New baby into blended family - pressure and guilt

[FirefighterMomma]

Hi All,

I will try and condense this situation into as little words as possible.

Myself and my partner got together and both have children from previous relationships. He has a boy who's 4 and a girl who's 7 and I have a son who's 10 and a daughter who's 7.

We all live together in a big house and all the children have always been at the forefront of our decisions.

My children are with me 95 percent of the time and his are shared care so with us for 4 days and nights every 4 days ( 4 on 4 off)

We have worked so hard on blending and gradual blending of the children and our life together and it works really well, normal sibling squabbles but I think we handle the whole thing really well.

We spoke about on depth and wanted another little baby together and I thought a nice bridge between the children, a part of everyone and a little completion to our family.

We are nearly 12 weeks into the pregnancy and plan to tell the children after the 12 week scan.

We have agreed all the children are different and will take it all differently, my 2 I know will be absolutely over the moon and very excited and we think his son will be fine and not particularly bothered as he's so young but will tread carefully still, but the issue is his daughter.

She can be very difficult and my partner and I had a conversation last night where he thinks she will react badly if this baby is a girl. I'm very understanding and I always put the children first and always try and make things as easy as possible for them.

However I now feel under immense pressure for his baby to be a boy and it's really upset me. I'm worried my partner may be upset if we find out it's a girl and it worries me a lot, it's completely thrown me into guilt, pressure, upset and I know I will blame myself as stupid as that sounds evan though I can't control the gender of my baby!

It's upsetting as his daughter completely I feel rules the roost and can be manipulative towards my partner and often has breakdowns and can be in general very difficult.

This has never ever been an issue for me and will never be.

Iv made it clear I'd want all children to be very involved and them all to feel part of this new chapter and this time that I want to be happy and positive and exciting for all of us.

I love this baby already unconditionally and I feel the pressure now is taking anything good away from this experience as it's 100
Percent our final child.

I just want peoples opinions and helpful advice or similar situations or anything that would help me also shed some light on the whole situation.

I'm open to anyone's advice about this as this is also a new thing for me and the new blended family is a new experience but a happy one definitely.

Thankyou x

How your DSD deals with it is something you can not predict now and I think it's more of an issue for your DP to deal with.

It's his child and this baby is also his child, you should relax and enjoy your pregnancy and let him deal with any difficulties from her side. Perhaps it can help if you involve her in some fun things like picking out baby clothes and coming with you to future scans (if possible). Congratulations and good luck OP.

It's upsetting as his daughter completely I feel rules the roost and can be manipulative towards my partner and often has breakdowns and can be in general very difficult

She's SEVEN. I mean, seriously, what a way to talk about a very young child. No wonder she has issues.

You say it isn't a problem for you that his daughter rules the roost but it very much sounds like it is, which is fine to admit. If you are genuinely in a position where your partner would blame you for the baby being a girl due to his daughter's reaction, then it is definitely perfectly reasonable for you to have an issue with the dynamic with his daughter.

What has your partner actually said about if it's a girl? In reality this should be no more than a slight concern for him about how he is going to handle it (on the 50% chance it is a girl, which he knew it could be from the get go), not something that overshadows your pregnancy or is any way your problem.

I think that was an insensitive comment of your partner to make! He probably didn't mean to upset you - obviously he knows too that you have no control over the sex of the baby - but I'd have found it upsetting too. If he's that worried about his DD's reaction he shouldn't have agreed to have another baby!

Tbh I think you’re being somewhat naive talking about how this baby is going to cement you all and make your little family complete. You’re already pregnant now so the deed is done so to speak, but what you have to realise is that this is yours and your DH’s child. It’s siblings are under no obligation to be happy about it, and in fact many children really aren’t happy about a new baby into a blended family.

Your DSD may well be upset, and that is her right, especially as you sound quite resentful of her behaviour, accusing a seven year old of being manipulative says a lot more about the adult than it does about the child.

I would just tell the DC and then let the dust settle. If they want to talk about it then they will, but six months is a long time for a seven year old, they may come round, they may not, but time will likely make things better.

