/2020 20:01

Crazy to commit to a man with two children at your young age. There are loads of childless men in your dating age range.

If you want to stay, then you must accept the children. They are going nowhere and they were there before you. Don't like it? Leave.

jimmyjammy001 · 25/12/2020 22:33

Your 24, why have you settled for someone with kids, there are plenty of child free men out there at your age where a relationship with out someone else's children involved would be alot easier and stress free. Don't be surprised in the future if you start having to be more of a step parent to them if he wants to go off to the football or out with mates e.t.c

CeibaTree · 25/12/2020 22:51

OP you are too young to take on someone's kids. I think it'd be different if you had your own, but from what you've written it sounds like you are nowhere near ready for a family, so why take on someone elses?

katy1213 · 25/12/2020 23:21

I wouldn't want this at my age, let alone yours. If you stay, make it clear that you're not nanny/housekeeper, his kids, his job raising them. Lots and lots of weekends away at little or no notice, should you choose, because they're not your responsibility.

katy1213 · 25/12/2020 23:27

And be very wary if he's keen to give you one of your own - because if you're looking after your own, you might as well care for his!

Crimblecrumble1990 · 25/12/2020 23:41

Do you always need to be there entertaining? Does their dad take them out for the day and you can say 'catch you guys later, I'm having a bath and reading a book' etc? Although appreciate that this might not be possible right now due to COVID...

I have to say though, I have a 10 month son who I love dearly and if I think about having to get up early every single day for the next however many years and keep him entertained and fed and looked after then I feel pretty overwhelmed and struggle to wrap my head around it. I guess the difference is that I wouldn't change it for the world and I don't think I would feel that way about someone else's children...

GlowingOrb · 25/12/2020 23:44

I’m in my 40s and if I found myself looking for a life partner, kids would be a likely part of the package. I can’t fathom making that compromise at 24.

I did have some friends back at that age that for involved with men with kids, even lived together. None of those relationships ended up working out. They were just too complicated because the me were at such different stages of life.

CoconutGal · 26/12/2020 06:57

It's very normal. My OH has 2 under 10 & I have a teenager. We have his kids every weekend & there are some weekends I just want a break. There's also weekends where my OH needs a break too. We both work full time & often don't get time together just the 2 of us. So we compromise, we spend time as a family & then once the younger kids are in bed we have a nice dinner together. It gets easier. Some of it feels like a sense of dread from the unknown but it does get easier.

Wallywobbles · 26/12/2020 07:06

Read some of the longer threads is step parenting for how its going to look in the longer term. .

Mumsnet is a pretty viscous place for step-mums.

It's a hard gig. I've been doing it for 7 years and it's got harder as they get older. I have kids the same age. We have them 50:50.

I am also a step daughter who loves her step mum of 40 years.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2020 07:23

You're 24, you don't need this baggage at your age. I think it also doesn't help when the step-parent isn't old enough to be the biological-parent of the child, I don't know if this is the case here.

ItisRainingAgain · 26/12/2020 07:38

I would find it sad if my 23 year old daughter shacked up with some guy with two kids. You’re young and you should be having fun, not accommodating someone else’s children, it will drag you down when you should still be discovering who you are, and what you want out of life, and being able to do things on the spur of the moment or just because you want to. Plenty of time for duty and obligation when you’re older.

OldOrMaybeNotThatOld · 26/12/2020 07:47

Being a SM is not for everyone. It’s a difficult job. You somehow end up with all these emotions and feelings that you get told are ‘wrong’ but exist nonetheless simply because people expect you to be some kind of wonder woman. I too absolutely dreaded the weekends my SC were due to arrive and when they left it felt like a load lifted off me. I didn’t leave my then bf and now 13 years later things are easier because the kids visit less as they develop their own lives. I honestly believe that whether you end up having your own kids changes things a lot. We have tried to have our own kids and failed, years of ivf with no luck. It has led me to feeling resentment to my SC

It’s the toughest role in a family setup. Hands down.

