Step daughter lying

[Loulou2208]

Hi,

I am having problems with my step children. My partner has 3 children from his marriage and I love them like my own. Recently his oldest daughter (10) won't eat her dinner, constantly rolls her eyes and slams doors. Am really struggling to deal with it all.

Now tonight his 6 year old daughter said she wanted to go home becuase she missed her mum. She hugged me and gave me a kiss before she left. My partner took her back as there was no point making her stay if she missed her mum. When she got home she told her mum she didn't want to come because last weekend I hit her dad with a shoe and we argued. This is lies and his other two children have agreed this didn't happen.

I am now getting called everything under the sun and this isnt the first time she has told lies about me. I am struggling to deal with it all.

The house is mine and I have worked hard to ensure they had their own rooms and everything here.

Me and my partner now have a 3 month old and we have moved rooms so he gets the biggest room as this is his house.

I feel like I am constantly slagged off by their mum and can't do anything right. On top of the lies I am struggling to cope with everything

The 6 year old has now admitted to her mum it was a lie. I am now scared to be on my own with her in case she tells more lies and there is no one to back up the truth. Her mum obviously believes her child everytime which I can understand but I am struggling to forget everything that has been said.

I guess I just don't know what to do

This is hard. Virtual hugs. I don’t think there’s much you can do, except ride it out. I know how you feel. It’s hard. :( I don’t think anyone understands how hard it is. I will say, I think you’re handling it exceptionally well. :( xx

What is your partner doing to help this situation?

Might be off topic but a 3 month old doesn't need the biggest room in the house. Yes it's his house but it's your step children's house too. You've contradicted the statement 'I love them like they're my own' there by implying that your house isn't theirs.

How difficult. At 3 months your son doesn’t need a big room and that’s probably unsettled your SD. But it’s done now. 10 can be a really hard age. My own SD had her moments at 10....

Absolutely don’t be alone with the 6 year old, or any of them if you don’t trust them to listen to you and not tell lies. You have to protect yourself and your baby, being with your step kids without their dad sounds like too much of a risk at this point.

How’s he dealing with these new challenges? A new baby can cause upset in any family dynamic, you see it on here often. Step back and leave the parenting to their father. You’ve got your baby to focus on.

That sounds really hard and I sympathise. We had similar issues shortly after getting married when dsd started making up lies about me (the worst one was saying I called her a slag when I actually asked her to stop twerking because it was rude). She was just trying to please her mum who despises me for no good reason, and it has got better with time although I dont know if we will ever be as close as we were when she was younger. I found it helped to keep reminding myself that she was just a confused little girl and not to take it personally, and I refused to take care of her on my own for the period it was going on so that I always had DHs backup when she made accusations.

Agree that the lies might be in order to placate her mum. If she hears her mum slagging you off, she's likely to think that by joining it, it'll make her mum happy. Really difficult OP.

@earthtopluto surely it's better to give the child who will reside their full time the bigger room from the start, what's the alternative? Give it to one of her step children and then take it away when the baby is old enough? Surely that's more damaging. The house is hers and she's made sure their is enough room for all of them, sounds like she's treating them like they're her own to me!

OP, I'm not sure what advice I would give but if she's admitted to lying before anymore lies she says will be less credible, even if her mum doesn't say that to you. Has anyone spoken to the 6 year old about why she's lying? Do you think it's jealousy over the baby?

@baubled yep, that's a fair comment! Didn't think of that.

You probably don’t really love them like your own and that’s normal and okay. Having your own child might change how you feel about your step kids and that’s normal too. There’s a lot of pressure to say that and even think it but if you don’t feel it - and how could you know when you didn’t have your own.

Agree you probably don't really love them like you love your own. If you do, fair play to you, but since I had my son I can't imagine loving someone else's child like I love him. I thought I loved my exes daughter like my own but now I have my own, I've realised I was wrong in thinking that.

Thanks. My 3 month old shares his room with his brother and both girls have their own room each. I think this is pretty fair. They have had their rooms like this for a little while. The girls are actually happier they no longer have to share.