Really helpful comment from Swimble Step-parenting is a whole different ball game and I’m tired of some people coming on here to air their opinions and have digs at step-parents when they know nothing about how hard individual situations can be.

In my experience children can be like this at certain stages - they know they rule the roost and can manipulate their parent and it’s not always an easy situation to navigate. Some people stay like this well into their adult lives.

It’s a tricky one OP. Is your partner a bit of a Disney Dad when it comes to his children?

I would leave him to manage his daughter IF she becomes difficult. Talk to them all equally about the baby and involve them as much as you are comfortable with.
Please don’t stress yourself about whether the baby is a girl. This is a time when you should feel excited - not guilty. It’s beyond your control. I genuinely hope they are all over the moon about having a baby in the house.

I gave birth to a daughter with my DH 3 years ago. He already had two girls from a previous relationship, one of whom hates sharing her Dad with anyone. We announced we were having a girl and she wasn’t impressed initially but that gave her time over the coming months to talk about it / ask questions and get used to the idea of another sister. When my DD arrived she was absolutely fine and both girls were besotted with the baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Step-parenting is a whole different ball game and I’m tired of some people coming on here to air their opinions and have digs at step-parents when they know nothing about how hard individual situations can be

Yeah, it couldn't possibly be that someone who knows exactly how hard it can be still thinks that its an appalling way to talk about a very young child? Which it is.

@FirefighterMomma you sound lovely & thoughtful so just ignore the nasty comments here.
I do think (reading between the lines) that your dsd's behaviour is more of a problem for you than you're admitting to yourself & it sounds to me like your dp's comment has triggered a response in you about her behaviour on the whole, & the potential for that behaviour to deteriorate.
I think it's also ok to call a 7 year old manipulative because all children can be manipulative regardless of age - it's the nature of us humans. However, most children grow out of manipulative behaviours & those that don't keep manipulating because they are allowed to & are taught no other way.
To this end your dsd's behaviour is firmly in your dp's court. If he continues to indulge her (assuming there's no actually underlying reasons for her 'breakdowns') he will make life very difficult for everyone including his dd.
If she reacts badly to the potential of the baby possibly being a girl then he really needs to sort that out with her - firmly but reassuringly. Allowing her to stress/be antsy about the baby being a girl only encourages that insidious & damaging sort of female rivalry that dad's offer instigate from very young ages with "you'll always be daddy's favourite girl" type comments.
However, also remember that many kids no matter what their family set up often resent a younger sibling so again if she reacts badly it will be up to you & dp to make a nuanced judgment as to the nature of her reaction.
Good luck with everything & congratulations.

Sounds to me like the OP is describing the child’s behaviour. I wouldn’t say it’s appalling - she is trying to put us in the picture of her situation. A situation which should be a happy exciting time and instead at the moment potentially revolves around the behaviour / reaction of a 7 yr old.

The OP has asked for advice not judgment.

I also don't think what you said was appalling, my ds is manipulative and I'll say that myself! All kids are when they're young, they learn what works to their advantage!

Yes I think this perhaps if worded wrong, when I say manipulative it's the best I can describe behaviour that causes a parent to be "forced " to act a certain way.

It's very difficult, I don't have problem with it at the moment I let me DP deal with it currently ( she can be absolutely lovely and fine, she is not a horrible child) it's just there are times when she has been very difficult.

I'd like to not be judged as Iv opened my home to these children, and I'm trying to understand and work with my DP around her behaviour.

Before we moved in her biological mother told me "good luck living with DsD"

And a few months before tried to get my DP to have the daughter with us full time due to "not coping" with her.

I am no way saying she is a horrible child, she absolutely isn't but the behaviour can be very difficult and it impacts everyone.
Of course I worry about so many things we try together so hard to do what's right by her but also to treat her the same as everyone else in the house, consistency for us has been a huge part and we have a great routine.

I know there is or I suspect issues from a very young age from what I have been told. I want to be supportive and I feel that I am and I'm always there for his children.

My partner has said he does not mind it's his child and it's not an issue for him, he just feels because she's close to her dad she would feel more threatened if it was a girl.

