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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I just can’t click with her.

26 replies

Lifesforloving1 · 06/12/2020 08:11

I’m finding this really hard to write as I don’t want to be “mean” about my partners daughter.
My partner having a daughter was never an issue, I really try with her , and treat her as my own when she comes round at weekends but I’m finding her really bloody irritating ! She’s constantly wanting attention weather it be good or bad. She’s lieing, pulling faces behind my partners back , lieing about me to him. Really babyish talking to try and look “cute” . My partner knows full well that she lies. And the school also are fully aware. It’s getting to the point now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with everyone. I’m just stressed every weekend . Any help please ? X

OP posts:

Backbee · 06/12/2020 08:12

How old is she?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2020 08:28

If you could really treat her as your own you’d feel able to tackle the lies and bad behaviour. You can’t treat her as your own because she’s not yours, and that’s normal in a blended situation. If you can’t trust her not to lie about you - you can’t - you can choose not to be alone with her and to insist your partner is always present.

Her age is relevant to the advice people can give you, likewise how often she’s with her dad and what he’s doing to try and address how she’s being.

Original poster

Lifesforloving1 · 06/12/2020 08:39

@AnneLovesGilbert
What I mean is ... when she’s here , I try to treat here like she’s part of us . And do nice things for her like I would my child. I do treat her like a daughter but I’m finding her attitude /ways hard work.
@Backbee
She’s 9 😊

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2020 08:45

I understand that. What I mean is that when things are tricky, or hit the buffers eg with her lying about you, your best intentions don’t mean that you can or want to actually behave like her parent when it comes to tackling it.

What’s her dad doing? Do you know why she’s unhappy? What’s her school doing? Does she lie about her mum as well?

It’s fine not to feel you’re clicking with her, why would you if how she’s behaving is upsetting or potentially dangerous depending on what she’s lying about?

Has anything recently changed in her life that explains why she’s unsettled or unhappy?

Original poster

Lifesforloving1 · 06/12/2020 09:06

@AnneLovesGilbert
Yes , I really am feeling resentment from her. I try my hardest with her. I’m going to take a big step back. My partner knows what’s she’s like . But because it’s his daughter always sees the sunshine from her.
Her background isn’t great .
Her mum has 3 children , with 3 different dads , always men in the house ect.
I’ve been in her life 7 years though . She’s making her parents fall out all the time / playing them off. Lied about me to the school which she’s got in trouble for . I don’t look forward to weekends at the moment tbh .

OP posts:

Newmum2020F · 07/12/2020 06:42

@Lifesforloving1

I’m finding this really hard to write as I don’t want to be “mean” about my partners daughter. My partner having a daughter was never an issue, I really try with her , and treat her as my own when she comes round at weekends but I’m finding her really bloody irritating ! She’s constantly wanting attention weather it be good or bad. She’s lieing, pulling faces behind my partners back , lieing about me to him. Really babyish talking to try and look “cute” . My partner knows full well that she lies. And the school also are fully aware. It’s getting to the point now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with everyone. I’m just stressed every weekend . Any help please ? X

Set firm boundaries it's the only way and reward good behaviour lead by example

Florenzia · 07/12/2020 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 07/12/2020 06:47

Honestly I think she is crying out for help.

Has anyone suggested counselling for her? It sounds like the poor thing has git some real issues.

I had similar issues with dss when he was about 11 (17 now) it turned out he was miserable about things at his mum's but was scared to say anything so acted out against me...easier to be angry at the step than the real parent if you see what I mean.

Original poster

Lifesforloving1 · 08/12/2020 18:43

@Florenzia
Why would I want to find any one childless when I love my partner ?
I was asking for advice ...

OP posts:

Figgygal · 08/12/2020 18:45

Do you have children together?

LouJ85 · 08/12/2020 20:43

She comes as a package with the dad who is not the only man out there for you but her only dad. Find someone childless.

Gosh, that's helpful. 🙄

LouJ85 · 08/12/2020 20:45

[quote Lifesforloving1]@Florenzia
Why would I want to find any one childless when I love my partner ?
I was asking for advice ...[/quote]

It's part of the MN anti stepmother ethos. You aren't allowed to ask for perfectly reasonable advice if they aren't yours - you'll get lynched and told to leave him and find someone childless. If they are your children however, you can ask for advice, vent, moan, all day long, and you're perfectly allowed to and met with helpful responses.

In other words, filter out and ignore the unhelpful shite like that comment

Bollss · 08/12/2020 20:45

@Florenzia

She comes as a package with the dad who is not the only man out there for you but her only dad. Find someone childless.

Can I ask why you felt the need to post that?

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 20:50

If she is behaving like that why don't you pull her on it? Pulling faces behind her father's back a no no for me.
She's testing and pushing boundaries is all. You need to set some in stone and stick to them.

QuentinWinters · 08/12/2020 20:51

My SD can be like this, what helps is to try to be curious about why she might be acting like that rather than annoyed (and it can be annoying).
Usually its turned out to be a reaction to other things in her life and is a sign she is having a bad time. It is wearing but worse for her.
Also at 9 she might just be starting puberty which is also a hard time.
Personally I don't think a "step back" is the answer, I think talking to her dad about it (and her mum if you can) and trying to be her friend is the answer.
Lying about you is unacceptable though and you need to tell her that.

