Son dislikes stepmum, help!

[supernannyurm]

I was hoping someone could help me as I’m at such a loss on what to do. This isn’t a step mother bashing thread at all. I like the woman my ex is married too, I knew her before she even met my ex.

My 9 year old son told his stepmother a couple of weeks ago that he doesn’t like her. Things have been building up to this moment. My son has been ignoring her whenever he goes to his dads which is half the week. From what I can gather she hasn’t done anything bad or mean to him. She buys him things and arranges day out etc.

Me and his dad don’t want to stop my son from going to his dads but it’s getting to the point now where my son and his stepmother are dreading his visits. If he’s there and ignoring her or starts acting really upset she will go out for the day. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own home. And to make matters worse I’ve just found out she is a few weeks pregnant but my son doesn’t know yet. He already has a 2 year old sister on his dads side.

When I ask my son why he doesn’t like her he can’t give me a reason why. We’ve told him we don’t expect him to be affectionate or sit down and have long conversations with her but he needs to respect her and speak to her when he first goes in or when he is spoken too.

My son came back this morning hysterically crying saying he is so miserable and I don’t know how to fix things. I don’t want my son feeling like this but I also don’t want my ex’s partner to feel uncomfortable in her own home. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can help the situation. Many thanks.

How long have they lived together? Has your son disliked her throughout the whole relationship?
Has she tried to speak to him about it all?

Do they have anything that they jointly enjoy? Looking for something where both their attention is focussed on the same thing so gives them something to talk about after. Any works from a board game, to theme park visit (not currently) to a hunt for whatever at an English Heritage or national trust.

Thanks for the replies. They've been together 7 years and lived together for 6. Whenever she has asked him he just shrugs his shoulders and starts crying. I'll suggest them maybe doing an activity together. They are moving house soon and I've suggested maybe them decorating his room together.

I think half a week is too long in those circumstances. Your son sounds really unhappy which isn't good. One overnight is enough till things improve. Especially when another new baby will soon be on the scene.

This is up to his dad to fix. However it might be worth getting another adult to talk to your son, if he can't open up to you. He might not be able to vocalise his feelings. It could be loads of things, from misguided loyalty, to not liking that SM parents him instead of dad, to wanting one base instead of 50/50, or a myriad of other reasons. The only person who knows is your son, and he might not be able to say. Spend loads of time talking with him about different things and after a few days see if he can make sense of it with you.

He already has a 2 year old sister on his dads side.

Is the 2yo hers too?

Sorry but your son sounds rude telling someone he doesnt like them and ignoring them is horrible, thats not how to treat people especially when they haven't done anything to you so I wouldn't let him behave like that regardless how he feels its not acceptable.

I dont think 50/50 can always work have you put across the idea of changing the contact?
Could it be that he is getting jealous where the attention isnt on him all the time with the 2 year old now getting older? I know my own ss struggled with that alot where he was an older child when his mum had a child with her new partner his jealousy got worse the older his brother got.
If shes a nice lady and there doesnt appear any issues is it that her attention is now focused more on her 2 year old and hes not happy with her about it?

Do you have a partner or younger DC? If he’s used to having you all to himself is he jealous of his dad having another child? Two year olds take up a lot of time and energy. Maybe he blames his step mum for the toddler existing and wants his dad to himself.

He can’t be ignoring her and saying mean things to her, his dad needs to tackle that head on. He doesn’t need to love or like her but 9 is well old enough to know he should be being polite at the very least. It’s not okay for him to refuse to acknowledge her. You’d be very upset if he was like that to a partner of yours. He won’t remember life without her, she sounds like she makes an effort and hasn’t done anything wrong.

This is down to his father to resolve.
Is his father leaving ds with her for extended periods? Is his df trying to enforce happy family time by forcing her to participate in everything while he is there. Your ds may wish to spend time with his father, not her and she may resent being forced into default parenting if his df is leaving ds with her /expecting her to look after him. And she may resent forced happy families.
Does she try too hard? Is she asking to be called mum, is your ex telling ds he must call her mum?
Is there any suspicion ds may be feeling like you’re being airbrushed out of his life. Maybe he feels he is going to be replaced in his fathers life with a new baby if it’s a boy.
Maybe he just doesn’t enjoy spending time in their house if he can’t contact friends, house rules may be different (not necessarily a bad thing) maybe he just misses you.
I agree it’s not reasonable for her to be expected to leave her home for half the week but on the other hand she’s not his parent so she is entitled to do things in her free time so her going out may not mean anything.
Perhaps you could mention it in school and see if he will disclose what’s bothering him to an adult who isn’t involved in the relationship.

