Step mothers having their own children

[Amanda87]

Just wondering if you guys that have been step mothers and then became mothers ever feel like your kid isn't getting enough. I mean, obviously your husband's kids will be visiting, having their father attention, bla bla bla, but do you ever feel like they are somehow missing some time with their dad?
When you both work the entire week and your DC is going to school, Day Care and so on, and then the weekend comes and the DSC are over and you guys kinda take turns on who's gonna watch who, and your child is always left for you to watch. The dad is watching his kids and you're running around yours. Does that make you feel sad?
Not sure I made myself clear and will probably be piled on for that, but would like to hear some thoughts.

It is like that to be honest but r child will get more time overall with their father. His children will only see him on weekends. I have step children and my own children with my husband. It is a difficult balance but we try to do stuff together. Occasionally the kids will do stuff with their dad as it's important for them to have one on one but this is now and again and not the norm. Blended Families are hard and you need to put on effort.

Not how it works here. DH is a father of 3, he doesn’t get to proceed like a father of one when DSD is here.
He always makes sure to spend time just with her playing games or whatever, but only for a couple of hours.

I realise that this is not helpful to you but I felt the opposite. I was very keen for DH to spend plenty of 1:1 time with DSC and also to avoid defaulting to baby or toddler things when they were all together because there was a big age gap.

But we were EOW and can completely see how this could become an issue for more frequent time. Do you have DSCs every weekend?

No I don't feel like that.

We have one each and a child together with another on the way. Our oldest are adults now but if I think about when we got together my dh spent more time with my child than his as she had more time resident in our house than his.

With our joint child he lives with her full time so he is here for nights, breakfast school runs, bath time etc. Weekends are a mix and match of what ever we have going on at the time. We might have all of them, one of the older ones here and our youngest is here all the time.

Our youngest time is split between us if she isn't the only one at home so everything wouldn't fall to me to do if SS was here or my DD.

We do things with her with out the older two due to the age difference. We also do adult type things with the older two together or separately pre covid anyway.

Without a doubt DH spends more time with our joint resident child as do I as the older ones are at their respective parents at times.

Surely you’re a family so when your step children come you can do things together, their dad can take them all out or both of you? It sounds very much like you and them and not an us?...which is quite sad, it also depends how often they stay with their dad and the age difference between them and your child. Older children have different needs and you’d hope their dad spends age appropriate time with all his children. However he lives with you and your joint child so they naturally get more attention - getting the balance right of not letting anyone feel left out and giving time to everyone is difficult as a parent anyway, I think you need to come at this in a different way. I struggle sometimes because my youngest has additional needs so requires more of my time to get through the day, however my 10 year old wants us to do things together and my 15 year old needs time too..I also have a 19 year old so as the years have gone on I split myself so many different directions to suit my kids it’s hard.
I hope you find a way to not feel like this,

I know what you mean OP. My DP works long and erratic hours and often doesn't see DD much during the week, fortunately he is on board with the fact that he needs to spend time with both of them on weekends but the reality is that DSS requires/demands so much attention that practically speaking he does dominate weekends he is here for DP. We play it by ear, if DP has had a week when he hasn't really seen much of DD then he will say no more to DSS trying to pull him into another room to play exclusively (usually on video games) and will steer towards things we can all do together.

Someone I'm close to had a child with a man in these sort of circumstances.

It didn't work out well at all for the step mum and new child. He is only interested in the older children, possibly due to not wanting them to feel replaced, but it means he has basically nothing to do with the child he lives with and takes no interest in them. It's been quite a damaging experience for the wife and child. That said, I don't think it's particularly common for things to play out like that.

Husband works a lot and the age gap between my step kids and DC is almost a decade. So they have different needs and interests. I wouldn't mind entertaining them and spending time together if DH can't. But now with a child I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my own child to please other people's kids. They are with us every weekend and sometimes I just wish we could have a break and some time just the three of us. Not some time during the week, when I'm tired and going to bed when he comes home. But some time in the weekend when we're both off and could do our thing.

@Amanda87 I really feel for you. I don't have direct experience of this myself but my 3 dc (14, 18 & 24) have two half siblings on their dads side who are only 5 & 4 so same age gap as in your situation.
As a mum what I will say is that I firmly believe that ALL kids nowadays are way too demanding & expectant of their parents' time & it honestly shocks me how parents are no longer expected to have any child free down time at weekends & how many parents give into this belief.
I can only speak from my experience but I have always encouraged my dc to have weekend hobbies such as a youth club or to meet up with pals. As a result I have 3 very independent dc who never expected or wanted to spend all weekend hanging out with mum or dad.
I do plenty with them but most weekends (pre covid) they would also have lots on with their friends.
The same applies when they go to their dad's. They don't expect or want him to down tools for them - they'll meet pals during one day, maybe head to a playground with their younger siblings another day, sometimes they'll head out to friends in the evening or sit in and watch a family movie or a movie just with their dad.
I think this is really well balanced & honestly think my ex & I have handled this very well - they're independent people with their own lives - even the 14 year old.
On the flipside my exdp's dc (approx the same ages) were totally dependent on exdp for all their entertainment - it served no one well & exdp was permanently wrecked from working all week & then catering to their every whim all weekend.
I've no specific advice for you but just to say that imo your dh should be encouraging independence and natural separation at this point (I'm assuming they're teens) & this does involve saying no at times.
No as in "maybe go cycling with your friends? " or "maybe arrange a trip to the movies with your friends?".
I'm not saying he shouldn't spend time with them - just not all his time. I firmly believe that kids of that age need to socialise with their peers more than with their parents; that it's much healthier for them be they in a traditional or separated/blended setup.

