DP says I'm a terrible parent

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

DS2 (8) is having a lot of behavioural problems. We're waiting for a CAMHS assessment but obviously it's going to be a while because of COVID.

This morning he had a complete meltdown over nothing...unfortunately this is a common occurrence. He was shouting, slamming doors, calling me names etc. His screen was confiscated and he went to his room to calm down.

After about 5 minutes he came into me, gave me a hug and apologised. I told him because of his behaviour he wouldn't be getting his screen back until after lunchtime, which he accepted.

He then asked for a cheese toastie for breakfast, which I made. Cue DP having a huge man strop, telling me it's no wonder DS walks all over me when I give in to every 'demand', that I was a terrible parent, that DS needed to be punished etc.

In my mind taking DP's screen was sanction enough, I couldn't see the harm in making what he asked for for breakfast.

So what's the MN verdict?

You did the right thing. He has done the most important thing: apologised. That is not easy. He needs to know that it is appreciated or he won't bother next time.

Is DP your son's father? What does he think you should have done?

In my mind taking DP's screen was sanction enough, I couldn't see the harm in making what he asked for for breakfast.

I know this was a typo but it sounds like DP needs to learn not to throw tantrums too, definitely take his screen!

No you’re not a bad parent. Because your DS is being referred to CAMHS for behavioural problems, I would personally not punish him at all for meltdowns. Being referred indicates that he is struggling with his mental health and so needs understanding and support- not punishment. If the meltdowns in the morning are common, perhaps there is a cause, as in is he eating breakfast too late? How is he waking up? Distressed or calm?

There is one terrible parent in this situation your dp not you! . If he was that bothered he should ahve dealt with discipline and the breakfast himself as is his child.

I think you handled it all well.
What did your DH think you should have done differently? Refuse to give your son lunch? What good would that do? You removed him from the situation, imposed a suitable sanction, got an apology and your son agreed with the sanction without argument. Adding another random punishment, especially withholding food, would be wrong. IMO.

Sorry, breakfast not lunch.

You were absolutely right.

To clarify, DS is mine, DP has one daughter who also lives with us.

This meltdown, like most of them, was over a video game not going DS's way. I'm trying to wean him off his screen addiction, which has worsened considerably since lockdown and schools closing. He knows full well if he kicks off about a game he loses it, I don't feel I can change that now.

Progress is being made, a year ago he'd have had another meltdown over apologising, whereas he will apologise now.

Thanks all, I was starting to doubt myself.

@PlanDeRaccordement

No you’re not a bad parent. Because your DS is being referred to CAMHS for behavioural problems, I would personally not punish him at all for meltdowns. Being referred indicates that he is struggling with his mental health and so needs understanding and support- not punishment. If the meltdowns in the morning are common, perhaps there is a cause, as in is he eating breakfast too late? How is he waking up? Distressed or calm?

As a parent to a child with Autism I partially disagree. Children with difficulties can still be just plain naughty and still need discipline

From your post it reads like DP is not DF to DS. You need to remove him from the situation (ideally by ending the relationship) because he sounds like an arsehole and he's completely undermining you, chipping at your confidence and modelling poor behaviour. In short, he's on the abusive scale and if you read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft you'll probably recognise him

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

To clarify, DS is mine, DP has one daughter who also lives with us.

This meltdown, like most of them, was over a video game not going DS's way. I'm trying to wean him off his screen addiction, which has worsened considerably since lockdown and schools closing. He knows full well if he kicks off about a game he loses it, I don't feel I can change that now.

Progress is being made, a year ago he'd have had another meltdown over apologising, whereas he will apologise now.

Thanks all, I was starting to doubt myself.

You've done nothing wrong and sound like you're doing a fab job. Not all children know when they're in the wrong and apologise and the fact that your DS does, is a testament to your parenting.

Your DP would be finding himself single if he told me I was a bad parent

Meltdown plus CAMHS referral = you did absolutely the right thing. Been there, done that (including meltdowns over computer games not going the right way). Your DS's behaviour had a reasonable consequence, he apologised, and you can all move on unscathed. What does your DP think your DS would have learnt if you had refused to make him a toastie?

