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Original poster

How to be positive about this.

43 replies

Spelda · 29/11/2020 17:52

Name changed as I know I’m being selfish but I can’t help my feelings.

Me and DP live separately he has 2 DCs from previous relationship and 1 with me.... I have 1 from a previous relationship. He lives with his parents and I have my house.

Due to his DC having to isolate and then me getting covid he hasn’t been able to see his DC for a month... usually has them 2 overnights a week. He is due to see them this week and his mum has just said she doesn’t feel comfortable with the children going there at the moment as she is vunerable and we are in a tier 3 area.

So I have said he can have them here but I’m just so depressed about it. I’ve been stuck indoors for 2 weeks and was looking forward to him going home for a couple of nights and me getting some time to myself. Now not only is that not happening I have another 2 dcs here and am going to have to give up my bed and sleep in my sons room while they are here. (He has ADHD and them Sharing his room isn’t an option without unsettling things)

My mind is just thinking of all the extra chaos, mess and disruption and I can’t get it out my head. I’m obviously going to suck it up as it’s not fair on DP or his DC to go any longer but loosing my house and routines deflates me.

The agreement is its until Christmas and then he will go home but I feel like it will be expected by his mum and dps ex for me to do this for longer and I won’t be able to say no as I’ve done it already. I made it clear from the start, living together would only be an option when we could afford to live somewhere with rooms for us all and now I feel I’m getting forced into a situation I didn’t want if this goes on long term.

So positive mindset help for me please as it is me that’s the problem and I’m fully aware I need to change that.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 29/11/2020 18:28

You don't need to change how you feel about it at all, you are doing your DP a favour this time.

That doesn't obligated you to carry it on. You aren't living together for a reason and the current situation doesn't mean you have to change that. It says a lot that rather than thank you for helping out now they will put pressure on you to give more.

Your opinion is valid and you don't have to justify yourself.

lunar1 · 29/11/2020 18:28

Sorry, that was a rant, but you really aren't the problem here.

SylvieSangFroid · 29/11/2020 18:32

Agree with the pp. You don't have to change how you feel about it. It sounds really tough. I understand why you wouldn't be delighted at the prospect of sharing a house when there is a reason you aren't, which is that you don't have space!

These are unusual times. I know a few couples who are now living together when they weren't planning to yet. It is rough though and there is no reason you can't feel that way!

funinthesun19 · 29/11/2020 18:48

Wow you’re doing him a massive favour! You don’t have to do it for longer than agreed just to please his mum and ex. Truthfully you don’t have to do it at all.

You don’t have to be positive or excited about it so don’t feel like you have to be.

MeridianB · 29/11/2020 19:20

Could they visit at yours but not stay overnight?

It seems such a huge upheaval. Will your DP and the 2 SDC sleep in your bed??

Original poster
Spelda · 29/11/2020 20:00

Thanks everyone, I feel horrible so it’s nice that others understand.

I kind of feel like I do have to do this as he has been crying, the kids have been upset so I don’t feel keeping them away from eachother longer is really an option even if it does mean me being uncomfortable.

@MeridianB I did feel like saying this but I suggested that when his mum said this before and he wasn’t that keen on the idea. He works shifts so his contact days often fall on when they are at school so he doesn’t feel like he gets to see them much anyway and would lose the time in the morning with them. His mum backtraked last time I suggested that so It was ok. His DC being in contact with someone with covid and then me getting covid feels abit close to home for her now and she feels it’s too risky. I do feel like suggesting that but I know there will be tears if I do but it is a massive upheaval.
One will be in my bed with him and the other one a blow up bed on my floor.
I’ll be on my sons bottom bunk but couldn’t put them in there as my son won’t sleep with them in there. My youngest is in a box room and still wakes in the night so in there isn’t an option either.

It’s the backlash of me refusing to do this again if his mum still won’t let them there after these few weeks are up that I’m worried about. I refused to have DC here for his contact when lockdown first happened in March and ex was angry about it as I apparently needed to learn that the children are my responsibility. So I feel like I know what’s coming up next and that’s why it feels like I’m about to open a door of stress I could do without.

I have made it explicitly clear I'm only prepared to do this for the 3 weeks and if it goes on longer DP will need to find another solution but I don’t think anyone is thinking of alternatives and the expectation will be everyone stays here.

OP posts:
JaniceSopranoJr · 29/11/2020 20:03

Sounds like he needs to get his own place, rather than with his parents.

Original poster
Spelda · 29/11/2020 20:08

@JaniceSopranoJr I agree... they spend half the year abroad usually so I don’t think it was much of an issue for him previously but obviously now it’s caused massive issues all round. He is just planning on riding this out until this is all over as it’s temporary... but the stress feels permanent to me at the moment.

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 29/11/2020 20:20

His parents, his ex and he all need to quickly grasp you are doing this to help due to the situation. He needs to start having a plan of what next. If his parents are usually away 6 months then he needs get his head out of the sand that they may not be travelling soon. And being as it is their house he doesn't have a lot of say if they don't want the kids there. Why can't he just make plans to rent somewhere for 6 months and then see where things are at with everything. It is not fair you are being backed into a corner and he should be bending over backwards to make this easy for you. The sleeping situation sounds the best it can be for all. But picking after them, getting food in, feeding them, entertaining them should all be on him. And how he behaves these next 3 weeks will tell you a lot about how much he appreciates what you are doing for him and his kids.

Tiredoftattler · 29/11/2020 20:21

You need to revisit your theory on when you can say"no." In your own home, there is never a time when you cannot say " no" about anything.

