Just not bonding with ss

[Kel9]

To be honest I’ve seen similar posts on here but I wanted to get my feeling out there and I know I’m not alone!

I feel resentful of my fiancé’s son... it sounds awful I know but there it is.

He has a 9 year old who comes once at the weekend he chooses not to stay because he won’t sleep on his own which is fine, but I think the lack of him being part of this family maybe adds to my feeling.

I have my own son who’s 8 and he’s with us all the time and my fiancé is great with him.

There’s a few things that seem to trigger my feeling about this.. because oh son only comes at the weekend he’s quiet and goes straight to my sons room and oh doesn’t see him! I get they are young boys are prefer each other’s company but oh seems fine with this!!

My sons comfortable around us and is his loud normal self but gets so excited when his son comes he often end up getting told off for acting out! I think this again makes me feel resentful towards my ss too. Lots of tiny things don’t help either I suppose like my oh acts like a weekend dad and doesn’t want to dish out rows or I force rules when his son comes so again deep down this pisses me off. His son can’t do wrong in his eyes but that’s because he isn’t with us long enough.

Christmas has brought up more resentment. His son has a new iPhone for Christmas and wants a £100 top so my fiancé and ss mum have went half’s on the phone. it’s up to them what they buy but he’s now trying to buy lots more for ss so my sons presents and his sons look the same!! But for one my son hadn’t asked for anything like that nor would he get a phone at 8, for Christmas and I have said to my fiancé that his sons had a lot of money spent on him and he just needs to remind him of the phone from Santa.. which he is using at the moment so not really a Christmas present 🤦‍♀️

I would add that I have learnt to just get on with it, I treat the boys the same.

Rant over!!!!

I think you have miss read this!

I don’t expect his son to entertain us or me or whatever you are referring to. He comes for a day disappears with my son.

I’m happy with this my son loves him but do I think his dad should be making more effort... yes! Absolutely but I’m not being the one to say that! I made a decision early on that I would let him parent his son and step back. We don’t see him enough so I have to let it go. I know that doesn’t sound great but I come here to vent.

I don’t enjoy being a step parent and I know that sounds selfish but so be it.

This is my opinion and yes unfortunately because the house has changed due to his visits the resentment is focused towards him. I know how that sounds but this is a safe haven for me to rant so I will!!

To be honest, I think most step parents feel resentment towards their SC at some point in their relationship with them. It doesn't make it right, but it is much healthier to admit it and see what you can do to work on it.

OP, I don't have children of my own but can relate to you. My DSD is meant to stay the night on a regular basis, but we will get a message on the morning saying she doesn't want to stay. It feels like our plans get messed up all the time when at her age I feel it should be down to her parents whether she stays, not her.

When DSD visits us on a day that DSS is also here (two different mothers), she can get absolutely hyper and her already pretty poor behaviour can get even worse. Luckily, they have a five year age gap and DSS is older, so he is generally calm and doesn't react, but on the odd occasion that he does retaliate, then obviously he has to get told off too... yet, the reality of it is that DSD causes these arguments.

Up until very recently, I didn't enjoy being a step parent. DSS has always been lovely, and I enjoy my time with him, but DSD was draining and always acting up. She is less like this now, but is very much used to getting her own way, which can make time with her unbearable. (DP has certainly played a part in this, but DSS is not like this at all, so there is a clear mother link!). I feel that she is now accepting me as part of the family unit, and it is making our time together a lot happier.

How long have you and your DP been together? Is there a chance that your SS doesn't really feel like part of the family?

Honestly I would get out of the relationship, you aren't married and have no kids together so get out whilst you can or you will have years of this pathetic Disney dad crap to deal with.

Your ds will grow to resent all 3 of you imo!! The ss for being spoiled. The df for being a Disney df. And you for trying to raise a decent dc with boundaries amongst this.. So close in age the differences will be mammothly obvious..

Apart from the presents, what's the problem? His son comes for the day and goes to play with your son. Your son gets over-excited, so that's for you to sort out. What is his son doing wrong?

I’m not massively seeing where the dad is being a ‘Disney dad.’

He lets his son play with another boy his own age and wants to ensure the boys have similar amounts of presents.

What’s he doing that’s so bad?

This is a safe haven but it is also an educating one, so open your mind a little.

You are creating a world of problems for yourself as the boys grow up and a division in your own family.
Perhaps your SS disappears to his brothers room because he senses your agitation when he spends time with you, children are not stupid.