Totally understand that it must be frustrating to never have a weekend with the three of you. I don’t have any solutions I’m afraid other than to say contact does tend to change as children get older and have more of a say in their lifestyles, so may become more flexible.

Also, could you have a couple of midweek days away together during term time? Not a regular option, I know, but may help.

I think it’s a really hard balance and I’ve pushed quite hard on DH that yes his DD needs to have attention but our DD also can’t feel that as soon as her sister comes along then she’s dropped in favour of her. There’s nearly a decade between DSD and DD and it’s hard to find activities that we can all enjoy so sometimes it is a bit of give and take where each child is going to places that they aren’t necessarily interested in (which is more stressful to drag a toddler too) but we persevere because I don’t want to be taking our DD places by myself while DH takes DD places all the time. Our DD is in bed by 7.30 so we try to use the evenings for the quality time with DSD.
I also feel quite strongly that I need to put my DD first when it comes to important issues as if I’m putting DSD first, her dad is and her mum is then there’s no one to put my DD first. DH is then stuck in the middle trying to work out who to prioritise but for me it’s simpler.

I also have a large gap with my 3 SC being teens and mine and my partners son being 3 so I completely get that. We have EOW so we tend to do younger stuff like swimming and farms without them then older stuff when they are here but they do get on great with their brother, are your SC close with your child?

Can you suggest that EOW your partner takes part in younger activities or just spends time you and your child even for a few hours and let the older ones enters in themselves? How old are they x

By the time DD came along the older kids did a week with us, a week with Mum.
This actually was a great arrangement. We had a week of small family and a week of bigger family. Sometimes we all did stuff together. Sometimes DH did different things with the older kids. It worked just fine..

"Other people's kids " that's nice isn't it! They're your step children, your husbands children. You shouldn't have got into a relationship with somebody who already had young children if you didn't want to be around them.

@Sanblasamor

"Other people's kids " that's nice isn't it! They're your step children, your husbands children. You shouldn't have got into a relationship with somebody who already had young children if you didn't want to be around them.

It's not about that! My step children have a full time mother, a step father and my husband. My child only has me. In which world is this fair???? They have fun at their mom's, go on trips, do everything. Who's gonna be there for my DC???? Why do I have to sacrifice my time with my little one that clearly needs more attention/ care than the Pre Teens????????

The reason why so many women are resentful is because they don't know how to set boundaries and they don't know how to say no.
The job to parent a child is their Parents'. The responsibility is their parents'. You make the fact that we married men that have children as if we have to agree with every single BS we are subjected to, specially coming from ex wives. We have lives that matter and we have stuff to take care of, other than being nannys, drivers, cooks, etc etc etc.
And for you that think we have to be submissive, you couldn't be more wrong. It is perfectly ok and normal to say no to demands that aren't your job and still be in love with your husband. It is HIS job to look after his children. Whoever think otherwise should be getting a paycheck or something.

Your child doesn't only have you though they have their dad full time?
Who said you have to sacrifice your time with your little one?

Surely, you knew he already had children before you decided to have a child with him?

It's so so tiresome to keep hearing 'you knew he had kids' as if that alone would give you magical insight into exactly how that would make you feel at every turn. If course we know our partners have kids when we meet then, believe me when I say you do not know exactly how that will impact your relationship and any other kids that come into the mix. If we were all so prescient no one would ever make a bad decision or choice.

@MrsMichaelPalin

Surely, you knew he already had children before you decided to have a child with him?

Not sure what the purpose of your message is, so I'll just ignore this useless comment.

@Beamur

It's so so tiresome to keep hearing 'you knew he had kids' as if that alone would give you magical insight into exactly how that would make you feel at every turn. If course we know our partners have kids when we meet then, believe me when I say you do not know exactly how that will impact your relationship and any other kids that come into the mix. If we were all so prescient no one would ever make a bad decision or choice.

Exactly, but the ex wives and the martyrs think that because we married a man that has children, we have to be slaves and maids for the rest of our lives. It's not all black or white, things get complicated and unpredictable. Obviously we care about our step children but I don't ever make my child feel less because her step sisters have so much and there's only so much time I can demand from her father.

That's ridiculous. And I'm sick and tired of that kinda comment.

If you meet a man with kids then you have to accept they are an equal priority basically. Dp and I don't have kids (too old) but we have our own, we don't differentiate whose kids they are

Who on earth is saying or even implying that you have to be a slave or a maid?
You are talking about your step children being around you as being other peoples kids. They are your husbands children just like your own DC.

You sound very angry just that your step kids exist op. No one here expects you to be a maid, taking care of his children is your DHs responsibility. If he's experiencing you to do all the running around for him that's an issue with him you need to resolve.

You do realise that an optimal family for your SKs isn't having step fathers etc? It would be to live with both their mother and their father, like your DC does.

The step kids are part of your DHs family, seeing them at the weekend isn't too much to ask. Make room for you all to spend time together. Either that or end your marriage.

It is perfectly ok and normal to say no to demands that aren't your job

Agreed. So how has that worked for you?

because we married a man that has children, we have to be slaves and maids for the rest of our lives

Surely you have control of what happens in your home? Who is expecting you to be a maid or slave in your house? If it's your DH...then you need to address it with him and stand firm.

I don't ever make my child feel less because her step sisters have so much

So is it your H making your child feel less? If so perhaps you need to talk to him about it and how you think your DD will end up feeling about this...or indeed how you feel about.

and there's only so much time I can demand from her father.

It is HIS job to look after his children.
Then leave him to it and refuse to look after his kids.
I personally would struggle to love someone if they treated me like a skivvy and the unpaid help with their DC.

Was it any different before you had your child? Was he a hands on dad then and has suddenly changed now?

I think this is what people sometimes mean when they say you knew he had kids...before you had your own child with them...you would have got some insight into his parenting.