Step mothers having their own children

[Amanda87]

Just wondering if you guys that have been step mothers and then became mothers ever feel like your kid isn't getting enough. I mean, obviously your husband's kids will be visiting, having their father attention, bla bla bla, but do you ever feel like they are somehow missing some time with their dad?
When you both work the entire week and your DC is going to school, Day Care and so on, and then the weekend comes and the DSC are over and you guys kinda take turns on who's gonna watch who, and your child is always left for you to watch. The dad is watching his kids and you're running around yours. Does that make you feel sad?
Not sure I made myself clear and will probably be piled on for that, but would like to hear some thoughts.

If you meet a man with kids then you have to accept they are an equal priority basically.
It sounds to me like OP would like it if her DSC were an equal priority, and not elevated above her child. Which is what is happening if every weekend he is entirely focussed on them only.

I actually understand where you are coming from and I sympathise with you.

I don't have any DC with my partner but I do have 2 DSC in there teens .

My DP is adamant that he sees them more or less every weekend he wants to be seen as a good dad to them and he is doing a good job as a father

This does impact our weekends as both of us are busy in the week it can be frustrating sometimes even though I knew he had DC especially when you got a lazy Exw in the mix who does nothing with them which I think she does on purpose ! Exw has never encouraged them to join groups or make friends locally either so they rely on there dad as my partner says they would just be sitting in there rooms doing nothing she thinks by them living with her is enough!
I would have properly felt like you op if I'd have had DC with him as his DC are very needy !

So don't let others on here make you feel bad it's natural as a mother that you want your DC put first too who will otherwise!

I think you’ve achieved a good score on MN SM bingo with these replies @Amanda87. 😂

It is hard to feel like your child recedes into the background the instant the DSC arrive. Your partner needs to devote his time equitably between all his children.

Does he spend any time with your child at the weekend?

I wish people would read threads like this when everyone piles on and tells posters to leave their husbands all the time

Meaning they end up in these kind of situations when they 'move on'. Blended families are not easy.

Why doesn't he spend anytime with your child at weekends?

There bound to be times when the teenagers are doing things for themselves. Get up later for a start.

Why can't he spend way mornings with his youngest, and then do bath and bed times in the evenings?

Going out should be all together at least some of the times.

I'll let you know in April when our first baby together arrives! 🙈😂

Wasn't like that for me, but DSS lived with us all the time, so he was treated exactly the same as his little brother. DH was a very hands on dad and saw his kids as equal. I can't imagine him ever making a fuss of DSS at the expense of DS just because DSS has a different mum, it isn't something I recognise as a reasonable dynamic. I also don't like the snide responses about knowing what you are getting into marrying a father, but that isn't always true - not every divorced father behaves in the same way so how can you anticipate what you are getting into? I think I was one of the lucky ones given how many threads I see on here that are alien to me. Perhaps I was also fortunate in not having to navigate a shared custody model, perhaps I would have a very different opinion if I had. Who knows?

I think you have a husband problem.
We have an almost ten year age gap between our eldest and youngest, sometimes there would be a bored baby or a bored bigger child, mostly not. Our days out would be things like museums, good playgrounds, rowing! Playing in the garden, swimming, the zoo.
Why is it every weekend that your step children spend with you? I would imagine that's a bit rubbish for them and their mum.

I feel the same way, we're not married so I'm not officially step mum but we live together and have a 6 month old. My partners daughter spends the time 50/50 with us and her mum but my partner is the primary parent, main contact for doctors/school etc, he likes to be in control as doesn't fully trust her mum.

Since having our baby I do feel a constant sadness, the 5yr old demands so much attention from her dad when together, we have argued about it so many times, he wants me to focus on her too but I don't have the natural urge anymore because I want to solely focus on bringing up my baby. She is a very good 5yr old though, never complains, he does have the typical dad guilt and lets her do anything she wants etc / I try and gain some authority and she respects me but then he'll get annoyed if I deny her something, like chocolate for example (if she's already had a load!).

He often wants to collect her early from her mum on the weekends she's supposed to be there and when I say I'd rather he didn't because it's our weekend, his time to spend with me and our son, I'm made to feel guilty and am accused of being jealous.