These times and circumstances are creating difficulties and changes for all of us, but we must learn to adapt. It would be more convenient to have my kids at school on a daily basis, but that is not an option. So, I must adjust. Your partner and his kids should try Skype to stay in touch. It isn't as much fun as being together, but it may be all that your load and his available options can accommodate at the moment.

Don't look for happy right now; look for what works best given the circumstances.

Reasonable people recognize that these are not normal times.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2020 23:30

I hope you’re better now, sorry you’ve been ill. You don’t have to host them. You don’t have to do it again even if you decide to this time. It’s your home. Your children have to be your priority.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2020 23:34

And what the ex thinks isn’t remotely your problem. If you’re hearing gripes from her direct then block her. It’s from him or his mum tell them firmly you don’t want to know about it.

Magda72 · 30/11/2020 00:14

@Spelda there's so much wrong with this I don't know where to start.
But firstly - you live apart so the 'normal' rules don't apply & what I mean by that is that this is so NOT your problem, but everyone (him, his ex, his mum) is foisting it on you & trying to make it your problem to fix which is grossly unfair.
Imo he has two options:

  1. he rents, or
  2. he does day visits with the kids. His crying is a bit ridiculous - yes this is tough (the whole covid thing) but there are lots of families having to modify access & it's something that has to be gotten used to. A friend of mine is in a similar situation in that her dh stays with his parents when he has his dc as it affords both him and his dc the chance to spend time with much loved grandparents. Due to restrictions here in Ireland he can no longer do that so he is doing day visits only with his dc for the foreseeable future. It's hard on everyone but he gets it, his dc get it, his ex gets it, his parents get it. Your dp needs to grow a pair & sort himself & his dc out. In your shoes I'd be saying a firm no to this & if he throws his toys out of the pram so be it. Furthermore his bloody ex has NO right tell you how you should be accommodating her dc who don't even live you!!!!
SonjaHeniesTutu · 30/11/2020 00:33

Geez Op, are you really saying that you will be sleeping on the bottom bunk for THREE WEEKS?!

And the ex said you need to understand the DC are YOUR responsibility??

Please please do not do this! You are being taken advantage of and both those points are beyond rediculous!!

Honestly tell them both, DP and ex, to fuck right off. They need to sort out THEIR parenting responsibilities themselves and stop guilt tripping you. Bastards, I am incredibly pissed off on your behalf.

Say no and enjoy sleeping in your own bed. You can not live the way he is expecting you to. I note that he will be having your bed for the duration, while it is you who will be sleeping in a tiny bed. Why does he not consider you at all?

funinthesun19 · 30/11/2020 06:49

I refused to have DC here for his contact when lockdown first happened in March and ex was angry about it as I apparently needed to learn that the children are my responsibility.

Haha she has a fucking nerve! They are so NOT your responsibility. You don’t even live together, so you have absolutely zero obligation to accommodate your partner’s kids in your home. The ex can do one.

MeridianB · 30/11/2020 06:51

Which days of the week will contact be on? Does he work weekends? Just trying to work out why he can’t see them all day Sat and then all day Sun.

The sleeping arrangements sound really unfair on you. If there is any way to avoid the overnight stays then I would. Or put his DCs on air bed in living room. You should not be giving up your bed!

Agree with PP the pressure to do this will go on and on as he doesn’t seem to realise his parents aren’t likely to travel again soon.

How did the message from the ex get to you?

Original poster
Spelda · 30/11/2020 08:52

I’ve said about just day visits today after my youngest didn’t sleep and he is now annoyed and sulking as he wants to see them. I’ve said he isn’t loosing time with them as the time he isn’t seeing them they will be asleep... apparently that isn’t the point and I don’t understand ... Why is having a partner with children so complicated all the time

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 30/11/2020 08:54

Surely your priority is to be moving in together. Do you work?

His kids might not be your responsibity by they are not his parents either. He needs to move out and together you need to support your joint family.

Original poster
Spelda · 30/11/2020 09:14

@dontdisturbmenow I’m on mat leave but probably won’t have a job to return to.

The plan was we all lived together when I had youngest and then he didn’t pull his finger out and it didn’t happen. After that I can’t say it’s really a priority for me now if I’m being honest... I’m happy with my own home and routine now.

If he wants to get it sorted so we can get a bigger house all together it’s on him, it’s not something I’m going to get myself worked up over as now it’s gone this way after the initial disappointment it actually works for me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2020 09:22

Is he paying towards the baby?

VanGoghsDog · 30/11/2020 09:22

He can book a holiday home of AirBnB for three weeks. Since he saves on rent all year!

funinthesun19 · 30/11/2020 09:42

dontdisturbmenow I think the op is smart not moving in with him. It’s better for her and better for her children. He needs to get himself somewhere decent to live. The op is happy where she is - why should she move and uproot herself and her children just because he has kids who need somewhere to live? They can’t all fit in her house, so clearly them all moving in would not be an option.

The op has no obligation at all to support a joint family. If in time he makes the effort to make it happen himself, then the op can look at supporting a joint family. Right now she has herself and her children to prioritise.

aSofaNearYou · 30/11/2020 09:54

If you do have them I wouldn't give up your bedroom, this would be an air bed in the living room offer from me.

MeridianB · 30/11/2020 10:00

I definitively wasn’t getting any “let’s move in together ASAP” vibes from you, OP, and I can’t say I blame you.

Can’t believe he’s angry at you and sulking because of the overnight thing. He’s lucky now if you don’t withdraw the offer completely!

funinthesun19 · 30/11/2020 10:08

I agree you shouldn’t be giving up your bed for anyone. Why can’t they all sleep on blow up beds? It’s not their home.