Mother constantly causing issues

[TheBadElfParade]

We’re having a right hard time of it all due to DSS’s mum. Quite frankly she’s being nightmare. Apologies for the long rant, I just need to offload.

Due to circumstances DSD is isolating with us at his dads. In summary, DSS received a letter from school saying he had been in close contact with a positive person whilst he was with us for the weekend. Mum was adamant that DSS didn’t need to isolate even after we tried to explain that he needed to isolate for 10 days. We pointed her to the government guidelines and said we would seek legal advice to see what the best situation is and get back to her but it wasn’t up for discussion with her, due to some advice and deliberation what was best for DSS, Dp decided to keep his son here for the remainder of the isolation (mum wanted to us to return him after 3 days and not isolate him regardless of the letter to do so, there is also a medically vulnerable child involved at mums house, we asked DSS where he wanted to isolate etc and he was happy to stay for the remainder of the week etc etc). So we did this much to his mums dislike - she is a very controlling person so the relationship between my DP and her has been stressful, particularly regarding communication. We try our best to keep the peace, we live in a very drama free household as I prefer to keep peace and my life and my relationships this way, but this is the only person in our lives who is adamant to keep some sort of wreckage within our lives.

DSS has been happy and brilliant this week, apart from having some mild tummy upset between him and myself.

We have offered contact every day with the mum as per child’s wishes and the court guidelines. Mum has refused to message back when we have asked if she’d like a call, and has ignored multiple evening phone calls all week. Hurtful and a horrible thing to do, but DSS has completely shrugged it off. He has not asked to contact his mum since we first had him on Friday, but we have encouraged him to do so.

DP has been doing school work this week online as DS has been homeschooling. Again, he’s been absolutely great and got on with school work well And enjoyed himself, it’s been a nice opportunity for them to bond over schooling (mum has often been controlling with school too, not allowing him to attend parents evening or school plays and telling his son not to look or acknowledge his dad when he has attended such events - just for example). On Wednesday we noticed that all his school work was disappearing off the school App which we was uploading, and all the new stuff that his teachers were sending through were being marked down as completed, his name had been changed to one that wasn’t his surname (she refuses to call him by his dads name - she scribbles it off his school bag and school work frequently). Basically, his mum has been checking the school app and deleting every bit of work that DSS has spent so much time on this week so it doesn’t reach the school, I’m assuming that it’s because she wants to do it with her and not dad.

My partner was furious and called the school to explain the situation and they have resolved it by going through email.

So not only has she refused to talk to her son she has been blocking his schoolwork And school communication from her child to her teacher and to the school simply because dad is doing this work with with him.

Yesterday (Thursday) was a different story. We finally heard back off her. My partner had to go back in to work after having some time off with DDS to tie things up before he left For Christmas. I am working from home, so was happy to have him here and finish school off with him and keep him entertained for the day. Mum messaged finally asking to speak to her son NOW and that she wanted him returned home. My partner gently reminded that he will be dropped off Monday first thing when isolation ends, told her that DSS was fine and happy but that he was unavailable to talk at the minute but could call later. She was having none of it, messaging all day and calling threats. Partner messaged again that his son wasn’t available to talk (partner was not home of course at the time of message) and that he will get his son to call her at 5pm and if she is not available to take the call, he will make sure his phone is on so she can call back at a time that suits afterwards. Then she said she rang the police and reported him for refusing to let her speak to his son.

The harassment continued for the rest of the day. My partner had a really bad working day yesterday, his work has lapsed due to having a few days off to stay at home with DSS and was close to tears himself, I don’t think her messages and threats were helping. Then his car broke down on the way home

He asked at 5pm if she would like a call - and I offered to let his son call her off my phone as he couldn’t get home and had to wait for recovery. She ignored the message About the call but was still harassing him with hurtful texts.

She finally tried ringing to speak to DSS between 7-9pm when his son was in bed. He was still waiting for recovery and trying to figure out what wrong with his car, had a few visits off the police asking if he was okay etc etc at this time so he ignored the calls. He messaged later explaining his son was in bed now and he had offered multiple times this evening for a chance for her to speak to him, and again all this week he’s been trying to get in contact with her. He also told her at the minute he was dealing with an emergency and not to message anymore. She got been angrier then, and went as far as reporting MY own child to the police for breaking covid policy because she was at her dads house (my DD does not have to isolate so we have done nothing wrong there and I know it’s a pointless threat). She also said that he doesn’t get to choose the time of the call, it’s her who gets to choose and she wanted to speak to him now. It’s been constant games with her not answering her sons calls just because she didn’t make the decision to call, childish games when we have offered to try and make this amicable and arrange a mutual call between them. The courts are going to be pissed at this and it makes my partner look bad that he can’t work this out between them.

