I'm having a miscarriage.

[YoungScrappyHungry]

I've posted in the miscarriage forum, but I'm also a stepmum to 4 age 6-14 and I thought I need to reach out on here for support from those who are also stepparents.

I was 11 weeks. Dating scan was tomorrow. Started bleeding last night which got progressively worse, was advised to go to A and E, had an emergency scan which shows no heartbeat.

The Stepkids know I'm pregnant, I had severe sickness and they worked it out. They were all so excited, especially the youngest two boys. They called it sesame.

But outside of the sadness I feel in having to tell them, I also am beginning to feel resentful. We have them 40% of the time, they are due on Tuesday. I've told DH we can't have them this week and he agrees and says he will sort it, but am I being awful?
Their mum made us have them for three weeks straight because she was having an extension done so i don't really care tbf. I'll still be miscarrying, it's only just started, and I may choose to have surgery depending on how its going, so then there will be that. I'm bracing myself for their mum to be awful about it and demand we have them regardless. She doesn't care.

Being a stepparent just makes things so much harder. It gives a whole other level to the grief and heartache. How will we tell them? I don't want to, I want DH to do it, I can't handle it.

I can't stop crying. I don't just want to be a stepmum forever but right now I don't want to try again. I don't want another one. I wanted that one.

I'm so sorry you've going through this.

You're not being awful, you're being human. My heart goes out to you, I've been there and it's horrific. Care for yourself first, worry about others later. Do what you need to do to heal from this tragic experience. If their Mum is awful ignore her, to do so would be unforgiveable and nasty beyond belief ( and I'm saying that as a Mum whose DC has a step mum).

It gets easier, I promise. Time helps to heal even if it doesn't feel like it right now X

I’m so sorry you’re going through l this. FWIW it sounds like you’re a lovely step mum. Don’t worry about the ex, let your husband manage things with her and tell the children. To be such a warm step mum to 4 means you’re clearly pretty awesome so take the support you need now.

Thank you so much.
I do love and care about them very very much, we have a great relationship.

But they aren't mine. And never will be, nor would I want them to be. I want my own.

It's giving me such another level of anxiety and stress when I am already completely broken and can't stop crying.

I’m so sorry for your situation. I had similar and we had my DSC for a number of weeks. His needs are such that my DH couldn’t take over parenting our DS. It was such a crap time and I wound up in hospital for emergency surgery (ectopic). DSC’s Mum was having a baby of her own and texting to say how tough it had been on her. My DH had a really hard time getting her and her husband to agree to take DSC to theirs so he could help me.
I would leave telling your DSC to your DH and also leave the burden of contact arrangements with him too.
You need to focus on yourself now.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sorry you are going through this. I hope their mum will be understanding and respect your need to grieve peacefully with your OH.

Oh OP, my deepest sympathies

I’ve been where you are although thankfully they didn’t know I was pregnant. I made the mistake of trying to keep things “normal” whatever the fuck that meant while I was bleeding and my heart was breaking. I made bloody birthday cake after one of my mcs the day after I had surgery, don’t know what I was thinking looking back. You have to put yourself first. DH can handle his ex and supporting his DC but you need him with you while you go through this and you deserve whatever practical and emotional help you need.

Are you waiting for things to happen naturally or having medical management? Either way, if you’re in too much pain, feel ill or just can’t cope then make whatever fuss you need to to get surgery. With my first missed miscarriage I tried medical management twice trying to avoid surgery and ended up having it anyway a few days later. I was in a bad way and they’re very keen to fob you off/keep you comfy at home so keep a close eye on how things progress, take all the pain relief you need to and keep in touch with your EPU if you’re worried or scared. It’s such a nightmare to go through, I genuinely empathise more than I can tell you, and I’ll check in here in case you need to talk or I can give any help or advice. I’m so sorry x

So sorry scrappy. Don't feel awful, their mum clearly doesn't.

Have been here too OP. I'm very sorry.

You are not being awful wanting some time alone. We actually did the same last year for DSCs mum who unfortunately miscarried, we kept the kids with us for a while. I would never think to complain about that so I hope she is okay about it.