SlightDelay · 08/12/2020 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bollss · 08/12/2020 21:25

@SlightDelay

Florenzia is right. Why do step parents go into a relationship knowing they will always come second and that there will be tensions with a strong chance of dsc dislike then complain about it. You knew what you were getting into.

What. A. Load. Of. Shit.

Can you elaborate on how we knew what we were getting into please , I'd really, really like to hear it.

QuentinWinters · 08/12/2020 22:54

I really want to know where these amazing children partners come from in your 40s/50s. In my experience, childless single men at that age are likely to have been unmarried and there's often good reasons for that.
Childless men are also quite likely to be put off someone with children, especially if they are childless by choice.

There are a lot of men who are fathers and divorce for reasons unrelated to their suitability as a partner.
I love my partner and I love his children, I would rather have that than any other way. This "find someone without children" is just rubbish.

Bollss · 09/12/2020 07:57

@QuentinWinters

I really want to know where these amazing children partners come from in your 40s/50s. In my experience, childless single men at that age are likely to have been unmarried and there's often good reasons for that. Childless men are also quite likely to be put off someone with children, especially if they are childless by choice.

It's not that I think men with children have problems that mean they're unsuitable I'm sure most of them are very lovely however to me it is not worth the stress that comes with it.

Personally my issue has not really been dp. He's lovely, their split wasn't his fault (or anyone's!) He's not a total bastard, and it's not even DSS that's the problem. It's his ex that's the problem and I wouldn't open myself up to that again.

MeridianB · 09/12/2020 09:14

Hi OP

I'd be tempted to step back a bit. Make sure DP and DSD get tons of quality 1:1 time together.

If you want to support you could do meals or maybe play a game together but I'd leave them to do their thing more over the weekend, assuming she is with you then and not living with you/him?

The lying is also a worry. If she is already making things up about you and the school is concerned generally then it's another good reason to spend less time together for a while.

QuentinWinters · 09/12/2020 10:27

It's not that I think men with children have problems that mean they're unsuitable I'm sure most of them are very lovely however to me it is not worth the stress that comes with it
Sorry, it wasn't aimed at you! It was aimed at the posters saying "you knew what you were getting into" and "find someone childless" as if finding a partner is like shopping at Sainsburys. Does my head in. Life isn't simple.

lifestooshort123 · 09/12/2020 10:43

I agree with the backing off. Let them do stuff together and just provide meals etc. Calmly correct her if she lies to you or behaves badly but don't show any reaction - walk away. You don't know what her issues are and her parents ought be addressing the lying with a united front. You might become friends when she's older so don't give up hope!

Bollss · 09/12/2020 12:53

@QuentinWinters

It's not that I think men with children have problems that mean they're unsuitable I'm sure most of them are very lovely however to me it is not worth the stress that comes with it Sorry, it wasn't aimed at you! It was aimed at the posters saying "you knew what you were getting into" and "find someone childless" as if finding a partner is like shopping at Sainsburys. Does my head in. Life isn't simple.

ah right sorry i see!

yes you're right! i thought i was replying to a different thread actually about would you do it again!

I absolutely agree. Life is not simple!

TheBadElfParade · 18/12/2020 13:22

It was hard for me at first too because my own child was totally different. My partners child had been through an ordeal when we first met of getting access to his son so he was finding it hard to adapt only seeing his dad for a few hours. A lot of attention battling, mild violence and tantrums to the extreme. I hated this in my home.

So I stepped back and just let him deal with. It got loads better after that.

In time my partner child settled and now is happy and healthy and behaves generally well. We have a good relationship. I think it changed for me when I realised that actually, he’s only a child and he’s having a difficult time and needed love and understanding. It fell naturally after that.

Crappyfridays7 · 18/12/2020 13:39

Sounds like a 9 year old. They can be liars they can be irritating. You don’t need to click with her, she’s a child.

And she sounds like a 9 year old who has had a fairly chaotic start tbh mum with lots of partners having kids with different men and then lots of men in the house. She likely doesn’t feel particularly settled or secure.

Children need boundaries it gives them grounding, so she knows where she stands and fits in. This is her parents job. Her mum is perhaps not focussed on her or she feels unsettled that mum has lots of men and dad has a partner and she doesn’t fit with either.
Your man needs to step up, and whilst she’s there she needs love and discipline along with boundaries from you both. But also time spent with just her and her dad. It’s so important for him to try to make sure she knows she is his priority. That’s what comes with being a parent (and also why I don’t date men with kids - I have 4 of my own) my priority is them. Speak to your partner, discuss a plan - you might want to not be there when she visits or have set time for them to do their thing but agree on boundaries discipline and potential punishments but don’t go in hard with her be consistent and kind and show love and affection if you can find it In you (it’s hard when They are being pests) if you want to be with this man you need to do this for him, and for this child. It’s not her fault she’s here but the least she deserves is love, care and security.

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