Mother constantly causing issues

[TheBadElfParade]

We’re having a right hard time of it all due to DSS’s mum. Quite frankly she’s being nightmare. Apologies for the long rant, I just need to offload.

Due to circumstances DSD is isolating with us at his dads. In summary, DSS received a letter from school saying he had been in close contact with a positive person whilst he was with us for the weekend. Mum was adamant that DSS didn’t need to isolate even after we tried to explain that he needed to isolate for 10 days. We pointed her to the government guidelines and said we would seek legal advice to see what the best situation is and get back to her but it wasn’t up for discussion with her, due to some advice and deliberation what was best for DSS, Dp decided to keep his son here for the remainder of the isolation (mum wanted to us to return him after 3 days and not isolate him regardless of the letter to do so, there is also a medically vulnerable child involved at mums house, we asked DSS where he wanted to isolate etc and he was happy to stay for the remainder of the week etc etc). So we did this much to his mums dislike - she is a very controlling person so the relationship between my DP and her has been stressful, particularly regarding communication. We try our best to keep the peace, we live in a very drama free household as I prefer to keep peace and my life and my relationships this way, but this is the only person in our lives who is adamant to keep some sort of wreckage within our lives.

DSS has been happy and brilliant this week, apart from having some mild tummy upset between him and myself.

We have offered contact every day with the mum as per child’s wishes and the court guidelines. Mum has refused to message back when we have asked if she’d like a call, and has ignored multiple evening phone calls all week. Hurtful and a horrible thing to do, but DSS has completely shrugged it off. He has not asked to contact his mum since we first had him on Friday, but we have encouraged him to do so.

DP has been doing school work this week online as DS has been homeschooling. Again, he’s been absolutely great and got on with school work well And enjoyed himself, it’s been a nice opportunity for them to bond over schooling (mum has often been controlling with school too, not allowing him to attend parents evening or school plays and telling his son not to look or acknowledge his dad when he has attended such events - just for example). On Wednesday we noticed that all his school work was disappearing off the school App which we was uploading, and all the new stuff that his teachers were sending through were being marked down as completed, his name had been changed to one that wasn’t his surname (she refuses to call him by his dads name - she scribbles it off his school bag and school work frequently). Basically, his mum has been checking the school app and deleting every bit of work that DSS has spent so much time on this week so it doesn’t reach the school, I’m assuming that it’s because she wants to do it with her and not dad.

My partner was furious and called the school to explain the situation and they have resolved it by going through email.

So not only has she refused to talk to her son she has been blocking his schoolwork And school communication from her child to her teacher and to the school simply because dad is doing this work with with him.

Yesterday (Thursday) was a different story. We finally heard back off her. My partner had to go back in to work after having some time off with DDS to tie things up before he left For Christmas. I am working from home, so was happy to have him here and finish school off with him and keep him entertained for the day. Mum messaged finally asking to speak to her son NOW and that she wanted him returned home. My partner gently reminded that he will be dropped off Monday first thing when isolation ends, told her that DSS was fine and happy but that he was unavailable to talk at the minute but could call later. She was having none of it, messaging all day and calling threats. Partner messaged again that his son wasn’t available to talk (partner was not home of course at the time of message) and that he will get his son to call her at 5pm and if she is not available to take the call, he will make sure his phone is on so she can call back at a time that suits afterwards. Then she said she rang the police and reported him for refusing to let her speak to his son.

The harassment continued for the rest of the day. My partner had a really bad working day yesterday, his work has lapsed due to having a few days off to stay at home with DSS and was close to tears himself, I don’t think her messages and threats were helping. Then his car broke down on the way home

He asked at 5pm if she would like a call - and I offered to let his son call her off my phone as he couldn’t get home and had to wait for recovery. She ignored the message About the call but was still harassing him with hurtful texts.

She finally tried ringing to speak to DSS between 7-9pm when his son was in bed. He was still waiting for recovery and trying to figure out what wrong with his car, had a few visits off the police asking if he was okay etc etc at this time so he ignored the calls. He messaged later explaining his son was in bed now and he had offered multiple times this evening for a chance for her to speak to him, and again all this week he’s been trying to get in contact with her. He also told her at the minute he was dealing with an emergency and not to message anymore. She got been angrier then, and went as far as reporting MY own child to the police for breaking covid policy because she was at her dads house (my DD does not have to isolate so we have done nothing wrong there and I know it’s a pointless threat). She also said that he doesn’t get to choose the time of the call, it’s her who gets to choose and she wanted to speak to him now. It’s been constant games with her not answering her sons calls just because she didn’t make the decision to call, childish games when we have offered to try and make this amicable and arrange a mutual call between them. The courts are going to be pissed at this and it makes my partner look bad that he can’t work this out between them.

