I just don't like them

BuckingHell · 2020-12-02T20:30:47+00:00

Struggling at the moment with my feelings surrounding this. I just don't like one of my DSC at all. I find them really irritating, rude and babyish (babied by their parents for being the youngest to be fair). I get on with my other DSC brilliantly and if it weren't for these feelings about one of them, I'd actually really enjoy being a step parent.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Amira19 · 02/12/2020 20:32

How old is the youngest child?

Original poster

BuckingHell · 02/12/2020 20:34

10

OP posts:

DianeChambers · 02/12/2020 20:36

How long have you been married?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 02/12/2020 22:09

Im actually having similar issues with a 10yo DSC.
But in my case its mostly that his mother is using him as a spy and a weapon to try extort more money and in doing so is hurting DH, Myself and all the other children in the family.

This coupled with that SC always 'accidentally' hurts my DC who are much younger and falls out with my older DC (from another relationship) saying genuinely horrible things.

I do feel awful for how little I like SC as they are DH's child and my DC's sibling and we used to be very close but they (mostly their mother) has made family time so awful that I have limited contact SC has with the other children which hasn't gone down well either.

I don't have any advice but guess it might help to know you arent alone 🤷‍♀️

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 22:09

Have you always felt like this or is it recent?

Is the 10 year old the trickier one? One of my DSC was a major pain at that age. If I found them annoying, DH was regularly raging on the inside and his ex was raging on the outside. The rows going on at hers were epic and the bits of drama and bullshittery we had here was exhausting at times. It got better.

You’re never going to love or even like everyone in your life. Do your feelings affect how you are with them? Do you manage to be kind and make them feel welcome?

Original poster

BuckingHell · 03/12/2020 09:11

Married 3 years together 5.

I've always felt like this to a degree. More so the older they are getting though because you no longer have the cuteness of a small child to outweigh any of it I guess!

Yes they have always been the most difficult and the least pleasant in general. I don't know whether it's just because the others are particularly nice / easy kids and the 10yr old is normal so it's a contrast or vice versa.

One of them in particular is so lovely, always helps out, very sweet and always has been. He's an absolute delight truly. 10 year old wouldn't help with anything if you were on fire unless you bribed him with money or something similar. They just get away with absolutely everything because they are 'the baby' and it's turning them (or has already) into a spoilt brat frankly who people don't like being around.

I always treat them the same as the others, speak to them the same, same treats etc... But that includes discipline and things like chores though too and I don't let them get away with things their parents probably would.

Like if I ask them to help me put some shopping away or whatever and the others come and do it without complaint, I'm not going to bribe him to do it too with money or sweets like his dad would and then laugh about it.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 03/12/2020 11:26

I sympathise OP.

I do like both of my stepkids but when they do annoying/nasty things it's tough to move past it and not think of them every time you're about to see them. You just don't have that same forgive & forget level that you'd have with your own children.

My 2 are similar in that one is a delight and so easy-going and the other (also the younger) frequently acts up and acts very babyish as they are mollycoddled most of the time. As such their behaviour is more akin to a 4/5 year old than the 7-year-old they are. It is getting more evident how inappropriate it is as they age so hopefully others in the family will start to change their attitude and be a little more strict.

I do feel for you as I know how much you end up dreading visits when there is an issue like this.

KumquatSalad · 03/12/2020 15:01

It’s OK not to particularly like one of your DSC @BuckingHell. Some children (like people of all ages) are less likeable than others. It’s just true.

Pinkyxx · 03/12/2020 18:35

It's totally OK to not like one of your step kids. God, I found my own DC highly irritating / exasperating at a particular age - thankfully now outgrown! The spoilt thing you describe doesn't help if this they're raised contrary to your own values..

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 18:52

I agree this is normal. We aren't supposed to like everyone, and that's ok.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 03/12/2020 18:56

It’s not him you don’t like, it’s his behaviour. That’s different and perfectly ok - he sounds like an entitled wotsit. You can correct the behaviour but if he senses dislike then you’ve got some work to do with him in terms of your relationship. I find my own 11 year old hard to like at times.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 19:00

The spoilt thing you describe doesn't help if this they're raised contrary to your own values..

Such a good point and a huge part of the problem with step kids, I often find.

Notcrackersyet · 03/12/2020 20:37

@DianeChambers
And the point of your question is?

HollowTalk · 03/12/2020 21:05

It sounds as though your husband is a big part of the problem, if he's behaving like that over unpacking bags etc.