ElectricMistofelees · 26/12/2020 07:56

I’m not sure I’d feel much different if I’m honest, but I do think that it might get easier in the long-term. When they are with you you must all be on top of each other at the moment and it can’t be easy to get out for some space (or even entertain them!) I do think you need to be at peace with it being part of your life, but you’re not really able to get any form of reasonable balance with the current restrictions. If everything else is good and you are happy with him I’d focus on being able to get some space (when the rules allow!) and maybe developing some friendships a bit nearer so you can have your own life too and their visits don’t mean your weekend is 100% dictated to you.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 26/12/2020 12:05

I think the problem comes when you start living with him or staying there so much you might as well be living with him. If you date him but keep your own home you’ll be much happier. Your weekends are still your own, you can see your own friends, have a lie in etc. You don’t need to be living with him to date him.

PerveenMistry · 26/12/2020 18:14

@Longdistance

Does it mean that you’re doing all the hard work it that the kids are around and you don’t have time for your dp. You’re 24, far too young to be tied down like this. At that age I was travelling the world, having fun with friends. Not getting involved in ‘family life’.

Totally agree with this. You are wasting your precious youth.

There are plenty of unencumbered men out there.

PotatoParent · 29/12/2020 14:35

OP - I am in a similar situation, and my DH feels that when they are here we should all spend time together.

Speak to your other half and plan some time for you - you need it, doing something just you.

I try just to enjoy the time with the kids but internally I am counting down to being able to read my book or sit down without immediately being asked to watch a child do something and pretend to be interested.

Step or any other type of parent - not perfect are human, I struggle with using my annual leave for school holidays, as I am used to having that as my time.

Yes we signed up for it, NO we don't have to just deal with it.

ESPECIALLY during lockdown, really think about what would make you feel a bit better on your kid weekend, could your other half take them out for a sunday morning walk? give you some PandQ or do some cooking or something in the kitchen so you're buffered from it.

it is not an unreasonable request, you're young and used to your time being your time. It does not make you selfish, and the fact that you are thinking about it means that you are looking to try and improve things for all of you.

I hope your other half is supportive and understanding, don't be made to feel selfish about this, I can't begin to imagine how hard work has been for you with all of this going on.

PusheenLove · 29/12/2020 16:26

@Wallywobbles

Read some of the longer threads is step parenting for how its going to look in the longer term. .

Mumsnet is a pretty viscous place for step-mums.

It's a hard gig. I've been doing it for 7 years and it's got harder as they get older. I have kids the same age. We have them 50:50.

I am also a step daughter who loves her step mum of 40 years.

It got harder??
missrks · 29/12/2020 16:29

My DP found it quite hard. He spends the weekends my DC is here doing his own stuff too, I don't plan for him being around or expect it from him. It's nice when he chooses to though. ☺️

LouJ85 · 30/12/2020 15:17

Either love all of him or leave and find someone without children.

Loving "all of him" doesn't necessarily have to involve loving his kids. I love "all of" my DP - he's an amazing man. That's why I'm with him. But he is a whole person in his own right - "all of him" if just that - all of him.

Similarly, his kids are 2 different people in their own right. I am fond of them and I accept them as part of our lives, but I don't have to "love" them just because I'm in love with their father.

AriesTheRam · 30/12/2020 15:21

I became a step mum to a 7 year old when I was 23 and I hated it.I ended the marriage when dc was 16 (not because if her) think long and hard before you get into this long term.

Witchymclovely · 30/12/2020 16:06

Your finding it hard now! Best you throw in the towel now my lovely, it just gets harder. Flowers

StiffyByng1 · 30/12/2020 16:50

24 year old me would have run away from the situation you find yourself in. I absolutely hated the step kid weekends, and the lack of holidays without them. And. Every. Fucking. Christmas. This forum is brutal on step parents so expect no empathy, every child is a ray of sunshine gifted from the Lord himself... Consider your position, because it just gets harder and harder. Perversely. You’d think easier as they get older, but it’s really not. And you’ll always be broke, children are very spenny.

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