Just not bonding with ss

[Kel9]

To be honest I’ve seen similar posts on here but I wanted to get my feeling out there and I know I’m not alone!

I feel resentful of my fiancé’s son... it sounds awful I know but there it is.

He has a 9 year old who comes once at the weekend he chooses not to stay because he won’t sleep on his own which is fine, but I think the lack of him being part of this family maybe adds to my feeling.

I have my own son who’s 8 and he’s with us all the time and my fiancé is great with him.

There’s a few things that seem to trigger my feeling about this.. because oh son only comes at the weekend he’s quiet and goes straight to my sons room and oh doesn’t see him! I get they are young boys are prefer each other’s company but oh seems fine with this!!

My sons comfortable around us and is his loud normal self but gets so excited when his son comes he often end up getting told off for acting out! I think this again makes me feel resentful towards my ss too. Lots of tiny things don’t help either I suppose like my oh acts like a weekend dad and doesn’t want to dish out rows or I force rules when his son comes so again deep down this pisses me off. His son can’t do wrong in his eyes but that’s because he isn’t with us long enough.

Christmas has brought up more resentment. His son has a new iPhone for Christmas and wants a £100 top so my fiancé and ss mum have went half’s on the phone. it’s up to them what they buy but he’s now trying to buy lots more for ss so my sons presents and his sons look the same!! But for one my son hadn’t asked for anything like that nor would he get a phone at 8, for Christmas and I have said to my fiancé that his sons had a lot of money spent on him and he just needs to remind him of the phone from Santa.. which he is using at the moment so not really a Christmas present 🤦‍♀️

I would add that I have learnt to just get on with it, I treat the boys the same.

Rant over!!!!

[quote MyGodImSoYoung]@Kel9 If you need to vent again, but don't feel able to do so on this board, please feel free to private message me xx[/quote]
I really appreciate that xx

If I’m honest the house changes when he’s here and I just don’t like it... there I’ve said it. I’ll need to get use to it as I love my fiancé to bits

With this further post in mind I don't think anyone is being harsh at all!

You said you weren't sure where the dad was being a Disney dad @Welcometonowhere, I showed you where op had shown a pattern of behaviour where he was a being a 'Disney Dad', being the 'Disney Dad' doesn't have anything to do with the kids behaviour, it's the Dad's behaviour that's the issue, hence the 'Disney Dad' reference.
Although in time his behaviour will subsequently effect this child if it hasn't already. Hence why as a step parent it is very difficult to live with and effects everyone in the family.

It's not my intention to stick the boot in and kick the OP when she's down, but she seems to resent the mere presence of this boy, who sounds like a quiet inoffensive child who plays nicely with her own son.

OP, I'm not trying to be unsympathetic
but I'm afraid I don't understand. If there's an "atmosphere', why don't you and your fiance work on getting SS more involved in family life? So boardgames, movie nights, pizza nights, make pancakes together... that sort of thing. Then maybe, when he feels more welcome and at home, he might be willing to stay the night.

Honestly I think the atmosphere is created more via OPs partner by the sounds of it. Where she said this the kid can do no wrong and obviously how spoilt he is, this is all down to the fiance, I think it's easier to feel the resentment for the child that she has no bond with, rather than facing up to the fact it's the person she's in love with causing it.

my ss doesn’t sleep over because he shares a bed with his mum.

I do things with the boys. We go out to the park and go for lunch, go to the cinema. This weekend we plan to make hot chocolate and biscuits.

I just feel detached and I posted this post to vent. Of course the dynamics have changed and I don’t always like it, that’s just how I feel.

I read a post the other day about people preferring it when there step children were not around and that’s how I feel. Lots of people agreed and I’m not any different.

OP, you're entitled to prefer it when he's not there - it's simpler. That doesn't make you a bad person. But please bear in mind that the dynamic is entirely created by the adults involved and doesn't sound like a great one for SS... It sounds like he doesn't consider your house a "safe place" for him if he never wants to sleep there. I'm amazed his dad has allowed it... doesn't he want overnight contact with his son?

Tbh youre happy for youre oh to have a relationship with youre child but don't want to put the effort in with his son. Crazy youre getting married tbh it sounds like he hasnt done anything wrong.

I also think it's ok to prefer it without him, but what I don't understand is how you would prefer to live like this where you feel detached and you don't like it.
I think over time this will get worse as no one is addressing it, just speaking from experience Op.

Does your dp know how you feel? Do you think your dp would be honestly happier if your son wasn't there?

As your son lives with you he appears to have a closer relationship with your son. With such infrequent visits from his own son and no over nights have you discussed how that might impact on both the children and potentially your relationship?

Your SS doesn't appear to be a problem in the sense of as a person but more that he exsists that is the issue.

Do you think that working on increasing visits to feel more of a unit would help? Or are you happy for things to stay as they are?

@MyGodImSoYoung. I agree with you that the situation must be frustrating for the OP. Really the only person who can sort it out is the OP's fiance.

it is easy to project your feelings onto the wrong recipient!

Children can generally tell whether adults like them or not. The OP should give some thought to whether one of the reasons why this boy disappears with her son is because he is not comfortable around her (and also around his dad, with whom he doesn't seem to have much of a relationship). Hanging out with a child almost his own age who he can just play with and who doesn't come with any complications may seem like the safe option. It is for the adults involved to build a relationship with him where he feels part of the family.

For OP, clearly her SS staying in his room for the one day he visits is a similar issue. It doesn't really matter whether it would be an issue for someone else; if it is an issue for OP, then that is fine and completely valid.