DianeChambers · 03/12/2020 22:49

[quote Notcrackersyet]@DianeChambers
And the point of your question is?[/quote]
To see whether the behaviour could be connected to his dad remarrying and then addressed. But 5 years of this suggests dad is doing little to address it. What’s the point of yours question? It sounded aggressive, like you were projecting? As youve not actually responded to the op....

Like if I ask them to help me put some shopping away or whatever and the others come and do it without complaint, I'm not going to bribe him to do it too with money or sweets like his dad would and then laugh about it.

Could you go the opposite way and really praise / reward the children for being helpful? Ignore the poor behaviour of the 10 yr old? Does sound like your dh is the problem. He certainly isnt the solution. 5 years is a long time to have put up with this.

seashellseashell123 · 04/12/2020 00:36

It's ok not to like one of your step children, I don't like either of mine

I am joking mostly but neither of them are particularly likeable children because of how they've been brought up by their mother despite my DH's best efforts. When you don't have that unconditional love like you would for your own kids it's so difficult to put up with irritating/entitled/bratty behaviour which is exactly how my step children are with rudeness and bad manners for good measure.

Notcrackersyet · 04/12/2020 06:55

@DianeChambers if you visit here regulatly you’ll see that Ops often get a hard time from posters for various recurring reasons. One is calling the kids DSCs when not married. Op didn’t give any indication she was married yet you asked her how long she’d been married. That’s all.

Notcrackersyet · 04/12/2020 13:40

Sorry OP didn’t mean to derail your thread. No advice to offer except empathy. Ten year olds can be annoying!!

YoungScrappyHungry · 04/12/2020 15:35

Could have written your thread OP but about my DSD14. She's just.......Not a great person to be around, and never has been (known her since she was 8).
I guess we just have to suck it up. Don't pander to it and keep being firm with chores etc, but accept that some kids just like some adults, we're not going to get on with as well as others.

AlternativePerspective · 04/12/2020 15:46

Tbh I think that actively disliking the DSC makes a relationship untenable.

I understand not liking a child, any child for whatever reason, but when that child is your partner’s child, who your partner would (hopefully) put above you, I can’t see how a relationship can work long-term.

Bearing in mind that this isn’t a case of OP not liking the child (at the moment), we’ve all been there, even with our own biological children, but she doesn’t like him at all and never has, since he was a five year old How does the DH reconcile that? If my DP disliked my child to that extent, even if he didn’t show it, there is no way I could stay in the relationship. He is obviously free to like or dislike whoever he wants, but disliking my child who he lived with would make the relationship incompatible for me. I also fail to see how someone feels they can stay in a relationship if they dislike the children and they know that those children should come before them.

DogsAreBetterThanPeopleK · 04/12/2020 16:05

If my DP disliked my child to that extent, even if he didn’t show it

And you'd know how exactly if he didn't show it?

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2020 19:21

I also fail to see how someone feels they can stay in a relationship if they dislike the children and they know that those children should come before them

There's a lot to unpick it that comment.

First of all, it's a lot easier and more tempting than you'd think to stay in a relationship where you don't like the children when you are dating a NRP and the amount of time you're with them is proportionally small.

As to the second part, the children should come before any cruelty or mistreatment by the step parent but I don't go through life "knowing" that they should come before me, it isn't a competition.

LouJ85 · 04/12/2020 19:29

I also fail to see how someone feels they can stay in a relationship if they dislike the children and they know that those children should come before them

Oh this again. 🙄

No, I don't believe my partner's kids "come before" me and nor does my partner. His relationship with me is of equal importance to that with his children. Why oh why is there a constant narrative that someone must "come first" or "second"? As @aSofaNearYou said, it's not a competition.

TedTookVows · 04/12/2020 20:03

As was said, very well I thought, on a recent thread, when you are not the wife or long term partner of your OH, and just a girlfriend who may stay or go, your relationship with the children is in a honeymoon phase and things can alter when temporary hiccups or things you consider too small to make a fuss over have evolved into long term issues. Or things you didn't notice at first such as Disney parenting or manipulative behaviour can come to the fore.

And that's on both sides.

It isn't as easy as "you knew he had children"

The answer to that is :

Yes, but I didn't know his ex was going to challenge everything that happens in our house....

I didn't know he guilt parents...

I didn't know she ALWAYS gets her own way if there are tears...

Things are complex. "You knew he had kids" is reductive

(Not a stepmum)

YoungScrappyHungry · 05/12/2020 07:17

I hope those who say 'You knew what you were getting yourself into' say the same to biological.parents.

Baby crying in the night?
You knew what you were getting yourself into when you got pregnant
Toddler not listening?
You knew what you were getting yourself into
Teenager being rude?
You knew what you were getting yourself into.

Doesn't seen so logical now does it?