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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to be positive about this.

43 replies

Spelda · 29/11/2020 17:52

Name changed as I know I’m being selfish but I can’t help my feelings.

Me and DP live separately he has 2 DCs from previous relationship and 1 with me.... I have 1 from a previous relationship. He lives with his parents and I have my house.

Due to his DC having to isolate and then me getting covid he hasn’t been able to see his DC for a month... usually has them 2 overnights a week. He is due to see them this week and his mum has just said she doesn’t feel comfortable with the children going there at the moment as she is vunerable and we are in a tier 3 area.

So I have said he can have them here but I’m just so depressed about it. I’ve been stuck indoors for 2 weeks and was looking forward to him going home for a couple of nights and me getting some time to myself. Now not only is that not happening I have another 2 dcs here and am going to have to give up my bed and sleep in my sons room while they are here. (He has ADHD and them Sharing his room isn’t an option without unsettling things)

My mind is just thinking of all the extra chaos, mess and disruption and I can’t get it out my head. I’m obviously going to suck it up as it’s not fair on DP or his DC to go any longer but loosing my house and routines deflates me.

The agreement is its until Christmas and then he will go home but I feel like it will be expected by his mum and dps ex for me to do this for longer and I won’t be able to say no as I’ve done it already. I made it clear from the start, living together would only be an option when we could afford to live somewhere with rooms for us all and now I feel I’m getting forced into a situation I didn’t want if this goes on long term.

So positive mindset help for me please as it is me that’s the problem and I’m fully aware I need to change that.

OP posts:

BloodyColdEgg · 30/11/2020 10:36

Nope, I wouldn't be giving up my bed. You're doing your partner a favour, he / they can sleep on blow up beds. You don't live together so it isn't their home, it's yours. They are guests there whether he likes it or not.

Why is it fine for his mum to say no to her grandchildren but not for you? This is your partner's problem. It's very kind that you've said he can use your home even though you aren't comfortable but I would not also then be giving up my room to accommodate it. Not a chance. Where is he compromising in all this??

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/11/2020 10:41

No way would l give up my bed. That’s way too much of an ask. I can see why you aren’t thrilled by you all living together.

Ohalrightthen · 30/11/2020 10:47

I hope he's paying you CMS OP.

funinthesun19 · 30/11/2020 11:04

Why is it fine for his mum to say no to her grandchildren but not for you?

Because apparently, according to the ex, they are the op’s responsibility Yeah right.

Original poster

Spelda · 30/11/2020 11:28

No I don’t get CMS, he pays half for gifts and maybe grabs bits if I runout and he’s around. He does pay ex always but he’s crap with money hence we don’t live all together.

I’ve said I can’t do it and they can’t come he for day time, ex is ranting to him but I’m just staying out of it, I’ve said this needs to be the best solution for everyone and that’s the best I can comfortably accommodate.

They weren’t aware they were going to stay here yet so it’s not like they thought they was going to and I took it away as far as they know it was never an option in the first place.

@AnneLovesGilbert forgot to say thank you regarding covid and I’m much better now

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 30/11/2020 11:31

Gifts?

He should be paying half your costs of the baby!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2020 11:33

He doesn’t sound great OP. Very glad you’re better. Would you get more if you went through the CMS? Is he salaried or self employed? I’m afraid being rubbish with money doesn’t cut it when you choose to bring several children into the world, all of whom need feeding, clothing and accommodating. His failings aren’t your responsibility. He owes whatever the amounts are to his children, all of them, and both of their mothers who have primary residence. I imagine the bits he’s picking up leave the vast majority to you to sort.

I know this wasn’t what you posted about it but this latest issue might show quite how feckless he actually is. Definitely don’t move in with him.

Ohalrightthen · 30/11/2020 11:55

You need to apply for CMS. He needs to be paying for his child.

Original poster

Spelda · 30/11/2020 11:58

@VanGoghsDog
No he helped with Christmas presents and that was touch and go to be honest. Obviously these are other issues aside from me treating the children as outcasts and keeping an odd set up to exclude his children from my little family as per today’s rant from ex.

