Christmas presents.. step kids

[Kel9]

So how do you all work the Christmas present situation with a blended family?

We have had a few years practise but it’s bloody hard going especially as they get older.

My ss comes for the morning so the boys can open there presents together, this year my ss is getting a new iPhone which is a shared gift between my oh and his mum.

Now my oh is feeling bad as he won’t have the same gifts as my son because of the cost of the phone. He wants to buy more which is entirely up to him. How do you regulate this? What do you guys do?

I’m not sure you can regulate the guilt driven impulses of an NRP.

If the boy is old enough for an iPhone, he’s old enough to appreciate that it’s a massive present and to realise this means there won’t be much else to open. But getting his dad to recognize that might not be as straightforward as it should be.

I’d leave him to it.

This is why I don't do shared gifts with my ex. Dd has presents from me and then from her dad. Only once we went half on a laptop - but even that caused issues.

Yep same with me. I get my own for my son and his dad does the same.

Agree with PP. Any child old enough for an iPhone for Christmas is old enough to understand they might not get much else to open.

We did this for a nearly teen last year. Got them a hugely expensive computer. They didn't have much else to open because their present was nearly £1,000!! I'm not spending more than that just so they have the exact same amount of wrapped presents that would be silly.

I leave the presents for the SC up to their Dad.

Our daughter is much younger than them (3 vs 15 & 17) so their presents are very different and it’s difficult for them to compare how much has been spent as their requested presents are naturally more expensive.

I agree with @KumquatSalad - you probably can’t regulate the guilt driven impulses of a NRP so probably best leave him to it.

I agree with PPs, any child old enough for an iphone should be old enough to understand the value of different items. If he isn't mature enough for that I doubt he's mature enough to have a smart phone either.

He’s not mature enough for a phone but that’s for another thread 😂 I’ve kept my mouth shut on that one.

Speaking as a step mum, a bio mum and a mum who shares custody with an ex. I am coming from all sides when I say, that from now on for my family presents are got for the children who are waking up here xmas morning only! If they are at their other parents xmas morning then xmas is their responsibility.

Before you lose your mind, let me explain why... for years i have done it the other way....

My ex and i share xmas with my DD she has two full blown xmas days every year, one with each parent.

My husband shares 2 sons with his xwife, they also get two full blown xmas days each year, one with each parent. I'd also point out that my husband pays an enormous amount of maintence and whether people "agree" or not, legally maint does include a provision for xmas presents.

My husband and i then have 3 children together. Who get one xmas day! One! Not only that but every other year they have had to "postpone" their one xmas day to wait for the others, to come on boxing day.

My DD gets presents from me, her stepdad, her dad and his GF, thats 4 parents all buying her presents, double the amount and double the xmas.

Same with my stepsons!

My sons just have 2 parents, one xmas day, ultimately, its not "equal" when the kids who's parents are separated are getting far far more, than the kids who's parents are still together.

The older children are all also teens.

I've put my foot down this year as my 6 year old KNOW's when xmas day is, he's been asking echo to countdown every single day and he will know its xmas morning, but my step sons are with their mum and my daughter is with her dad for xmas day this year and not coming to us until late boxing day. they will definitely get a few small gifts, but that's it. They had their xmas with their other parent, they HAVE been spoilt rotten already.

A couple of years ago i was so upset when i realized that my step son, who turned up at our house in £180 pair of trainers, with dr dre beats headphones, talking about his new gaming laptop, with his freshly permed hair and designer gear went mental at my husband for treating his "step daughter better" because we'd got her a (second hand) xbox 1 and not got him something of the same value (as a brand new one).

At the end of the day the kids should be treated the same... one set getting two xmas' and double the amount of present from double the amount of parents while the other set of kids gets half.... is not treating them the same.

And as i have witnessed, it just makes for very spoilt and ungrateful kids.

How do you regulate this? What do you guys do?

We don't compete.

SC has been told we don't buy expensive presents for Christmas.

If they get loads of stuff from other family members and their mum fine, as my LO gets presents from my family and close friends.

Not only that but every other year they have had to "postpone" their one xmas day to wait for the others, to come on boxing day.

To hell with that. When I had our daughter I made it extremely clear to my DH that I wouldn’t be postponing Christmas Day if his kids were elsewhere that day. They just have to play catch-up with their present opening as and when they get to ours.

There’s no way anyone is being made to postpone anything here either.

Even my DH (who can be incredibly myopic where the SDC are concerned) said ‘I guess everyone will be opening their presents at different times’ since DS is here on Christmas morning, and the DSC aren’t coming here til the afternoon. I did say that it wouldn’t be fair to make DS wait, especially when the DSC will be opening about 4000 presents each from the instant they wake up at their mum’s house (just in case he was about to try to persuade me that anyone should wait - as I said, he often needs a bit of help to see that his DC are not the centre of the entire universe). DS is going to his dad’s until just before we eat our Christmas dinner, so he’ll not even be here while the DSC open theirs.

