DP says I'm a terrible parent

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

DS2 (8) is having a lot of behavioural problems. We're waiting for a CAMHS assessment but obviously it's going to be a while because of COVID.

This morning he had a complete meltdown over nothing...unfortunately this is a common occurrence. He was shouting, slamming doors, calling me names etc. His screen was confiscated and he went to his room to calm down.

After about 5 minutes he came into me, gave me a hug and apologised. I told him because of his behaviour he wouldn't be getting his screen back until after lunchtime, which he accepted.

He then asked for a cheese toastie for breakfast, which I made. Cue DP having a huge man strop, telling me it's no wonder DS walks all over me when I give in to every 'demand', that I was a terrible parent, that DS needed to be punished etc.

In my mind taking DP's screen was sanction enough, I couldn't see the harm in making what he asked for for breakfast.

So what's the MN verdict?

I suppose it might depend on how often ther is a sanction followed by something that involves effort by you?

I mean he didn't have to have a breakfast that he couldn't make himself, so I sort of see that point, but it is rather overshadowed by the insults & sulking.

@dontdisturbmenow it wasn't the taking away of the screen he was annoyed about, it was making him the sandwich he objected to. Apparently I should have just given him something quick and easy rather than make an extra effort to cook what he asked for. (How hard is a cheese toastie really though?)

And he is a good man though I know the portrait I've painted here doesn't show that. I think lockdown is slowly turning us all into monsters. The man I fell in love with us still in there.

Just to go against the grain here how much 'screen' is he getting does this help ASD or with the problems?

Just before breakfast and a punishment is only until lunchtime removing it - sounds like a lot of screen time

My NT 8yr old has max 1hr a day. Yes it is effort to make him play outside, play monopoly / cards / Lego etc with sisters. But screens are very associative and cause aggression in boys if not controlled properly

Addictive not associative

My son used to be an absolute handful. Still is sometimes! We had a lot of issues with his behaviour and anger and slowly he's become a really well adjusted kid. He still gets angry and wants to kick off but he takes himself into his room, calms down then comes and apologises if he's misbehaved. We've got there through really consistent removal of privileges like screen time, phone, going out to play etc. And talking. Loads and loads of talking, there is always a deeper reason why he's angry. I can see why your DP isn't thrilled about it to be honest. If mine had a melt down and caused a scene at home, even though he'd apologised I wouldn't be so willing to cater to his choice of breakfast. You've given him back an aspect of control there. This one sounds like he's trying to rule the roost a bit with his outbursts. Ordinarily, with a child without behaviour issues you'd just be like sure, why not. But it's the timing of it. Please don't think I'm critical, I just really do understand your DP's feelings on this. You'll just be so relieved though that he's apologised and the tantrum is over that you'll be willing to do anything to keep him happy. Don't fall out with DP over it. He's maybe just seeing things from a different perspective. X

@silverfonze I have 100% been guilty of allowing him too much screen time. I hold my hands up to that. Hence trying to wean him off it but I'd rather reduce slowly than go cold turkey.

I think you are doing a great job. He has to eat, may as well be a cheese toastie as anything else as its quite healthy. You are right to choose your battles with any child, he apologised and accepted the screen loss well. DP is jealous maybe?

A cheese toastie isn't an elaborate meal! What's he on about? You gave a consequence appropriate to the behaviour. He's talking crap. Ignore.

@ElspethFlashman

DS has Adhd & has meltdowns.

Well they're more like really aggressive panic attacks really.

We do pretty much what you do. There's always a consequence and they lose a toy.

But after that you have to move on.

DS always says sorry and is genuinely remorseful and often feels really bad about himself. Why would I put the boot in after that? It'd just be bullying someone when they're down.

This is pretty much an exact description of DS as well. We don't impose very harsh consequences for any behaviour that stops short of physical aggression to someone else.

There are some consequences of course but the most important thing to me is that we repair our relationship after one of these breakdowns. This is because now he is older, DS often says during a meltdown that DH and I hate him. He know afterwards that this is not true but in the moment of a meltdown he believes it. I am thankful that he actually trusts us enough to say that to us as it means he believes we will reassure him , however much he struggles to believe our reassurances that we love him and don't hate him, he still needs to hear it.

As already posted I completely agree that if he says sorry and is genuinely remorseful and often feels really bad about himself. Why would I put the boot in after that? It'd just be bullying someone when they're down

Why on earth would he think that starving a child is effective punishment? If you had given your child sweets after a telling off then he would have a point, but giving him breakfast??

I think you did the right thing. Its not a good idea to associate food with punishment for behaviour. You gave the punisent and gave home breakfast as normal.

Agree, OP, that lockdown is doing none of us any favours.

It's not the time to try to wean a screen-mad ASD child off screens, either. What else is he going to do at the moment? In my part of the UK, it has poured with rain all day, and is now dark again. At 3.20. It has barely got light properly at all due to the filthy weather.

I'm on MN because I am pretty hardy, but even I can't see any joy in doing an awful lot else after yet another day of sodding lockdown.