End of the road?

[Felic23]

Been with my partner for almost 6 years. We are both single parents who have our children almost full time. Our lives are completely separate except from our time- date nights, sleep overs. We see each other about twice a week. Living in different towns not too far apart but having work/school runs/ kids activities general home life keeps are in our own lifes and we've found it hard to blend much at all. We do holiday with the kids and Halloween/ Christmas meet ups and odd day out here and there. I'm just starting to think we have no future.. my partner is keen for us to move in but more as he wants an easy life and is fed up I think of being a single parent. I'm not keen on moving in as for numerous reasons it wouldn't be great for the kids. They are teenage boys who are completely different. Also tbh I dont want to be step Mum to his Son. As he lives with him FT and doesn't see his Mum it would be a massive role to fill. For a long time this set up was fine but as I'm getting older I think I'm living the life of a single person who is dating and after 6 years that's not right. I dont know what to do, we do love each other but unless we life together which isn't realistic right now we are drifting further apart.
Any opinions welcome :)

So basically he wants to step the relationship up and you would like more of a relationship as well but not with him?
I think you're absolutely correct that moving in and moving the kids in will be a mistake but it would probably be difficult with anybody you meet. I think dating the way you are now is a good plan until your kids move out. Whether you should be dating him though is another matter as it sounds as if you might just have gone off him a bit

It does sound the end of the road. Tough decision I’m sure, but the right one.

What would you tell your best friend/daughter/sister if she told you the story you wrote here? This!

@chubbyhotchoc thanks for reply. I do want more of a relationship but with him it would involve moving the kids in which I dont want to do. It would be hard with anyone i agree but I feel a bit stuck..I feel like moving in is our only hope but my gut tells me it's the wrong decision.

@DeliaOwens hmm good question! I'd probably say give it a go and move in. But it's easier to think that's a option from the outside. I would mean giving up a secure tenancy I have and wouldn't get given again for a risk that may not work out :/

Don’t give up your tenancy.

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks for reply. I do think it might be, so hard to decide what is the best option. I dont want to throw away a good relationship but the good times are not real life there just short periods of time before we go back to our own lifes!

I think you really need to think about why you feel you 'need more of a future' with him; it sounds as though you both lead busy, active lives, each with a teenage DS, you get 'quality' time together (a couple of dates nights a week?) ... what more do you want?

I have a teenage DS, I live with the father of my child Long time married. I doubt if we have a 'date night' more than once every six months ... especially now!

I would enjoy what you have .... some independence and time on your own sounds fabulous .

Op. Questions.

Roughly how old are the respective sons? Early/ mid/ late teens?
Would a move in together mean one side needing to change school/ friends?
When you do spend occasional time together (with the children), how is it?

Also, you’re not living a single life IMO. You’re living the life of a separated / divorced parent who is dating another separated / divorced parent. That means you have your own children to focus on and raise, whilst dating. But it also means having the pressure of running a home alone, paying bills alone (I get it). Which 6 years in, you’re probably thinking, this isn’t what I signed up for.

I was in a similar boat 4 1/2 years into a relationship. And came to a crossroads myself - for many reasons I didn’t want to move in with my ex (he did). But my gut just told me, it’s not the right thing for your children. And I stand by that choice.

Now? I’ve called time out on the relationship to evaluate what it is I’m looking for. Am I going to be happy ‘dating’ someone for the forseeable future? Or would I rather build something with someone where there is a chance of a more ‘shared’ life?

There are pros and cons to both. I really like my life and my home with my DC. I’m not sure I want to share that with anyone FT. Maybe ever again.

I think you need to ask yourself what will make you happy. And in the meantime don’t rush any big decision.

Do you really love each other? And just not want to move in right now because it won’t work for the kids?

If that’s the case could you set a time to move in when the kids are either gone or no longer really kids (16 or 18 depending on what they’re like) - and in the meantime rearrange your lives so you see a bit more of each other - another night a week, or weekend away a month?

If your gut is telling you it’s not working then of course move on - but it sounds like it might be a temp phase to me?? Having teen kids can be a rough patch in any marriage, when combined with busy lives etc.

First, well done for putting your son first and not moving in with your partner.

Secondly, the grass isn't always greener. I would say there is nothing wrong with the set up you're describing until the kids move out, so I would stick with the partner you have (unless you've gone off him).