That’s just how things work in blended families. You can’t all be the same, because there are other parents and houses and Christmases in play.

One of the saddest things DH ever told me about his life growing up is this:
“I knew when i went to my dads house on Boxing Day that he wouldn’t be giving me half as much as mum did and it made me love him less”
He now has the same fear with DSD, who’s present pile at her mums is something unseen this side of ecclestone empire, but we refuse to get drawn in to her mothers competitive gifting.
It so bloody sad to teach kids that stuff = love. I felt so sad for little DH thinking his dad must not love him that much either
MIL is very chippy that DH and his dad now have a better relationship than she does with him. Some things you can’t buy.

We always spent the same more or less on the main present for step kids and our kids.

Step kids always stayed with mum Christmas day and us boxing day so they got presents from mum and mum did santa for them.

We did santa for our kids.
Santa and main presents opened by ours with us on Xmas day but some presents (ie aunties and uncles kept back for boxing day when step kids were with us so they still had something to look forward to.

My step children always split a valuable present between their parents and it's always the ex wife who gets to give it to them.

So to make up for it my husband buys a load of presents, and a stocking and my MIL buys a stocking as well.

Normally by December the following year there's confectionary in drawers that is beyond its best before date and piles of stuff from Tiger store etc that hasn't been out of the packaging.

A few years ago we tested the kids by giving them half the stuff they'd never touched back to them in their stocking. They didn't notice

I buy my dc gifts I think they will like. They usually have roughly the same number of things to open, but not necessarily equal value. Some years they’re with me the week of Christmas, and their respective dads for a week at New Years, then alternate years we swap. So they also get another set of gifts either early or late, and mine not always on the 25th.
The only time I was properly annoyed was ds2’s dad spending ridiculous amounts on presents (like an Apple Watch AND an Xbox) while failing to pay his maintenance.
I don’t do joint presents.

Not sure of their ages but would avoid big present opening together if this is an issue.

Only one of your SS’s parents can be with him when he opens the phone so better if it’s his mum this time.

My partners children come to us Boxing Day so opening isn’t an issue. I leave presents for them up to their dad unless he asks me to order something for him. My children get all their presents from me and my family, their dad lives miles away, gets them a single gift at Christmas and they don’t see him or his family. There are so many imbalances I’m not worried about fair, we just do what we’re comfortable with.

I’m a stepparent so can understand dynamics posters are speaking about here. But I don’t see why being in a blended family should impact this OP.

I grew up with parents together and we (me and sis) were always told if you receive a ‘big present’ TV, etc. then ‘that’s your lot’ in the nicest way. When we were doing gifts they would mention it. We would get some mallet things chocolates, bath stuff etc to have ‘something to open’.

*smaller

My DH has just asked me if we’ve bought enough Christmas presents. No is the answer. So far my DS has a solitary wooly hat and nothing else.

OTOH we have bought enough presents for his DC. They’ve got a switch with several games between then plus some smaller things. They’re already quite a bit over the budget per child (£200) that he set. So it’s definitely enough, even if the pile of number of packages is small.

Their mum is the queen of massive piles of tat for Christmas though. I think he’s worried they’ll think her Christmas was better because they got more stuff. That’s a rabbit hole that just isn’t worth going down though.

DC & step brothers all get double whammy at Christmas.. I buy gifts here and DC also gets gifts at Dads. Both step kids parents do the same. I have a lot less to spend so DC doesn't get the same amount of gifts or such ridiculously expensive ones like at Dads.. does DCget 'less' yes I suppose so but life isn't 'equal' so good to learn it young! I don't sweat it at all, they all get far too many presents if you ask me

My daughter gets more presents from me at Christmas and a smaller pile at her dad's... DP's kids have the same deal but the opposite way around - most of their pile at their mums, smaller volume of gifts at dad's (ie ours). So if/when there's any "comparison" taking place, we just point this out - that my DD would have a similar experience at her own dad's (ie smaller pile) hence why she gets more at mums; and they get more at mums, hence less at dads, etc ...

I should add this issue has never really come up anyway, and they're all in their teens now so don't really focus so much on quantity of presents - it's more about quality.

@LouJ85

I should add this issue has never really come up anyway, and they're all in their teens now so don't really focus so much on quantity of presents - it's more about quality.

This is really what it should always be about. That and being grateful that you get nice things.

I’d have been really unimpressed if any of my kids had been comparing numbers of presents and things like that. They’ve always been given presents specifically tailored to them as a person. There’s no point comparing the size or value of your pile to anyone else’s. I’d have told them to stop being rude, greedy and ungrateful if they moaned someone else go more than them.

I’d have told them to stop being rude, greedy and ungrateful if they moaned someone else go more than them.

So would I. In fact I wouldn't need to as DP would have said it himself.