It’s hard trying to work though a relationship that has its problems (money and responsibility) with another person involved with a completely different perspective and who sees very little reason in situations, I’m not entirely sure how you are supposed to blend a family when that seems to just mean you have to appease the ex as im expected to live and die by her children or massive dramas unfold regardless of what that means for you.
The day my DC was born was supposed to be a contact day and DP said he would get them the following afternoon instead and it was a massive drama despite the fact we had said contact could change if I have the baby.... I just can’t understand being so selfish but expecting me to uproot my whole life in any situation that inconveniences her or the children.

I’ve given what I can it’s a take it or leave it situation now I guess but I just feel abit annoyed about the whole situation from all sides.... sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 30/11/2020 12:14

I just can’t understand being so selfish but expecting me to uproot my whole life in any situation that inconveniences her or the children.

This is about her being fed up of his shit, it's not about you.

But I've been a step parent, I fully understand the feeling of your life being based on the desires and preferences of someone you have no connection to! It sucks.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/11/2020 13:30

Blimey OP you'd be letting them all take you for a complete mug if you don't say no to them not staying over at yours for 3 weeks. There's no practical reason your DP can't see his children for daytimes other than what your DP and his ex would prefer to happen. Why is it your responsibility to facilitate their preferences? You said he's crap with money and he doesn't financially contribute anything meaningful towards your shared DC so I am willing to bet it's not about overnights, it's about you paying for all the extra food, electrcity, hot water etc if he brings them to your house rather than him making alternative arrangements like an air b&b.

What is it he envisages changing between now and 3 weeks time which means they can stay elsewhere instead of at yours? And why can't that be arranged now? If he and his ex are that sulky and entitled I think the conflict they cause might well split you up regardless so you may as well put your foot down now to see what happens and potentially not put you and your DC through 3 weeks of hell, rather than it all blowing up later after they've finished using you.

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2020 13:42

Did he want the baby? Just that he seems pretty passive towards him.

Why is he even in your life, he sounds like an eejit.

JaniceSopranoJr · 30/11/2020 13:51

Again, why doesn't he get his own flat so that he can accommodate his children?

Why does it have to be your responsibility and at the expense of your children?

funinthesun19 · 30/11/2020 18:19

me treating the children as outcasts and keeping an odd set up to exclude his children from my little family as per today’s rant from ex.

She just hack it that you’re not interested in welcoming her children in to your home and your little family on a permanent basis can she?

The very fact that you don’t live together weakens her and her children’s position in your life and she doesn’t like it. The way you run your household does not take in to account her children practically or financially and they don’t fit in to your family schedules and she doesn’t like that either. They’ve not got a leg to stand on if he’s not living with you and she knows it. I’d keep it that way because the moment he moves in it will be demand after demand after demand from her. At least now you can keep your head held high and tell her where to go because it’s not their home and it’s not your problem whatever xyz problem she has eg childcare or money.

SylvieSangFroid · 30/11/2020 18:39

I have to say I kind of agree that I wouldn't be rushing to move in with him, for all the reasons already stated. I feel sorry for his kids, but they really aren't much to do with you if you and he don't live together.

MeridianB · 30/11/2020 18:44

If he was a kind, supportive partner, who took his financial responsibilities seriously, then it would be so much easier to help him out.

As it is, he’s a selfish, demanding arse, who is happily passing on abusive messages from his ex to try and bully you into doing what HE wants.

If he’s pay little or no rent to his parents, where does all his money go? It sounds like you’d have a better life without him and treat him to another CMS claim. You deserve better, OP.

fishonabicycle · 30/11/2020 19:25

Your partner's relationship with his kids is not your problem. You don't need to enable it at all. Say no. Let him sort it out. He sounds fucking useless.

fishonabicycle · 30/11/2020 19:27

Don't move in with him. You will suddenly have 2 more children and a man baby to look after.

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