@sassbott thanks for your reply. The boys are 11 and 12 yrs. Neither one of us want to move their child away from their home town. When we spend time together it's nice but can be tense and stressful sometimes like any family I guess. There is a lot of competition between the boys. 1 is much more masculine and the other is a mummy's boy.
The set up does sound ideal in many ways as in having own life with the advantage of having a partner to date and be at the end of the phone.
The problem now is he is soon to buy a house and he has a few big things he is planning in next few years and its left me thinking I will not be a part of any of those things- buying first house etc. He earns a lot more money than me, fine in the beginning but now our lifestyles are so different.
I feel like I want to like you said build a life with someone not just sit on the sideline of someone else's life. The hard part is the fact he is willing to combine our lifes by moving in and I'm the one saying no but yet im still not happy. Very confusing.

So it would mean a change of schools for one child. And a complete switch of friends?
Has either child already done the big transition to secondary? I’m assuming the 12 year old has.

Bluntly? Based on what you’ve said, I wouldn’t move in together. Especially if both children are already in secondary and have done that transition. The pandemic has been super tough on all kids. The last thing they need is a school move.

Secondly from the sound of things, if it’s already stressful during the little time you spend together, what do you think it would be like living together 24/7? Throw in teen hormones and you’re looking at an absolute nightmare situation.

Aside from those logistics, have you and your partner sat down and discussed how you each parent? Discipline? Are you on the same page? How would you tackle a fight between the boys?

He’s financially better off than you? Ok, what does that look like? That would mean ( I assume) he can afford nicer things/ holidays/ toys for his children. Would there be financial parity in how the children are treated or not?

He’s buying a house. What does that look like? Does he want to buy with you? Is he expecting 50/50? What happens if you make this move and the relationship breaks down? How are you (and he) financially protected?

These are all HUGE conversations, that can be ducked when living apart / dating.
But critical to have before living together. And I had all of them and thus ruled out living with my ex. Why? We are not on the same page re parenting. Financially I am much better off than him and he could not come to the table as a mature adult and have difficult conversations (namely that my assets thus far accumulated are for my children and not to provide him / his children a comfortable lifestyle). So there would have been financial disparity as I would want to take my children on nice holidays and I have zero intention of paying for his.

More to the point, the children get along (they’re civil) but that’s about it. My children prefer their time with me and would not want to share their home with my exes children.

I’m glad you’re asking yourself what’s right. As too many people plough headfirst into these situations and years later are regretting having ever taken the plunge.

I’m asking myself if I am happy to continue this way with my ex (and reconcile) or simply move on and accept that I either need to stay single/ date but not involve the children/ date someone with no children or grown up children. I won’t date anyone else with kids the same age as mine (or younger).

It is confusing. But if your gut is saying don’t do it, listen to it. I could have taken the plunge, had financial support in running my home. Someone to help me with the logistics of running my home/ school runs etc. But deep down, every part of me said, ‘don’t do this’.

It’s hard (for me) to accept that I may be alone, for perhaps the rest of my life. There’s no guarantee I will meet someone else I love. But, equally. I’m not compromising my peaceful home or the remaining years with my children for a man and his children (and psycho ex wife).

No one finds these situations easy and I think it’s really good you’re asking yourself these questions.

Many couples live together, buy a home together, marry, and begin to build a life together and still end up separated or divorced. None of those steps necessarily lead to or ensure a happy life or a sustained relationship.

Something is causing you to hesitate.. You said that he asked you to move in with him. You did not say that he asked you to marry him. Perhaps, on some level, if you are a more traditional sort, you thought that six years of dating would lead to marriage.

Whatever the case, if what you have is not what you want or need, you do not need a justification for ending a relationship that for you is not working. If love were enough, neither of you would be looking to make a change.

What? Relationships are all about change and communication. Surely those things are at the heart of it.

Now it may be this relationship doesn’t fulfil the Op’s needs and therefore underlying issues are wider. It could be that with some communication around the ‘bigger’ topics, this situation resolves itself and they remain in a LT committed relationship without doing the whole living together FT while the children are living with them.

When children from previous relationships are involved, in sensible adults, love is never enough. And it’s intensely naive and dangerous to tell people in these situations that it is.

I love my ex, but I have to put my children first for now. That’s what balanced adults do.

@sassbott:
I was not even suggesting that the children' s well -being should not control or impact the decision to live together.They have been put first for 6 years in the decision to live together and this has not lead to happiness for the OP. She is unhappy with where she has landed after 6 years.

