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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dsd wants her family back together

37 replies

Bandia · 07/12/2020 13:22

Dp and ex split when dsd was just over a month old. Ex has been high conflict over everything. I was not ow, ex initiated the split.

The court said that dsd needs a consistent story about the break up and her family. Dp and ex were to sit with a mediator and discuss what she should be told. Ex decided that she would tell her own version without any input from anyone, which was that mummy and daddy were very happy but then daddy met bandia and left. This is not true.

Over the last few months, dsd has been try to assess the story - asking me how old she was when I met her (nearly 3), asking how old she was when I met her daddy (8 months), do I remember her first words, steps etc. I've answered honestly while trying not to overtly point out that her mother is lying.

Last week, dsd seems to have decided that her mums version is the correct one, and spent almost all of her time with us saying that dp and I should split up so that her parents can get married. Daddy can live with them and it will be like it was before. It was the happiest time in their lives, daddy and mummy are not happy now, and they need to be a family again. Mummy's boyfriend can find someone else, but I shouldn't because she might want to have sleepovers with me.

She's a very confused child, and I don't feel that the story she's been told helps. She has no memory of them living together, so I'm not convinced this is dsds words. I'm also not happy with being cast as the ow when it's not true, but that's on a personal level.

We don't know how to help dsd, and we can't understand why her mum would tell her the story she did. We're not going to lie to her to go along with mum's story, but we don't want to add any more confusion either.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 13:27

Her df needs to tell her the truth without you there... His words.
You haven't given her age op...
Has df got photos of just him and dd? Unless her dm can produce pics of the 3 of them she may start to believe the truth.

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2020 13:30

It's such a difficult situation because it is his ex causing the problem and there's nothing you can do to stop that, but in my opinion she does need to know the truth. It's not going to be a good thing for her that she will be forced to consider whether one of her parents is lying to her but it is the person lying that is forcing that situation. She will be equally harmed by growing up believing the lie and hoping her parents will get back together, as well as vilifying you. If I were her dad I would (obviously in an age appropriate manner) tell her that it was mummy who didn't want to be with daddy, and that he is happy now and doesn't want to be with mummy again. If he really didn't want to be too open about her mum lying he could perhaps just say mummy is wrong if she is telling her he isn't happy now, he is happy now and would not be happy with mummy. That wouldn't address the lie but would assert that he knows his own happiness better than her mum does.

CeibaTree · 07/12/2020 13:32

How old is she now? Is she at an age where she will understand that her mother's version of events are not true if your DH tells her the truth?

Original poster

Bandia · 07/12/2020 13:33

He has but she sticks with mums version. She then asks me questions essentially about my involvement in the split, goes back to her mum, and comes back with mums story again.

Dp has no photos of him and her as a baby. Her dm didn't want photos taken of her with him, so all baby pics are dm and her only.

She's 7, nearly 8. Court has been ongoing since she was 3 months.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 07/12/2020 13:36

Your DP needs to sit down and talk to his daughter, it isn't your job and due to his high conflict ex you must not get involved in telling her anything.

Your DP needs to make it very clear to his child that he under no circumstances will be getting back together with her mother and he loves you. He may have to repeat this like a broken record.

In your case you need to deflect any questions like that back to your DP. This may mean you changing the subject or saying we will ask your dad when he's there, then actually asking him.

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2020 13:39

If she is 8 I would be firmer with the truth at this point, I thought she was younger.

FestiveChristmasLights · 07/12/2020 13:40

I agree it’s up to your DP to talk to her but I would keep answering honestly and consistently to any questions you are asked.

RedMarauder · 07/12/2020 13:46

He has but she sticks with mums version. She then asks me questions essentially about my involvement in the split, goes back to her mum, and comes back with mums story again.

Then you have a DP problem.

At some point his child is going to find out the truth and not trust any of the adults around her including you. You may not think this is a big thing but teenagers need at least one adult around them they can trust.

If you are not married and have no children with him, I would seriously consider whether to stay in this relationship.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2020 13:47

It must be difficult for the ex to have been abandoned when her baby was a month old. She's not going to get over this. She is a confused child because her life has been made confusing by the behaviour of the adults in it.