Their mum has now admitted she has put words in her mouth but hasn't apologised and now my partner says I just need to forget about it

Is it possible that with the arrival of a new baby and the bedroom change to give the new baby the biggest room in " his house" that the children have sensed or experienced a change or shift in your reaction and responses to them? If this is the case, the shifts in their behavior may be related to what they perceive in the shifts in your attitude and behaviors.
Maybe, your partner should explain to the children that the house is neither his nor is it their home and that both his tenancy and their collective tenancy as well is tied to their "good behavior."

Children can often sense adult attitudinal changes without having them articulated. Your partner is a guest in your home. His children may have shifted from favored to tolerated status. You have become a "mom," and you recognize that you see your son's rights and status in your home as superior to their rights and status. This is to some extent normal but for young children it may not be easily understandable.

Obviously, they have experienced their mom bringing homes new baby, but those occasions would not have caused a shift in their status or standing.

Give yourself and them time to adjust. Young children will sometimes tell lies. One day your son may do the same. A lie told by a young child can sometimes have serious repercussions but most often not.

This situation is 3 months new for all of you. Their father needs to reassure them that his love and feelings for them are unchanged even if their status and placement in" your house" has changed.

My advice would be strap yourself in for a bumpy ride and try to ignore. My stepdaughter is exactly the same, she’s actually pretty dangerous to have around as she will lie about pretty much anything for attention. She’s worse for her mum and stepdad which is a small mercy for me but for them, not so much. I imagine the new baby has put her nose out of joint. It happens. Praise her when she’s good, lots of 1-1 time with dad, ignore the bad.

Seems fairly obvious the new baby has unsettled them - replacing them, getting dad’s love instead of them etc. They’re acting out to get dad’s (and your) attention to make sure he still loves them. Dad needs to step up and make it clear that they’re not being replaced etc. And it’s fine if you don’t love them the same (as long as you’re honest, kids smell lies like stink), but dad needs to and he needs to make that clear.

I would make it clear to dsd lying isn't appropriate in your house (comes from her df imo though).. But what is fine is caring about everyone in your home and that loving the new baby is fine and you are happy she is a big dsis.. Ask her if she wants any big dsis jobs that only responsible siblings can have. My dd's were buzzing when ds arrived. New dh for the new baby db and we had absolutely no issues.

Most families keep babies in with parents for at least 6 months. If your 3 month old has been in with his brother for a while there must be quite a lot of disruption for your stepson.

How often are they with you and is a court agreed or private contact arrangement between your DP and his ex?

The baby isn't sleeping in the room yet he is still in with us. I just meant we have decorated it ready for when he does go into it. We have decorated half and half so it feels like both their room

10 year olds can be like this whether they are your own blood children or not. I wouldn’t read too much into the “step” part of this and accept that they are children.. kids do like to slam doors, say they hate certain foods, tell occasional lies.
You are doing your best and that is good enough. I also would just ride it out. Give lots of hugs, spend time wit them. It will pass

I don’t think you should be alone with her at the moment in case she makes up more lies. It’s not just her mum you need to worry about but teachers, other adults who may believe her and report you to social services. Will this be practical for you? Can you ensure her father is always there when she stays?

I think her father is going to have to be around. I usually keep them on a Wednesday when he works but they are going to have to go back to their mum that day. I feel its too soon to put myself in that position.

I get that all kids lie and have teenage moments but my partner doesn't all discipline her. A lot of the time he doesn't do anything and just lets her get away with her behaviour

You’re right, you can’t have them by yourself and it’s between DP and his ex to work out the logistics.

Ex can hardly complain when she’s willing to believe you’re violent.

If one or all of them are rude about your food then stop cooking when they’re with you. DP cooks and deals with any complaints. It sounds like he’s got it a bit too easy when it comes to parenting his older kids - I don’t know how much he does with the baby - so dial back your involvement and he’ll have to manage.

The lies and challenging behaviour will last longer and get worse if he refuses to deal with it. Your problem is at least a bit with him not stepping up. And telling you to get over damaging lies being told about you is really shit. I’d be livid if my husband did that.