My point is that the OP is unhappy and that she needs no justification for ending a relationship that is leaving her unhappy. She says that she loves the OP , but she is not willing to accept that love as a reason for continuing the relationship. It seems that both the OP and her partner want more than love

The OP stated that after 6 years she expected more from the relationship. Perhaps, the OP should define what that more would look like. I assumed that the more would have been marriage as the partner was offering to have the OP move in with him.

I think that unhappy " mature adults " take the steps necessary to lead to a different state.

Neither you nor I can say with any certainty what the more is that the OP expected after 6 years. What we can say is that after 6 years she is not satisfied with the status of the relationship. It is within her control to bring an end to her dissatisfaction.

OP I was in your position a few years ago with the difference being that my partner only has his kids 3 nights a week. We were together a lot of years, running separate households, and seeing each other when we were both child free. I was happy with the situation and loved my little home which was all mine.

And then....he proposed. I seriously considered saying no as like you I had never wanted to blend families and have his kids at my house even part time. But, I said yes as I did want more of a life with him and I thought things would work out ok. Plus by the time we ended up getting married his eldest was going to Uni so that was one less kid to worry about. Or so I thought.

For the most part we are happy but I have had a lot of friction with his kids as they have no house rules at their mum's which causes problems when they come here. If I'm honest, I prefer the time we have together when they're not here.

So what I'm saying to you is that if you're certain you don't want to live with his kids, don't make the decision to do it and think 'oh it'll be ok.' It most probably will be ok, but will you be happier and will you miss having your own space?

I think your guy tells you deep down that if they moved in, you'd end up doing the shitwork and emotional labour... and he'd breathe a sigh of relief that finally his days of single parenthood had come to an end and he had A Woman to take over all the crap.

Am I right?

NEVER give up your tenancy. That, above all else.

gut not guy!

OP. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Tune in. Understand what it’s telling you.

I’ve been with DP (who I adore) for just under 5yrs. He is currently living with me since March (his DS is now in sixth form and not needing to live with DP as his transport links make more sense from his mum’s). On paper it makes total sense for us to throw our assets together and combine homes properly. His house is standing empty. Everyone ‘gets on’ and enjoys time together.

Except there’s his dd. She is 19 and lost and hiding from the world (since the age of 15). She lives at mum’s ‘drawing pictures’. Expecting to go on holidays, eat out, shop for clothes (clothes at mum expense). Pretending to dream up schemes of college courses but not really being willing to discuss. DP so used to tiptoeing around her that he has long since forgotten how to have normal conversation with her.

So when my gut screams ‘don’t do it’ wrt moving in, it’s for good reason. My gut says:

I don’t want to share my home with an entitled adult child who does less in the world age 20 than many 8 year olds. Ever. Not having sweat blood and tears to bring up my own, functional, non entitled young people (who, as adults I also have no intention of living with!). This stuff is vitally important to me as I am planning to enjoy my late fifties and sixties free of the slog of ‘looking after children’ thanks very much.

DPand me parent very differently. He may have a ‘dependent child’ for the rest of his life. So that’s that. Unless things change there.

So my gut is screaming quite sensible important stuff. I think if you really investigate what’s stopping you saying ‘yes’
And consider what is so awful about continuing as you are. Are you really ‘missing out’ when the kids are not for blending?

Personally I will be happy to continue with my relationship as non blended. But everyone’s relationship costs/benefits analysis will look different.

I also think friends always want the ‘happy ever after’ and you are better off listening to real life step mum experiences here. Cos they will tell you to ‘go for it’ but maybe your gut is right.

But what do you want? Another partner without children at all. How likely do you think that would be.
Or maybe you would meet someone with more, younger children who come every weekend, would that really be any better?
Honestly I think when you have children this set up is ideal. I think blending families is extremely tricky. I think the problem is they are still young and they aren’t going to move out for many more years yet. I think if they were 15/16 you could see the end of the road and plan.
I don’t have any real advice apart from is the grass really greener. Is OH happy how this is working just now.

@sassbott we have talked about stuff like a house would be in both our names if I were to give up my tenancy as that would be the only way I would consider it. When it comes to the boys we have agreed that we would have to treat them equally in every way including finances.
My boy has started secondary, his has chosen his and is starting Sep.
We wouldn't think about moving for at least another year until both boys are settled in school it would be travelling between 2 schools as we wont move them. Can I ask why you ended the relationship with your ex and didn't continue just dating? I am obviously considering the same thing just wondered what it was that made you feel it was time to end. Like you said its tricky potentially with anyone who has kids. I think the fact the boys are so close in age and the both boys makes it harder. It's very easy to compare them and also to find faults in how the other parents.