DP and SS

[ketchupplease]

I've been with my DP for 3 years. We moved in together a few months ago (we've rented as a trial to see how it goes before committing to buying).
DP has his DS9 regularly. I have a DS13 but we have opposite weekends so there's not huge amounts of interaction between our DC. They do get on though.
This may be completely normal and I'm just not used to it as this is the first time I've lived with someone who has DC. Whenever DSS is at ours, the whole weekend is centred around him. Where we go, where we don't go, what we eat, what game we play, what we watch on TV etc.
I know when my DS goes to his Dad's (even when he was younger), it was all very much a 'family' decision and DS also had to tidy up after himself etc.
Me, DP, DS and DSS were going somewhere a few weeks back, tickets bought, then last minute DSS decided he didn't want to go. So we didn't.
When DSS is here, DP turns in to someone I don't really recognise. He'll run around after him, follow him from room to room, there will be no discipline and I find it exhausting to watch.
I get on well with my SS - he can be a little spoilt but he's not a bad kid at all. I also make sure that DP and DSS have plenty of time on their own.
If all of this is what normally happens then that is absolutely fine, but I wanted to ask on here as the only thing I can compare to is when DS goes to his Dads.

In my case it’s DSDs mum who seems to be a bit of a Disney parent who has set DSD as the centre of the known universe, and DH spends his contact time trying to fight against it. It’s sometimes a bit of a culture shock for her to discover (and she “discovers” this as if for the first time EOW) that she’s expected to pick up after herself and that with us she’s part of a family, and everything isn’t always going to be about her.
It’s hard enough to watch this, I don’t know how I’d feel long term if DH was just indulging his Princess all the time. It wouldn’t be particularly healthy for anyone involved, and I think I’d also become hugely resentful of one child’s demands over riding everyone else. Resentment must be up there in the Top 5 list of relationship killers.

Such a shame @itsovernowthen - even your ds can see such an unhealthy dynamic going on.

The very antithesis of ‘a blended unit’ this behaviour only serves to keep the people on the two sides of the unit divided.

Your soon to be ex DP is an idiot to let this be the cause of another relationship breakdown and another separated parenting scenario.

for you

Op, all I will say to you is this.
My ExDP is a good guy. He’s a little selfish and self absorbed, but on the whole, he has good intent. When his children were not around or he didn’t have a bee in his bonnet about them, he was relaxed (borderline lazy), but quite a nice calm person to be around.

When they were around? It was like being around a different man. Everything had to be perfect, it wasn’t relaxing to be around. It’s almost like he flipped from this relaxed guy into a drill Sargent and everyone (including his family if there) were there to ensure his children had fun. Family life couldnt just ‘be’. Heaven forbid the adults did their own thing and read the papers. Or that the children (who got along) played and didn’t necessarily include his children. Because he viewed his time with them as so precious (and limited), it was as if everyone had to cram everything in around that time.

I (after a period of time refused to align to that). And then I’d get ‘why don’t you spend time with my children? What’s wrong with you? You have a problem with my children.’

Some people may understand that. Me? Not one bit. It’s the complete antithesis to what I think is a healthy, balanced family home. I get stressed even typing about it now tbh. I hated it.

Children are children. No world should pivot around them. If other children are playing and because of interests/ age differences, play gets separated, by all means try and balance it (and intervene a little so complete exclusion doesn’t happen), but to try and force play to be joined, it simply doesn’t work. I can remember heaps of times in my childhood that my older cousins didn’t include me in their play, it was what it was. Didn’t bother me and it was part and parcel of growing up. Sometimes we played together, sometimes we didn’t. No adult intervened and told us what we should do.

What’s my point? I tried to work with my exp for years - and it simply didn’t work. I ended up removing myself from contact completely - only doing a few hours here and there. I realised that how he chooses to parent is up to him. They are his children. But it was also my choice to not allow my children (or myself) to be part of what he was doing.

This really will not get better. Bluntly, if I had allowed things to continue as my ex was acting. A two tier system would have come into place. Normal world - with my kids. And a primary world - where when his kids were with him, everyone else got moved into second place. Because the golden children had arrived. Not a chance I was tolerating that around me or my children.

I don’t miss his children, the dynamic around them or any of the drama one bit. I’m so glad to be out of it.

I agree with everyone else. You know none of this is normal or healthy.

This is exactly the kind of thing that kills relationships. No matter how much you love someone, it won’t survive them acting like you’re a Victorian servant (ideally neither seen nor heard, but doing all the work anyway). And the quickest way to kill any possibility of desire is watching an adult let their child be in charge of them.

My DH is a good guy. He sounds a bit like @sassbott’s description of her ex in several ways. But he does tend towards Disney dad behaviour in ways that are exasperating.

