Time alone without kids

[Hesgonesoft]

Looking for some other perspectives/suggestions please.

My long term partner has started to raise conversations about moving in together. I have 2 primary aged kids and he has a primary aged kid who he sees every weekend. Mine spend alternate weekends with their dad and I enjoy the child free time.

I love him and his kid to bits, I want to spend my life with him and his kid will obviously feature in that. She's lovely, likes me and my kids, and is much easier to handle than my boisterous two.

The only thing that is putting me off moving in (and as such I have ardently avoided the conversation until now, but I don't think I can avoid it much longer) is not having any child free weekends. I struggled with my mental health when I was married and a newly single mum, but since court has ordered EOW things have improved immeasurably. I'm a much better parent when I have a break and can rest, their dad was abusive and I suffer from cptsd so sometimes things can get a bit much. We are likely to have his kid more often too, her mum has her own battles and often cannot cope.

I've just started some new work that I do during the EOW without the kids and I worry that would be impacted if we had Kids here every weekend. He's a great, hands on dad so it's not so much that I'd have to do any parenting but more the noise of them being around and not being able to relax in front of the tv in the evenings and unwind etc (he lets her go to bed quite late)

Am I making this into a bigger issue than it really is? Will it all be fine? Or is it make or break?? Has anyone else struggled with this? I've thought about all sorts of options like a garden office so I can retreat there when it all gets too much and leave them to it in the house, renting some workspace so i can get the silence and rest I need elsewhere. During normal times I'm also quite often out with friends so it's also possible to make plans and do my work in the evenings. We both really value time alone with our kids so he won't be offended by that. We have good babysitting options so I think we will still manage to find time together for things like date nights.

It seems so big and overwhelming... is this a sign that I'm just not ready?

Given your feelings, I would not move in together.

Don't move in together yet!!

Can he move to having is DC during the week and then EOW? Surely this would be better for his ex too to have more help Ona day to day basis and get quality weekend time with their DC?

@LaraLuce yes I did wonder if that might be the solution! But was hopeful there may be another way...

@RandomMess I have suggested in the past that he has his kid full time as the mother seems to really struggle. But it seems neither he nor her mum want that. The difficulty with having his kid during the week is that she currently lives in another part of town so her school runs would be difficult. He starts work before 7am and finishes at 5.30 so couldn't help. My kids go to school where I currently live, one has autism and has found it hard to settle and given that we moved across the country to leave their dad I'm reluctant to move them again. His kid lives right next to her school so I guess there'd be the option of going back to her mums and my partner picking her up on the way home and dropping her to her mums on the way to work, but it seems like a lot of disruption for a young girl who already goes through a lot of shit at home from what I hear. And as much as her mum struggles with her I'm not sure she's ready to seek help yet so I don't think she'd be ready to acknowledge she needs long term support that we could help with.

It's really difficult. My kids have been through a lot but they also get a lot from my partner and would enjoy us living together. His daughter has been through a lot, and I think would benefit from a stable family unit but ultimately she's not mine to make decisions for. I'm not prepared to sacrifice the progress I've made in terms of mental health and work. But something has to give... and it's looking like that might be living with the man I love.

Which is a decision I'm kind of at peace with, but was hoping for a miracle solution! Really appreciate the suggestions.

Every weekend is not that common, what is the reason behind it? Have you talked to your OH about how you feel? Does he not want some free weekends?

Your feelings are perfectly reasonable and valid and this is not something to rush into but don't dismiss the idea before discussing it

Argh posted at the same time as you. Could your OH get any flexibility with start times at work one day a week

If this was me then I would suggest that OH took the child out while I got on with work and then maybe spend some time together.

He needs to step and find childcare so he can have his DD overnight during the week - childminder and /or wrap around care.

If no morning option then yes he could drop her to her Mum fully dressed, school bag ready band perhaps just needing breakfast then sorting out for after school. The point would be taking on the mental load and responsibility for his DD for at least half the week every week.

He could look at working compressed hours or changing jobs.... there is lots he could do. If his DD has a poor home life with her Mum his priority should be resolving that not moving in with you. It may be that they reverse roles he has his DD Mon- Fri and his ex weekends and sorts his job around that.

You need to have parenting comparison conversations.. If his dc stays up late would your dc expect that also? What discipline methods do you each use? Is he a good df or a Disney one? Would he be willing for all dc to be treated the same? For example if you are working and his dc was being loud would you feel able to ask them to be quiet? Would he accept that?
Would you feel comfortable doing so? Whose house would you live in?
Splitting bills when you have 2 and he has 1 dc.. All sorts of scenarios to think about!!
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It seems like if it was just you and your boyfriend you'd be happy to live with him, and if it was just your kids it would be ok. But bringing in a stepsibling for your children is a big deal. That sounds quite messy and like you would end of doing more work and making compromises. You mentioned she's allowed to stay up late, presumably (as you mentioned it) this is difficult to the way you bring yours up. It can be really tricky caring for children if you aren't allowed to set the rules, and hard for both sets of children if the rules are different. I couldn't manage an extra child who didn't fit into our routines, and none of mine have autism - they just like the predictability of having a routine.

