I just don't like them

[BuckingHell]

Struggling at the moment with my feelings surrounding this.

I just don't like one of my DSC at all. I find them really irritating, rude and babyish (babied by their parents for being the youngest to be fair).

I get on with my other DSC brilliantly and if it weren't for these feelings about one of them, I'd actually really enjoy being a step parent.

I hope those who say 'You knew what you were getting yourself into' say the same to biological.parents.

Can you imagine the uproar if the same was applied to biological parents who came on here for support?

"But .. surely you knew that the end result of pregnancy is a baby, and that babies are hard work? You made your bed. Get on with it."

Just wouldn't happen, would it?

Shows clearly the double standards applied to step parents on here.

@TedTookVows

As was said, very well I thought, on a recent thread, when you are not the wife or long term partner of your OH, and just a girlfriend who may stay or go, your relationship with the children is in a honeymoon phase and things can alter when temporary hiccups or things you consider too small to make a fuss over have evolved into long term issues. Or things you didn't notice at first such as Disney parenting or manipulative behaviour can come to the fore.

And that's on both sides.

It isn't as easy as "you knew he had children"

The answer to that is :

Yes, but I didn't know his ex was going to challenge everything that happens in our house....

I didn't know he guilt parents...

I didn't know she ALWAYS gets her own way if there are tears...

Things are complex. "You knew he had kids" is reductive

(Not a stepmum)

Yes. It’s definitely much more complex.

And each of the exacerbating factors can amplify the others.

So the DSC lie to their mother about things because they know she’ll throw a fit, interfere and possibly threaten to withdraw contact. The DSC learn they can manipulate the situation and cause loads of trouble. Their dad worries he won’t get to see them and becomes ever more permissive and enabling.

The children learn that the way to please mum is by complaining about dad, and especially SM. And she keeps telling them how much she misses them etc. This creates a loyalty bind so they feel guilty any time they enjoy themselves at dad’s house. So they sabotage it. Dad panics and becomes even more permissive / Disney style. This makes it worse as they feel even more guilty for enjoying the new toys etc. plus the lack of boundaries is unsettling and the skewed power dynamics undermine their sense of security.

Meanwhile, they’re becoming really quite unpleasant people. But everyone is busy pointing the finger at a SM who really can’t enjoy the company of the child, to recognise that the issue is the child’s parents and the dynamics between them.

KumquatSalad so, so true, and it is so sad that it is the children who are so affected by the unhealthy behaviour of the parents. My partners ex told their children she doesn’t want to hear about anything they do at our house. She makes a face when my name is mentioned. I once plaited the older ones hair - at her request, after she’d been swimming - and when she mentioned it her mum got upset and redid it immediately. I don’t understand how she can’t see the only person this really affects or upsets is her children. I couldn’t care less. I’m really mindful of what I say to my children about their dad and his partner for precisely this reason.

@Iyiyi

KumquatSalad so, so true, and it is so sad that it is the children who are so affected by the unhealthy behaviour of the parents. My partners ex told their children she doesn’t want to hear about anything they do at our house. She makes a face when my name is mentioned. I once plaited the older ones hair - at her request, after she’d been swimming - and when she mentioned it her mum got upset and redid it immediately. I don’t understand how she can’t see the only person this really affects or upsets is her children. I couldn’t care less. I’m really mindful of what I say to my children about their dad and his partner for precisely this reason.

Me too. I am always positive about my ex to DS. I emphasise how much he enjoys spending time with his dad, and I encourage him to continue to do so. I figure the best thing I can do for my son is to help him to have the best possible relationship with his father. It doesn’t matter what I think of my ex.

It’s a shame that some people can’t look beyond their own feelings and put their children first.

It is amazing the difference between the co-parenting relationship I have with my ex (based on us both trusting each other and just trying to be reasonable/do what DS prefers) and DH’s with his ex.

For example, my ex and I sorted christmas with no real debate. He wants the second week of the holidays every year so he can visit his parents for the whole week (they’re a support bubble for him right now). I get the first week but I offered him some time on Christmas Day because DS wants to see him. All easy and DS is happy. He gets both his parents on Christmas Day and a week at his grandparents (who are lovely).

DH’s and his ex have to argue and barter. He had the DSC Christmas Eve/Christmas morning last year. She was not happy and insisted he should drop them off really early at hers on Christmas Day (10am!). She’s got them this year and she’s arguing that he can’t pick them up til 4pm. What’ll happen is she’ll text him on the day and it’ll be 5pm, then 6pm, then 7pm (bedtime). She’s got form. With both of them it’s always about fighting over what they want. Neither of them sits down and thinks: the DC probably want to see both of us, so we should split the day fairly so they can have a lovely Christmas. And we should stop trying to renegotiate/hold the kids hostage on the day to get what we want.