New baby into blended family - pressure and guilt

[FirefighterMomma]

Hi All,

I will try and condense this situation into as little words as possible.

Myself and my partner got together and both have children from previous relationships. He has a boy who's 4 and a girl who's 7 and I have a son who's 10 and a daughter who's 7.

We all live together in a big house and all the children have always been at the forefront of our decisions.

My children are with me 95 percent of the time and his are shared care so with us for 4 days and nights every 4 days ( 4 on 4 off)

We have worked so hard on blending and gradual blending of the children and our life together and it works really well, normal sibling squabbles but I think we handle the whole thing really well.

We spoke about on depth and wanted another little baby together and I thought a nice bridge between the children, a part of everyone and a little completion to our family.

We are nearly 12 weeks into the pregnancy and plan to tell the children after the 12 week scan.

We have agreed all the children are different and will take it all differently, my 2 I know will be absolutely over the moon and very excited and we think his son will be fine and not particularly bothered as he's so young but will tread carefully still, but the issue is his daughter.

She can be very difficult and my partner and I had a conversation last night where he thinks she will react badly if this baby is a girl. I'm very understanding and I always put the children first and always try and make things as easy as possible for them.

However I now feel under immense pressure for his baby to be a boy and it's really upset me. I'm worried my partner may be upset if we find out it's a girl and it worries me a lot, it's completely thrown me into guilt, pressure, upset and I know I will blame myself as stupid as that sounds evan though I can't control the gender of my baby!

It's upsetting as his daughter completely I feel rules the roost and can be manipulative towards my partner and often has breakdowns and can be in general very difficult.

This has never ever been an issue for me and will never be.

Iv made it clear I'd want all children to be very involved and them all to feel part of this new chapter and this time that I want to be happy and positive and exciting for all of us.

I love this baby already unconditionally and I feel the pressure now is taking anything good away from this experience as it's 100
Percent our final child.

I just want peoples opinions and helpful advice or similar situations or anything that would help me also shed some light on the whole situation.

I'm open to anyone's advice about this as this is also a new thing for me and the new blended family is a new experience but a happy one definitely.

Thankyou x

She may have been aware but certainly wouldn't have understood...I think you're putting to high an expectation of emotional understanding on a child that was not living in a happy home...

You probably do mean well but it sounds like this young child has not had a good time in her early life so probably does need more gentle understanding than the others...

Maybe you and dp could look at trauma parenting... and why if your dc can be with you most of the time whilst you both work shifts his can't ??

I think that there might be a difference between saying or encouraging an unhappy couple to stay together and recognizing that the split while positive for the adults might have a negative impact on the children.

The daughter is already 1 of 4 children and now she is about to have another sibling. She comes from a family where 3 of her sibling will have different family configurations. It is not critical but realistic to recognize that while all of the adults in this child' s circle are entitled to their personal happiness some of that happiness may have been purchased at the expense of the child' s personal happiness and sense of security.

You can only hope to handle the situation well if you are open to recognizing and accepting the issues that probably have contributed to the problem.

Wilful blindness and denial will not help any of you to blend well. Understanding where this child is coming from and the experiences that have created her current mindset and outlook , is your best hope for a positive outcome.

He has his children on all of his days off.
My children don't really see their dad.

It's a completely different set up.

My ex won't have my children 50/50 with myself .

You will never win as a step parent on here !
My ex dp already had a little boy and when I was pregnant exdp said he hopes it is a girl so that his son would not feel pushed out etc etc . Well it was a boy and dss was over the moon with his little brother. Now they are 10 and 6 they play football together and have a great relationship. Even though I am not with their dad the brothers still see each other an awful lot
You never know what kids reactions will be .
I remember my brother coming along and I could not stand him before or after he was born , and we were a traditional family ( not blended I mean )
I get on well with my brother now though Haha

It's a great pity your partner isn't more positive about the possibility of you having a girl because of course, you might.

You can't predict how your step daughter will react to a baby sister but I presume she is OK with her younger step sister.