He offered a phone call this morning but it was her partner who finally answered the phone. A very painful ten minute phone call of mainly her boyfriend speaking to DSS and his mum only saying a few words. Absolutely nothing asking how he is etc etc. His son told them about the things the elf has been up to, and about his advent calendar and all she said was “well our elf has been doing this” “well at our house you have loads of chocolate” etc etc like it was some competition.

My heart breaks for his son. He is such a sweet little boy and we feel that we try so hard to give a stable home for him and encourage his happiness, my partner bites his lip with every hurtful action or communication between himself and DSS mum but she used his son as a weapon and it’s evident. I know DSS is very resilient to it all and is happy - apart from the not answering the phone he has been pretty oblivious to her anger this week. I feel so sad for him my heart weeps and as a mother of my own child who has a split Family I can’t understand why she behaves that way.

We are due in court for her many breaches of the CAO this year and parental alienation which has affected his sons welfare In a couple of weeks so I know this is only going to support our case, but I don’t think any amount of court is going to make her change and it’s a s**t situation to be in. I have a feeling now that she will not let DSS come now on Christmas Day even though it’s court ordered which will be devastating. I feel like she won’t stop with her hurt, once we have gotten over one thing she tries with another. I’ve had issues with her stalking me in the past too which has stopped now as it was reported as she started turning up when I was dropping my child off at school in the mornings, but she still manages to cause trouble.

I don’t know why I’ve posted really I think I just need some kind words and a reminder to keep my head up today.

Nothing either of you will do is right, she is the sort of person who is out to create issues and dramas and is trying to control your lives. If you had sent DSS home you would have been irresponsible as she has a vulnerable child there. DH Ex is similar, I really recommend you read the book ‘say goodbye to crazy’. It’s very eye opening and has really helped me understand better. I feel a lot calmer when these situations happen now. You and DH need to form a united front and block as much of this from your lives as possible.

Oh and ignore the comments from people saying you and DH are in the wrong keeping him there etc. People who have zero experience of totally uncooperative and obstructive Ex’s love to put their 2pence in.

OP, you are being a wonderful step mum. Your DSS is lucky to have you. I am a teacher too and I have seen some mothers who are desperate to control the contact between fathers and children. I have also seen more cases going to court over parental alienation.
Your step son will be so grateful for the normality you bring to his life as he grows up.

I feel really sorry for the child. All the adults who should have his best interests at heart are playing the 'I'm the best parent game'. It is really awful
Totally agree. Sadly, when this happens, both parties are so focus on proving that the other is an evil parent that they can't see how destructive their own behaviour is.

The child should have been asked who he wanted to stay with when mum clearly expected him back home. This is manipulative the same as she would be if she said that the child wouldn't go to be with hisdad if one weekend he decided to stay with mum because mum promised to take him to his favourite place.

Offering specific times when she could call is extremely controlling. She should be able to call whenever she wants, being at a reasonable time and not 3 times a day especially considering this was a time he would otherwise be with her.

You don't see it OP but your/your OH behaviour is manipulative and controlling. You think you are doing for the best of your SS and that the mother is alienating him, but you can bet she thinks exactly the same of you and your OH.

And indeed, there is the child stuck in the middle.

Op you clearly do not see it but reading your posts you come across controlling and you seem to be just as bad. I wonder what your reaction would be if your ex kept your daughter for the next ten days to isolate.

Both are parents, the mother sounds awful. The OP's DSS chose to isolate at his father's. You do not sound the slightest bit controlling OP.
Your DSS is lucky to have you. You are doing a great job!

@dontdisturbmenow
Read the post properly. He was asked who he wanted to stay with.

Why couldn’t the DSS just chat to his mum when she called ? Instead of waiting til 5pm.

Could of just used your phone.

I’d be fuming if my ex just decided to keep our child to isolate.

Asking a 7 year old the very loaded question of would you rather stay here for your isolation rather than go home as usual on Monday is very poor. You should have sent him back to his mothers as per the agreement. When she wanted to speak to him during the day, why did your partner tell her he was unavailable and she had to wait until 5pm? He wasn't unavailable, he was at home self isolating with you. This is about control and this is part of the reason why I think this poor 7 year old is being used as a pawn in the 'best parent' game. Undoubtedly his mum plays this game too. I think you should all have a look at your own behaviour.