While it is ok to admit how you're feeling, you have to also be willing to enable positive change. No one knows what the future holds, tomorrow your son may have a step-mum, imagine this is her speaking about him!!

Admitting you struggle is ok. Not wanting to do anything about it is not.

SS does seem to be doing anything wrong? Sounds like you just would rather you didn't have one?

I would never make my ss uncomfortable honestly I treat both boys the same. These are feeling I have inside and I’m having a shit
day I just wanted to rant.

I don’t see ss often it’s a Saturday only and sometimes I’m working so I think it’s down to me maybe feeling I’m not adapting well. I don’t say or do anything about it as i understanding that this won’t change I have to change how I feel or maybe do things.

If I’m honest the house changes when he’s here and I just don’t like it... there I’ve said it. I’ll need to get use to it as I love my fiancé to bits. I take what everybody is saying and I like to hear others opinions it’s nice to speak with others who are going through similar.

'Lots of tiny things don’t help either I suppose like my oh acts like a weekend dad and doesn’t want to dish out rows or I force rules when his son comes so again deep down this pisses me off. His son can’t do wrong in his eyes but that’s because he isn’t with us long enough.

Christmas has brought up more resentment. His son has a new iPhone for Christmas and wants a £100 top so my fiancé and ss mum have went half’s on the phone. it’s up to them what they buy but he’s now trying to buy lots more for ss so my sons presents and his sons look the same!! But for one my son hadn’t asked for anything like that nor would he get a phone at 8, for Christmas and I have said to my fiancé that his sons had a lot of money spent on him and he just needs to remind him of the phone from Santa.. which he is using at the moment so not really a Christmas present 🤦‍♀️'

That's what a Disney dad is @Welcometonowhere where you don't discipline your child they face no rules compared to others in the house, they can do no wrong and they are spoilt.
An 8 year old with an iPhone £100 on a T shirt it's absolutely ridiculous!
As well as matching up his presents to the Ops child so he has even more.
Spoilt kids are the worst.
As are Disney Dad's, this isn't good for your own child OP get out now whilst you have no real ties.

Also my son does have a step mum and I imagine what it would feel like of course I do., I’m not a bad person honest 🙈😂

OP, you are choosing to raise your son as you see fit, but you also want your partner to raise his son as you see fit. Wherein does his choice to parent as he sees fit factor into your living arrangement?

Does it really matter how many presents he chooses to give to his son? Is he expecting you to pay for the presents?
You should be free to get that which you want for your son and he should have the same options.

Your feelings about the appropriate age to have a telephone should apply to your child. If he has a different opinion about the appropriate age to have a telephone, it should apply to his child. It would be inappropriate for him to insist that you buy your child a telephone , and it is equally inappropriate for you to be angered by the fact that he has bought one for his son.

Stop thinking of yourself as the child's step parent. The child has 2 seemingly involved parents. Let them make the parenting choices for their son, and you continue to make the parenting choices for your son.

It can be really hard to accept the fact that our partners will make choices that we do not always agree with, but that is a reality in any relationship. If you do not like the way that he parents his child, you can live apart and not expose yourself to having to view that which you find disagreeable.

Stay in the girlfriend lane and do not confuse that with the step parenting lane. Be a great mom to your son, and let him be the father that he chooses to be to his son. You can interact with his son without thinking of yourself as his step parent.

You are making yourself unhappy in this situation, and your unhappiness is being self-inflicted.

You are blaming SS for a lot of things which are in no way this child's fault.

If the boot was on the other foot and your DS had a step-mum (to whom you had to send him EOW), would you want her to regard your DS with the same resentment and mean-spiritedness as you regard your SS?

Split up with your fiance and leave his poor son alone. What you really want is for SS not to exist at all.

@MessAllOver

You are blaming SS for a lot of things which are in no way this child's fault.

If the boot was on the other foot and your DS had a step-mum (to whom you had to send him EOW), would you want her to regard your DS with the same resentment and mean-spiritedness as you regard your SS?

Split up with your fiance and leave his poor son alone. What you really want is for SS not to exist at all.

Pretty much what I was gonna say but harsher. I feel like some people, possibly OP included, can't deal with the fact that partner has children from a previous relationship.

A 9 yo with an iPhone isn't boding well for future gifting imo.
When your ds will be happy with say a games console, his ds will be expecting a car. At 18 likely a flat!!

Lots of great comments thank you ladies.