Be happy with them all about their new sibling and involve the girl as much as possible so that she will feel responsible and valuable.

The chances are you are worrying unnecessarily.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes smoothly. You're obviously doing well with your blended family and there is no reason why that should not continue.

(Oh and it is you who is pregnant, not 'we')

Just ignore the judgemental idiots on this thread, and understand that some children are difficult. I have no doubt that her early life with her mother may have been very difficult. Some children anyway are not easy, but I suspect her trying to control situations is just her insecurity.

Also your hormones are probably making you more anxious than the situation warrants. Speak to your DH and tell him his words had a negative effect on you. He will, I'm sure, reassure you. Do the usual things like involving the DD in choosing clothes, toys etc for the new baby.

There is always a downer here on stepmoms simply because of the projection of some people. Ignore it all and I am sure it will be fine

I think the op sounds like a great stepmother.

Just ignore the judgemental idiots on this thread

Yes, only listen to goldenharvest, she alone knows all!

I think the op sounds like a great stepmother

Do you really? On what basis can you say that?

@jessstan1

I think the op sounds like a great stepmother.

Is not about that. I'm pretty sure OP is fine. No reason to assume otherwise.

But the situation isn't great. Poor child has been through a great deal. Her behaviour is likely to be directly related to the behaviour of the adults around her. Their choices. She has no choices. And manipulating behaviour comes from unmet needs.

Ignore the goady comments, OP.

Congratulations!

I like @Magda72’s post. You sound very caring and it’s great you want the best for her but you also deserve to have a stress-free pregnancy.

Does she get enough 1:1 time with her father?

I’d definitely broach the topic generally ahead of baby’s arrival “DSD could you help me pick out some neutral babygrows that would work for a brother or sister?”

You might find this helpful

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/becoming-a-step-parent/new-baby-in-a-stepfamily/

raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/new-baby-in-blended-family#:~:text=A%20new%20baby%20in%20a%20blended%20family%20will%20be%20in,is%20biologically%20related%20to%20everyone.&text=they're%20worried%20they'll,or%20as%20the%20'only%20child'

Your DH is projecting too much. Even if she is initially worried and feeling a bit frightened, noone can know how she'll react when the baby is born. She might feel extremely maternal and adore them, whether a he or she.

He needs to take each step as they come, not put emotions in her he doesn't know yet she will have.

@DTIsOnlyForNow

He didnt leave it was not like that, they were split since she was 4 and he's allowed a life and to be happy too

Did he move out of the home his children lived in? He left. You seem to have a problem with admitting the reality of your situtation.

Oh my goodness you mean like thousands of other parents who separate?

He separated from his ex and shares custody like a huge number of people do. I'm assuming you don't berate all women who dare to leave a relationship which is unhappy? It doesn't make him a terrible father.

OP, you never know how children will take things. I was sure my DSS wouldn't react very well to pregnancy because he's very emotional, he is a lovely boy but he doesn't really like change and can get teary for a while. I was sure he was going to cry (and then come round).

In fact, he was absolutely ecstatic! I was really surprised.

Just let your DSD feel however she feels, don't take it personally. The likelihood is she will come round.

Also there is nothing wrong with admitting here that your DSD is difficult. The reasons why, I don't pretend to know, but lots of children can be difficult. It's only step children who aren't apparently.

I'm assuming you don't berate all women who dare to leave a relationship which is unhappy

Who berated anyone? Like OP, you seem completely unable to understand the point, which is to try and see things from tjhe POV off the child. You're another that clearly doesn't care about that, thinking only of yourself.

No one is saying the feelings aren't considered at all!

It's more to do with asking ADVICE HELPFUL ADVICE on how to deal with it.