I'm not clear if he's wanting you to live with him, or a new joint house. Personally I wouldn't do either but you may be braver than I am!

How old is his daughter?

When you say he start work early and finishes late so can't do school run - if her mum's situation deteriorates and DD ends up living with her, you will end up taking that on, or, he'll have to change jobs and earn less. I can see the benefit to him of having another adult on board. Not so much to you or your kids.

Don’t move in yet, you’re not really and that’s ok. Put it on the back burner until the kids are older and more independent. You may feel differently in time but right now you’re set up works for you and that’s important.
It’s ok to be a bit selfish about it but would be unreasonable to move in and then want to change his arrangements with his child.

Ready not really

Inital reaction is it would not be good for you and your DC to have more change and if your DC with Autism is happy at current school -do not move! I know how hard that is...

how old is his DD? - if she is KS2 could you plan for when she moves to secondary? that giives everyone time to think things through/make relevant choices/decisions and hopefully wont be in a pandemic!
which is intensifying all pressures (well I think too)

this is not a good time to make big decisions esp with MH/SEN and blending families in the mix..

There is no need to rush... next time say lets talk in spring/summer

I disagree that he should be making different child contact arrangements so that it is convenient for the OP. In fact if a man said that he’d change the arrangements with his child so that there were some guaranteed weekends alone I would think less of him.

My DP’s boss has his DC every weekend because his ex has some issues and can only cope with the DC during the week when the time is limited, iyswim, so every weekend is not unheard of and neither is it unreasonable.

OP blending families is always difficult, and at the moment it seems that blending your two particular families isn’t workable. That’s not wrong, IMO it’s preferable not to blend families at all although there will be some who disagree with me. But if it won’t work for you then I wouldn’t move in until the children are older.

Please don't push him to giving up a whole weekend for one night after school op. It isn't fair on her, you've already said Mom is struggling and now pp's solution seems to be him seeing his daughter less!!

How long have you been together? Do you want babies with him? If you move in, what will happen to your children's schooling?

The cynical part of me does feel like there are a lot of signs here that if you did move in together, you might end up being expected to do a lot of care for her. The fact that her mum struggling is an ongoing issue and he is unable to do school runs is a bit of a red flag. Could he be motivated by wanting you to step in and do it for him?

If you were to decide to go for it I would agree with others saying he would need to be on board with setting blanket rules for all the kids, or it's going to cause issues. That might mean compromise on both sides but might also put a stop to the late nights.

But I would be tempted to just live separately and he spend a majority of his week at your place, since he doesn't have her then anyway.

Oh wow, what a great range of answers - thank you!

His daughter is nearly 7. Mine are 4&6.

@RandomMess this is exactly why I've asked him about the option of having his kid full time. I feel a bit sorry for her and the mum tbh, they both need help and support. I don't know the ins and outs but I don't think either of them are having an easy time. She's such a lovely child and loves her dad to bits. And her mum I assume, but she always chooses to spend time with her dad when she has the option. I don't want to take any time away from him or her, but also want to make that any changes aren't detrimental to me and my kids. It's a hard balance!

She's moving up to juniors next year so if she stayed here the majority of the time and moved to a school near us we could incorporate her into our routine and school etc would be easier. But it's the half and half that makes things more difficult without someone facing some huge disruption/sacrifices.

Both of us rent small houses so we'd look at somewhere completely new. I work close to my house and my kids school is very close, he can easily get to work from this part of town. Where the daughter lives is over a toll bridge that is the only way in/out so can take hours in traffic to get into town (which is my side of the bridge, I'd always be going with the traffic if I moved nearer to her school) so it's more practical for us to stay over this side. My current commute is 2 mins by car, from her side of town it would be over an hour and I work in a role that's quite specific so couldn't easily move jobs in my town. His work is the same, 25 years in the only company in town in that industry, so changing jobs isn't an option. I already work flexibly and part time. His job doesn't naturally lend itself to part time/flexible as he has to be on site during client open hours and he's doing a qualification through work so couldn't easily move to another role for a couple more years - though this is an option in the future so maybe it's best to wait until then.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper these parenting comparisons are another concern, me and my boys are very routine driven. He gives his kid more leeway because he sees her less and because he doesn't usually have her on school days. My kids need to have their sleep and sugar carefully controlled, and they wet themselves if they even look at Ribena. They also need to run off energy from the crack of dawn and she sleeps in until 9/10 (though I suspect as a product of no routine with her mum, if we had her more it might change) I value the routine for the time it frees up for me to do my own thing, including studying for a part time degree. He doesn't so much value free time and enjoys spending his free time with his daughter.

