Long Post!! Problems with his daughter! Need advice.

[LLL1990]

Hi everyone,

So basically about two years ago, I met and fell in love with a man who is a little bit older than me (he’s 52 and I’m 30, not sure if this is relevant to the story). He’s previously been married and has three kids to his ex-wife. I don’t have any children myself.

The children are 14, 20 and 22. The eldest and youngest are absolutely fine, they go to school and university and are quite polite young men.

However his daughter, she just frustrates the life out of me. She is 20 years old, left school at 17 and has since done nothing with her life. She has not worked one day in her life and is always asking my partner for money or lifts to places. This is about the only time she will speak to him is when she wants something. She’s actually quite disrespectful and it’s difficult to say something about it because ‘she’s not my child’ and ‘I don’t have kids so I don’t know how to parent’.

Anyway, she’s just accidentally on purpose had a baby. She wasn’t on any contraception which is ridiculous as it’s free in this country and she lives all of a two minute walk to closest sexual health clinic.

She was always complaining that she wants money and to move out so it’s quite clear this was a cash baby so she could get onto the housing with benefits.

Anyway, this is my partners golden child and yet she didn’t even tell him she had the baby. She just rang the day after and dropped it into a conversation. The day before she gave birth she was asking for five pound but yet couldn’t be bothered to even call or text to say she’s in labour or had a baby?? She had FaceTimed all her friends to tell them before hand. Like to me that’s just a bit childish and a little disappointing for her dad.

So obviously I have abit of a moan that’s she’s taking him for a mug and only see’s him as a walking ATM (baring in mind he is only a general handy man so it’s not like he’s got money to give). He gets all defensive and says it’s me who has the problem and that I’m just jealous of her? How can I be jealous if I’ve thrived since leaving school, travelled the world, doing well in my career, and own my car and own home.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m an outsider looking in but she’s just so rude and disrespectful and if anyone was taking the p*ss out of my partner then I would say or do something, it just so happens that it’s his daughter.

He is so nice to her though and just lets her think everything is ok.

She’s just a horrible girl who is a bum on society and I feel bad because I can’t stand to be in the same room as her. I feel like I’m dampening his first grandchild experience, I don’t want to be that person but I’m just finding it harder and harder to just grin and bare it.

I’m such a good partner and so good with the other children. I’ve actually surprised myself just how ‘mumsy’ I can be. It’s just her.

I know no-one can fix this situation but does anyone have advice on how I can handle this better? Like am I out of order thinking this way? What do I do?

Thank you if you have taken the time to read this.

L

You're not out of order, you've observed these things. But you can't win this, no matter how right you probably are.

I feel like a hype, because I honestly shoot first and think later, but try to reflect a bit. You can't change this and you probably don't want your partner to resent you.

Play the long game. Be there for him, he knows what she's like and eventually he'll respond to her in a different way. Just be careful so you don't shoulder the blame x

Hypocrite, not hype.

Love, and I speak as someone as old as your partner, why are you doing this to yourself?

He’s not a good partner for you, his life is beginning to shut down and your life is beginning to open up!

You’re a successful and motivated woman. Why are you with someone who isn’t anywhere close to you in terms of literally anything?

At your age I hadn’t even met the father of my now huge and hulking teen, and here you are possibly playing house with this bloke and his adult kids

There is so much more to life than putting up with this crap from kids who aren’t yours.

He’s not even on the same page as you on why his daughter is doing making the choices she is.

You have absolutely no chance at all of being happy here.

And you’re giving up far too much for this life.

Get yourself out of this, is he living with you? Or are you living with him?

It’s only 2 years wasted, you can easily recover your life and be happy with a man that has no ex no kids etc.

You have a far more valuable currency in your life than he does.

@user1936863452

^^IGNORE

[quote Stantons]@user1936863452

^^IGNORE[/quote]
100% this

I think you should seriously reevaluate this relationship with your partner, for many reasons. I fear you will have nothing but regret and resentment if you stay with him.

@user1936863452

If this is real, your behaviour and attitude are repugnant. Shame on you.

^ ignore!

OP please listen to MzHz

The fact that his daughter is taking him for a mug says a lot about his parenting. You don't want to have children with this man.

Are you living together? Where does she live?

I’m in a not completely dissimilar position. DP’s ds is great and we get on like a house on fire. DP’s dd has ‘stayed at home drawing pictures and reading books’ from age 15 and is now 19 and going strong...

They key things how does your DP feel. She is his golden child & he feels you are the problem then you should.

This relationship be forever on a background of seething resentment. The grandchild just adds a new layer. Time to call it quits. As a PP stated, your lives are going in different directions anyway. Find someone who values the same things as you.

This is like one of those AA scenarios:

You didn’t cause this
You can’t control this.
You can’t cure this.

The difference in my scenario is my DP does see the dysfunctional behaviour for what it is.

You are on different pages on this. Get out now.

Leave
Meet someone your own age
You will never win

You need to walk away from this family, for everyone's sake.

If she smells the contempt as strongly as anyone reading your post, you are better off not being in the same room as her. It’s just not worth the aggro.
You aren’t dampening his first experience as a grandfather, the person who have birth and didn’t tell him is. She sounds truly dreadful.
You’re not even old enough to be her mum, so you will have a different dynamic than a lot of SMs. You could tell her, adult to adult, that she’s a twat and what would she do? Start being an arse to her dad? Stop telling him about her life? Ok wait...
Honestly, there’s more to life than this...

I really feel the need to respond to this because I married someone with the same age difference and I wish someone had been truthful with me from the beginning.

Please ask yourself if this is a situation you are happy to be in forever? If it isn't, then walk now. It is really important you think carefully about this. His daughter and other children will often always come first. It will eventually make you resentful. it is not worth the heartache now or in the future.