Nowhere does it say the child's emotions and feelings are being neglected

Well firstly don't assume anything , there's a chance after all she will be delighted and possibly prefer a sister to a brother.
I am currently expecting and my step kids are bouncing off the wall excited about the baby.
I did wonder how they would be but they've been awesome. Step daughter also extremely close to her dad (and me ) and I did worry she would be concerned about a new sister - turns out she thinks it's the best thing that's ever happened.
Involve her and encourage her and she may well naturally be excited - she might warm up when baby arrives and she can hold it and be involved. Make sure she realises there's enough love for everyone x
Step kids and blended families can be tough but in our case and I know we're very lucky it does feel like it's made us all closer. I hope that you experience the same as it's really lovely . Good luck

@DTIsOnlyForNow

I'm assuming you don't berate all women who dare to leave a relationship which is unhappy

Who berated anyone? Like OP, you seem completely unable to understand the point, which is to try and see things from tjhe POV off the child. You're another that clearly doesn't care about that, thinking only of yourself.

You're quite clearly trying to suggest OPs husband has acted terribly by abandoning his children because he 'left'.

Lots of people leave relationships with the parent of their children.

Yes I agree that sometimes this can cause behavioural issues in said children which should be addressed. But your agenda is fairly clear from the way you post (Dad = bad because he dared leave the children's mum).

There's also only so long you can excuse poor behaviour because parents split up years ago imo. This doesn't sound like a shit EOW Dad. He sounds involved and like he sees them often.

Congratulations!
Wow, a new baby will be amazing!

IMO I wouldn't worry about the gender. I think the issue may be it's a baby who will get fuss and attention regardless of boy or girl.

I would start planning now so when baby comes she's been set up the best way possible. Is her mum ok or a pain? Her mum will have a lot of influence on her which is why I ask.

I would have times now where you don't 'over do' baby talk but talk to kids individually and together saying how they will be able to teach baby all about their 'interests/ toys' etc. Something individual to each child so it promotes in them something their siblings haven't got. Mainly for the girls really who are 7- how do they get on?
Might also be worth dad having time with daughter (and son) alone sometimes like a bike ride/ feed the ducks which can continue when baby is here.

It sounds so chaotic, blended family, where 50% of the DC are not there 50% of the time

Sorry OP way too late but the advice I would have given earlier is don't have another DC.

Can you not see how this is just ANOTHER thing a young child has no control over that will massively impact their life.

Hadn't finished!

I think the fact you're thinking / asking this shows you want to get it right. Don't pressure yourselves- you will do your best.

Firm, fair consistent boundaries will also make a difference as would the odd night of 'you've all been so helpful today/ you've all played so nice/ quiet' - anything lol will be good every so often to show that you/ dh are still recognising the good behaviour of the others and maybe an extra half hour up before bed/ trip out for an ice cream/ £1 to spend at the shop- just something as a treat/ reward for them all.

I think your biological kids will be ok because you're mum to them too.

Might also be a good idea to have pics of all of them as newborns up or scan pics of them so they have their own identity around that reflects the baby and your scan pics/ newborn stage.

Good luck

OP different kids react to babies differently whether they are blended or not.

I'm from a large blended family, have a blended family and have always know others. Having younger half-siblings frequently isn't a problem if it's made clear and shown that there is still time and attention for you from the adults. Even if your OH's ex is difficult as long as he shows and spends time with his children individually without the rest of the household around plus you both have consistent, fair boundaries with all the children in the household then your step-children should be fine with the new baby. If any of the children are unhappy with the baby - though it is likely to happen when they are a toddler - asking for and getting attention e.g. cuddle then the appropriate parent needs to reassure that child very soon afterwards.

I also know traditional families where the older sibling hates one or more of the younger siblings and this hatred goes on for decades. Funny thing is most of them are older boys who hate one or more younger sisters.

You sound like you are trying your best, which is good, but only her dad will be able to truly reassure her. I'm not sure that having a baby together bridge everyone together is a great reason to be honest, being together and living as a family should be sufficient. You have enough children between you already really and they will get less support generally as a result. I do hope it goes well though and wish you a healthy pregnancy. Things tend to turn out ok in the end.