I see the first wives club has arrived! The projection is strong.

Op she sounds like a nightmare, I think your partner needs to seriously think about his sons future if he is left with the mother, maybe he should be pushing to be primary carer.

Who the fuck deletes their child's school work? You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all, at a push I would say your partner could of been more flexible when she wanted to talk to their son, but after being given so many opportunity's which she turned down, I can appreciate that being harassed by her at work, was just bad timing, and he couldn't fully engage, and why should he? She doesn't get to demand and have everyone jumping to her tune when she CBA to speak to him at any other time.

Given that I am not married and have been with the same partner for over 20 years and he also has no children from a previous relationship, I don't really see myself as being part of this club. I have however witnessed this time and time again as a teacher. Parents constantly playing games to prove themselves better than the other party, kids not wanting to upset either parent in the middle.

Please read this thread properly I think a lot of you aren’t understanding the situation. He wasn’t at home isolating with us, Only the child has to isolate as per law. He has been at home all week but had to go in to work this one day and was getting bollocked at the time She was trying to call off his boss for staying home with his son the days before. As I’ve explained, he was receiving abuse off the mother at the time he was with his boss, and he explained to her (in a reasonable and polite manner) that it was an inappropriate time and that he will get her to call in a few hours when he was available to. He had a lot to deal with, and as he had been trying to get his mum to answer the phone to speak to her own child every day with her choosing to ignore the calls (she was messaging abuse at the time of the calls so she was available at all times to speak to her child, she just chose not to.)

When that few hours came as promised, He was on his way home and his car broke down, so we offered to call of my phone as an alternate arrangement. She rejected this offer and continued to message nasty stuff to my partner instead.

By the time she decided to stop being childish and just call, The child was in bed. Her last call attempt was just after 9pm I believe, I put his son to bed at 7pm because he was tired and we was both feeling a bit ropey.

My partner has been trying to encourage and sort this phone call out ALL week, and she’s been ignoring the offer when he’s text her multiple times ‘would you like a phone call’ but instead avoiding the offer texting him abuse instead. Then when he’s tried ringing, she’s been deliberately not answering these calls.

She even text stating that “he doesn’t decide when she can speak to her son, she does” admitting that she was just being awkward because she wanted control of the situation and not my partner.

“Control” is two different things here to two different people. control in her eyes it’s her ‘winning one over’ on my partner. My partner trying to call is simply trying to get in contact with the mother because he has a responsibility and it’s the morally right and adult thing to do. That’s the reality. But My partner trying to call from her eyes is him “winning”. She wants to be difficult. This is what we have been dealing with for years - she HAS to be the one in control, at all times, and goes seven shades of crazy to make sure he does not have any sort of control at anytime, to the extent she will ignore her sons calls just because she was the one who didn’t make the decision to call. It’s game playing from her end, not from us.

I hope that clears things up a bit.

We have been more than fair and more than reasonable with all this and I stand by myself and my DP that we are doing right, and that we always have, and always will, have this childs interests in the forefront. That’s not my partner being controlling and manipulative. It’s being a good father and trying his best in all situations, no matter how difficult they are when you have someone who is constantly trying to penalise him, whatever his actions.

I have an amicable relationship with my own child’s father who is married and have a child of their own. Although we disagree at times, We know how to both act accordingly to our child’s wellbeing. We do not game play. Neither do I encourage this with my DPs son, but what do you do when someone else continues to game play against your wishes? You have to try your best don’t you?

If my child dad said he was isolating my own child for a week, I would be okay with it as long as my child was happy to stay there. I’d do this because the other parent is an equal. He’s equally important to my child and can equally look after her. I have this outlook even though I don’t necessarily like the man. That does not change my opinion. My priority is my child’s wellbeing and I understand my child will be looked after In whichever parents care it falls upon. Father can look after child just as much as mother can. In the same light, if I asked to speak to my child and he said that it wasn’t a good time because of valid reasons I would just accept it and take up the later offer. It’s not a massive issue and I trust my child to be safe in his care.

It’s the same outlook in DPs situation. Even though we do not like her, we understand both parents are important in her life, so in this respect we are trying our best.