It's so so hard and it's difficult when I know no one else in the same situation as me. I love him so much but I worry our communication has got quite bad as I can feel neither of us can say what we really, really want or how we really feel due to being worried about the others reaction.

Just saddens me that he doesn't seem to be excited about the prospect of us spending time together as a 3 when it's so important to me. The fact that he has shared something so precious and special with someone else makes me feel sick to the stomach, they still send photos to each other which I don't seem necessary. I didn't think I was going to feel this way at all, it all changed when the baby arrived and I felt the unconditional love and happiness for this being, I just want him to have all the special time with his dad and she did and I hate the fact he is treated as a 2nd child when he is my first.

That's a proper rant, I apologise x

I’m a step Mam and recognise what your saying I have felt the same resentment. I often felt my kids were missing out because we always had to do things for DSS who is also around a decade older than mine. We have recently started doing ‘Special weekends’ dedicated to each child where we spend that weekend doing something designed to cater to that child, the next weekend to the next one. So they all have time to do their own activity and everyone is treated equally.

your child is always left for you to watch.

Yes sometimes. My DSS has SEN and requires constant attention. He’s also quite aggressive at times and so needs separating from my own DC (and other people) when he starts. I would like to be able to go off and have some childfree time but because of DSS’ demands it’s very rare. My DH works away a lot too. I resent the lack of downtime.

DSS behaviour has always been this bad, it’s gotten worse as he’s got older.

Dear OP,
I know how you feel and I’m saddened but the amount of negative comments. Obviously I don’t know the circumstances you SC came on the scene but my DH has a nearly 12yo DD who he wasn’t told about by the mother I told DD was 1 because she was holding on to a boyfriend saying it was his. My DH and the mum had a ONS and she conceived. Turns out she does this to other men too, now has 3 all from different fathers. We now have a DS and every Saturday is ‘sacrificed’ to spending special time with DSD. By Sunday DH is tired so doesn’t do anything with our DS. It is really hard and I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do, after all you are having to make up extra time for your LO that should be given by your DH.
All I can say is that hopefully once they’re a bit older and have a say in what they want to do and perhaps spend time with their friends at weekends, you and DH can spend tome together as a family just the 3 of you. I never thought I’d feel this way but you don’t know until you are presented with the situation. Stay strong!
Sending love

after all you are having to make up extra time for your LO that should be given by your DH

Erm...the step child is with her mother the rest of the week, presumably making up the extra time for her child that should be given by her dad?

But she also has a step dad? And from what I understand OP’s DC is already in bed by the time DH finishes work...

What I’m saying is that the OP’s DC shouldn’t be made to feel left out just because there are other children involved and I’m sure a solution will be found but I do understand why the OP feels the way she does, after all all mothers will want the best for their own children above all, it’s instinct

The dad is watching his kids and you're running around yours. Does that make you feel sad?

This doesn’t happen here. He looks after all the kids.

To be honest I’m not sure this is that different to lots of families once a second or third child comes along. The second child misses out on a lot of one on one time that the first child benefitted from, and gets pretty much zero time with both parents fully focused on them.

But she also has a step dad?

What has that got to do with anything? It is not the job of the step dad to do the dad's job of parenting. The simple fact of the matter is OP is upset about her child not seeing their dad and the fact that she feels she is having to fill in when he's concentrating on other stuff...much the same as any separated mum who's children only see their father every other weekend.

@Lilybet1980

To be honest I’m not sure this is that different to lots of families once a second or third child comes along. The second child misses out on a lot of one on one time that the first child benefitted from, and gets pretty much zero time with both parents fully focused on them.

That’s not the point of OP’s post. She is saying one child is being prioritised over another, not that their time is spilt as a consequence of their being more than one child and that OP is left with a disproportionate amount of childcare as a consequence whilst one child has a larger amount of 1 to 1 with their Dad.

You do realise that an optimal family for your SKs isn't having step fathers etc? It would be to live with both their mother and their father, like your DC does.

Fgs why do people always assume that this is what every child wants? And that because they don’t have it, their younger half siblings need to compensate for it somehow.

@PegLegTrev but that also happens a lot with two children families. Dad spends more time with the elder one, taking them out to the park for example, whilst mum deals with the baby.

That might be the case - in this instance OP’s children aren’t babies and she has more than one (reference to both school and daycare).