Time alone without kids

[Hesgonesoft]

Looking for some other perspectives/suggestions please.

My long term partner has started to raise conversations about moving in together. I have 2 primary aged kids and he has a primary aged kid who he sees every weekend. Mine spend alternate weekends with their dad and I enjoy the child free time.

I love him and his kid to bits, I want to spend my life with him and his kid will obviously feature in that. She's lovely, likes me and my kids, and is much easier to handle than my boisterous two.

The only thing that is putting me off moving in (and as such I have ardently avoided the conversation until now, but I don't think I can avoid it much longer) is not having any child free weekends. I struggled with my mental health when I was married and a newly single mum, but since court has ordered EOW things have improved immeasurably. I'm a much better parent when I have a break and can rest, their dad was abusive and I suffer from cptsd so sometimes things can get a bit much. We are likely to have his kid more often too, her mum has her own battles and often cannot cope.

I've just started some new work that I do during the EOW without the kids and I worry that would be impacted if we had Kids here every weekend. He's a great, hands on dad so it's not so much that I'd have to do any parenting but more the noise of them being around and not being able to relax in front of the tv in the evenings and unwind etc (he lets her go to bed quite late)

Am I making this into a bigger issue than it really is? Will it all be fine? Or is it make or break?? Has anyone else struggled with this? I've thought about all sorts of options like a garden office so I can retreat there when it all gets too much and leave them to it in the house, renting some workspace so i can get the silence and rest I need elsewhere. During normal times I'm also quite often out with friends so it's also possible to make plans and do my work in the evenings. We both really value time alone with our kids so he won't be offended by that. We have good babysitting options so I think we will still manage to find time together for things like date nights.

It seems so big and overwhelming... is this a sign that I'm just not ready?

You have found a situation that is working well for you ; why try to change it just when you are rediscovering your own peace and harmony?
If moving in does not work out as well as anticipated, then you , your children, and his daughter will all be subjected to the need for yet another change.

It is also possible that , you may find a full time live in partner is not as easy an adjustment as you think. It seems as though you have given a lot of productive thought to the adjustments that might be required by the child's ongoing presence , but have you thought about the adjustments that might be required by your partner's full time presence?

Your post indicates that you are really coming into your own as both a well adjusted parent and person . If your partner truly cares about you and your long term well-being, he can give your more time before you need to make a move in decision.

Adults can and do love each other without always living together. Reading between the lines, it seems as though you are really enjoying your independence. In your shoes, I would be in no rush to give up that newly rediscovered independence, it seems to have come at a great personal cost to you.

There is an old saying" If it is not broken, don't fix it."

Love is hard to find, but peace and tranquility are even harder to find and to maintain. Consider asking your partner to revisit the move in request in another year. If all is still going well, you may find it easier to make that choice.

Keep doing that which is best for you; a better you allows you to be a better parent and partner.

My thoughts are that if you go ahead and have a child together, when will you have child free time?

I totally understand the reluctance to want his child on weekends, when you don't have your own .

I don't think wanting child free time is unreasonable for couples. I used to do this by going away with friends and leaving DH with the kids. Sometimes if the both of us went out for a night the kids stayed the night with my Dsis, but wanting a full child free weekend is something of a luxury, that you'd only get on a regular basis with a blended family, while the DC is with the other parent.

This looks like a recipe for disaster. When do you currently are each other if he works long hours during the week and has his daughter every weekend?

You say that your boy are more boisterous than his girl, how can you be assured that he won't have an issue with your boys and want to be stricter with them than you are for instance?

You seem to want the dynamics between your partner and his ex to be amended to suit you, this is bound to lead to resentment.

You want you eow for yourself but want to add a baby in the mix?

I think you are focusing too much on the perfect life you aspire too and not enough in the reality of the situation and the fact that Alice together would mean many compromises including some you might not like.

Lots more valid points!

@Tiredoftattler your post really resonated with me. That is exactly how I feel, like I've finally got a life that works for me and although I've always envisaged more kids, and sharing my life with this specific man, I do also feel protective over the life I've worked hard to achieve.

The difference between having his daughter around all the time and having my own baby is that I'd be happy to leave my own baby with someone else when I needed a break. I'd expect the dad to take it some weekends, I have a good network of childcare and my boys go on lots of play dates/days out etc with friends. But you can't do that with a stepchild who only sees their dad at the weekends. Likewise we take other people's kids a lot and I regularly look after one girl several times a week and I love the hustle and bustle of a busy house with lots of kids. I just need regular breaks from it all.

@MyCatHatesEverybody I definitely haven't underestimated how big a problem different parenting styles can be. I've been watching from a distance for a while and there are quite a few things that completely would not work for us that he is much more relaxed about. In fact he's a very relaxed parent, I am the complete opposite.

What I'd really like to do is have a big conversation with him and talk to him about all these areas of parental style conflict, and my concerns about never having free time etc and seeing what he says. But I also know that some people are very sensitive to having concerns raised about their children (not about her, but you know what I mean. I'm very black and white - my kids can be hard to handle, I do need a break. Fact) and I need to make sure I'm clear what my concerns are and that I'm practised in phrasing them nicely because when I'm nervous I have w tendency to blurt things out and it doesn't always come out as softly as I intended. Your responses have helped me to identify some of the areas I'd like to talk about and find out his views on. But either way I think I'm clear that I don't want to move in together next year as he was hinting at.

Don't move into together .... and why have another baby? Then you won't have any child free time.

I totally understand the need for child free time, I have no step child and am with the father of my (only) child but I have always needed time on my own ... nothing wrong with it but I recognise it and we organise our life accordingly.

@Ragwort but I DID have child free time when I had 2 kids and was married. In the later years not so much while my husband was off having an affair and never at home... but in the early years I went to the gym and out with friends and to an evening class, he took the kids to visit his family and swimming. He stopped that, but while we were happy I got plenty of free time. I just get the impression that it's not the same with step kids and that they will be in the house a lot. I can also make requests for my own kids and say I need time can you take the baby for a walk, but can't tell him what to do with his daughter. That's the bit I'm not sure about.

I can also make requests for my own kids and say I need time can you take the baby for a walk, but can't tell him what to do with his daughter. That's the bit I'm not sure about.

I see what you mean now.

Getting away from the house will be possible from what you say, but getting the kids (his DD) out of the house if you want some peace will be a different issue.

I don't think there's really an answer to this, except don't live together, because the damage from getting irritated with her around when you want child free time isn't worth it fir anyone.

Honestly, I think you already have 3 children who you say have been through a lot. It's a really complex situation where several of the adults are already struggling. Thinking of what is best for the existing children, it would be a really really bad idea to introduce any more children into the mix.

Also, as far as your DP's DD goes, I think a child would be able to feel if their presence was resented/a problem in their home, even silently, and I wouldn't want to live like that as the child.

It's hard but I'll be honest and say no way would i of been ok with SC every weekend In the early days of the relationship. You need time together even if it's one full day & night EOW.

God no. I'm a terrible SM because I actively enjoy and look forward to our child free time. I'd struggle with every single weekend tbh. If you think you'd be the same, I wouldn't move in.