DSD jealous of DD

[nightmonkeydaymonkeyy]

Hello, I have a 11 month old DD and a 10 yo DSD. Relationship has always been good, I've known DSD since she was 3. She's always been great with my DD, until the last few weeks when she gets v.jealous of her to the point where she's sometimes mean and shouts at her.

We always make sure she has a lot of alone time with my DH, and that we also do things as a family. I know this is pretty normal, but any ideas to improve the situation would be very welcome.

DSD is with us 75% of weekends and a night or two mid week.

Is it covid stresses? I know it sounds silly but kids are under so much pressure a the moment and if it's recent it may be that rather than jealousy.
Or could it be as simple as her little half sister is at a difficult age? My son was a nightmare at that age getting into older half siblings stuff and me constantly reminding them not to leave lego, sylvanoan toys etc out where he could grab them and maybe choke. It got better when he turned 2 and a bit as was more mobile and responded to boundaries a bit more.

Did you spend 1:1 time with her before, if so do you still? She might miss you.

Thanks for responding @Pleaseaddcaffine. It could perhaps be Covid stress, although life seems to have a returned a little more to normal now she's back at school, but definitely a consideration.

I think the issue is almost the other way around. My DSD constantly tries to pick up my DD. Especially if she's getting any sort of attention. My DD quite happily sits and plays with her own toys, and really likes her DSD joining her, but the constant picking up makes her miserable and then DSD shouts at her for not wanting to cuddle.

@lunar1 I did used to a bit more than I do not, I admit. Mainly because there's not much to do with lockdown etc! But also by default I tend to stay with my DD so my DH can spend time with DSD.
I'll start suggesting we do some stuff just the two of us

Honestly I don't think it's anything to do with her being a stepchild. It can be difficult when a younger sibling comes along, because she's been so used to having all the attention for such a long time (it's quite a big age gap between them after all) and now there's a baby screaming the house down and everyone drops everything when the baby needs something (obviously!) whereas she probably gets pushed to one side and has to wait.

It's normal for there to be a bit of sibling jealousy, add to that all of the worries 2020 has brought with it .. and things are bound to be difficult.

Be firm with her, say she cannot under any circumstances be unkind to her baby sister - she's too young to understand whatever it is that DSD is shouting at her about.

Carry on spending personal time with your DSD so she knows she's loved and gets regular personal attention.

Some good advice above. She also needs to stop picking DD up constantly (and understand why) and definitely needs to stop shouting at her! No one should think shouting at a baby is OK. 😟

@LindaEllen thanks, really good advice. I agree it's more of an older/younger sibling issue rather than half sibling related.

We're trying to be quite relaxed about it, not make it into a big deal and just keep helping them navigate their thoughts/emotions!

@MeridianB I know, it makes me really sad. I don't feel quite like I can discipline my DSD as I would if she were my own daughter. I tend to bite my tongue an awful lot. My DH is good though and will say it's unfair to shout at her and she's only a baby.

I don't have a DSD or a baby but I do have a nearly 10 year older DD and I think they are taking on so much with all the COVID stuff, hormones beginning to play up, thinking about moving on to secondary education.

I'm just trying to make sure that my DD knows that she's still my DD and I'm the adult and she doesn't need to worry too much.

As others have suggested maybe some one to one time with her doing something girly would be nice or how about helping her make a meal/snacks you can all enjoy so she's helping to look after her little sister?

Make sure you don’t leave them alone together.

I don’t think it’s normal at all. Shouting at a baby is shocking. Especially because she’s happy playing and doesn’t want to be picked up. You and DH both need to come down hard on that. She’s 11. It’s well old enough to know it’s unacceptable.

Yeah I find it really upsetting. I know I sound biased, but my DD is so quiet and unassuming.. she just doesn't understand. My DSD is generally such a lovely girl too, she has her moments (like all kids) when she can be a bit dramatic/emotional about things, but taking it out on her sister is new.

My DH will always pull her up on it and I'll do the same if I'm there. She tends to wait until I'm not in the room to say the nasty things/shout (not realising I can still here her from other areas of the house!)

Don't leave them alone. Your baby does not need to be screeched at constantly. That's awful and there's no wonder DD doesn't want to cuddle her sister!

Totally understand that there are times when it’s best for the NRP to handle, but when it comes to her behaviour with your child, you are totally within your rights to step in.

I wouldn’t hesitate to stop this behaviour or impose consequences for any more examples of it once you and DH have had a chat with DSD.

Your DD has the right to a safe and happy space.

Just read your last post, OP. The fact that DSD is waiting until she is alone with the baby to be mean is so worrying. Please don’t leave them alone. Your DD should be protected.

This behaviour is not going to go away on its own. Please help your DSD understand why it’s wrong and what the consequences are. She is way too old to be doing this and thinking it’s OK.

What? Suddenly covid is an excuse for a child to yell at a baby? Wtf? I’ve heard it all.