He offered a phone call this morning but it was her partner who finally answered the phone. A very painful ten minute phone call of mainly her boyfriend speaking to DSS and his mum only saying a few words. Absolutely nothing asking how he is etc etc. His son told them about the things the elf has been up to, and about his advent calendar and all she said was “well our elf has been doing this” “well at our house you have loads of chocolate” etc etc like it was some competition.

My heart breaks for his son. He is such a sweet little boy and we feel that we try so hard to give a stable home for him and encourage his happiness, my partner bites his lip with every hurtful action or communication between himself and DSS mum but she used his son as a weapon and it’s evident. I know DSS is very resilient to it all and is happy - apart from the not answering the phone he has been pretty oblivious to her anger this week. I feel so sad for him my heart weeps and as a mother of my own child who has a split Family I can’t understand why she behaves that way.

We are due in court for her many breaches of the CAO this year and parental alienation which has affected his sons welfare In a couple of weeks so I know this is only going to support our case, but I don’t think any amount of court is going to make her change and it’s a s**t situation to be in. I have a feeling now that she will not let DSS come now on Christmas Day even though it’s court ordered which will be devastating. I feel like she won’t stop with her hurt, once we have gotten over one thing she tries with another. I’ve had issues with her stalking me in the past too which has stopped now as it was reported as she started turning up when I was dropping my child off at school in the mornings, but she still manages to cause trouble.

I don’t know why I’ve posted really I think I just need some kind words and a reminder to keep my head up today.

Some people appear to be lacking any comprehension here or perhaps are just wilfully misreading what the OP has said in order to pile on, cos step-mums are always in the wrong.

Everyone has latched on to the fact the boy's mum was asked to call back later, claiming the dad was being controlling. It quite clearly says in OP's posts, the reason for this was the fact dad was at work and not with the child at that time. His car then broke down and he suggested mum try the OP's phone, absolutely no refusal for her to speak to her son. It just wasn't physically possible for it to be done on the dad's phone. The mum refused this. As she'd refused numerous other chances to speak to her son during the week.

What about all the other times dad offered calls and mum refused them? Please explain how multiple offers is controlling?

There seems to be a refusal here to accept a mum can be an arse for no good reason. So, they have to blame dad, even though he sounds pretty reasonable.

@TheBadElfParade what are the usual arrangements for care of your stepson?

This is a 6 of one, half a dozen of the other situation.

With the exception of the school work - a weird thing to do, possibly more to it? Tech failure? - there is wrong on both sides.

The decision on where the child isolated should have been made by the parents. It is certainly not your judgment, OP, as to who may or may not be vulnerable in someone else’s household. In particular, as children are generally deemed not vulnerable, you are making decisions about a child who’s medical history you are not party to. Why is that your decision to make?

Communication between parent and child should be open although I accept there is a fine line between open and intrusive. I feel, quite sure, OP, if the ex demanded you only call at 5pm, you would have something to say about it.

The school stuff is ridiculous - the father needs to develop his own relationship with them and ensure he is sent notices etc. He is entitled to attend parents evening as a parent with PR. The school k ow that. His ex doesn’t get a say in it. Saying she has stopped him going basically means she has received the communication and not passed it on. They’re not together. She can take the view she is not his secretary and he can do what he wants. Sure, it would be better for them to communicate but schools will see parents separate here necessary. It doesn’t need to be a problem.

If you are due in court soon, you have played into her hands,

We was in a difficult situation where we knew the law states that child needed to stay here, but was unsure what was best for all so we decided mutually that we could give son preference if he wanted as we wouldn’t want to do wrong by upsetting him if he didn’t want to stay.

Thats not what the law states. Again, it wasn't your decision to make, and it certainly shouldn't have been put on a 7 year old child.

As for deleting all his work, are you absolutely sure thats what happened? How do you know that unless she actually told you thats what she did?

Technical fault

Yes absolutely sure she deleted the work. Any comments his son has made to her teacher she has also deleted and ‘counter’ commented something similar but in her works. She’s Previously scribbled comments out to the school which her father has made in his reading record, ripped out pages in the communication book etc etc, it’s her typical behaviour.

