DP and SS

[ketchupplease]

I've been with my DP for 3 years. We moved in together a few months ago (we've rented as a trial to see how it goes before committing to buying).
DP has his DS9 regularly. I have a DS13 but we have opposite weekends so there's not huge amounts of interaction between our DC. They do get on though.
This may be completely normal and I'm just not used to it as this is the first time I've lived with someone who has DC. Whenever DSS is at ours, the whole weekend is centred around him. Where we go, where we don't go, what we eat, what game we play, what we watch on TV etc.
I know when my DS goes to his Dad's (even when he was younger), it was all very much a 'family' decision and DS also had to tidy up after himself etc.
Me, DP, DS and DSS were going somewhere a few weeks back, tickets bought, then last minute DSS decided he didn't want to go. So we didn't.
When DSS is here, DP turns in to someone I don't really recognise. He'll run around after him, follow him from room to room, there will be no discipline and I find it exhausting to watch.
I get on well with my SS - he can be a little spoilt but he's not a bad kid at all. I also make sure that DP and DSS have plenty of time on their own.
If all of this is what normally happens then that is absolutely fine, but I wanted to ask on here as the only thing I can compare to is when DS goes to his Dads.

It sounds like he's being a Disney dad. It may be guilt for only being in his life part time. I feel sorry for his mum because I imagine she'll be getting a lot of 'but at dad's I don't / haven't got to / get to choose. Etc.
He's not helping his son in the long run and it's going to end up damaging your relationship too.

Total Disney dadding.

Don’t move in with him permanently. Can you go back to your former home or rent somewhere for just you and DS?

Ugh. Go read the other threads on this board for some eye opening posts. It’s a trial and my advice is either nip this behaviour in the bud or do not make this move permanent.

Also (sorry) but if you had tickets booked and that included you and your DS in that outing, if DSS decided he didn’t want to go, why didn’t you go with your son?

Take a lesson from someone who took a lot of behaviour on the chin thinking it would settle. It won’t. Address the behaviour now and make it clear that unless you get balance in this home On a trial basis, it won’t become permanent.

No child should have this much sway over a whole family - and your partner is equally part of the problem.

Me, DP, DS and DSS were going somewhere a few weeks back, tickets bought, then last minute DSS decided he didn't want to go. So we didn't.

More fool you. You and your son should have gone.

Well done for having a trial. It wouldn’t work for me. I’m a step mum and my DSC are part of the family unit, not guests who are fawned over. Of course DH misses them when they’re not here but he’s more interested in bringing them up to be decent human beings than pampered royalty so they muck in, go food shopping, clear up after themselves and we balance what everyone wants to do so it’s fair. If he’d acted like this when we were dating and I started spending time with them I’d never have moved in with him. If he’d done it after we’d found somewhere to live together I’d have moved back out rather than marrying him and later buying somewhere.

My parents divorced when I was a young teen, my dad was a parent to us not an adoring fan.

I don’t know how you can respect him. How would you feel if your ex was like this with your son? It’s shit parenting. No excuses. And if he’s only a little bit spoilt now I’d consider that a miracle and down to how personality and possibly his mum’s parenting. He’s being failed by his dad.

It was literally as we were about to leave! My car was in the garage and I'm not insured to drive DP's. SS did get told off (sort of). My DS wasn't bothered about not going as the tickets were for something for SS!
I've tried making gentle suggestions about various things but it's becoming increasingly obvious that DP will not be changing how he parents SS.

How much longer is the ‘trial’ for?

@AnneLovesGilbert I was being polite when I said he was only a 'bit' spoilt. He's very spoilt. SS' Mum treats him pretty much the same as DP does.

@sassbott There are another 3 months left before we'd need to renew or leave.

When DSD comes to ours then we try to do things we know she enjoys and we’ll do things and go places that we wouldn’t go without her; there’s a certain chain restaurant she loves and I think is mostly rubbish but we go because she likes it so much. Now we have our own DC too we try to make compromises so things fit with us all and before we had our own DC I tried to do errand type things when she wasn’t there but there’s not always that luxury now.
It does sound like your DP is over compensating and having no discipline obviously isn’t a good way to go. I would say though that when you don’t have other children to consider it’s easy to centre the weekend around the DC that doesn’t live with you and it doesn’t necessarily seem problematic until other people then become involved and understandably aren’t part of that dynamic.

Is it the norm that DSS won't get himself a drink or snack at 9? Or play on his own for any amount of time? Again I'm only comparing against my own DS (who did do those things at that age).

You know it's not norm.

You must have friends with kids.

You don't need us to tell you or make your mind up where this relationships future is heading.

Not all of my friends have children and the ones that do, they are younger. I wouldn't say it's the norm, no, but I thought I would ask in case I've got it wrong!

You know it’s not the norm.

At 9 mine could get their own cereal/ snacks. Rinse dishes. Put them in the dishwasher. Make beds. Load the washing machine. Unload the dishwasher and washing machine...get the picture?

