End of the road?

[Felic23]

Been with my partner for almost 6 years. We are both single parents who have our children almost full time. Our lives are completely separate except from our time- date nights, sleep overs. We see each other about twice a week. Living in different towns not too far apart but having work/school runs/ kids activities general home life keeps are in our own lifes and we've found it hard to blend much at all. We do holiday with the kids and Halloween/ Christmas meet ups and odd day out here and there. I'm just starting to think we have no future.. my partner is keen for us to move in but more as he wants an easy life and is fed up I think of being a single parent. I'm not keen on moving in as for numerous reasons it wouldn't be great for the kids. They are teenage boys who are completely different. Also tbh I dont want to be step Mum to his Son. As he lives with him FT and doesn't see his Mum it would be a massive role to fill. For a long time this set up was fine but as I'm getting older I think I'm living the life of a single person who is dating and after 6 years that's not right. I dont know what to do, we do love each other but unless we life together which isn't realistic right now we are drifting further apart.
Any opinions welcome :)

I ended it for a few reasons.

1. he has an exceptionally high conflict exwife and I see no signs of it settling. I find her conflict exhausting and don’t see it ending.
2. as a result of the conflict, I don’t think the children are on track to be healthy. Not unless the mother stops her manipulation and allows the children full emotional freedom - as such I don’t find any longer time with them enjoyable/ relaxing.
3. due to the conflict, my ex was not fully available to me as a partner. The bulk of his time and energy went towards fighting to secure contact with his children (years by the way, family courts are not easy to navigate with a high conflict personality.)

Bluntly. I have a happy and peaceful home and I never want his dysfunction (or children) to live in my space. So I either remain with him ‘dating’ and stay as I am. Or move forward and allow him to meet someone who wants to be more of a part of his life. Because it’s not me and it won’t ever be.

I’m taking time to evaluate if this is a set up I want for the forseeable part of my life. I am by nature a conflict averse person and just want peace. I also want fulfilling relationships.

It’s hard, I understand. But I do know without a shadow of doubt that I want my life and home separate. My children only want their time with me. Not with my ex and his children.

@sassbott I understand, my child goes back and forth with weather or not he wants to live with his child but his child has issues and goes to a special school. I am concerned about the effect living together will have on my child. Some say its selfish but I have to look out for my own child.

It’s not remotely selfish, to me that is being a responsible parent.
My exes priority is his children, thus I also put mine first. And that means keeping my children (whose parents have zero conflict and dysfunction) away from the children who have a polar opposite set up.

I’m very clear that his situation with his situation cannot and will not, in any way, impact my children.

You know people pile in and make all sorts of comments. Well if you love him, you’d make it work. You should care for and treat all the children equally. Love is about sticking together through thick and thin. (The next one is my best one). Well you have no guarantees of whether one of your children will go off the rails, what will you do then?

All are designed to, in essence, guilt trip a person into saying ‘yes, I’ll do this.’ When the reality is that any one of us could end up with a child who becomes a handful/ goes off the rails. Of course we could and we’ll deal with that if and when it happens. But the best we can do is (while we can) protect our children as best as possible and give them the best home environment we can.

If his child goes to a special school and has issues (and I respect you not being specific), that is a lot to take on. At a time when your child will equally need your emotional care and energy.

Do you enjoy spending time with your partners son?

@YoniAndGuy I think your right, he does want a woman to fill the gap and help him with the day to day struggles of single parenthood. I on the other hand am quite happy being a single parent but of course would be nice to have someone to share the load and gave support. The main issue is if I give up my council flat I will probably never get another one. It's a huge risk that I dont think I'm prepared to take :/ thanks for your reply.

‘It would be nice to have someone to share the load and have support’

It’s so alluring, so tempting, who doesn’t want to have a proper partnership.

It’s just the reality is, blending is more or less swapping one flavour of complexity (logistical) for another (emotional).

In my case (and ditto @sassbott and maybe you too?) we are making the choice to prioritise emotional calm and stability. For our kids and us.

My ex is a bit rubbish as a dad and it’s hard to underestimate the weight of responsibility I feel towards my kids, in providing their stability. They are 16 and 18 and they still have some years ahead depending on me.

Nothing selfish about that (I don’t think)

Also when you are young/foolish/childless you embark on a cohabitation and marriage and procreation in your 20s and 30s with so little to lose.

But there’s now a lot of (hard won, post divorce) stuff to protect - autonomy, security, and so much - to lose. Other people’s kids and parenting differences are not necessarily for the faint hearted.

Pretending that ‘love if enough’ is naïve in the extreme.

@Sewsosew thanks for reply. I was happy with set up since recently. I think it's the fact he is buying a house and has other plans and its making me realise we share nothing. We are growing apart as we dont share many experiences and do not get involved in each others children's life much. He is happy with situation but would much rather move in. He can see potential issues with kids but he has had his hands full since becoming a single Dad as his son has anger and behaviour problems so I think he is keen to understandably share the load with someone.