As per keeping hold of his son we were advised to by legal. As per the comment about her having a vulnerable person in the house, it was the mother who first claimed this and has used this excuse over the course of the year. As per the comments over us ‘only letting him call at 5pm,’ you haven’t read this through properly as my comments clearly state the mother has had access to call her son at all times all week, apart from one single time when it wasn’t convenient. She just chose not to.

As per school the school won’t offer seperate parents evenings even after him trying to explain the situation, he’s had to arrange seperate phone-call etc but the point I’m trying to make here is that any sort of parenting he tries to do, she is certain to make sure she puts all her effort in to make sure it’s jeopardised. My partner fights an endless fight to stay in his life and be the parent he needs to be - you know all those times mothers say ‘father needs to step up?’ Well sometimes it’s not so easy when you have a mother who is that controlling and selfish over her child that it harms them. He spent 9 months trying to fight access to his son after he left her too - she would not let him or his family see his child which speaks volumes. He’s come a long way here to give his son the two parents he rightfully deserves but she’s still trying. This is the one of the many reasons I fell in love with him, he’s a great dad and he shows it every single day with his efforts. She’s witheld him multiple times over this year, tried to cut down his sons time with him over the school holidays, has forced his son not to call his dad ‘Dad’ to the point where he was scared of her and wetting the bed, kept his son in the car away from home long for him to wet himself when handover to my partner was due just so she could find out where I live... the list is endless. A lot of men would give up. Her first child’s dad did.

I feel Ive fallen in to the trap of over explaining myself on here so I’ll stop at that but I’ll take the comments here from people who are defending the mother and who don’t fully understand the situation with a pinch of salt, I know there’s always people who think mother is best and father is always in the wrong no matter what he does.

Thank you for all the kind comments too, it’s nice to receive them and it’s made me feel much better, particularly with our court date coming up over her many breaches from over this year.

@TheBadElfParade don't bother trying to justify yourself on here, just because people hold a belief doesn't mean it's true. As long as your own conscience is genuinely satisfied that you've done the right thing that is all that matters.

It's all about what the mother wants - sod the fact we're in a pandemic! Just imagine for a moment that you posted exactly the same scenario except the mother didn't want her son back from contact because she had a vulnerable child at home and it was your DH pushing to send him back. Fuck me the replies would be brutal about how he's breaking the covid rules, he can't wait to get rid of his son after contact, you're pushing his son out because you want to play happy families with your DH and DD, what about the poor vulnerable child at mum's blah blah.

Ignore the batshittery on here. You won't win.

Thank you @MyCatHatesEverybody

God knows what it would have been like if the mother had decided to keep him, as she has done three times this year due to covid. I’m sure the law would trump over the CAO then.

As per keeping hold of his son we were advised to by legal
Why going to that extent. Mum wanted him home. The issue of breaking the rules was in her hands, so why fight it?

As per the comment about her having a vulnerable person in the house, it was the mother who first claimed this and has used this excuse over the course of the year
So that's what it was all about. She stopped contact in the first lockdown so he wanted to teach her lesson and show her what it was lack to find herself without control.

This is not about bashing SM. It's nothing to do with OP, she'd done nothing wrong and has looked after the child when his father had to go to the office. It's not about glorifying mum either, she sounds like some piece of work, but it's becoming more and more obvious that OP's OH behaviour is not much better than his mum, but OP just can't see it.

"Ignore the batshittery on here. You won't win."

This! In spades!!

A reminder to some people on her the step parenting forum is for support not to be picked apart.

A reminder to some people on her the step parenting forum is for support not to be picked apart
And SMs and their OH are not full proof of sometimes getting it wrong.

I've never seen a group so convinced they are always right.

In this case, a number of posters think the dad acted wrongly. It's not being batshit, it's sometimes being able to see the situation more objectively when you are not emotionally involved.

Rubbish! I am both an ex wife and step mum so I am not stuck in a definite group thank you very much!

The mum is clearly batshit.
Deleting the kids home work scribbling over the Dad's comments in the reading book.
Totally unhinged!
To try your best to ignore the mums behaviour and try and see something that isn't there with the Dad's behaviour is ridiculous!
The op came on for support not to be picked apart.
I have never seen people so intent on creating something out of nothing in regards to step mums constantly picking apart anything they can trying to demonize the ex partner.
It's not something people suffering with a nutjob ex need, they need support.
It's draining and upsetting to have to deal with anyway they don't need "know it alls" piling on them.
As I said OP asked for support!
It's what this sites for so leave off.

