Son dislikes stepmum, help!

[supernannyurm]

I was hoping someone could help me as I’m at such a loss on what to do. This isn’t a step mother bashing thread at all. I like the woman my ex is married too, I knew her before she even met my ex.

My 9 year old son told his stepmother a couple of weeks ago that he doesn’t like her. Things have been building up to this moment. My son has been ignoring her whenever he goes to his dads which is half the week. From what I can gather she hasn’t done anything bad or mean to him. She buys him things and arranges day out etc.

Me and his dad don’t want to stop my son from going to his dads but it’s getting to the point now where my son and his stepmother are dreading his visits. If he’s there and ignoring her or starts acting really upset she will go out for the day. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own home. And to make matters worse I’ve just found out she is a few weeks pregnant but my son doesn’t know yet. He already has a 2 year old sister on his dads side.

When I ask my son why he doesn’t like her he can’t give me a reason why. We’ve told him we don’t expect him to be affectionate or sit down and have long conversations with her but he needs to respect her and speak to her when he first goes in or when he is spoken too.

My son came back this morning hysterically crying saying he is so miserable and I don’t know how to fix things. I don’t want my son feeling like this but I also don’t want my ex’s partner to feel uncomfortable in her own home. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can help the situation. Many thanks.

I think it could be to do with the two year old and jealousy. He was probably his dad's (and step-mum's) number one for many years and then along comes the two year old and turns his world upside down.

My 9 year old son told his stepmother a couple of weeks ago that he doesn’t like her. Things have been building up to this moment. My son has been ignoring her whenever he goes to his dads which is half the week

How long has this build up been going on?

His dad has been with her for 6/7 years and to suddenly feel unhappy there must stem from somewhere.

Could you maybe bring it down to his level in a calm safe and reassuring way... so for example, his friend Tom tells him he doesn't like him one day....what would he say? Chances are he'd ask why...that's the natural thing to do even for a 9 year old.

I was also wondering whether you have a partner...and how your DS is with him.

Another thing is sometimes kids in his position feel like the odd one out. They have half siblings on either side living with both their parents full time and they're the only one going between 2 houses.

Children also usually feel closer to a half sibling when they have the same mum.

My son came back this morning hysterically crying saying he is so miserable and I don’t know how to fix things.

Something more is going on for him to react this way. I don't agree with pp who say it's his dad's job to fix it....he's your son, of course you don't like seeing him so upset and naturally want to be able to resolve things. It's a joint effort, as he has 2 parents.

Excellent advice/post from @SandyY2K

I don’t often comment on posts but I felt compelled to reply.

I am in a position similar to your ds’s stepmum. My SC ignore my existence. They don’t speak to me and I often feel invisible. One has been overheard saying horrible stuff and how much he hates me. Breaks my heart as I care for those kids and do so much for them.

What I think would make things easier in my home is if my OH fought my corner a bit. Instead he kind of brushes it under the carpet. I find that because of that it just ingrains in to me sc’s minds that it’s ok to behave like that.

I also think that you sound like an amazing mum. What you can do is start encouraging him to treat her with respect. If I knew that my own child was doing this I would meet with my ex and discuss a way forward.

I just wish my oh’s ex cared as much as you clearly do

Thanks @Magda72

When I met my 3 SC 7 years ago the eldest was very feisty towards me and wanted his other life with mum and dad back, he was just 11 at the time. I had zero experience with kids so I just chose to ignore it all and not push anything because it made us both uncomfortable, my partner would pull him up if he ever outright ignored me... and I would protect him and say thing like 'oh he did reply did you not hear him?' Just to show home that I wasn't trying to get home into trouble rightly or wrongly.

This went on for about a year of barely interacting then one day I had stayed the night and the night morning he had a inset day and was staying at dads on his own, I too was off work and went home to my own house (other 2 kids went to school and partner went to work) then I got a text from him about 11am asking if I was going back to his dads at any point because if I was he would show me his new PS game. Literally I was in IKEA with a friend and I dropped everything and said I had to go, I couldn't miss this window. So we played games for a few hours I made lunch then we watched tele! He spoke more to me that one day than he had in a year. Dad came home and was literally overjoyed.

Then it was if a light came on and he was fine with me after that. I think not pushing kids and having their back helps but I understand your situation has been many years which is different.

As you and SM get on could you both take him out do you think? If he sees you like her he might warm up?

Agree, your view of this is so sensible and that’s great.

Does he get enough alone time with his dad?

We had some ups and downs about contact at this age - almost as if there was an emotional leap and everything suddenly became overwhelming but even DSC did not understand it, so definitely couldn’t articulate it. It was worrying though.

Maybe he simply does nt like her, perhaps he does n’t want to spend time with her and a toddler. The obvious solution for his father to see his son alone.

I do agree with other posters that 9 is plenty old enough not to be rude and ignore someone so that needs dealing with. If she hasn't done anything wrong, which it sounds like she hasn't, him not liking her is not an excuse to be rude to her. It sounds like you know that though.

Also agree that there has to be something more to this after such a long time, you don't have a step mother for 7 years since you were two years old, get on well (I'm assuming they used to?) And then all of a sudden decide you don't like her and refuse to say why. There is a reason for this even if he won't tell you what it is and if I were to have to guess I'd say it were the 2 year old and possibly him not getting enough attention anymore.

Could his dad see him alone for a while?