I also completely understand you saying you want your own and the DSC aren't yours in the same way. It used to really annoy me when people made out that at least I had almost 'ready made kids', could 'learn to love them like my own' etc... It is not the same at all. Don't feel guilty for thinking that or wanting a child of your own.

It's not the same at all. I'm like a cool aunt figure to them, we have a lot of fun and a lot of love, but the way they have been bought up us completely different to how I would raise mine, and I dont miss them when they're not here.

I am having surgery tomorrow. I have told DH they can't come this weekend, I don't care if his ex is going to Blenheim with her sister.

But I can't put it off forever. It's two of the DSC's birthday before Christmas and then obviously Christmas itself. So I have no choice. I just need to suck it up don't I.

One of.my (non stepparent) friends said she had to stop walking past a nursery near her house for months after her MC. Yet I'm expected to have 4 children that arent mine, in my house, with DH being an amazing dad to them, me just on the outside, carrying my dead baby.

I can't do this. DH has been supportive but honestly doesn't seem that upset. And why would he be? He already has 4. Why should he be bothered about number 5?

I don't know how anyone is ever expected to get over this, let alone a step mum.

I’m glad you’ve got a friend that’s been there who you can talk to. I spoke with a counsellor after my loss and it really helped. I’d recommend doing that.

I can't do this. DH has been supportive but honestly doesn't seem that upset. And why would he be? He already has 4. Why should he be bothered about number 5?

Oh OP I've been here. This resonated with me so much, it's exactly how I felt.

I ended up seeing a counsellor to work through these feelings. I came close to resenting DH on some of my worst days for having what I wanted and felt like my face was being rubbed in it every time the kids were here and he was playing Dad.

I really do understand how you're feeling. Don't feel guilty. Even when the kids did have to come round, I kept my distance for a while to be honest. Don't put too much strain on yourself.

I could barely be around my own child in the aftermath so don't worry. I wouldn't infer too much from your dh not being upset either. Mc can be tough for men because it's not happening to them so my dh felt he wasn't entitled to be as upset as me even though he was gutted. He felt his role was to support me and get over his own grief by himself.

You need that space to grieve and recover and having your step children round will impact this. It also won't be pleasant or healthy for them to witness. I have had 3 miscarriages this year so far and step children. During those times we didn't see them. Thinking of you x

This happened to me, I went to the 12-week scan alone because DP was with his kids (it was between Christmas and New Year) to be told I was going to miscarry. I had an emergency op a few days later as I was haemorrhaging. His kids went back to their mum's, there was no way I could have just carried on and pretended everything was okay. I did have DD at the time but I totally recognise those feelings around it being a completely different experience for him than it was for me because he'd already got another 2 kids from his ex who hadn't miscarried. It didn't affect relationships with the stepkids I don't think in the longer term.

This is a sad situation.

Not one that a lot of stepmums think they'll find themselves in and it can result in resentment towards the SDC.

I know it must be a very difficult and emotional time for you and there's no easy answer for all involved.

I can't do this. DH has been supportive but honestly doesn't seem that upset. And why would he be? He already has 4. Why should he be bothered about number 5?
Unless you have more evidence of this, please don’t think too harshly of him. My DD2 was DHs 3rd and he was stillborn this summer at 35 weeks. I nearly died.

I have laughed every day since because I have DS1 to keep me going. He’s 11 months older than his brother.
Your DH has 4 children and you to keep it together for. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have loved his DC5 just as much.
Take the time you need, 4 kids or not you are the priority right now

Thank you all so much.

Well, I'm out of surgery.

As suspected, DH's ex has refused to have them this weekend. She said if I need to rest I will need to go out the house and stay somewhere else. Also said she had to deal.with it when she had her gallbladder out. I wish DH had pointed out to her we had them an extra three days then to help her recover. The fact that she would even compare the two (I've also had my gallbladder out) shows what kind of a person she is.

They will be staying at DH's mums, who has been isolating and has pre existing conditions, so that gives me a huge amount of guilt and worry and I can imagine just feeling too guilty and getting DH to pick them up and bring them back.

No more flexibility. No more favours. I am bleeding and in a lot of pain and completely empty and I will never forgive her for this.

I hate being a stepmum sometimes.