Read the post properly. He was asked who he wanted to stay with.
And when mums ask their kids if they want to go with their dad on weekends, there's uproar that kids, even teenagers shouldn't get to be given a choice and rightly so.

This shouldn't come into it and neither that there is a vulnerable child at mum's home. That's for her to assess the risk, not you OP.

Also, you say that it came out that the child needed to isolate over the weekend, but you say the school isn't in contact with your oh because of her, so how did he get to know about it?

I don't think you are controlling OP, I think you are alive by SM, but I think your OH is very much so but you are too in love to see it.

My partner does receive communication by the school via email, but other things such as his homework app etc is controlled by her.

School plays she has previously bought all tickets available for the son and stood by the door with the lady with the list checking parents in to make sure he doesn’t come in!

Parents evening the same, she’s gone through many lengths to make sure he can’t attend.

You get the jist.

I don’t see asking the child if he is happy with staying or would like to be going back to his mums controlling. We was in a difficult situation where we knew the law states that child needed to stay here, but was unsure what was best for all so we decided mutually that we could give son preference if he wanted as we wouldn’t want to do wrong by upsetting him if he didn’t want to stay.

I’d do the same with my child tbh.

We treat our children like they are human beings and are regularly encourage them to feel comfortable expressing their own thoughts and preferences over things. Asking his son wasn’t a pressured incident, he was absolutely over the moon he had an opportunity to stay, has not been distressed over having to isolate (he was more bothered about not seeing his friends at school tbh!) and he has not once asked to call his mother or said that he has missed her etc. However, as I said before we have tried to encourage him to phone call

OP - you have done the right thing.. as ever in the step parent topic .. the first wives club have decided to pile in and ignore the batshit behaviour.. (deleting school work for starters) ... in the mistaken belief that 'being mother' gives them an inalienable right NOT to put their child first..

Keep doing what you are doing..

BTW do first wives haunt this topic simply to project? I find this really really sad... they need to move on for the sake of the children involved.

@Trickyboy totally agree with you. Quite how you can ignore the absolutely mental behaviour of deleting school work and call the Op and her DP controlling is beyond me.

If she has primary care he should have gone home to isolate especially if there is a cao. Its not the child's decision and it wasn't your call. I also dont get why you waited with the phone calls.

I think this will go against you in court.

All the apps are usually registered with the parent the child lives with. And if dad really wants attend and school event it’s fairly easy to circumvent dc’s mum by going straight to the school and getting tickets there or arranging his own time for parents evening. Dc’s mum shouldn’t be deleting school work, that’s just petty. That being said, it wasn’t your call to keep dc. You should have sent him home as per CAO.

You and your dp sound as controlling her. Its not your cal to keep him with you because there is a vulnerable child at his mothers, she is resident parent. Asking a child where they would rather do their isolation is really unfair. His mother should be able to contact him without being told he is unavailable.
Going for full custody? Why do you think you would even have a chance of that?
You can try and portray yourself as the reasonable party here, but your not at all.

Oh and fwiw I am not a step mother, I have children with only my partner and we are still together. If I did have step children I would never tell their mother I wasn't returning them for 10 days. Of course she was pissed off!

And I certainly wouldn't be encouraging their father to keep them away from their mum for a 10 day isolation. Infact I would be really pissed off if he made that decision and went against their mothers wishes. You both used the child as a pawn im your games.

I would be absolutely furious if my DS’s father had decided to keep him for 10 days to self-isolate.... regardless of covid or no covid.
However your DSS’s mum sounds batshit deleting his school work? It’s all so petty x

I agree with MorningNinja, there is way too much "being the best parent" going on, with the poor dc stuck in the middle.

Children like to please their parents and so will say anything to avoid causing hurt to the parent who is in the room. Access agreements should be adhered to because it avoids the child having to chose. In this circumstance the dc needed to isolate so fair enough to stay in one house but should go home as soon as isolation is finished.

Op, this is for your dp to sort with his ex. They are the ones with parental responsibility. It is not your issue and your involvement is only going to exacerbate things with the mother. Best not to get involved.

Your dss should never have been put in the position of having to chose. Telling him that he wouldn't be in trouble for choosing plants the seed that the decision he makes could be the wrong one, he just won't get into trouble for it.

Absolutely agree you put your DSS in an awful position letting him choose, and used covid as an excuse for control over his resident parent. He should've gone home as per the CO. Also controlling when his mum can speak to him is out of order. What she did with his uploaded schoolwork was petty though. Poor little lad having adults pull him from both sides like that.