So refreshing to see a thread where the step mum isn't being bashed. You seem so lovely op.
Could your son perhaps be feeling resentful that you and his dad aren't together and that he blames his partner? The world is so different through the eyes of a child. Maybe he's resentful because he knows that there's never a chance you and his dad will get back together? X

She’s been in his life since he was 2. OP sounds nice and pretty switched on. Let’s take her word for it that the SM isn’t an evil witch. She took on a man with a toddler half the week. That’s admirable. Bit of a reach to suggest she’s trying to pretend OP doesn’t exist, makes him call her mum or oversteps. Typical, but quite ridiculous fantasising.

I wonder if the "not liking stepmum" is a cover for something else he doesn't know how to express. As PPs have said - possibly the 50/50, possibly how much time he gets with his Dad. I think the suggestion of another trusted adult is a good one if that's possible.

Maybe he might just value some time alone with his father and feels she's always there.. But even so it's no reason for him to not acknowledge her and be rude.. She's trying.. OP, as far as you're aware does your son get any 1:1 time with his dad.

Yeah the two year old is his step mums. My son knows he's been rude and he's been told by myself and his father. Then when we tell him off for it he cries.

I'll speak to his dad about dropping going to his on maybe just the weekends so there is longer times spent between each house. He spends time alone with his dad and myself.

I have a nearly 5 year old and my son is ok with his sister here apart from the normal sibling arguing. I don't know how my son will react to knowing he has another sibling on the way.

Firstly, you and stepmum sound lovely

Unfortunately children can't always process their emotions like an adult and can't always explain themselves properly.

Obviously no one can say for certain why your son is feeling how he does but could he be struggling with sharing his dad with a toddler? I know I was terrified that one of my parents would have another child when I was little. They'd live with my mum or dad 100% of the time and in my 9 year old brain this would make them the 'proper' child.

Of course, lots of people make situations like this work and people have fantastic bonds between half siblings. Maybe 1:1 time with dad will help him feel more secure in his position?

Alternatively, I remember my stepmum playing good cop a lot to encourage us to like her For example, when my dad said it's time to leave the park, she might have said "oh go on, let them have 5 more minutes!". (Cue exaggerated comedy eye rolls from dad and an "oh go on then!").

I'm not sure that this is technically good advice... but it did make us see her as someone who could be on our side, rather than just dad's gf IYSWIM.

Good luck, he's lucky to have family that are willing to work together to help him and will likely be fine

It sounds slightly like the women are doing all the emotional juggling here. Dad needs to step up and sort this out. He needs to have some conversations with his son about behaviour and what’s acceptable.

Your son might hate some of his teachers but he wouldn’t be rude to them I hope!

Step mothers often don’t have much involvement with dsc and that’s fine. But it’s trickier here because of the other sibling.

OP is it possible someone has said something at school.

We sort of had this with ds1 with DP, who he previously absolutely loved. Dp took a slight step back in terms of discipline etc and we had lots if cuddles and just time where ds1 knew he could talk to me.

It eventually came out that he had a friend who hated his stepfather, he had listened to a few conversations where DC were complaining tat everyone hated their stepfather / mother. Ds1 genuinely got a bit confused and thought that it was how it worked and he should automatically "hate " DP too.

I didn't tell him he had to like him but to decide for himself. We had a long conversation about families coming in all shapes and sizes and how DP was a bonus adult to love him and look after him but it was ok not to like him sometimes (as we have had the conversation he won't like me sometimes either as his dm but that was ok).

He slowed the behaviour and we didn't put pressure and he now adores DP again. (Poor DP had a rough ride through that particular phase)

Is it worth talking to him if anything g has been said at school.

Ds1 had DP in his life for years before this it came out of nowhere.

I agree with a previous poster that it may be that your DS is unhappy about something else and it's coming out in this way. My DD did this when she started reception and struggled with the transition - she was so sad, and blamed someone who had nothing to do with it all. Luckily it only lasted a few weeks before she settled in.

Could you arrange for your DS to talk to someone? There are counsellors who specialise in young children.