Yes, but why is this SS's fault? The parents (in this case, OP's fiance) need to set out appropriate expectations for family time when SS is with them. SS may simply be getting the vibe that he is disliked and staying out of the way as much as possible...That's what I would have done at that age. Growing up, I had one aunt who particularly disliked me and when we stayed with her, I would disappear upstairs with a pile of books and only come down for mealtimes. It was too uncomfortable being around her for long as I could never do anything right.

please bear in mind that the dynamic is entirely created by the adults involved

So now children have no part whatsoever in relational and familial dynamics? They are mute, personality-less, blank slates who bring nothing to any family dynamic?

Hmmm. That's an interesting one...

@LouJ85. Perhaps it is more accurate to say that children are not responsible for family dynamics. Instead, they tend to be responsive to them. If they feel unwanted, for example, they will either retreat or play up. It is not the child's job to implement a more positive family dynamic... that is the adults' responsibility.

@messallover I think your statement has some truth to it but equally it is way off. Younger children I agree can react to their environment, but they can also shut down (through loyalty binds) towards a SP figure. If SS is bonded with his mother and appears in the Op’s house and (essentially) ignores her/ only interacts with the other child- that will create an atmosphere. And the OP will feel like an outsider in her own home.
I’ve experienced the exact same and it’s horrible.

As a child gets older however, they can become fully cognizant of their behaviour and the power it holds - it’s naive to assume otherwise.

Re the presents? OP, you need to bottom this out as essentially it is entirely your DP’s and SS’s mothers choice as to what they spend on the child. I agree with the iPhone at such a young age but plenty of parents buy children this age iPads etc. What you have to bottom out is if you are planning to merge financials, what are your expectations moving forward?

My ex partner continued to spend vast legal sums securing contact with his high conflict ex. His children, his choice. The ex will not settle anytime soon so I can safely assume that court battles will continue as the children get older. That means my ex partners time and money exclusively flow in that direction. Was that ok with me? No, not one bit. Because at the end of the day while I am scrimping and saving and therefore hope to be able to afford nice holidays / quality of life - I was looking at the fact that my money would (essentially) prop my ex up. No. Adamant no.

What am I saying? The money conversations and how much is spent/ how this is decided is really important longer term. Stuff like the iPhone for such a young child is not just ridiculous but it also points to very different parenting standards between you and him.

You have every right to vent and posters here are just being nasty. What I’m saying is that these issues will not go away. I suggest the finances especially are bottomed out before you marry him.

Thanks for your feed back ladies.

To be honest I’ve left out a lot. When I started getting serious with my oh I was introduced to his son. We had a hard time from his sons mother.

They separated when his son almost turned 1! I met him when his son was 5. She would bad mouth me in front of her so when my fiancé would drop his son off. I’ve never met her and I was not the other women. She would scream and shout at my oh during drop offs that my son was not her sons step brother and I would never be his step mum.

So I think what she has said to him over the years contributes to his reason not to stay over!

I on the other hand am happy and supportive of my ex new relationship, as my son appears happy too and that’s what matters,

So the dad only sees his child for a few hours on a Saturday? I'm not surprised his dad doesn't spend this limited amount of time laying down rules and disciplining him.

So the dad only sees his child for a few hours on a Saturday? I'm not surprised his dad doesn't spend this limited amount of time laying down rules and disciplining him.

And herein lies the problems recounted on here and time and time again.

All children require rules and discipline- it is part of what forms a secure attachment base and healthy relational dynamics. If the child requires disciplining when he just so happens to be in Dad's care, and Dad doesn't bother doing it, he sends the message that his son can behave in any which way he pleases. Ultimately doing his son no favours whatsoever. It doesn't matter how limited the time together is - rules and discipline are needed alongside love and fun in order to create healthy well rounded children who develop in healthy well rounded adults.

I totally agree @LouJ85

@LouJ85

So the dad only sees his child for a few hours on a Saturday? I'm not surprised his dad doesn't spend this limited amount of time laying down rules and disciplining him.

And herein lies the problems recounted on here and time and time again.

All children require rules and discipline- it is part of what forms a secure attachment base and healthy relational dynamics. If the child requires disciplining when he just so happens to be in Dad's care, and Dad doesn't bother doing it, he sends the message that his son can behave in any which way he pleases. Ultimately doing his son no favours whatsoever. It doesn't matter how limited the time together is - rules and discipline are needed alongside love and fun in order to create healthy well rounded children who develop in healthy well rounded adults.

Agreed! We have had this chat on a few occasions!

His wee boy spends the day with us and is returned after dinner. I ask that both boys have similar rules and it’s things like tidy up after themselves and no food in the room! Initially my oh wasn’t happy with this however we have since overcome this. It’s not been easy but I had to sit my oh down and have the chat. I suppose all of this contributes to some of my feelings x

I know about feeling resentful when Skids visit, but in my case it was because they were rude with me. I'm trying to understand what's the issue.
Isn't it great that he plays with your son and your son is excited? It's like having a friend over. My SD is 1 year olde than my son and when they were young, they played so nicely, at that time, it actually felt like we were a family. Kids generally prefer being with other kids they like over being with their parents. It's normal, so I understand your fiancé here.
At 9, my SD got a phone from her mom, and since then, she was more interested in her phone and became less nice to my son. It was not so nice for my son anymore. Now at 14 she comes with a laptop, both of them are on their screens, they barely talk. It no longer feels like family....
I understand the issue with the iPhone and how it could influence your son. At the same time, kids get influenced by the gadgets their friends have too. It's something that we unfortunately have to accept.

Other than that, it's normal that when someone that we're not used to comes to our house, it feels different, especially when we love our routine without them. It's something we have to accept. In your case, it seems very rare anyways. Honestly, now that my SD is basically lying on her bed most of the day watching videos and doing her things, her presence doesn't change much. So maybe it will happen with your SS with his phone....