Just to add, this was over text and DH really really did try. He even just said NO at one point but she just replied that she would drop them.off. There was nothing more really he could have done, save for locking all the doors when they arrived and allowing her to make him look like an absolute bastard, which she would have no issue doing..

I am literally going through this. Found out baby didn't have a heartbeat on Friday and had the surgery yesterday. DSC are due here in couple hours for the next 5 days. While it's not ideal, I wouldn't stop them or want to stop them from coming. I plan to just recuperate in our room and DP is going to take care of them as they're .. his. I wouldn't send my own child away even if it hurt to see them, so I just keep using that logic. They're 4 and 6. It's shit, really shit. Sending my sympathies.

Good for you @Rtmhwales, everyone's different and I don't know what the point of your post is but to make me even more shit.
People with their own kids have time to their own away from them during this, including posters on the miscarriage boards right now, and no one is telling them they didn't do that or making them feel guilty.
No ones 'sending them away' ffs. It would not be good for them to see me like this, clearly you agree his ex's right to go to a stately garden which she could literally do anytime (doesnt work and never has) trumps my right to mourn and grieve for my baby?

Not everyone deals with things the same. I adore those children. Fucking adore them and they do me. I will never apologise for for once being selfish and putting myself first, just as mainly mothers do. Do you compare your miscarriage to others on a frequent basis? If your friend doesn't cry as much as you did, or cry too much, or went for expectant management rather than surgery, or went back to work early, or was signed off for months, do you tell her what you did and then as well, comparing your experience to hers? I do hope not.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Fucking hell.

Wow, honestly I think your response is hurtful and horrible and wish I hadn't commented. I commented trying to be helpful and explained as someone going through literally what you're going through nearly to the say how I'm trying to cope with DSC being here. I'm going to hide out in my bedroom and leave DP being responsible for his own children so I don't have to see them.

I've commented on many posts before, coming from a place of trying to be empathetic and helpful. I did not say your feelings are not valid, but you've already said your DSC's mom has said no to keeping them and that there's not much you can do about it except send them to their grandparents. I misunderstood that you wanted to have a discussion about the issues when perhaps you just wanted a rant about how horrible she is.

I hope you recover and find your peace with the miscarriage as I am trying to do myself. Best wishes to you.

@YoungScrappyHungry what you are going through is really hard and I can understand your feelings and need to have some space to get through this difficult time. However, your response to @Rtmhwales was totally uncalled for, no matter how bad you are feeling. She wasn't criticising you, just sharing her experience and letting you know how she was going to manage having the DSCs there, in case you ended up having to as well. Really sorry you're going through this but think you owe @Rtmhwales an apology tbh.

However, your response to @Rtmhwales was totally uncalled for, no matter how bad you are feeling. She wasn't criticising you, just sharing her experience and letting you know how she was going to manage having the DSCs there, in case you ended up having to as well.
Really sorry you're going through this but think you owe @Rtmhwales an apology tbh.

I totally agree with this.

@Rtmhwales was posting as someone in your position....which I think was nice of her, because if anyone else said what she did, you'd have said they haven't been in your shoes. She wasn't trying to invalidate your feelings.

Ending your post yo her with sorry for your loss doesn't sound one bit genuine in the least.

Rtmhwale I'd like to extend my condolences to you...you didn't deserve the reply you got from the OP. I can see you posted in good faith.

How are you doing hon? If you need support please come back to the thread and don't worry about a spat with a stranger.

It's so hard, my heart really goes out to you but these feelings will pass with time I promise. You're not being at all selfish. I was the same when it happened to me. I'm not a stepmum but I'm close to my neices and nephews and I just couldn't be around them much as I love them. It's ok and completely normal. Your SC have 2 parents that can pick up the slack, you're just responsible for you right now.

I'm sure your husband does care, no matter how many kids you have, you love them all. You will work through it and be ready to try again at some point. For me I ended up with twins 2 years after my MC. I would never have predicted that, as I was 39 when I MC I thought that was it but life has a way of surprising you.

Hang in there. DH and DSC will be fine if you check out for a while. They love you and will understand xxx

Personally I don't think Rtmhwales does deserve an apology. Am really sorry for what she's going through but a very unhelpful post I thought.