SnailortheWhale · 07/12/2020 13:49

@Viviennemary who said the ex was abandoned? OP says that ex initiated the split.

SnailortheWhale · 07/12/2020 13:50

And even if she had been abandoned that doesn’t justify the emotional damage she’s inflicting on her child by reinventing the past and making up lies to tell her!

Viviennemary · 07/12/2020 13:54

For all the ex knows her ex DP could be lying about when he met OP. It does happen. Poor child.

Original poster

Bandia · 07/12/2020 13:56

She was not abandoned. She initiated the split, refused contact, continues to periodically refuse contact, and dp initiated court proceedings when baby was 3 months.

OP posts:

Norwester · 07/12/2020 13:57

You should continue as you are - answering honestly when a question is asked, never volunteering information.

Her df should continue to tell the same consistent story, patiently and without change. She has stumbled on her dm telling a lie and that's a very hard thing for her to process.

Her df needs to set her straight on mummy and daddy getting back together.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 13:57

I would suggest her df contacts mediation again. His ex is damaging their dd's mental health. Or speak to a solicitor.

Original poster

Bandia · 07/12/2020 13:58

She knows when we met. She knows he wasn't cheating. We've been told that she was, that she left him for the om, which he says is likely. She had cheated before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bandia · 07/12/2020 13:59

The mediator isn't willing to work with her. Or they said they don't know what they can do, which amounts to the same thing.

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/12/2020 14:02

I'd refuse to answer any more questions.

"You need to discuss that with your parents."

On repeat.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 14:05

Contact ss then. She is close to abusive.

Rapunzel91 · 07/12/2020 14:06

We have a similar situation here. I met dp when his kids were 2 and 3. They are now 10 and 8 and 8 year old still wants his parents to be together despite my and DP having a DD and his mum a boyfriend.
Apparently I 'stole' his dad.
Hes always going to want his parents together, some kids are just like that and I've come to accept it.

Sweettea1 · 07/12/2020 14:06

She is young and children of this age don't understand why they can't be a happy family of course she wants mum an dad to be under the same roof that is perfectly normal as she gets older she will start to understand its not going to happen maybe dad needs to have a chat with her explaining that mum an dad weren't happy together and its better this way think my ds was about 10 b4 he accepted me an his dad would never be together.

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 07/12/2020 14:22

I have a similar situation, OP.

DP's ex told an incredibly serious lie about DP that, if true, he would be in prison for. It was not proven by police, but various organisations had to be told, and DSS had to be spoken to about it. He was very young.

DSS is now a teenager, and is in a position where he knows that one of his parents has lied. He clearly doesn't want to think about it, which is entirely understandable. DP has always been 100% honest about the situation, which has meant telling DSS that, basically, his DM lied (although, only by saying that the thing he was accused of wasn't true, not by actually saying his mum had lied about it).

You and your DP need to do the same. Maintain the correct story. It is not helpful for your DSD to be lied to by her DM, and whilst you need to be careful to phrase things so that it doesn't seem like you are saying DM is a liar, it is important that she knows the truth. She will eventually realise what really happened, and she may not want to talk about it.

Milkshake7489 · 07/12/2020 14:24

That sounds really tough for both you and your stepdaughter

I can't understand why any mum would choose to emotionally damage her daughter in that way... is further mediation between your DP and her mum an option? Maybe hearing again from someone impartial would make her reconsider lying in the future?

If not, I'd continue to be honest but avoid being drawn into conversation about the topic as much as possible. She will need time to process the fact that one of her most trusted adults has been lying to her and that's a difficult thing for any child to unpick.

Youseethethingis · 07/12/2020 15:05

Whatever else her mums has told her, the poor wee soul obviously really likes you if she’s told you not to get a new bottom car she wants a sleepover! That’s a massive wine for you, because I doubt very much that her mother says you stole her dad away and then zips her trap. She will likely be saying all sorts, but her child still likes you regardless.
It is heartbreaking that a mother would deliberately put her own child through this sort of emotional torment. No advice, just wanted to say I think you’re doing amazingly well

Youseethethingis · 07/12/2020 15:10

A boyfriend. Not bottom car

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