No, nothing justifies a baby being shouted at / mean things being said. It’s bullying plain and simple. And it has to be stopped, not worked around.

You say your DH is dealing with it. How? What discipline is in place to stop the behaviour?
I’m sorry but covid or not covid, if either of my children were unkind/ shouted at a younger defenceless child, their devices would be taken away. Zero screen time. Straight to their rooms and only allowed to come out if they were able to explain why they shouted and articulate why they thought such behaviour was acceptable.

It’s irrelevant that this is a step sibling relationship. No 10 year old child should be shouting at a 11 month old baby! Ever.

OP, put a blanket stop to this now. Don’t leave them alone and if it happens again, remove your DD. Firmly state that the behaviour is unacceptable and until she learns how to be kind and gentle, you will not allow her to play with your DD.

She's not doing anything mean when they're alone, that I'm aware of. I meant she only complains about DD and shouts at their when my DH is there and I'm not.
There's very little time when they're on their own together anyway.

My DH doesn't condone the behaviour at all and will calmly tell her to not shout at the baby. When my DSD complains that she doesn't get time alone with him, he points out all the many times that they do go out on their own. He hasn't yet punished her (removed iPad, sent to room etc). We're always a little worried she might ring her mum and say she wants to go home, so we try to diffuse a situation as quickly as possible. I guess that's where the step parenting / blended family stuff comes into play. If she was my DD I'd be much firmer.

So she decides to go back to her mum’s? I doubt her mum will be happy about that. But even if she facilitates it then at least DD doesn’t have to be around someone who’s horrible to her. And DSD will come to realise her behaviour is unacceptable in her father’s home.

OP, I’ve got a one year old and step kids with a similar age gap to yours. There is no way I’d put up with anyone manhandling my child or shouting at her. No way. Not another adult, certainly not one of her half siblings. We’re lucky my DSC are really good with her but any hint of the type of thing you describe and I’d go ballistic. DH would too but she’s equally my child and I’d consider it my job to stop anything bad happening to her.

Does DSD try and cuddle other people against their will? Does she shut at school friends? If so you’ve got big problems. If not she’s doing it to your DD because she thinks she can take advantage of a baby. And that’s really nasty.

Look if she really is jealous then there is the possibility of her hurting the child when you’re outside the room. It might be just pinching or similar but honestly I wouldn’t risk it while the younger child is so vulnerable.

I really wouldn't leave them alone. She has to be trustworthy before you can do that and currently she isn't. It's not fair at all on the baby. DSD needs to be told about consent and that no one should be touching another person in a way they don't want. She's not a toy! She's a person.

I wouldn't punish her behaviour. I would try to talk about consent and seeing the baby as a person. Ask her how she feels when people shout at her. And if someone hugged her against her will and then shouted at her for not wanting to would that be fair. Then help her to learn how to invite the baby to her. Help her to read the babies cues. How to come alongside her abs start playing with her etc. She sounds a bit clueless.

You wouldn’t punish? A 10 year of child (who by the way will be fully aware of bullying) who is picking on a defenseless (can’t even speak yet) baby? The Op clearly says this child is saying nasty things/ shouting. And also admits that both she and her DH are worried about the DSd wanting to go home.

So once again, another SC is misbehaving and not being appropriately disciplined. So of course the behaviour will continue. By 10, unless a child has development needs - they are fully aware (not clueless) about play around younger children. This is hammered into all children at primary school.

She is jealous and I’m not saying she doesn’t need help with her feelings. But Christ at what point does proper parenting kick in by saying ‘you categorically do not do that and if you do xyz are the repercussions. We love you, however this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Go away to your room and think about why you’re behaving this way.’

She is TEN! She will be at secondary school soon and very much old enough to know this behaviour is wrong and unacceptable.

If there are no consequences to her behaviour apart from calmly telling her not to do it then no wonder she is carrying on. She well may be feeling insecure and worried about things, but this is no excuse. DH should continue to do 1-1 time but if she is avoiding disciplining her because of problems with her mother then I don’t really see how you can resolve it properly. Children need firm boundaries.

I may not be reading correctly but is she using the excuse of not having alone time with her dad as a reason for her being mean to her sister? Has DSD heard anyone mention ‘time alone’ with her dad? In my experience it sounds like a mature thing to communicate even if that’s how she feels or she knows she will get sympathy and more understanding by using that phrase?

I have a similar scenario in terms of age and step sibling but my DSD loves her brother and is soo protective. She did always want to hold him too but he just didn’t like it and I used to just remind her he wasn’t a doll or reassure her he was the same with me.

If she was mean I would not be brushing it aside afraid of her demanding to go to her mums. I would be making it perfectly clear her behaviour is not tolerated.

She tends to wait until I'm not in the room to say the nasty things/shout (not realising I can still here her from other areas of the house!)

This is incredibly worrying and not OK at all. As others have said, please don't leave them alone together. She should be firmly reprimanded for that behaviour, she's old enough to know how wrong it is!