It may not be the stepmum personally, it doesn't sound like it.

its just a guess but could it be an insecurity thing? I don't mean safeguarding or that he is being mistreated. he is having his time split between 2 homes and that can be tough when you're little, plus his siblings have both parents 100% while he's always going to be in a 50:50 situation, not wholly belonging at either (in a child's eyes, parents won't see it that way) and none of it caused by anything he did so kind of out of step at both houses. At age 9 he will be very aware of it even if he can't/won't articulate it, but lashing out at SM is a way to get attention especially if there are younger siblings/babies about, this little nose doesn't want to be pushed out. Even if I'm wildly wrong its important that he feels listened to and has some agency in what happens in his life as he gets older.

Perhaps adjusting the 50:50 routine or allowing him time off from staying at his dad's completely will help sort him out and feel more secure, and definitely asking him when and where he'd like to be.

From personal experience, albeit 40+ years ago, I wish someone had just asked me, and taken even a tiny bit of notice. On the face of it my parents agreement was fair but it was very rigidly suited to their lives, needs, logistics while being fair to them and had very little to do with the little person stuck in the middle being shunted about trying (and failing) to keep everyone happy. I think it happens a lot.

Or is everything OK at school? issues with a friend or a close friend leaving can be a huge deal. even wanting to go to eg. football when all his friends go and knowing he'll never be able to because its a transit day could be enough for this kind of thing at this age.

should have said, I didn't want to spend less time with either parent because I didn't love or want to be with them (although they are both tricky people), it was the years of living out of a suitcase every single bloody week of my life that made it a miserable existence. never felt like I was at home with either of them at either house and had no agency whatsoever. they didn't get it, because they didn't have to move about at all.

Could it be her naneuruisms, or tone of voice. Maybe she is naturally more abrupt when she speaks to him demanding something or raises her voice more.

If neither you or your ex ever does, it might feel very unpleasant to him whereas her own child wouldn't beat an eyelid.

This is tough

I feel like it will improve over time if she genuinely likes him and is nice to him but of course she doesn't want to be around that

Like PP I was going to say that maybe someone at school has said they don’t like their particular stepparent so he’s thinking that’s how it’s meant to be.

But tbh I would be careful of analysing too much. There doesn’t actually have to be a reason why he dislikes her, if he dislikes her. He may just not like her, it’s possible, after all she’s the woman his dad chose, not him. There doesn’t need to be any kind of underlying emotion over it.

I would also be careful not to make too big a deal of it. If you do then he is going to feel that this is all wrong, when it might not be. I would ask why not, but if he can’t say, then I would leave it, and I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that telling her he hates her isn’t ok and won’t be tolerated.

My DS doesn’t like his dad’s DP. he has his reasons, and he’s told both me and his dad, and it’s been left at that. As he’s got older he’s just grown up iyswim.

But while he’s entitled not to like her, he isn’t entitled to be rude to her or tell her that, and I would have come down hard on him if he had.

This isn’t just for your ex to manage. As his parent you also need to be guiding the discipline with regards to how he treats others, even when those others are his dad’s partner.

I too would agree that it sounds like your ds is projecting his unhappiness about something else onto his sm. It really does sound like you, she & your ex are doing everything 'right'.
It's a difficult age & attention seeking & attempts to manipulate situations can also be rife at this age.
I think the difficulty you will have is trying to determine if his behaviour stems from genuine distress or if he's just being reactive to domestic situations that he doesn't love or that he doesn't see his friends having.
I think the suggestion to get another adult (a close grandparent or teacher for eg) to talk to him is a very good one.

Why not try to get some counseling for your son. It is a bit of an abrupt change to decide after knowing the SM for 6 years that he no longer likes her.
Rudeness should never be tolerated for any reason. If the child were asked about his change in behavior , it may not have been rude or unkind to say that I do not like you. At that moment in time, that may have been an honest and truthful statement of his feelings.

Getting someone to help him explore his feelings, will remove speculation and unfounded assumptions.

He is just 9 years old and he may not be given to introspection. If his feelings have changed , it is not anything that is going to be resolved on the basis of assumptions and guess work.

You do not want him to think that it is unacceptable to be honest and open in expressing his feelings because those feelings are not what the adults in his environment find acceptable.

The last thing that you want is to have the child become reticent to express his thoughts and feelings for fear of censure and adult disapproval.