You also say he won’t play alone. Well no he won’t, not if your DP is running after him all weekend. I used to Think my exes DC were clingy and needy. Until I sat back and watched. It wasn’t just them, it was my ex too. He couldn’t let them play independently for extended periods of time without interrupting - proper helicopter (intrusive) parenting. He was mimicking their mother in the parenting style.

Each to their own I say.

You have a few months to bottom this out. It won’t miraculously solve itself.

@sassbott Did your ex DP's behaviour towards you change when his DC were over?

Yes.

Okay, well he’s being failed by both of his parents equally then so he doesn’t stand a chance. Does he have any friends?

My DH’s behaviour doesn’t change towards me when his children are here and never has. If it did I’d assume he either wasn’t that interested in me or he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

At the risk of sounding snippy, if it’s been like this for 3 years why did you think moving in together was a good idea?

How does he expect you to behave towards his son?

Once you tell him you won’t be renewing what will your housing plans be?

@AnneLovesGilbert He has one friend that I know of. He has fairly poor social skills and can come across quite rude sometimes.
I never spent huge amounts of time with DP and DSS before we moved in together as I felt it was important that they had plenty of alone time. It's only been since the move that I've started seeing these things properly.
It's a bit like DP keeps me and his son in separate boxes and can't have them both open at the same time. He doesn't really expect me to be involved at all, but I'm happy to play board games or make snacks etc.
Once the time is up here I do have the opportunity to move back to our old house so I'm very lucky. That would definitely be the end of me and DP though!

@sassbott If you don't mind me asking, what was it that made you decide you'd had enough?

There’s another thread here about what made you step away from step parenting. I’ve posted a summary in there.

But in essence? My home with my Dc, my relationship with my ex, peaceful. I’m looking for someone to meet my needs as an intimate partner. I could not stomach the dysfunction around his children any longer. I did not want it around my children, in my home. And I wanted someone who could consistently step up for me, the way I can for them (my world does not pivot around my children, it never has).

I want a healthy home and a healthy relationship. And I’d rather be alone then continue to do what I was doing.

To be clear, I invested 4 + years in this relationship. I love my ex. But not a day goes by when I miss anything about his life/ his kids/ his ex. I miss him (I’m human), but nothing else. And I regret my decision not one bit.

Reading this thread I think shows how hard blending families must be.

If the kids are really young or in their teenage years I imagine it may be easier to 'normalise' but I think of my situation (kids are 5,6,10 and 12) and can only imagine what it would look like from the outside when I have them all for the weekend. They do homework /activities etc but at times it is a bit chaotic. I really dont think I could introduce someone to it other than on an occasional l basis.

Specifically OP, 9 is definitely old enough to do things on their own. How often does your DP have his son. Is it EOW?

When DSS is here, DP turns in to someone I don't really recognise. He'll run around after him, follow him from room to room, there will be no discipline and I find it exhausting to watch.

I find it exhausting just to read, never mind watch. Absolutely not normal, as others have said. Couldn't be arsed with that at all. And as for his son dictating trips out? Ridiculous.

I recognise all of this behaviour OP.

In my experience, it doesn't change. It comes from a place of overwhelming guilt at not being with their DC 100% of the time.

I ended up just doing things by myself with our joint DC (I have no previous DC), which made me feel as if I was doing everything by myself. My DP never wanted to even buy a takeaway if DSS was not there, as he felt his DS would be 'missing out'. Never mind that DSS was always doing activities while at his DM's house.

This entitled attitude rubbed off on DSS, and if he found out I'd done any activities with our DC while he was at his DMs (we have EOW contact), he'd be asking me why we didn't wait for him, while DP sat smugly in a corner saying he'd not gone, and smirking. I'd then have to rationalise going out with my DC to a child!

You have to decide whether you can accept this, as for me it got worse over time, and as DSS got older.

@sassbott

There’s another thread here about what made you step away from step parenting. I’ve posted a summary in there.

But in essence? My home with my Dc, my relationship with my ex, peaceful. I’m looking for someone to meet my needs as an intimate partner. I could not stomach the dysfunction around his children any longer. I did not want it around my children, in my home. And I wanted someone who could consistently step up for me, the way I can for them (my world does not pivot around my children, it never has).

I want a healthy home and a healthy relationship. And I’d rather be alone then continue to do what I was doing.

Everything you've said is why I've told my DP that we are splitting in the new year. I'm not immediately looking for someone else, I'd rather be alone than in this relationship.

What really gets me is that our DS4 is beginning to notice the dynamic being played out between his DF and his DB. I can't prevent it while we're together, so at least I'll not suffer watching it when we're apart.

@MrsDoctorDear

Me, DP, DS and DSS were going somewhere a few weeks back, tickets bought, then last minute DSS decided he didn't want to go. So we didn't.

More fool you. You and your son should have gone.

I don't understand why DS had to miss it just because of SS.

This sounds like a disaster in the making.