Thankyou everyone for your help/ advice/opinions. I like to see maybe sides to this that I can't see as sometimes it's difficult if your in the situation yourself than looking in. It's hard to put into words compared to the real living every day life of it as I'm sure many will know. X

There is really very little that you can do now about this situation. The baby is on the way and that part of the deed is done. You are making a lot of assumptions that about how any of these children will respond to this child. They may all be excited. They for various reasons may all be less than happy. Your youngest could easily not be excited about being displaced as your baby. His son could be less than happy about losing his status as dad's baby. So many things effect responses to a new sibling.

You are having this baby because you wanted a baby ,not because any of these children needed or even wanted another sibling. You are entitled to your happiness and by the same token these kids are also entitled to their natural responses.

What you can do is to try to engage and involve them throughout the pregnancy and hope for the best. Once the child is born you and your spouse should be prepared to deal with whatever the individual and collective responses might be. What should not happen is that any of the children should be made to feel bad for not sharing your feelings and responses.

Good luck as you navigate the pregnancy and the addition to the household. Managing 5 young children at any given time will surely keep both you and your partner busy.

Each child is entitled to have their own opinion of a new baby. A blended family situation increases the odds that those feelings will be complicated and ever changing. Focusing on the sex of the baby is a red herring. You have 4 potential reactions coming. All you can do is acknowledge their feelings and try to reassure them.

Do you think perhaps shes "difficult" because she has a father thats left her and moved in with someone elses children full time, and a mother that tried to get rid of her?

You sound so kind.

She might feel sad and jealous that the baby gets to be with her dad full time and she can’t. You might need to dig deep with patience here, but also sounds like it won’t do her any good to pander to her. Firm and kind, I think

If it helps at all, my dsd was not at all happy when she found out I was having a girl, she told me over and over that I would probably lose the baby and must have said 20 times a day that her dad would always love her more and probably wouldn't even like this baby which would probably die anyway. She was 8-9 at the time and hadn't had any jealousy over her half brother (not with me) so it was a bit of a shock.

2 years later she absolutely adores her little sister, she is the only person I've ever seen dsd show genuine affection towards. I worried myself sick over it but its all worked out fine.

@SwimbleCold

Do you think perhaps shes "difficult" because she has a father thats left her and moved in with someone elses children full time, and a mother that tried to get rid of her?

Absolutely. Plus she's gone from what I assume wasn't a perfect family but it was two children and her two parents to living between two houses, four (now five) children, a step mother and a new baby to deal with.

I would really struggle with a change like that. And try to have some power, which is what manipulation is.

I'd like to not be judged as Iv opened my home to these children, and I'm trying to understand and work with my DP around her behaviour.

I guarantee she doesn't see it like that.

@SwimbleCold how can you say that?

He didnt leave it was not like that, they were split since she was 4 and he's allowed a life and to be happy too.

I'm going to end this thread as I don't feel the whole situation if explained very well at all and some of these opinions are very strong .

He didnt leave it was not like that, they were split since she was 4 and he's allowed a life and to be happy too

Did he move out of the home his children lived in? He left. You seem to have a problem with admitting the reality of your situtation.

He was multiple times over years thrown out of the house . Which he was living with the 2 older children of his ex plus the daughter plus the son.

He tried to stay and Do right by his children but eventually realised its a very unhappy household.

There's has been years between each "stage" and move.

Why would anyone encourage families to stay together that are unhappy?

Has anyone done that?

You seem to be unable to try and see anything from the childs point of view. She (hopefully) doesn't know any of what went on with her parents. As a pp said, from her POV her father left her. He lives with children that are not his all the time, and not with her all the time. He lives with a woman who calls her manipulative and difficult, who thinks shes kindly "opened her home", like a benevolent charity. And now hes having another child in that home, that she is only a part time member of, because they don't want her full time, and neither does her mother.
Can't you see how that could be hard for a very young child? You only seem to care about yourself here.

It is not that black and white.

Due to our job we work nights and can't accommodate full time but we had the discussion of yes having full time but just couldn't due to work.

She unfortunately was aware of everything around and goings on from a young age.

I described the behaviour not the child, "can be" meaning at times not as a Person.

To you maybe, but to her it is that black and white.

She sounds like none of the adults in her life have done much for her. Poor little thing.