You and your partner have reached the now what stage. You have expressed your thoughts about his situation and he has expressed his personal satisfaction with his situation. You are allowed to express your thoughts . He is allowed to feel and experience the situation differently.

He loves his child very much not because of her behaviour but inspire of her behaviour. You are comparing her behaviour and accomplishments to yours. In this situation that is irrelevant because you are not the yardstick by which he is going to measure his child.

He has made clear the manner in which he and his daughter relate and has given no indication that he wants or needs to make any changes. He probably resents your anger on his behalf.

The question for you is where do you see this relationship going? He is experiencing you as a woman who is jealous , not of his daughter's accomplishments but of the very strong feelings and regard that he has for his daughter.

The extreme differences in your responses should give you pause to reconsider this as a long -term relationship.
Given his level of regard that he has for his daughter and likely to have for his grandchild, you are probably going to fall into the role of the unhappy outlier . Is that the role that you want to play? If not , you need to make your peace with their existing relationship or find a partner who shares your pov .

The benefit of dating is that it gives you time to discover those values and behaviors that you share and those areas in which you may be less than compatible. He should not have to modify his strongly held beliefs about his daughter; nor should you have to continue viewing behaviour that you find intolerable.

There is probably a someone else out there who is more compatible or perhaps better suited for each of you. You need not settle or even compromise your views and values. Find a man who will celebrate your accomplishments in the way that you do and is willing to accommodate your pov.

At age 30, you have plenty of time to find your better suited person.

I have to agree with most of the previous posters that in your shoes I would run a mile. When I was in my 30's there was no way I'd have entertained a man with kids, let alone one with a kid as rude and disrespectful as his daughter.

I married for the second time when I was in my late 40's so I ended up with stepkids. They're both good kids but even then we have our problems.

I'm afraid your situation is a recipe for disaster and I would get out while I can. Your step daughter is always going to be a cause of conflict between you.

Get out, get out now. It won't end well.

Oh dear, 20 years older, with 3kids, now a grandfather and he accused you of being jealous of his daughter.. You are in the most perfect age to meet someone exciting, fall in love, create a family of your own. You don't need to deal with all the crap with someone else's children with an elderly man who doesn't respect you.

You know people are allowed to make different life choices to you? And just because you make different choices that doesn’t make their choices any last valid or right for them? Each to their own.

You can’t manage to cover your contempt for your partner’s daughter on an anonymous Internet forum, I would hazard a guess your partner knows exactly how you feel about his children.

Leave him. Let him enjoy the life he has with his children. There are plenty of men your age without families. Go and find one of them to build a life with.

Oh good lord OP. Leave. Why (as someone young, successful) are you hitching your wagon to a man this old? With a daughter (I’m sorry to say) who is a result of his parenting (along with her mother).

Why are you putting up with this?

Forget the crap parenting issue. This man is extremely passive. Very different to you.

The differing values and life-stages are going to chip away at this relationship. You should never have children with him.

Find someone more compatible. If your biological clock is ticking get out now.

Thank you everyone for the replies. It’s just hard because I’ve really fallen for him and it’s the best feeling in the world when it’s just us in our bubble, it’s just this one thing and also maybe the age difference.

The kids don’t live with us, the eldest two have their own places and the youngest lives with mum.

I fully appreciate that people can have different views in life and want different things. Personally, I wouldn’t care if I had a child who wanted to be a CEO of a company or a waitress in McDonald’s, as long as they’re happy and have a healthy lifestyle (healthy, not in debt, managing to put food on the table, etc). However, I do believe it’s not right for someone young and healthy enough to work to choose not to and just claim benefits and housing and have babies to ‘earn’ more money.

I’ve spoken to my partner in great detail about this and we are both aware that is a very difficult situation. The reason I’ve posted on here is not to be ‘anonymous’ or ‘rant about his daughter’ it was simply to seek advice! I know no-one in real life who is in this situation, none of my family, friends or anyone I even know or work with! So where else was I to turn to?? This was the best place I could think of!

You’ve asked the right thing tho.

Your comment about the bubble of just you, yup, that’s what you get with a man without kids.

Until - if that’s what happens etc etc - you have your own.

This guy really isn’t for you.

I learned in dating that each one we meet has a lesson for us, but then it’s time to move on until you find the one who ticks all the boxes.

That’s not him.

This man has shown you that life isn’t all work work work, but the embodiment of that is his daughter and that’s why you’re so irked by that.

You have so much more in your future than this man. You’re wasting time with him tbh, she’s never not going to be there, it’s never going to get any better

As someone who is with a man who has kids with other mothers, if I could wave a wand and not have them trying to manipulate him/situations, I would.

We manage to manage them, but I’d rather we didn’t have to because they’re mostly ok, but some things that they do are really fucking bitchy and nasty and I’ve had enough of that shit from my own family without having more of it.

This man has taught you a lot, about relationships and yourself but the lesson is over. Time to put that to good effect with a man who can grow with you

Find someone with similar values and attitudes to life as you, with no kids, and make a life that’s yours.

Do you know how your partner sees his future with you? You are likely to want your own children soon, does he want to start over and have children and grandchildren the same age? That would be my first question...
If he doesn't want that, there is no future for you..

The daughter...yes you are right. I can see why you think his standards should be higher in terms of a job etc. BUT their dynamic predates you. It has been forming over 20 years and if he is accusing you of jealously he is not prepared to even consider your view on this...that screams lack of respect..
I wouldn't want to put up with this dynamic if I were you. You should not feel like there is competition with his adult daughter, you should not feel the need to compare yourself to her either..
I'm sorry, it really sounds like the best thing would be to let this relationship go. For your own mental health.