Kids telling lies is pretty common. She’s testing the lie of the land.
The problem is that you say you “love them like your own” but do you really now that you know what it’s like to love a child of your own? Should you love them like your own when this has demonstrated quite clearly they are not your own?
They have their actual mums house to scarper to when it suits, you can’t discipline them or talk to them like you would if they were your own, you can’t even be comfortable alone with them in your own home in case the actual mother gets more lies fed, which she will swallow because it suits her. Although maybe her tune will change if having them on Wednesdays doesn’t suit her.
On top of this, your understandable upset about all this nonsense doesn’t seem to count for very much to your partner.
I’ve had similar with my DSD. It’s shit feeling like that in your own home. Your DP is going to have to be made to understand the effect it is having on you. His children are rightly his first concern, but that doesn’t mean he gets to dismiss your feelings. You are important too.

Agree with others - don’t be alone with her. If he’s not disciplining her and is allowing her to get away with bad behaviour then this situation won’t improve any time soon. Ultimately he will reap what he sows.

It may be worth just leaving all parenting / logistics / cooking, etc to your partner. Engage with the kids when they are there by all means but maybe take a big step back and focus on your baby.

Your partner telling you to “forget about it” is dismissing your feelings and that’s not ok.

I have said I don't feel comfortable putting myself in the position that she could tell more lies about me and no one there to back up the truth. He sees this as me being awkward but says he is okay with it but his attitude and tone proves he isn't.

They aren't disciplining her and this isn't the first time she has told lies about me. There has been other times plus what we don't actually know about.

I have said he needs to start pulling his weight Re chores in the house. I am currently on maternity leave but he works 4 days on 4 days off. There is no excuse why on his 4 days off he can't help. He lies about the house all day watching TV and barely helps with the baby. Only when I ask or force him too.

Yeah I agree her having them on Wednesday won't suit. We used to have them every weekend which gave her chance to go out drinking all weekend and do whatever she wanted. Now with my partner working a lot of weekends she has to keep them.

I just feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love them but I feel like am walking on egg shells now and scared what the next drama is going to be. We have constant drama with the ex and I thought we had turned a corner but obviously not. I hate drama and am a very quiet person who keeps myself to myself and this is all starting to wear me down.

You know it’s not “help”, it’s parenting and getting the fuck on with running a household. You’re on maternity leave to recover from birth and bond with your baby. Not so you can skivvy for him and his kids.

He’s responsible for dealing with any drama with his ex too. Not your circus, not your problem. My DH ex and I don’t have each other’s numbers. I’ve never officially met her. We’ve been together ages, married, have a child together. He deals with his ex and I have nothing do with her.

It sounds like you have long standing problems with him being lazy and disengaged. It’s not going to get better unless you really step back and leave all shit work for him and his kids to him. Don’t give in because you think he’ll drop the ball. He will and that’s on him, he’s an adult, he chose to have 4 children and that’s a lot of work but he didn’t have to do it.

You’re responsible for your child. He should be pitching in for all 4 of them.

If he won’t get involved in caring for the baby I have no advice. A good man, a good dad, wants to look after and have a meaningful relationship with his child. I’d find it impossible to respect or be attracted to my husband if he couldn’t be arsed caring for our daughter. I’d have felt the same if he was a shit dad to his older kids and wouldn’t have had a baby with him tbh. But you are where you are now and if you want to stay with him - worth serious consideration based on your update - all you can do is try and reduce your work load and leave step kid chores to him and focus on you and the baby.

Are you going back to work full time? What’s your housing situation?

I sensed from your earlier posts there was an issue with your DP, but your last update paints him in an absolutely terrible light, OP. This man doesn't discipline his children but is dismissive and even impatient with how it impacts you? On top of that, he works part time but does nothing around the house or with your joint child?? Despite this, what is being questioned (and met with irritation from him) is whether it is ok for YOU to do less for HIS children?

There is so much wrong with this dynamic. I would advise stepping RIGHT back in terms of his kids (as in just chat to them when you see them but don't do any of the parenting or dredge work, and don't be available to look after them alone). If he accuses you of not "loving them like your own", remind yourself that you aren't obliged to love them like your own as they aren't your own, being nice to them is more than enough, and he is manipulating you. At the same time, you need to tell him he needs to step up massively around the house and with your joint child. Ask him why he expects you to put so much effort into his kids, when he doesn't even put effort into your kid that is also his.