His ex appears to Disney mum mostly. And she makes sure the world centres around DSD. There’s a problematic golden child/scapegoat dynamic, and it is damaging to both children. DH is lazy and, as far as I can (now) tell, left all the parenting to his ex / just went along with everything. Now he tries to blame his ex for the myriad issues (rudeness, constant demands, etc) but I don’t accept that. They’re here 1/3 of the time (and 1/2 the holidays); if they’re rude, demanding and behave badly it’s his fault.

It’s good that you’re doing a trial and can go back to your previous house. Because you just can’t tell what it’s going to be like until you’re actually living with a man and his DC. You just don’t see this stuff until you do.

I have started to dread weekends with my DSC. Objectively things have improved in several ways because DH has listened to me telling him that I cannot live with certain things. But it’s still not good and I end up really angry at him and resentful that he won’t just accept that parenting is often about doing and saying things the children don’t like.

The thing that’s really got me down this weekend is the way in which DH changes when the SDC are here. Yesterday he followed them around and pandered to them all day. I could hear the almost constant demands from (I want.../do this...) and telling offs (you haven’t done... / no. I wanted ... / what about my drink?!?) he gets from them. And him just doing what he’s told. All of that is enough to make my entire body want to shrivel up. But I have been particularly pissed off at how the rest of us just become second class citizens and I’m literally left holding the baby while he lets himself be bossed around by a 4 year old. The low point was that he strapped the baby into the high chair next to me on the kitchen and left me to cook dinner with an increasingly irate baby while he went off to pander to his kids some more. Because clearly they matter more than us.

I don’t want to feel resentful but I don’t believe anyone would be happy being left to deep fry chicken (DH’s request) with a crying 4 month old when there’s an adult in the house who could help but is choosing to play with his other children instead. Especially not when the two children he prioritised then sulked about the food (and their father did nothing). My DS was utterly amazed that they were acting as if I’d served them tripe with a side of over-boiled sprouts, rather than ‘slightly fancy chicken nuggets’ (his description) for dinner.

Thank you all - everything you've said is very helpful. I kick myself that I didn't notice this all before. Well I did, but not to this extent.

Some of the examples that have been given are very similar. DP doesn't want to do anything with me and my DS unless SS is here, even though he does plenty with his own Mum.

DS and SS play the same game on the Xbox. Before we moved in together if DS was playing it online with his friends I would get a phone call from DP saying that SS wanted to play with them but DS wasn't accepting his request. My answer? Maybe DS wants to play with just his mates on this occasion. DP wasn't happy with that.

SS is bought pretty much whatever he wants, I don't usually hear a thank you.

Before we lived together, I would not hear from DP nearly all day if he had SS yet when I had my DS he would get a bit huffy if I didn't reply within a few hours.

Another similar example - it seems like DP gets told off by SS if he doesn't do what he wants or if he's asked to do something that he doesn't want to. It makes me cringe.

I've tried politely pointing things out to DP but I got told that he parents differently to me and that's that.

I've still got a few months to ride out but the whole situation just makes me so sad. When DP isn't consumed by SS he's actually a pretty great person to be around.

Sounds like very hard work. And his expectations are really strange.

A 13 year old playing fortnite with his friends is obviously going to reject requests from a 9 year old kid he doesn’t see that much. It’s just not reasonable to expect him to do anything else.

I don’t make my 11 year old play with my DSC. He doesn’t want to. Why would he want to play with a 4 year old boy or an extremely bossy nearly 7 year old girl (who will sulk if everyone doesn’t do what she tells them to)?

Even when he does play with them (for example, if there’s the possibility of a water fight in the summer), he ends up frustrated because DSD throws a tantrum and won’t play properly (no one is allowed to get her wet, but they’re supposed to stand still and let her shoot them) and DSS can’t manage to do it anyway (so DS would be expected to just help him).

I have had to explain all this to DH though. Because he doesn’t want the DSC not to be the centre of everything. The really amazing thing is that he dislikes the way they play too. He doesn’t want to try to have a water fight with a sulky girl who ruins things for everyone. Or a boy who is too young for the game and can’t work the water gun. He wants to chase an 11 year old around and pretend he’s still a teenage boy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think divorced dad guilt turns part of the logic off in some men’s heads. And they start imagining that everyone’s world should revolve around their children. But, at the same time, they should have loads of sympathy for how hard work it is to pander to the despots they’ve created.

Only then can you start imagining that someone else’s teenager (in a different house?) should drop everything because your 9 year old wants to play online with them.

I think divorced dad guilt turns part of the logic off in some men’s heads. And they start imagining that everyone’s world should revolve around their children.

Agreed. I wouldn't make my DD14 "play" with my DP's 10 year old daughter either. They are at totally different developmental stages and have very little in common. Surely play is supposed to be fun rather than forced, and therefore kids should have some choice as to who their playmates are? For that reason I wouldn't be forcing them to play together even if they were both my own children, either. Bizarre guilt-ridden divorced Dad "logic" in full force.