DSD jealous of DD

[nightmonkeydaymonkeyy]

Hello, I have a 11 month old DD and a 10 yo DSD. Relationship has always been good, I've known DSD since she was 3. She's always been great with my DD, until the last few weeks when she gets v.jealous of her to the point where she's sometimes mean and shouts at her.

We always make sure she has a lot of alone time with my DH, and that we also do things as a family. I know this is pretty normal, but any ideas to improve the situation would be very welcome.

DSD is with us 75% of weekends and a night or two mid week.

I may not be reading correctly but is she using the excuse of not having alone time with her dad as a reason for her being mean to her sister? Has DSD heard anyone mention ‘time alone’ with her dad? In my experience it sounds like a mature thing to communicate even if that’s how she feels or she knows she will get sympathy and more understanding by using that phrase?

I do agree with this to be honest, it sounds like your DH is spending loads of 1-on-1 time with your SD so there feeling is unlikely to be a genuine expression of how she's feeling. Wonder if she's been looking it up online or something?

Either way, it sounds like you're both handling it well so hopefully she'll just move through this phase soon.

Just in case I've confused anyone, the issue isn't that my DSD is mean when she's alone with DD, it's when she's with my DD and my DH (and I'm elsewhere). I would never put my DD in harms way, or risk her being in an upsetting position on her own.

A common example is if I'm upstairs doing something, and DSD wants my DH to go outside with her, and he'll say, "I can't right now as watching DD whilst DSM is upstairs" and she'll have a big strop, say my DD has ruined everything, say my DD is horrible to her (because she gets upset if she picks her up) and then starts shouting at my DSD if she goes to DH, or tries to dodge another 'hug'. This can all take place after DSD and DH have just come back from a bike ride or something.

I have explained that not all babies like being picked up like dolls etc. The problem is, my DD is incredibly affectionate to me and DH, but mainly because we let her come to us. I have tried to explain this to DD but she forgets after a few hours.

I think DSD might sometimes feel a bit rejected by DD because of this, and maybe this turns to anger at her? I just don't know.

My DSD is quite grown up (I appreciate this thread doesn't really reflect that!) so saying "I don't get any alone time with you" is fairly normal. She could be using it a bit to get her own way.. it's not the first time she's played the poor DSD card, however I an also very conscious she doesn't get to see her Dad every day, so I don't want to be insensitive if she is feeling jealous/anxious.

Also it's worth saying that at other times she's lovely to DSD and can make her really giggle. It's only recently this other side of her has come out and I want to nip it in the bud and ensure we can all be as harmonious as possible. At the moment I dread my DSD visiting and I don't want to feel like that.

Sounds like normal kids jealousy. New baby has come along and dsd feels abit pushed out and is fighting for dads attentions, she wants him all to herself. It'll blow over as your dd gets abit bigger

Just in case I've confused anyone, the issue isn't that my DSD is mean when she's alone with DD, it's when she's with my DD and my DH (and I'm elsewhere). I would never put my DD in harms way, or risk her being in an upsetting position on her own.

A common example is if I'm upstairs doing something, and DSD wants my DH to go outside with her, and he'll say, "I can't right now as watching DD whilst DSM is upstairs" and she'll have a big strop, say my DD has ruined everything, say my DD is horrible to her (because she gets upset if she picks her up) and then starts shouting at my DSD if she goes to DH, or tries to dodge another 'hug'. This can all take place after DSD and DH have just come back from a bike ride or something.

So she has 1:1 time with her dad and then after that turns mean towards your DD? And she waits until she thinks you’re out of earshot to shout at a baby? So this is calculated behaviour which she knows is wrong.

And you and DH are scared that if you discipline her for this she will want to end contact early and return to her mother?

Sorry, OP but there are times to let’s things go to keep the peace and this isn’t one of those. I’d be keen to get to the bottom of what’s upsetting her and address it but also the softly softly response to bad behaviour is giving her a green light to continue. A 10 yo being mean to a baby? It has to stop completely.

Op. What on Earth is going on? Please re read your posts. A ten year old child, thinks it’s acceptable to shout (in front of a baby) that said baby has ‘ruined everything’ and you think your explanation makes this better? No. It does not. Why are you even beginning to defend this behaviour/ normalise it?

The baby avoids her? Well babies absorb energy. And being around a child who shouts is unlikely to settle a baby - quite the opposite actually. What does your DD do when this happens? Cry?

OP. This is unacceptable. Plain and simple. Whatever your DSD’s Issues, this should not and cannot be happening around your daughter.

Feeling sad/ angry/ rejected does not give her carte Blanche to be utterly vile to a completely innocent and defenseless baby.

I agree completely with @MeridianB and @sassbott. This behaviour from a 10 year old is inexcusable. She definitely knows better. It needs addressing more sternly.

This behaviour from a 10 year old is inexcusable. She definitely knows better. It needs addressing more sternly.

Have to admit I agree with this. My SS is 10 and I wouldn't expect him to act this way - or certainly not so regularly anyway, maybe a few hiccups - and if he did it would be something I would ask my OH to sit down and properly tackle with him.

He only needs to sit down with her and ask why she's feeling upset when they have just done X,Y and Z together and what makes her feel like it's your baby's fault. Then let her know that if she's upset she can always come and tell him but shouting and being mean to DD is not acceptable and won't be tolerated.

Thanks all, I do agree. I'll monitor it more closely and make sure it's very clear it is unacceptable. I really hope it passes. It's also made me really worry about her reaction if we ever had another.