@aSofaNearYou I agree about me being expected to do more for her, but I also accept that to an extent as part and parcel of having them in our lives. I really wouldn't mind doing some care for her if the labour was shared in other ways, but the mental load of it all is what ends up affecting my mental health so I'd need to make sure we spoke about that at length before any decisions are made. I think part of me doesn't really understand the blended families dynamic tbh. The daughters mum isn't keen on me being in her life because she doesn't want me to replace her. I have no intention of replacing her... but if she's in the house where I live with my boys too, there must naturally be some parental type actions, mustn't there?! My boys dad has a new partner who lives with him and I expect her to 'parent' them when they're in her care, for example telling them when their behaviour is unacceptable for example. I have a step parent from both of my own parents and love them, but didn't have them until I was a teen/grown up so never lived with them in a parent capacity, but having them in my family has enhanced my life no end. Which means I find it hard to empathise or understand the viewpoint of people who don't want their kids to have new extended/blended families, so it's something I'm trying really hard to be sensitive to.

One of the reasons this came up in convo is related to us having kids together. I'd really like a baby with him, he would like one too. I'm 38 and so we don't have loads of time, and I want to live with someone before a kid comes along. I didn't do that in my marriage, it was a huge mistake. So if we wait until things are easier with the existing children, a baby may not be an option. Again, I'm completely willing to accept that rather than shoehorning everyone into a bad situation for the sake of having a baby, I just wanted to explore what the options might be.

@AlternativePerspective since meeting him I too have found lots of people who have their kids every weekend. The arrangement that we currently have is perfect - I have EOW without the kids and I spend Saturday by myself. He has EOW all weekend, and then the weekends I don't have my kids he drops his daughter home either on sat night or Sunday morning depending on what the mum/daughter have planned and we spend a couple of hours early afternoon together alone before I go and get my kids at tea time, or occasionally Saturday night if the daughter has gone home. It couldn't be a more perfect balance... so I guess why change what already works well??

I think the main and most pressing thing you need to consider is how important it is for you to have a child with him. If you did, then you would lose your child free weekends anyway. And with the ages of all the children involved, it sounds like you would have a very hectic and child centred life. I'm not trying to say you shouldn't do it, but the two ideas don't really gel together so you kind of need to pick whether it's more important to you to safeguard an increasingly independent life, or continue adding to your family.

OP, I suspect the mum doesn’t want you in the DD’s life not so much because she is a bad person but presumably if she herself struggles then having someone else being a mother figure in her child’s life will make her feel even worse about herself than she possibly already does.

But if you want another baby you aren’t going to b having eOW to yourself, and the dynamic is going to be even more involved, with one child of his, two of yours and one between the two of you.

TBH I would weigh up which is more important to you, the relationship as is or another baby in which case you might want to explore whether this relationship is workable for you in the longer term.

As you already have DC you might be happy to carry on without another baby, and TBH if living in a blended family is going to be problematic for you then you might find it difficult to find someone who doesn’t already have children anyway. Again,that’s not wrong, I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who had kids....

Thing is his Ex could have more school holidays etc to compensate it she lived with you guys Mon-Fri for school purposes.

When Mum has EOW it could be Friday to Monday if she could manage the school run if it weren't too often.

Ultimately it sounds like he needs to sort out things for his DD and ex. He is currently leaving all the grunt work to his ex who isn't coping.

You are absolutely restricted to your DC staying at their school, that is your line in the sand as well as needing child free time EOW. So things need to stay as they are unless he does the right thing by his ex and DD and changes the co-parenting arrangement.

Ultimately it sounds like he need to put his hand in his pocket and pay for childcare so his DD can spend weekday with him.

For now stick with how things are.

The new baby thing is Def something you need to think about. If your head benefits from the weekends off, what happens when there's 1 or 2 new babies there every second of every day? Yes he could take baby out to do things with his daughter but that's not a guarantee as it'll impact massively on her.

Honestly throwing a baby into the mix would be a really bad idea!

What if your ex moves away or DD ends up with you full time?

You sounds miles apart in terms of parenting.

Our biological clocks scream at us very very loudly but that is heart. Everything you have written says you're at your limit for living an enjoyable rather than incredibly stressful life.

My kids have been through a lot but they also get a lot from my partner and would enjoy us living together.

You really don't know that. Even if your DP stays over a lot atm it's still on your territory and your responsibility - the dynamic you have right now will reflect that. The second he officially moves in and it becomes his home too the dynamic will shift. You say your DC are boisterous - you don't know how tolerant everyone will be when there's no longer the safety net of another house to go to. It's likely your DP will take things to heart about the way your DC treat their/your home because he'll now be emotionally invested in it in a way he isn't now. And don't underestimate how much potential for conflict a difference in parenting styles can cause.

Sorry to come across as negative but I think you'd be crazy to move in together, at least until his daughter's situation is more stable and he stops with the Disney parenting. I don't think it'd be fair on any of you.