I've never seen a group so convinced they are always right.

And I've never seen another board attract so many people with zero first hand experience of the issues in question jumping on purely to project their own issues with their shit exes or own step parents.

A poster's own DC having a step mum, or being a step DC themselves, gives them no more insight into the unique dynamics step parents struggle with any more than I, as a childless woman, would deem that I knew exactly how parents feel just because I'm somebody's child and have watched and helped my DH parent his DC.

And I've never seen another board attract so many people with zero first hand experience of the issues in question jumping on purely to project their own issues with their shit exes or own step parents
Actually it's the opposite, posters are bring challenged in most threads, it's oy here that raising even a slight different perspective (not even accusing the OP of any wrong doing) gets a massive defensive response.

As for saying that you have to be a SM to have a say in the matter, is it the same for all the threads about teachers? Should parents never be entitled to consider that attached is not handling a situation as best as they could because they have no experience of teaching and therefore can't have any view on the matter?

Oh no, teachers, doctors, grandparents can all be challenged, but SMs: never because they can't do any wrong ever!

I'm also not a SP!

However, I have seen how crazily parents can behave once they spit up!

From everything the OP has written (and had to explain several times...), I think the child's mother is the one in the wrong here. She does seem to have lost sight of the child's needs in all this.

But the one thing I would change is the parents evening and school plays thing. I think he may need to be more assertive about these. My DSs' primary absolutely did 2 sessions if need be at parents evening; and were clued up about the 'snapping up' of tickets by vindictive separated parents.

Good luck, it sounds exhausting.

@dontdisturbmenow what is different between this and other support boards such as Relationships is that you see the OP on other boards being robustly challenged and asked to consider their perspective on xyz issue, but on Step parenting what happens is that certain posters will always start from a position that the OP and NRP are the ones in the wrong, they'll refuse to take anything the OP says at face value and
will bombard them with irrelevant questions such as were you the OW intent on confirming their prejudice against step parents/NRPs.

Such posters will also go to extraordinary lengths to side with the Ex in a way that you don't see elsewhere e.g.

Relationships board:
Q. My ex is making my life hell - A. He's a bastard, let's help you deal with this situation

Step Parenting board:
Q. The ex is making my life hell - A. What did you do to provoke her? Did you have an affair? Your DP is probably lying to you about her. She must be having a tough time.

As for your example about teachers, those threads don't tend to go well either...

Its certainly not batshit when quite a few posters are saying the same thing

And there’s an entire thread in the step parenting board from, y’know, step parents all saying they feel constantly attacked and unsupported on the part of the site that’s supposed to offer them support. Yet quite a few of us saying the same thing doesn’t seem to hold much weight does it?

(Before anyone says we’re closed to contrary opinions, there is no circumstance under which such gems as “you knew what you were getting into” or “what if they were your own children” is ever helpful or constructive).

Such posters will also go to extraordinary lengths to side with the Ex in a way that you don't see elsewhere e.g
I agree but that's not the case here. Not one person has said the ex was in the right except for pointing out that the rules were that the child should have isolate with, where there seem to be different legal views on.

I said the mother was in the wrong, so certainly not defending her, just that I thought the father was in the wrong too. That's not bashing the SM at all.

Say, even when there is no bashing the SM or questioning her intentions, past etc... the moment you suggest that maybe matters are not best handled, you get defensiveness and accusations.

With the exception of the school work - a weird thing to do, possibly more to it? Tech failure?

Fuck me, do you want any more straws to clutch?

Mmmm, a quote followed by both parties bring wrong, how is that defending the ex.

Yet it only took a bit overone page, and very mild language to have the usual reference to the 'ex wife club' just because someone dared raising the question as to whether OP and her OH actions were also in the child best interest.

Been there op. You have my sympathy.

The quickest win here is to limit communication. Theres far too much of it between you all and it gives her opportunities.

Cut contact with her right down to the minimum and only ever message about the child. If she messages anything else, especially abusive or harassing them save it but don't reply.

If she can't get a response for an argument there's no argument she can have.

My husbands ex learnt this the hard way. Sometimes it's the only way to be