On the other hand I’m expecting people to tell me there opinions but boy you’ve to have a thick skin coming on here 😂

Honestly I don’t get involved in my oh choices with his son and I stay in my Lane. I’m not really his step mum it’s a title that people use for dads other half. I do t have that relationship with him and we are fine with no labelling.

I honestly just wanted to vent ladies that’s it. I don’t agree with my oh some of the time but I let him get in with it... it doesn’t change how I parent my son in any way.

I don’t agree that his son has a phone but that’s nothing to do with me. What does piss me off is the money we are spending on both boys... the boys open the presents together so there lies the issue. My oh and I are a team so as you can imagine we discuss finances and present shopping.

Very harsh. ... is this his ex? 😂

Not at all would it be easier... yes! But it is what it is. In the mean time I get on with it but come here to vent now and again. I think your comment is harsh and I’ve seen people on here say they don’t feel that this sight is safe to vent and be brave to talk about there feelings because they are judged! are you one of those 🤷‍♀️

No, not an ex . I have a son myself, although much younger, and I have a fair amount of experience with boys that age. Yes, some of them are difficult (though you don't mention any behavioural issues on the part of your SS), but most are fairly uncomplicated and just need pizza, reassurance and a sympathetic ear to bore you witless about how good they are at football and what video/computer game they're playing at the moment. Your DS is only a little younger... surely you must know how to relate to boys that age?

I guess I don't really understand what his "crimes" are, unless it's not having much of a relationship with you (understandable) or his dad (which would be his dad's fault) and being the recipient of some inappropriately lavish presents. What do you want this child (only a year older than your own DS) to do?

But flowerpot it’s not the ss misbehaving, unless I read it all wrong.

My God, some of the PPs are so bloody harsh. OP said that she wanted to vent, she has admitted that it isn't really her SS's fault but, at the end of the day, the dynamic changes when her SS is there so you are going to link the two, aren't you?

When a Mum comes onto this site and complains about their child, they never get told that they are being unreasonable, how dare they think about their child in that way, they will pick up on your feelings and know you despise them or that they would be better off just leaving them with their other parent and never seeing them again!

SC are, quite frankly, hard work. As a step parent, you either have too much involvement or not enough. You are either trying to steal their DM's place in their hearts, or you are a horrible cow for not accepting them as your own.

Give us a break, would you? We come onto a 'Step-parenting' board to share our experiences with other women going through the same thing - step-parenting! Of course, people's opinions will differ, but why do we have to be so unsupportive of one another? I honestly think some of you hover around the board all day waiting to pounce on some poor woman who is clearly having a shit day, just to make yourselves feel better.

But what has this boy done?

@MyGodImSoYoung

My God, some of the PPs are so bloody harsh. OP said that she wanted to vent, she has admitted that it isn't really her SS's fault but, at the end of the day, the dynamic changes when her SS is there so you are going to link the two, aren't you?

When a Mum comes onto this site and complains about their child, they never get told that they are being unreasonable, how dare they think about their child in that way, they will pick up on your feelings and know you despise them or that they would be better off just leaving them with their other parent and never seeing them again!

SC are, quite frankly, hard work. As a step parent, you either have too much involvement or not enough. You are either trying to steal their DM's place in their hearts, or you are a horrible cow for not accepting them as your own.

Give us a break, would you? We come onto a 'Step-parenting' board to share our experiences with other women going through the same thing - step-parenting! Of course, people's opinions will differ, but why do we have to be so unsupportive of one another? I honestly think some of you hover around the board all day waiting to pounce on some poor woman who is clearly having a shit day, just to make yourselves feel better.

Thank you!

This is exactly what I wanted to do vent. X

In my previous post, I commented that OP admitted the problems aren't really her SS, I presumed I would supporting that point by reiterating it.

My DSD made my life so bloody miserable for such a long time, that I used to dread her visits. She hadn't even arrived and I knew my mood was affected because she would be coming.

Mums complain that their teenagers don't ever come out of their rooms. For OP, clearly her SS staying in his room for the one day he visits is a similar issue. It doesn't really matter whether it would be an issue for someone else; if it is an issue for OP, then that is fine and completely valid.

The present thing is also frustrating. It isn't OP's SS's fault that he is basically being spoilt, but that doesn't make it easier for her when they, as a family unit, have decided that the boys' presents need to match. Of course it sounds crap but if the SS wasn't involved, then the present thing wouldn't be an issue. I know the parents are the issue there, not the SS, but it is easy to project your feelings onto the wrong recipient!

@Kel9 If you need to vent again, but don't feel able to do so on this board, please feel free to private message me xx