Dsd wants her family back together

[Bandia]

Dp and ex split when dsd was just over a month old. Ex has been high conflict over everything. I was not ow, ex initiated the split.

The court said that dsd needs a consistent story about the break up and her family. Dp and ex were to sit with a mediator and discuss what she should be told. Ex decided that she would tell her own version without any input from anyone, which was that mummy and daddy were very happy but then daddy met bandia and left. This is not true.

Over the last few months, dsd has been try to assess the story - asking me how old she was when I met her (nearly 3), asking how old she was when I met her daddy (8 months), do I remember her first words, steps etc. I've answered honestly while trying not to overtly point out that her mother is lying.

Last week, dsd seems to have decided that her mums version is the correct one, and spent almost all of her time with us saying that dp and I should split up so that her parents can get married. Daddy can live with them and it will be like it was before. It was the happiest time in their lives, daddy and mummy are not happy now, and they need to be a family again. Mummy's boyfriend can find someone else, but I shouldn't because she might want to have sleepovers with me.

She's a very confused child, and I don't feel that the story she's been told helps. She has no memory of them living together, so I'm not convinced this is dsds words. I'm also not happy with being cast as the ow when it's not true, but that's on a personal level.

We don't know how to help dsd, and we can't understand why her mum would tell her the story she did. We're not going to lie to her to go along with mum's story, but we don't want to add any more confusion either.

Any advice?

@Youseethethingis Haha, I quite liked 'bottom car'.

Her father needs to tell her the truth; with a real timeline, as she's obviously curious about it. He might have to say something like "It was years ago so perhaps mummy forgot when you and I met Bandia ". Back up with early photos of him with DD; first photo of bandia and DSD etc.

Both of you need to assure her that Daddy loves Bandia and DD, Bandia loves Daddy and DSD. Daddy Band and DSD are a happy family who want to stay together.

Most childrens books stories or films combine fantasy and fairytales, and a happy ending. She's instinctively using that familiar, comforting blueprint to process and understand her own life story. Her imagined happy ending (parents back together etc) is a fairytale . Her real happy ending, is that Daddy and bandia stay together and you all love each other.

    In terms of childhood books and stories adults tell them (santa, toothfairy);  as children grow up they develop logic , begin to recognise myths,  question  evidence and unravel the mysteries . DSD's getting to that stage  and  will eventually grasp that her mothers version  doesn't fit  (and yours does).

@Youseethethingis yes, huge win! Her mum would be livid if she said it to her too.

It's back in court in February. It was supposed to be with an agreed story on the break up, so the court will have to deal with that.

Dp has said he's willing to try mediation again, but this was the third mediator they were supposed to work with. The mediator is saying that they don't think they can do anything to help as mum just does what she wants anyway. Similar stories from the previous 2.

We've spoken with cafcass and ss. The problem, from my pov, is that there's no consequences to mum's actions. She says and does whatever she wants, and while all agencies say she shouldn't be doing these things, there's nothing to make her stop. The end result is a confused child who doesn't know if she's coming or going.

I bought her a book on blended families and dp drew out a family tree with her, covering both sides, but when she's with mum, everything we've said is shifted and distorted, or just an outright lie.

I probably does not matter what her mom or her dad says. Her 7 year old heart wants what her heart wants.

She probably does not really care why mom and dad split. It does not matter to her whether mom and dad will be happy together. She just wants to live in a home with her mom and dad. She wants the idealized family that many of her friends may have.

She is not having revisionist moments. On some level she knows that was not her past. She wants that version to be her present.

It is not unlike the woman who says " why can't he be the man that I want him to be?" Her 7 year old heart is saying "why can't they be the parents that I want them to be?"

There is little that any of you can do to change this. Telling her the various versions of the truth has been done, and it is not changing her hopes and unrealistic dreams.

In time, she will come to terms with her personal reality. Neither her mother nor her father have the capacity to make her want less the thing that she sees as critical to her child like happiness.

Give her time . The question that she is asking is not " why are they not together," but instead " why won't they love me enough to do the one thing that will make me happy? That question cannot be answered by talking about who or what was the cause of the split. Ultimately, she does not care why they split. At age 7 ,she only cares that they are not together. Better to let her grieve that situation and then to make her peace with her situation.

Children have a way of creating their own narratives in a way that is most consistent with their immediate wants and needs.

Love her and be patient. Her focus will soon enough shift to some other issue.

Very wise @Tiredoftattler, very wise words.

I would ask her some questions like "what do you think", "why do you think that?" "Why do you think Mummy has said something different to Daddy?"

You just listen to the answer with the "oh" and "hmmm" she is trying to work out the truth and to trust her own self.

Read the book "how to listen so kids will talk, and talk so kids will listen" it explains the importance of children learning critical thinking and being able to label how they feel and say it without being punished for their feelings.

So you could help her work her feelings out with comments such as "sounds or you wish Mum and Dad were together", "sounds like you wish Mummy and Daddy had been married and stayed together".

"Sounds like you aren't quite sure who is telling the truth, what do you think? Oh why do you think that?" She is articulating the confusion and need to learn the skills to work through it and explore her fantasies.

I would actually be finding a good child therapist to work with her tbh.

I bought her a book on blended families

Would you mind sharing the title of the book please?

I smiled when I read that she doesn't want you to get a new BF so she can have sleepovers.

Sorry, @SandyY2K, I've only just seen this. It's called More People To Love Me.

This is difficult. If this is being pushed by his ex then that needs to be addressed but how would you ever know... have your oh sit down with her and have a chat. It needs to be frank and open.

Kids are not stupid.

My ex and I split when my son was 3 he’s now 8! Just last month he innocently said he wished I lived in the same house as his dad. My ex and I have both moved on and we are both very happy my sons happy too but I suppose he had those natural curiosity/feelings about the situation. So it could just be his daughter putting two and two together. Either way it’s time for your oh to have that chat with her. X

You said that they need to agree on a “story” for court - how can your dp just go along with that ? Who has told him to do that?
Surely he needs to say that he thinks his dd needs the truth not a “story” which she’s already starting to question, and will eventually be exposed as a lie - which it is. What kind of damage will that do to her? He should be protecting her from this not going along with it.
He should get her into counselling and get advice on the court and this “ story” it’s forcing.

^^ She's 7, nearly 8. Court has been ongoing since she was 3 months.

The child is far too young to be knowing all the ins and out. They don’t have full understanding for a start so I personally wouldn’t be willing to discuss this with my child. I think which ever professional have you/your partner that advise was the worst

What’s the current contact arrangement now with your partner and his DD?

Sorry, @SandyY2K, I've only just seen this. It's called More People To Love Me.

No worries and thanks very much. It sounds like a useful resource.