What would you define as a "man strop". From what you've described it just sounds like your DP got annoyed and had a bit of a rant, not LTB material as everyone will inevitably say, but it depends on the context of the pattern of behaviour.

@aSofaNearYou

What would you define as a "man strop". From what you've described it just sounds like your DP got annoyed and had a bit of a rant, not LTB material as everyone will inevitably say, but it depends on the context of the pattern of behaviour.

So you wouldn't walk away from someone who called you a 'bad mother?!' It a horrendous thing to say to someone you love and borders on abusive

Also, OP, parenting a child with ASD is enough to break the best relationship. I agree with 80s that children with ASD can be 'naughty', too, but my experience of ASD-related meltdowns is that they're very different from NT strops/shouting/etc. If your DP can't be constructive and supportive, he needs to remove himself entirely from situations that involve disciplining your DS or preferably from your life

I don’t see any harm giving him food because he was hungry. How do you usually reprimand him for his behaviour? Could you take away all his games for a week and see if his behaviour improves? Maybe plan some fun activities to do?

Unfortunately many people do not understand the differences between consequences and punishment. For these people discipline
usually equals harsh punishment of some sort. They are less interested in behavioral change than in seeing the child suffer because of his actions.

If this is not his child, your partner should not be offering unsolicited opinions on how you choose to handle outcomes and consequences. Boundaries are not just for step children and in-laws.

How you choose to parent "your" child should always be your decision.
Your partner's only choice should be whether they are comfortable living with your parenting style.

Parenting styles and financial matters are 2 areas in which people to whom you are not married should always wait to be invited before offering input and opinions on these matters.

Cue DP having a huge man strop, telling me it's no wonder DS walks all over me when I give in to every 'demand', that I was a terrible parent, that DS needed to be punished etc

A man strop? How pathetic. Maybe take a moment to think about the behaviours your son is learning from your ’D’P.

DS has Adhd & has meltdowns.

Well they're more like really aggressive panic attacks really.

We do pretty much what you do. There's always a consequence and they lose a toy.

But after that you have to move on.

DS always says sorry and is genuinely remorseful and often feels really bad about himself. Why would I put the boot in after that? It'd just be bullying someone when they're down.

His man strop involved him not talking to me for about an hour then having a go at me.

I'm not making excuses for him but I feel we're trying to ride out a perfect storm at the moment. His MH is suffering because of the isolation of WFH (I'm a key worker so have been going out to work); I've just been signed off because of my MH, DSs normally see their dad at weekends but for the last 2 he's had Covid so they can't see him, his DD pretty much keeps to herself whereas my DSs are very loud and in your face-even I need a break from them sometimes.

He's a good man but we do differ in how we approach parenting sometimes. I don't always agree with how he parents but I keep quiet as it's not my place to comment. I just wish he would do the same.

Well they're more like really aggressive panic attacks really

This is the best description of ASD meltdowns that I have read on here, @ElspethFlashman

I am sorry things are generally tough at the moment, OP (same here). Not the right moment to make any other big decisions, but your DP does need to take himself upstairs or something when you are dealing with your DS.

How long have toy been together and how long have you lived together? How does he discipline his daughter?

I'm trying to wean him off his screen addiction, which has worsened considerably since lockdown and schools closing
In that case taking it away for just a few hours is not much punishment for kicking off badly so I can see your OH view. He gets special attention and his game back before he knows it. Not really making a point.

If it was a one off, fair enough, but it sounds like it's a common occurrence so losing it over the whole weekend would have been more if a consequence.

His man strop involved him not talking to me for about an hour then having a go at me... (said) that I was a terrible parent, that DS needed to be punished etc... He's a good man

That’s not how if describe him from his actions.

What do you think makes him a good man?

DS was hungry which contributes to meltdowns. You did exactly the right thing. He's obviously improving as he apologised. You should find that as he matures, his behaviour will improve a lot. You DH was cruel to say what he did as you are obviously a great mum.